First off, I didn’t quit smoking. Hopefully soon I will give this another try.
I don’t feel good right now. As I write this I am feeling down and out of it. I don’t feel normal either. I don’t know how to explain really. It is like I am a passenger in my own reality; like looking through an opaque lens. I’m me obviously, but it isn’t the me that I know. I am just going through the motions at the moment. I have to restrain my comments. It isn’t easy. I have always been a very observant person and right now I am unconsciously critiquing everything and everyone and finding all flaws. And everything is aggravating me. I shouldn’t be a work. I should be home where I don’t have to interact with as many people. I talked to one of my guys and he said that I had my “crazy eyes going all night last night and was very irritable. My wife called me at work and asked who was on the phone. She said that it didn’t even sound like me. She said that I was very curt and short with her. I can’t get coverage at the moment, so I will just have to watch myself until my days off. What I am worried about is that Monday morning all the salary people come in and I have to go to a meeting and explain how the weekend went. I will have to give myself a pep-talk before the meeting and not say too much. Hopefully no one pushes my buttons. I must remain calm, collected and professional.
I have been off my Lamictal for a week now. I can feel the difference. My Doc didn’t send in my script. I will have to call Monday morning and remedy this. I keep getting headaches. I haven’t been getting these for months now, but they are back at the moment. I really need my meds.
Wish me luck, Ash out…
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Procrastinator’s Post
Sorry about the downtime with the blog thing. I usually blog at work and I was off on vacation for close to a month. And no, I didn’t do shit; I was just off of work. It was nice.
I have a weird little mood going. Manic – depressive. Well now that I write it, I guess that ain’t too weird; that is what we are. Deep winter is here now. This is always my worst time of the year. Snow banks that I can’t see over. Bitter cold temps. And with my horrible 4 days of 7am-7pm then 4 nights of 7pm-7am schedule, it is never light outside when I am awake. I honestly don’t see the light of day but a few days a week. That is probably the worst thing possible for a Bipolar person. Plus winter is so very long up here in the UP of Michigan. On the flipside I’ve been manic for a month now. The Seroquel is finding it harder and harder to put me to a good night’s rest. I often think that I am not hitting REM sleep and wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep. Guaranteed If I ran out I wouldn’t sleep much. My mind is constantly turning. I thoughts flood out just about everything. When people talk to me I have to make a conscious effort to pay attention and often that doesn’t help and I have to ask them to start over. My eyes are constantly wide and intense. I find myself dominating conversations and unable to shut-up.
I will say that luckily I haven’t had too much rage that usually wells inside during the manic times. A few days everyone’s voices grated my nerves and I got pissy, but overall I remained calm. I have caught myself at work getting irritated and having to reign in my comments that otherwise would seem crass or even belligerent.
I haven’t had any anxiety attacks since last I blogged and this makes Ash very happy. Man do I hate those.
Work hasn’t been too stressful lately, although I have been gone more than there lately. Not being there usually does wonders for stress levels. LOL.
On the weight scene, I now weigh-in at 173 lbs. I weighed 216 lbs at the start of my diet. That is 43 lbs. I am happy with were I’m at now.
I’m still smoking, but plan to quit for good tomorrow. It is expensive, plus I am sick of the morning cough. I am currently smoking over 2 packs a day. That is how I roll with things; either I don’t do something or I do it to extreme. Tomorrow starts the rest of my life. Hopefully by quitting I don’t get an oral fixation (that didn’t sound right, lol) and start chowing-down. I guess I will have to start chewing more gum.
I have started doing something with my art and fantasy obsession and plan to post pics when I’m complete with my first project. I haven’t played nearly as much poker since I started this project.
I have a weird little mood going. Manic – depressive. Well now that I write it, I guess that ain’t too weird; that is what we are. Deep winter is here now. This is always my worst time of the year. Snow banks that I can’t see over. Bitter cold temps. And with my horrible 4 days of 7am-7pm then 4 nights of 7pm-7am schedule, it is never light outside when I am awake. I honestly don’t see the light of day but a few days a week. That is probably the worst thing possible for a Bipolar person. Plus winter is so very long up here in the UP of Michigan. On the flipside I’ve been manic for a month now. The Seroquel is finding it harder and harder to put me to a good night’s rest. I often think that I am not hitting REM sleep and wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep. Guaranteed If I ran out I wouldn’t sleep much. My mind is constantly turning. I thoughts flood out just about everything. When people talk to me I have to make a conscious effort to pay attention and often that doesn’t help and I have to ask them to start over. My eyes are constantly wide and intense. I find myself dominating conversations and unable to shut-up.
I will say that luckily I haven’t had too much rage that usually wells inside during the manic times. A few days everyone’s voices grated my nerves and I got pissy, but overall I remained calm. I have caught myself at work getting irritated and having to reign in my comments that otherwise would seem crass or even belligerent.
I haven’t had any anxiety attacks since last I blogged and this makes Ash very happy. Man do I hate those.
Work hasn’t been too stressful lately, although I have been gone more than there lately. Not being there usually does wonders for stress levels. LOL.
On the weight scene, I now weigh-in at 173 lbs. I weighed 216 lbs at the start of my diet. That is 43 lbs. I am happy with were I’m at now.
I’m still smoking, but plan to quit for good tomorrow. It is expensive, plus I am sick of the morning cough. I am currently smoking over 2 packs a day. That is how I roll with things; either I don’t do something or I do it to extreme. Tomorrow starts the rest of my life. Hopefully by quitting I don’t get an oral fixation (that didn’t sound right, lol) and start chowing-down. I guess I will have to start chewing more gum.
I have started doing something with my art and fantasy obsession and plan to post pics when I’m complete with my first project. I haven’t played nearly as much poker since I started this project.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Hey All
I will update within the next few days. I have been real manic for weeks now. I have also been on vacation for a month now.
Later, Ash out...
Later, Ash out...
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