OK, I’ve found a new obsession and I’m infected my son with my enthrallment. WoW. World of Warcraft for those that don’t know. Shit I actually didn’t play poker for 2 days this week. I downloaded the 10 day trail and I already know I will be a subscriber. My son and I used to play Runescape for hrs on end. WoW is actually a high-end version of Runescape. It is all I can currently think about at the moment. Shit, I’ve been cheating while at work by looking up info on the game and memorizing maps. I am done though. I don’t want to ruin the fun. I am currently a level 9 human warrior. That has always been my character ever time I have a choice in an RPG. OK, enough about that.
I really have been feeling well as of late. I almost feel like I’m not sick anymore. I think my meds are right in the zone. I am totally off of Risperdal now. I am on 300mgs of Lamictal and 300mgs of Seroquel. Seroquel has lost it’s hold on me, not making me eat every dose. I am now down to 193lbs. I was at 216 when I started my diet. I don’t really watch what I eat; I just eat smaller portions.
Later, Ash out.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
GOSH
New pet peeve: people that say racist when they mean prejudice. Ex: “That’s racist man, you shouldn’t pick on fat people.” OK then, let’s pick on dumb people because you’re in a race of your own. God, this aggravates the hell out of me.
Monday, July 23, 2007
A Little Prick
Hey all. I am a little manic. I am having flights of thoughts racing through my gray matter. I am very talkative. I am alternating between happiness and irritation. I am a little touchy with dumb questions. My head almost feels tingly…or maybe that was all that crack I smoked. I can’t get cards out of my head at the moment.
I am proud of myself. After over a year of avoiding going in and getting my bloodwork done, and after going to the Dr and getting told to do it again, to which I have avoided it another month, I finally went in and did it. It wasn’t easy I’m telling you. I had to fast for twelve hrs, which I did while on night shift. That sucked. Being awake for twelve hrs and not eating anything truly is torture. Especially with the guys I work with. Knowing that I was fasting, they came in and ate in front of me and picked on me relentlessly. Plus since I divulged my fear of needles to them, they told me horrors stories and ridiculed me all night. What asses. Good natured, but it still sucked. I went in in the morning and as I sat waiting I started sweating, breathing heavy and having racing thoughts. I was light headed when I got up to follow the nurse. When we got in I was almost in a frenzied state. I told myself that I was just going to shut-up and go through with it, but I just couldn’t. I told her that I was very fearful of needles and if there was an easy way of doing it hat I would much appreciate that treatment. I felt like such a puss. I told her that I knew it was irrational to be scared but that I just couldn’t help it. She was very nice and coddled her little crybaby like I was a fragile toddler. She went back and forth between both arms trying to find a good vein so she didn’t have to dig me. She put it in and it didn’t even hurt. I felt like such a punk. God, what is wrong with me? I’m a grown damn man. Anyways it is over and I dealt with it
I am proud of myself. After over a year of avoiding going in and getting my bloodwork done, and after going to the Dr and getting told to do it again, to which I have avoided it another month, I finally went in and did it. It wasn’t easy I’m telling you. I had to fast for twelve hrs, which I did while on night shift. That sucked. Being awake for twelve hrs and not eating anything truly is torture. Especially with the guys I work with. Knowing that I was fasting, they came in and ate in front of me and picked on me relentlessly. Plus since I divulged my fear of needles to them, they told me horrors stories and ridiculed me all night. What asses. Good natured, but it still sucked. I went in in the morning and as I sat waiting I started sweating, breathing heavy and having racing thoughts. I was light headed when I got up to follow the nurse. When we got in I was almost in a frenzied state. I told myself that I was just going to shut-up and go through with it, but I just couldn’t. I told her that I was very fearful of needles and if there was an easy way of doing it hat I would much appreciate that treatment. I felt like such a puss. I told her that I knew it was irrational to be scared but that I just couldn’t help it. She was very nice and coddled her little crybaby like I was a fragile toddler. She went back and forth between both arms trying to find a good vein so she didn’t have to dig me. She put it in and it didn’t even hurt. I felt like such a punk. God, what is wrong with me? I’m a grown damn man. Anyways it is over and I dealt with it
Friday, July 13, 2007
A Quickie
I went to my T-doc appointment on Tues. It was an all right session, although I felt laid bare when I left. It really sucks telling someone personal details about your life and your insecurities and ineptitudes. I think it is a little harder for guys than girls. I’m not saying that it doesn’t feel awkward for women; I’m just saying that it is a scientific fact that women are more emotional and talkative than are men. Men find it hard to show certain emotions and talk about how they feel, due to it being received by our sex as being feminine or unmanly. As we progress in our talks, she is delving into my childhood and my early and teen environment. I had a shitty life growing up and I don’t like blaming some of my negative traits on how I was treated and raised as a kid, although I think there is credence and validity in that assessment. I see my father in many of my acts as a man. I have always fought to break the cycle, and in most was I have or at least made alleviated them due to conscience effort.
Another thing that she thinks is that I have a very addictive personality. She thinks that I am currently addicted to gambling. She isn’t too worried about it because it doesn’t cause too many negative aspects in my life. They as in first my T-doc and now my T-doc, always ask the same questions by rote, if you are spending more money than you should and different questions about using your family’s funds to support your habit. They both were very skeptical of my statements to the fact that I never us any of the family’s money whatsoever and that my earnings often supplement our income, especially since my wife’s income has been gone due to a work related injury. Both times I had to totally explain my whole system of poker bankroll money management. Of course I don’t mind telling this, because at both times I was enthralled with cards, and was just happy for the opportunity to talk about my obsession. I will say that on several occasions in the last few years’ poker has obsessed me to the point that I have become totally engrossed with it and it consumed me full-time. (Every waking hr.) I neglect my family, my health, my studies, and my life. Sadly it takes my wife to step in before I realize just how deep I have delved. This also happens with other things, IE, video gaming, especially RPG’s, and every other thing under the son at one time or the other. I have tried very hard to change this negative characteristic about myself lately. I try to play at night when my wife is going to bed or at least close to heading to dreamland. The kids and I stay up to the wee hrs of the morning watching Adultswim (Cartoon Network) together. I play cards and watch at the same time. This week on my days’ off here was my daily schedule: Get up at 4pm or so, get ready and go to for soccer games until 7:30pm or so, eat and spent time with Ash-wife and kids until 10 or 11, at that point play cards until between 4-6am and then go to sleep, and start it all again. My wife and kids sleep in every morning due to summer and late nights with dad, and then visit her parents on a daily basis, so while I’m sleeping they aren’t home much of that time anyway. That is my routine so you can see I am putting in some major hrs at the virtual poker tables. Although I admit that it is currently in control of my life, as I have played at some point every single day in the last 2 months, I think I am handling it well. The one thing I don’t like is that I find it consuming my thoughts quite often.
I think I am manic at the moment due to the excessive poker thoughts and finding a reason to talk about it to anyone that will listen. Often I think some of these people are merely being polite and really want me to shut the hell up.
I have found myself getting cranky more often. Sometimes noises are hurting me. They are tearing at my gray-matter. I need to get a handle on this before it gets worse. I think it is partially due to my manic mind.
I now weigh 195lbs. I am happy about this. My wife thinks I am being a little obsessed because I don’t often cheat and eat an extra portion or unhealthy treats. I think maybe he is right, but I eat sometimes at night while playing online poker, therefore she doesn’t see me eating as much while she is awake.
Another thing that she thinks is that I have a very addictive personality. She thinks that I am currently addicted to gambling. She isn’t too worried about it because it doesn’t cause too many negative aspects in my life. They as in first my T-doc and now my T-doc, always ask the same questions by rote, if you are spending more money than you should and different questions about using your family’s funds to support your habit. They both were very skeptical of my statements to the fact that I never us any of the family’s money whatsoever and that my earnings often supplement our income, especially since my wife’s income has been gone due to a work related injury. Both times I had to totally explain my whole system of poker bankroll money management. Of course I don’t mind telling this, because at both times I was enthralled with cards, and was just happy for the opportunity to talk about my obsession. I will say that on several occasions in the last few years’ poker has obsessed me to the point that I have become totally engrossed with it and it consumed me full-time. (Every waking hr.) I neglect my family, my health, my studies, and my life. Sadly it takes my wife to step in before I realize just how deep I have delved. This also happens with other things, IE, video gaming, especially RPG’s, and every other thing under the son at one time or the other. I have tried very hard to change this negative characteristic about myself lately. I try to play at night when my wife is going to bed or at least close to heading to dreamland. The kids and I stay up to the wee hrs of the morning watching Adultswim (Cartoon Network) together. I play cards and watch at the same time. This week on my days’ off here was my daily schedule: Get up at 4pm or so, get ready and go to for soccer games until 7:30pm or so, eat and spent time with Ash-wife and kids until 10 or 11, at that point play cards until between 4-6am and then go to sleep, and start it all again. My wife and kids sleep in every morning due to summer and late nights with dad, and then visit her parents on a daily basis, so while I’m sleeping they aren’t home much of that time anyway. That is my routine so you can see I am putting in some major hrs at the virtual poker tables. Although I admit that it is currently in control of my life, as I have played at some point every single day in the last 2 months, I think I am handling it well. The one thing I don’t like is that I find it consuming my thoughts quite often.
I think I am manic at the moment due to the excessive poker thoughts and finding a reason to talk about it to anyone that will listen. Often I think some of these people are merely being polite and really want me to shut the hell up.
I have found myself getting cranky more often. Sometimes noises are hurting me. They are tearing at my gray-matter. I need to get a handle on this before it gets worse. I think it is partially due to my manic mind.
I now weigh 195lbs. I am happy about this. My wife thinks I am being a little obsessed because I don’t often cheat and eat an extra portion or unhealthy treats. I think maybe he is right, but I eat sometimes at night while playing online poker, therefore she doesn’t see me eating as much while she is awake.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Here's a Few More
Close-up. See the hands. Those are what aggravate me while sleeping!!
Fozzie and Bandit "sharing!!"
Fozzie and Bandit "sharing!!"
Sunday, July 8, 2007
I Haven't Had Much Sleep the Last Two Nights Because a Raccoon Keeps Jumping on My Head
My friend found a litter of baby raccoons whose mother got hit by a car. They were all sent out to relatives or friends to raise until they could be let go and they would survive on their own. Well, he just bought a new puppy and doesn’t think he has time to take care of both. I asked me to take it and I said OK. It is past the bottle stage luckily or I would have told him to deal with it. Na, I probably would have taken it anyways. Having or doing something weird or out of the norm sticks with you and you always remember those times. I think this will be a good memory for the kids, plus it is so cool. She (my wife says it is a she) doesn’t have front paws, they are little hands, and it grabs everything in sight. It sticks its hands in every nook-and-cranny and feels around looking for hidden treasure. They do that on riverbanks and between rocks and pebbles in the water searching for food. It is an inherent trait of its species and doesn’t have to be learnt. It is a real dork. It runs and hides and then jumps out. It was really afraid of our dos at first, but now it plays with them. It only took one day to lose its fear of our small dogs. Hopefully it doesn’t totally lose its fear of dogs, because in the wild the canines are friendly playful companions. I’ve been told that it is illegal to have her, because she is indigenous wildlife. I don’t know if that is the reason, but I don’t think I am allowed to have it. My friend once saw a fawn on the side of the road with the doe dead, having been run over by a car. He went to the DNR and they told him that he just had to let nature take its course and that he could be fined if a wild animal was ever found in his possession, and that it didn’t matter what the reason was. Compassion means nothing apparently, you are supposed to just let it die, that is natural selection, and you have to just deal with it, he was told. My friend didn’t care and risked helping the little coon and so will I. I will be honest with you, if it becomes attached to us and is nice and learns to use a little box, I will probably keep it. But I have been told, by people that they have heard that they never become domesticated and will become mean at adulthood. If that becomes the case I will release it to the wild, if I don’t anyways for some other reason, and just be happy that it survived because we took it in. What are your thoughts? Seriously.
OK, back to the sleeping issue. We put it in a cage the first night down at the end of the bed on the floor. It screamed for hrs off and on wanting to be free of the cage. Finally it shut-up for good and I was able to get more than an hr of sleep at a time. We found out why it stopped crying the next morning. It was dead.
I’m just joking. Ha, ha, funny or ha, ha, you sick asshole? Anyways, Bandit (oh yea forgot to tell ya, we named it Bandit, get it? OK, your aren’t that slow - the next one will be harder) had figured out how to get out of the cage. It is a mess cage with a pvc-plastic framework surrounded by a zippered mess screen. Remember I said it had hands, well it knows how to use them. It un-zipped the cage and got out. I found it in the morning curled up sleeping in my bedside nightstand. It loves take one shelf in my nightstand and anytime you are in the bedroom with it goes in there. That is its spot. You can take it and put it on the bed and it will leave as soon as it feels like it and goes right back in there. If you leave and go to another room it follows after you. It doesn’t like to be alone.
So last night we tried putting it in a different cage with a few books on top of the lid. It wouldn’t shout the hell up and finally it started screaming so we turned on the light. It somehow forced the lid up and made it half out, but the books proved too much for it and it became stuck. I was so tired that I just said piss on it and let it out. It shut-up and went right in the nightstand. Well, letting it out proved to be a mistake last night, because I forgot that raccoons are nocturnal creatures. Bandit would stay in the stand for an hr and then decide to get on the bed and run around. It would get on our pillows and play with our ears and hair. (OK, let me rephrase that – my wife’s hair and my head. I shave the little that still actually grows.) It sounds cute, but when you have to work in the morning and for some reason the Seroquel isn’t putting you to sleep as soon, so you are already going to be sleepy, it gets old. So I killed it. Just joking again. I would push it and tell it to get and it would go back to the stand for an hr or so. It did this 3 times. I won’t have to worry about it tonight because this is my last day of work, so I’ll be up all night playing, what else, but poker. I’m going back to work on night shift so I’ll be staying up all night for the next 4 days anyways, so I won’t have to deal with it till late in the week. But even then I will be sleeping during the day so it will be running around with the family in the rest of the house.
Maybe I’ll post a few pics. It loves fake fighting with my Pomeranian. They roll around like dorks biting at each other’s feet. It makes me happy and that is good.
Until next time, later, Ash out…
OK, back to the sleeping issue. We put it in a cage the first night down at the end of the bed on the floor. It screamed for hrs off and on wanting to be free of the cage. Finally it shut-up for good and I was able to get more than an hr of sleep at a time. We found out why it stopped crying the next morning. It was dead.
I’m just joking. Ha, ha, funny or ha, ha, you sick asshole? Anyways, Bandit (oh yea forgot to tell ya, we named it Bandit, get it? OK, your aren’t that slow - the next one will be harder) had figured out how to get out of the cage. It is a mess cage with a pvc-plastic framework surrounded by a zippered mess screen. Remember I said it had hands, well it knows how to use them. It un-zipped the cage and got out. I found it in the morning curled up sleeping in my bedside nightstand. It loves take one shelf in my nightstand and anytime you are in the bedroom with it goes in there. That is its spot. You can take it and put it on the bed and it will leave as soon as it feels like it and goes right back in there. If you leave and go to another room it follows after you. It doesn’t like to be alone.
So last night we tried putting it in a different cage with a few books on top of the lid. It wouldn’t shout the hell up and finally it started screaming so we turned on the light. It somehow forced the lid up and made it half out, but the books proved too much for it and it became stuck. I was so tired that I just said piss on it and let it out. It shut-up and went right in the nightstand. Well, letting it out proved to be a mistake last night, because I forgot that raccoons are nocturnal creatures. Bandit would stay in the stand for an hr and then decide to get on the bed and run around. It would get on our pillows and play with our ears and hair. (OK, let me rephrase that – my wife’s hair and my head. I shave the little that still actually grows.) It sounds cute, but when you have to work in the morning and for some reason the Seroquel isn’t putting you to sleep as soon, so you are already going to be sleepy, it gets old. So I killed it. Just joking again. I would push it and tell it to get and it would go back to the stand for an hr or so. It did this 3 times. I won’t have to worry about it tonight because this is my last day of work, so I’ll be up all night playing, what else, but poker. I’m going back to work on night shift so I’ll be staying up all night for the next 4 days anyways, so I won’t have to deal with it till late in the week. But even then I will be sleeping during the day so it will be running around with the family in the rest of the house.
Maybe I’ll post a few pics. It loves fake fighting with my Pomeranian. They roll around like dorks biting at each other’s feet. It makes me happy and that is good.
Until next time, later, Ash out…
Friday, July 6, 2007
Kids Get Your Asses To Bed
This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
bitch (2x) shit (1x)
Give it a try all. Meanie and Butterfly shame, shame, shame!
My Poker blog didn't fair so well - N-17. Now that is a dirty mouth. I need some Orbits gum to clean that up.
They gig you for Hell, Dead, Hurt, and Ass also - so you know what I say - FUCK IT.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Sup
I’m still doing well. I’ve been getting a little crabby lately, but nothing major. I am making a conscience effort to spend more time with the family. It doesn’t always work that way, but I am going to keep at it. I want my family to know how much I love and appreciate them. My vacation went well although we did a lot of medical related travel while I was off. I am on my second week back, although the plant is now down for production curtailment at the moment. My boss isn’t giving me a lot of superfluous tasks to muddle my day away so I should get a lot of studying done. While I am alone I will try to give that stress/relaxation CD another go. I occasionally still get my anxiety attacks. Hopefully I can continue to find ways to alleviate these attacks. Man have I been finding it hard to sleep lately. Even with the Seroquel I am finding it hard to snooze. It is often taking 3 to 4 hrs after taking my 300 mg to finally wind down. And yes poker is still consuming me. I plugged a few leaks and have begun making money again.
Oh yea, I'm still living right at and below 200lbs for the last few weeks. I played basketball with the Fam yesterday at 4th of July get-together. I got one game in and I was ready to just play horse because I couldn't drive or D-up well after the first 10 min. Luckily my outside jumper was on so I didn't have to go to the basket. BTW, we won. God am I out of shape; I couldn't even touch the rim anymore. I sweeted so perfusly that I had to go home and take a shower before the poker games ensued.
Later guys and gals, Ash out…
Oh yea, I'm still living right at and below 200lbs for the last few weeks. I played basketball with the Fam yesterday at 4th of July get-together. I got one game in and I was ready to just play horse because I couldn't drive or D-up well after the first 10 min. Luckily my outside jumper was on so I didn't have to go to the basket. BTW, we won. God am I out of shape; I couldn't even touch the rim anymore. I sweeted so perfusly that I had to go home and take a shower before the poker games ensued.
Later guys and gals, Ash out…
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