Atom Smasher

I have something for you to check out that I think you would be interested in. First look up CERN. It is the particle accelerator “Atom Smasher” that just started its test runs. It is considered possibly the greatest scientific experiment of all time. They are looking for many things with subatomic particles, foremost among these would be the Higgs Boson “the god particle” - the theoretical substance that gives matter mass and gravity. In theory some byproducts of the testing could create wormholes, mini black holes, strangelets, new universes, new space travel fuels and processes, etc - and possibly show us up to 7 more dimensions that we currently hypothesize yet have no understanding. Oh yea, there is also a slight possibility that it could vaporize everything on the Earth. Figure I might add in that small mundane point. Good nerd stuff. This thing whorls electrons at opposing directions at nearly the speed of light. The loop that the electrons are traveling is 17 miles long and the electrons whip around that circuit 11,000 times per sec. That is just sick.

MAXIM

I HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER;
BIPOLAR DISORDER DOESN'T HAVE ME.

I GOT PISSED

Some guys from other crews were talking about a resent child custody battle of another employee in the press control where I was standing and was half-ass part of the conversation. We were all happy that the guy got his kid. BUT, during the discussion they were talking about why he got the kid. One guy says that he didn’t understand why it took years to come to a resolution. He said that the judge had an easy decision because she was Bipolar. The other guy says no, she was schizophrenic, but they are basically the same thing. They didn’t take her kid from her because of that; they took her away because she was a bad mother, a drug addict, didn’t comply with the court resolutions over and over, and had already lost her 2 other kids for neglect. But I didn’t mention this because I was fuming at their ignorance. I told the mental illness ignorant bastards that there are huge differences. One guy said that I was the psych major so I should clear it all up for them. They probably were wondering why I was aggravated. I explained it all for them the best I could. What really pisses me off is that the major majority of this wonderful country is totally uninformed and ill informed about our illness. We are portrayed in the media and TV shows as total psychos that will snap at any moment and kill everyone in sight. I’m really getting sick of this shit. Every time someone kills someone or more than one person the “experts” start guessing that they are bipolar before anything is even known about the situation. It irks the shit out of me. The stigma that surrounds us at the mere mention of our illness is totally irrational and negative, degrading, demoralizing, and ultimately discriminating. We are stereotyped horribly in the media. One thing positive that I have noticed lately is a few bipolar meds are being advertised on TV. (Although I don’t agree with med advertisements because they take away form Drs diagnoses and horribly increase health care costs.) Maybe that will open the communication lines to the ignorant. OK, rant over.

Afraid and Alone

OK, I’m totally fucking frazzled. I am currently stressed right the fuck out. For the last 6 months or so I have not been stressed at my job. I confronted my boss back then in front of his/our boss and told how I was treated, how my job was threatened, and how he would cuss and scream in my face. I told them that they say that I am the best sup that they have, so why would he feel the need to treat me that way. I told them that I demanded to be treated with respect. After that meeting my boss didn’t mess with and bully me any longer. Our relationship changed for the better; he just asked me to do something nicely and I would do it. No unneeded tension and I would continue to do a good job, but with less undue stress and to my job and life. I explained that with my disorder I just could deal with the treatment. And through consoling I gained some tools to keep me from ruminating about issues. That was the key to controlling my anger, because I wouldn’t have already thought about minor issues incessantly and get livid over them and soon as the confrontation or meeting would occur I wouldn’t already have endorphins ready to fuel my rage. Well, mister rumination has reared his ugly head again in the last 2 days. I am in full-blown bipolar mania mode. Paranoia and conspiracy theories have dominated my every thought. Now it is time for some background info and the incidents and why I am so worried.

I get a call on my days off from my boss and I’m told that during my last night at work that there was some bad product (board) made and my guys blatantly just didn’t pull (downgrade) those boards and just packaged them up to send out to consumers of our product. He continues to tell me that the next 2 shifts’ personnel (which were 2 different crews) also just said fuck-it and didn’t pull the bad boards either. He told me that they couldn’t get a hold of my guys and that he needed me to keep calling and let them know that they needed to come in the next day on their day off and go back through all that board and pull the bad product. He said that there was a huge meeting to discuss the meeting at 9 am my first day back with everyone directly and indirectly involved in the incident. He said it doesn’t look good and Kurt (Plant Manager) was on the edge. The stress started and ensued for the remainder of my days off.

Here is the underlying issue. In the last 2 months 4 separate major quality issues have happened. A lot of downgrade has been incurred. All of these problems have occurred on the other 2 crews. (A and C Crew) But Kurt has had to answer for all of these to cooperate. With the housing market in the shitter and us being down for production curtailment at least 2 weeks out of every 2 months this year, that we need to produce efficiently when we are up and running. Dave and I (B and D Crew respectively) haven’t had a Quality issue in a year and a half to 2 years. A and C have had tons. After a 2 hr meeting with the hourly workers they left. We 3 Sups, a Relief Sup, the Technical Director (QC Superintendent), the Quality Control Leadman, the Finish End Superintendent, the Plant Superintendent, and the Plant Manager all stayed around to discuss the meeting and the disciplinary measures that in to happen. This management meeting lasted 2 more hours. We talked for a while and then my boss asked me what I thought the discipline should be for these people and then he was going to go around the table and ask everyone else’s opinion. I said that I felt that the meeting that we just had would be good enough and that we as Sups should go back and sit with each individual on our respective crews and reiterate everything that we discussed in the meeting and what we expected of them from then on. He wanted everyone written-up and the disciplinary report go into his or her permanent files. If you get too much negative documentation in your file your employment is terminated. Believe me I know. I said that if it was only one person, that that person made a conscious decision to not do their work or if it was one person that they all got together and decided to not do their jobs. But with it being 15 people over 3 different crews that there has to be some underlying issue at work. I said that they are obviously guilty for not caring but that we needed to look at the big picture here. That the current moral in the mill is very negative with all the hourly workers being laid off every month or so. That everyone is worried about their job security and that we had already lost a handful of people looking for different jobs. I stated that in my opinion that if you wrote-up that many people would perpetuate that moral issue and that we might lose more workers. He didn’t like my opinion and commenced to direct a long rant at me, looking at just me. I told him that I didn’t start this conversation; that I was asked my opinion; and that it wasn’t my fault that he didn’t agree with it. That kind’a pissed him off a bit. The two other Sups wanted write-ups of some sort but didn’t want the negative repercussions that would come from it. One guy would lose a worker because he was on his last leg, but at the same time he didn’t want to keep dealing with his ineptitude. Amazingly my boss agreed with my idea. When it was Kurt’s turn he said that he couldn’t just keep explaining these things to corporate. I understand his concern. He kind’a rolled everyone’s ideas into one and added to it. He said that we should write-up a performance agreement with all involved with some generic statement about what occurred and what we expect of them. He then stated that us Sups should also get one to improve moral. He said that if our guys knew that we got reprimanded for their actions, they would rally to us and do a better job to keep us out of trouble. I said hell no and that was crap. Everyone backed me on that issue. I stated what him and the rest already knew, that I was working on an issue all night and that none of my guys informed me of the bad product, so how could I be held accountable for that. After a long discussion we all decided that my boss and my idea would be best for the big picture. When he got up to leave the meeting he stopped at the door and stated talking about how to explain to corporate that no one was disciple for this blatant act. The QC Leadman and I both said that this meeting and the sit-down with the employees was discipline. He said no what we are going to is write-up a performance agreement with those employees. He didn’t mention writing us up. He left. I said to everyone at the meeting that if he was going to micro manage and do what he wanted anyways why did he waste 2 hrs of our life and take the time to ask us our opinions. All agreed with my statement and said talked about him always treating us like that. Our boss told us to start writing up these agreements. My boss comes by my office later and says that he had talked to Kurt later that morning and he made it sound like he changed his mind again and would likely make us forget about the performance agreement and go ahead and write the all up.

The next morning he came in and said that Kurt had pulled him into his office when he got there and said that they would get written up and that we would also. I was instantly pissed. I told JD (my boss) that it was unfair. That I didn’t know shit about the problem. I then stated A and C had tons of quality issues over the last 2 years and this was Dave and my first problem and how could we get written-up for our first issue when the other 2 Sups had never gotten wrote-up over any of their issues over the 2 years. He said that he agreed but his hands were tied. I told him, which he already was aware of, that I was on my last leg also and with this documentation I possibly could lose my job. He said that he understands and that he was thinking the same thing, but didn’t think that would happen. I fumed all day, totally stressed, until I got a call by JD to come to his office. The Finish End Sup and he were sitting in there when I got there. They informed me that I had possibly been making bad board since 9:30 that morning and that it was out of specs and that the QC Leadman was currently going through them to see how my were bad before they told Kurt the bad news. We waited for his call as we discussed the fact that Kurt was going to snap since he had just had the meeting the day prior and that my QC Tech was pretty much fucked and would likely lose his job. It turned out to be 28 units between that time-span the first one was thick as was the last when it was caught. These units luckily are salvageable with some rework due to the lap being thick. We can run them back through the lap saw and shave them down to the right thickness. While on the FE looking into the issue I dropped by the Lab to talk to the Leadman. I told him what I was told by JD about us getting wrote-up and why I felt is was BS. He told me that he was starting to really worry about his job because it just kept happening. He told me that being the Leadman that he had all the Quality data and would compile all the data about A and C Crew’s quality issues and put it in my in box so I would have hard facts when Dave and I fought our write-ups when our HR manager gets back in town. Soon I got a call to go up front to the conference room. I walked in and my boss, the FE Sup, QC Director and Leadman, and Kurt were waiting for me. We started going over the issue and discussed that it was possibly sabotage. A and C Crew are very disgruntled at the moment because they have been getting written-up for some of these other problems. My Tech caught one of their fuck-ups and in the ensuing meeting they said that they thought B and D Techs were conspiring against them and trying to get them in trouble and also sabotaging them. Well C Crew’s tech was the one that messed up the 4 out of the last 5 times among others, but he was the root cause of the out-of-spec product. He stepped-down to a low-rung day laborer. He has been quite vocal around the mill that he was pressured out of his position and unfairly treated. He is a very vindictive person, has spent time in prison, and has done some bad things in the past at work, and has the mentality to sabotage if he can get away with it. I hope it isn’t the case, but he knows how to change the specs. And he and the A crew tech were both working that day going through the previous bad units. Plus, here’s the clincher; they were the ones that found the problem. Well, it was Friday and all of management was going to be off for the weekend. So Monday they will go through 5 consecutive units at the time he said that he did his checks. If they find any good board at that time he could have checked one of those boards and likely shouldn’t get in too much trouble. If they find some good units and then they get bad we have a whole new set of problems, because there might be some sabotage going on in the mill. I hope for my Tech’s sake that they find at least some good board. Now here is where I might have pissed my boss off. He says to me that he doesn’t know if he can trust my tech at this time because we currently don’t know if it was him that messed-up, so he wants me to “shadow” him over the weekend. I said hold-on a minute and what exactly are they asking of me. Do they want me to make sure that he is doing his checks at the right times or do they want the to put a tape measure and micrometer in my hands and actually double-check all of his measurements. The 2 QC people stepped-up and said that yes that would make them feel better while they are gone for the weekend. I said that I didn’t mind doing my job and give him some extra supervision over the weekend so we all know he is doing his checks, but I wouldn’t check his numbers because that isn’t my job. Kurt asks me what exactly am I trying to say. I said that my job is to supervise not do people’s work for them. I said what if the numbers over the weekend end up out-of-specs, who is going to be held accountable for that? I am, that’s who, I said. I told them that I didn’t need anymore stress in my job or responsibility or accountability. I said that I should have the exact same responsibilities as all 3 other Sup’s. I said that my Tech has done his job for 5 years now and that he is certified to do his job, but I would keep a close eye on him for the weekend. I said, but come next week, anything that you expect out of me, that the other Sup’s better have the same responsibilities because we all have the same job descriptions or otherwise it is discrimination. The meeting pretty much ended right there or real so after. The QC lead and I were told that we could leave. Craig told me that he was sorry for suggesting it outside.

OK, here are the issues that are swimming through my head and stressing me the fuck out. I am on my last leg. My Boss and Kurt repeatedly tell me that I am the best Sup that we have and I meet all my goals every year and no one has ever been hurt in my 5 years running my crew. But, I always have one negative comment every year though. Ash has a problem with professional communication, especially with management. And I admit that I did. I used to just snap in meetings and get red-faced and yell and argue and overall just be a dumbass. Kurt would say that I usually was right or at least had valid points; it was just the way that I expressed those points. I couldn’t help myself sometimes. I now know it was when I was having an episode. Once I was put back on days as a relief Sup for 8 months or so after one of my outbursts, because they said that I was likely stressed due to production concerns, because most of my outbursts were due to downtime issues that I felt I shouldn’t have incurred for whatever reason. Almost losing my job due to my then unknown mental illness and the anger and extreme paranoia is why I originally went to my Dr and asked for happy pills. He gave me anti-depressants, which we later found out was making me more depressed likely. He told me that he wanted me to see a psychiatrist and I said hell no, I’m not crazy dude; I just have an anger problem. Later on I did it again because I couldn’t help myself and almost lost my job again. They told me that they already had enough documentation to but they wanted to work with because I am good at what I do and that my people highly value and respect me. When they put me back on days most of the crew went up front together and said that they didn’t want to lose me as their Sup. Sadly, they said that I did get upset sometimes, but knew when I was in a bad mood and stayed away. Sadly, because people had to walk on egg-shells around me at times, not because they said it. They said that they couldn’t continue to let me act the way that I did and they were going to give me one more chance. I then realized that my meds just weren’t doing it for me so swallowed my pride to support my family, and I called my Dr and asked him to set me up with a shrink. He immediately diagnosed me and started my meds. It has been a long road with my meds. I had to take sick leave twice in the last 2 years for a week or so each time because my meds just weren’t stabilizing me. So basically I have to watch everything that I say now, because I am under a microscope and constant scrutiny. If my comments pissed him off he might try to take my job. I wasn’t argumentative and never raised my voice; I just stated my opinions on what I felt was unfair and biased responsibilities being added to my job. I honestly can’t take the added stress and if all other sups don’t share in my added accountabilities it is in my opinion, unfair and discrimination. C-crew had the same exact thick lap issue a month ago and his Sup was never asked to mic his boards. Because I was once a QC Tech doesn’t give them the right to add it to my job title. I haven’t worked in the lab in 7 years now; I am no longer certified to do those tasks. Anyway I am very worried that he didn’t like me making demands and probably not in front of others. Maybe he will take it as a slight to his authority, because he is like that. It is all about his image.

Here’s some of my conspiracy theories that have been plaguing my thoughts. I was recently offered a job by Kurt. It is like a project manager who uses Lean Six Sigma theory to perform cost saving projects by reducing bottle necks in systems and processes. It is a temporary position lasting 2 to 3 years. It is a gateway job which opens the door to getting high paying corporate positions. He said that who he replaced his current Black Belt with reflects totally on him. He said that only a very few people in the mill had the requirements to perform the tasks of this job. He said that I was likely the smartest person at the mill and had the necessary intellect and skill to perform this job. I talked with him about the position. I would have to travel a lot for training and seminars and giving presentations before small and large groups, and ultimately have to move after 2 or 3 years to Nashville at Corp Headquarters or some other place. I told him that I really appreciated his comments and his faith in my skills and that they were very uplifting and humbling. But I was honest with him and told him that my kids were already established in school here and my wife’s mother was ill and that I couldn’t see her leaving her, so I doubt that I would take the position and uproot my family. I told him that maybe I would take it the next time it opened up in a few years. He told that he had a very short list of other potentials to look at and for me not to make any steadfast decisions yet and just think about it, talk it over with my family, talk it over with Joe (current Black Belt), and get back him at a later date. My life and I decided not to take the offer so I never talked to Joe. I started also to see through the lines here and figured that Joe wanted to stay in town and if a salary job opened up he would have to relocate. Joe is also related in some fashion to Kurt. A week later while checking my mail in the front office he saw me and called me into his office. He tells me that he had decided that I was the one for the job and had I given it any more thought. I once again told him that I didn’t think it was in my current life plan. He said that he was afraid that he had alluded to the fact that I could just patiently wait around to take the job next time. He goes into how our business is doing poorly and that there is no guaranty how long our mill would be around. He goes on to say that the more skills that I have the more options I would have available to me. He tells me that he knew that I hadn’t talked with Joe yet and both of them thought I was a perfect fit for the job. I bet he did! He told me to talk with Joe and my family again and rethink it. Joe came to my office the next day or so and hung-out until everyone left and we talked about it. I didn’t even ask him what he does because I already had a pretty good idea, so instead I told him why I didn’t want the job. He told me that he was feeling the same way. That he was single when he took the job, but now he had a wife and a baby and that he didn’t want to leave the area. He left and I haven’t talked to Kurt about it in the month since.

These are the tumultuous thoughts that are currently scrambling my brain. I have a little paranoid conspiracy theorist gremlin living in my head and he won’t leave me alone. I hope that I don’t have to post that I lost my job in the next few days. We will see.

Later, spazzing Ash out…

Prelude to My Life

I will start posting a very long and in-depth piece today. It is way too long to put into one post. I will divvy it up in many small posts. I said at the start of this blog that at some point I would discuss my growing years. Well, that time is here. You will likely lose respect for me by reading this, but hey, did I really have anyone’s respect anyways? I will say that I left a lot as innuendo, just alluding to many facts because some things are so intense or foul that I didn’t want to repeat them in-depth. But you will get the gist early on that I was a very depressed and self-destructive person growing up. That I was a kid that you would dread seeing hanging-out with your child. You will see that even though I was shit most often, I did still have good heart occasionally. And the positive is how I got away from my early troubled existence to where I am currently at in my life and how well my family is doing despite how I was raised. If you ever have any questions because I failed to elaborate enough on any topic, do feel free to ask. No question will hurt me. I actually have found during the writing of my upbringing that it has proved therapeutic; some things, I really didn’t know had lived in the dark corners of my mind all these years. This post started out with me trying to understand how I had lost God in my life, but as I began to write, I came to realize it was much deeper than I had originally thought. It turned into telling my whole life story.

Tid Bits

Growing up I always was afraid of the dark. I’m guessing it was because I had such a vivid imagination. My mind was skilled and morbidly demented enough to envision all the worst things that could be lurking in the dark I guess. I would get out of bed and turn the light back on every time I awoke. I also sleep with me eyes partially open so dreams seem to fade into my immediate surroundings allowing the creatures of my mind to stalk me. Throughout my life I have always had shades or hooded entities torment my dreamworld, chasing me but never quite catching me. When these dreams became frequent I often didn’t sleep until the dawn’s first rays came through my bedroom window. But I haven’t had these dreams in months now. The dark doesn’t really affect me anymore, except the occasional eerie twinge that spontaneously creeps up at times. I just push it away and remember that nothing bad has ever happened in the darkness in my 32 years and all seems right in the world again.

For those that have read all my posts, you know that I live in my own fantasy world. I need escape from the mundane world. I always have an obsession that occupies my thoughts. I don’t find that to be unhealthy, except when I become totally enthralled and become excessively introverted, thus neglecting my family and waking life. My mind is always turning. I am always thinking. My life isn’t bad but I always need more in it. I am never sated with just living. I need something that is always right out of my grasp. I never feel whole. So a book, RPG game, poker, internal fantasy realm, art, crafts, and so on, helps to feed that void that can never truly be filled. I honestly think it is a symptom of our disorder. Our minds are wired differently and I think that we require those escapes to cope with our internal struggles against the dark-side of our illness that wants to depress and harm us. Yet we must remember to compromise and balance our time as to not negligent the ones we love, all the while navigating that inner crevasse that threatens to consume us.

POKER

My manic poker obsession has once again gotten the best of me. I figured to spend more time with my family I would play at night while they slept. Seems positive right? Na, I ended up playing all-nighters and sleeping the day away to the detriment of family time. It didn’t even enter my mind until my wife mentioned it. I’m really not observant sometimes. Well anyways, we have come to a compromise wherein I will play for only 2 hrs during the day and keep sleep schedules with the rest of the family. My wife and I think that is a good compromise. I will still occasionally be online at night due to my crazy work schedule, but the majority of the time will now fall on their time frame. I am happy with this as will they.

Belated Comments

Anonymous Mom said...

it's good that you and your wife are able to discuss things.

quit calling her a bitch, you bastard.

i'm glad you two have each other. be open and honest ash! that's the best you can do! everybody screws up, you were quick with the apology and that counts for something. keep pluggin' along...

OUCH…bastard. That cuts deep. I don’t know who my father was. Naaa, just joking. I truly can be sometimes.

August 15, 2007 12:35 PM

katinkab said...

yeah when i was in the hospital, i started smoking again, cuz the mental health workers would call out smoke breaks every two hours. i'd go 2 or 3 times a day. so when i got out of the hospital, i ended up buying a pack. i still only smoke 2 or 3 cigs a day, but i found a 100% all natural tobacco brand that supposedly doesn't contain additives or chemicals. so i guess it is less hazardous than regular gas station cigs, but it is also expensive. i got them at a tobacco shop for $5.50 a pack.

Don’t delude yourself…all smokes are bad. The chemicals are only part of the adverse effects of puffing. You are putting smoke into your lungs which inflames the bronchi, bronchioles, and alveoli. I’m telepathically sending my support so we can both kick the habit.

August 16, 2007 1:59 AM

katinkab said...

p.s. what is your character's name on WoW? which server do you play on? i'm on Alleria.

My man is Dragonal. My server starts with AZ… that is as far as can remember at the moment and I’m currently working so I can’t check. I think I spend too much time doing quests and grinding. Ash-boy is only a few levels above me and he is over the map. Ash-girl keeps starting over in her quest to try out every race in WoW.

August 16, 2007 2:01 AM


onemeanmutha said...

when you feel like your going to burst, walk away.. words hurt. im glad you guys are able to talk it out though. sending good vibes :)

Ya, I know I should but this was instant anger. She was blaming me for something that I didn’t feel accountable for and she turned it to hurtful comments about my parenting skillz and love for my children. That pissed me off right now let me tell you. I might not be the greatest dad in the world but I love my kids more than anything in this world. We made up and both apologized for our transgressions.

August 16, 2007 5:26 AM

katinkab said...

i am totally addicted to wow. i have a hunter char, i can't seem to get her up to lvl 30. she's been at lvl 29 for like a week... grrrrrr... you should totally get the expansion set as well, they're actually coming out with another set sometime soon. anyway, i can't play wow all the time or i will be excessively obsessed. or some bipolar feature. my current meds are 600mg lithium and 300mg lamictal. i think adding the lithium to my cocktail has helped to stabilize me a bit. i'm still restless and agitated though. i've been self-medicating somewhat with cigs. it's such a bad habit.

I am pretty stable at the moment, although poker is starting to consume every waking thought. Football has started so that should calm down my obsessive tendencies.

August 6, 2007 10:19 PM

Butterfly said...

LMBO!

Hey is WoW provides and opp for father-son bonding, then I'm all for it (despite have NO clue as to what it is).

Enjoy.

Playing WoW leads to the darkside! LOL. Stay away because it will consume you to the detriment of your waking life. I have always used RPG’s as an escape from reality, like I used to with drugs and booze in my teenage years. This just happens to be one that is truly a world that you can live in. There isn’t much that you can’t do. It’s not all fighting and questing. But it does start many conversations with my children and that is always welcome.

August 8, 2007 11:34 PM

knicksgrl0917 said...

hey! i'm going to cali this weekend and won't be back until september...here is the website i was talking about where i made extra summer cash. Later! the website is here

SHUT THE HELL UP SPAMMER. My Voodoo doll currently has about 15 needles jammed into your genitals. Is your pee burning? It’s either my hex or you have the clap from some dirty skank that you gave a roofy. Pervert.

July 30, 2007 8:09 AM

katinkab said...

dude how can fat people be a "race"? that is the most ridiculous thing i've heard in a while.

Some people live life and never use their intellect to think about what they don’t understand. Once school is over their brain stagnates because they are unwilling to learn. Phrases and adages are the worst for these people. They say them wrong or out of context, usually because they heard them when they were young and never revisited them later on after they acquired the ability for critical thinking in adolescence. I’m sure I miss-say a few myself.
Funny example: We were playing poker one night and a friend brought his wife along. She won a big hand off of him and jokingly said that he was going to cow-cock her when they got home. She obviously meant cold-cock, but she had always thought it was stated cow-cock. And the jokes ensued. She was actually a good sport about it as we insinuated that she was into “barnyard relations.” He face was a solid red as she blushed the rest of the night. She has played once or twice since so it didn’t really bother her and she knew it was all in good fun.

August 6, 2007 10:10 PM

Butterfly said...

LMBO!! I agree!

How about making an island only for dumb people?

They’d breed themselves back to Cro-Magnon and likely revert to cannibalism.

August 8, 2007 11:35 PM

Thanks for the comments and my belated responses. And may your moods be stable.
Later, Ash out…

GOSH

New pet peeve: people that say racist when they mean prejudice. Ex: “That’s racist man, you shouldn’t pick on fat people.” OK then, let’s pick on dumb people because you’re in a race of your own. God, this aggravates the hell out of me.

YO YO YO

First of all – I’m OK, there is nothing wrong. Thank you for your concern though. I’ve been busy lately. Both of my children play soccer and we are on the run nonstop. Now it will calm down a little and only consume 3 days per week until it concludes in August. Of course that is when football starts and runs 5 days a week for practice and games on Saturday. Other than that I have gotten back into poker big time. I have to, OK maybe not have to, get 100 points a day and that takes from 1 ½ to 2 ½ hrs a day. I try to do this poker time while the family is sleeping most of the time. And finally bringing up last place for time consumption is my pysch courses. So as you can see I haven’t had a lot of time to spend online. I have even neglected to read any blogs lately. When I’m playing online poker I have 8 tables going at once, which requires me to make decisions every few seconds, which leaves no time for web surfing. I am on vacation again for 12 days.

The sad thing about my vacation is why I took it at this particular time. You see, I work that odd 4 on-4 off schedule so my days and nights at work progress forward 1 day a week. Well I absolutely hate day shift. That is when all the big wigs are at work and I have to deal with them all shift. But in my business and needing to do things with my production, which causes havoc more often than not. Plus I absolutely hate a few of my bosses. One because he is a bully type that has to stroke his own ego whenever possible, plus he thinks he is intelligent when his intellect is mediocre at best, and the other boss due to his utter lapse from reality. I’m telling you this guy breathes flowers and shits sunshine. He is quite educated, yet he believes the world should be perfect and when it isn’t he doesn’t get it. He thinks everyone should just want to do extra things like joining teams and extra work for the good of the company and not for monetary reasons. Employees should just put forth extra effort and be happy to give up their time. So he is basically ignorant and totally unrealistic in all of his opinions and goals. So he always comes up with these projects that I then have to go back to my people and try to gain support by way of his brainless propaganda. Everything is to make him look good in the eyes of his superiors. So when he starts one of his rants you better have your sun-screen with you because he is about to pump sunshine up your ass. He is basically a cardboard cutout with an ever-present faux smile on his fake façade. So back to the main point of this short story of a paragraph: I took a vacation solely to avoid my job. Also the most stressful day during the week on dayshift is down day, which occurs on Thursdays. The mill is shut down and maintance is performed on countless mechanical and electrical items. I am then in charge of over 50 people and have to keep them on a tight schedule. At times I have to be a stern taskmaster, is uncharacteristic for my demeanor. I’m not a soft leader, but I’m not an unquestionable dictator. I govern through the old adage of treating people the way you want to be treated. I show respect and thus I’m respected and given great loyalty from my close-knit crew. Not to say that I never snap; I don’t think any bipolar individual could proclaim that. But with this extended group I have to regulate with a stronger arm sometimes although I show respect. So this day is the most difficult day of my job. It always seems to go wrong; nothing ever starts up smoothly. This day only happens, due to my schedule, once a month or so. To remedy this stressful time comprising of Down Day and working on days for my entire 4 days on I took a vacation. I guess that is what a vacation is for really: to relax and relieve stress. But I feel weak for this maneuver.

I should have plenty of time for blog-life and extra studiousness very soon. My division of the corporation is feeling some hard times due to the anemic housing market. The 3 plants making our product are taking some downtime for product curtailment. Starting in July we are taking 2 weeks down. We will then produce our exterior siding for a month and then shut down the mill for another 2 weeks. We will continue on this schedule for the remainder of the year. For most employees this means 2 weeks every month and a half for 6 months. Only salary employees will remain during the down weeks. I am luckily one of the few. There are 125 employees at my workplace and less than 20 are salary. So all my whining about not getting overtime or paid for my extra time during Smoke School week has its counter balance. I will continue with my regular wage which is sorely needed since my wife has been off of work for a year now with an injury. That is a solace that I am grateful for. I sure hope work doesn’t go under, that would be a life altering situation, just as if I lost my temper again in a manic rage and lost my job. The good side is that I will be left to my own vices for the down times, unless my dick of a boss tries to make me a laborer on occasion. On nights I would be alone in the large facility, but they put another department head with me for safety reasons. He will likely live in his office as will I, which will give me unadulterated time to myself.

On the mental front I am still feeling that sense of normalcy for the most part. Though I am habitually playing and thinking poker, poker, poker. Maybe I am not manic; maybe it’s just my addictive tendencies. I do think maybe I am a little manic though. If I don’t take my Seroquel I don’t get tired, I just continue to click that mouse while playing a plethora of tables at once. Also I both 2 jerseys off of Ebay totaling $100 with my favorite pro poker player’s name on them. I also bought a huge box of cards with 26 packs in them. They are expensive all-plastic casino quality cards and I got a great deal on them. But that seems a little obsessive now that I have bought them. I will never have to buy another deck of cards in a few decades. I am not overly emotional. I get irrated less often. Normal people get agitated and they aren’t considered different, so maybe I getting a little pissed here and there is normal too. While I guess I will end this extended entry with a weight update. 2 weeks of silence and now a novel. For those of you that haven’t given up on me - I thank you and have missed your thoughts and blogs. A week ago on Saturday I had broken the 200 threshold weighing-in at 197lbs. But I’m guessing I’m currently sitting at 202 or so. I have been a little naughty this week. See you soon.

Later, Ash out…

A Week's Worth of This and That

I have been in a weird place this week. I don’t really know how to describe it. I just am. I’m not depressed and I’m not overtly happy. I just am. I actually feel normal at the moment. I do kind of feel mania in the back corners of my mind wanting to be released.

I have been neglectful in my med maintenance; I let my Lamictal run out and didn’t get it filled for a few days. I just got in back yesterday and already I have forgotten to take it once. I took my morning dose and forgot to take my night dose. I don’t know what this is all about, but I need to remedy it before it becomes a habit.

I haven’t listened to the stress relief CD’s yet. I burned myself copies yet haven’t taken the time to listen to them. I have to go see my P-doc on Weds and I will have to admit this or lie; I haven’t quite decided which to do yet. I lost my appointment card so I will have to call for the time. Thurs I have my T-doc appointment. I’m guessing he will totally remove me from the Risperdal. That will leave me with Lamictal and Seroquel. I can live with that. Now that I think about it, since the reduction of Risperdal I have been feeling normalcy to a certain extent. Likely just a coincident. I’m pretty sure of it.

I feel poker wanting to comeback into the picture fiercely. It really makes no sense to me. All winter while it was shitty out and playing countless hrs of online poker would seem a typical escape I didn’t have the urge whatsoever – or barely anyways. Yet now when it is beautiful outside and I should be out frolicking in the wildflowers I feel the twinge of gambling entering my thoughts more and more. I have just this past week put in more time at it than in the month prior. Luckily I have always used bankroll management and have none of our money online; I play with profits, having long-since taken my seed money off the internet. In don’t mind really that I will be playing more soon, it’s just that it seems to have arrived at the wrong time of the year. I will try to manage my time during this foray into my poker realm and spent most normal hrs with my family and not neglect them for the sweet shimmer of the computer screen. I will not get back into that mode where I am in my own little world although it is calling stronger day by day. At least this time I know what’s happening and won’t let it take total control.

I am ashamed to say that I have possibly neglected my health. I had a 6 month check-up slip come in the mail months ago. And I do mean months ago. I was put on meds due to high cholesterol. Due to my BP meds and the horrible over-eating that ensued. But the BP meds and the cholesterol possible could hard my liver. So I was supposed to wait like 6 to 8 weeks and get my liver function checked just to be safe. I am embarrassed to say that I am afraid to needles. I hate giving blood. It is a real phobia for me. I don’t know why I am so fearful of a fucking little poke, but sadly that is the case. I have a panic attack every time, but I deal with it long enough for them to draw blood. They often ask if I will be alright. I dread it so bad that I didn’t get my liver function checked of my cholesterol. The last time that I gave blood they gave me a young check likely still training and she poked me 3 times and dug around in my arm for a few excruciating minutes. But this week I am going to make that appointment and get my bloodwork done. It is truly irrational, I know, but for some reason I have this fear. When I was a child the uncle that I lived with for a while always stated that he was afraid of needles. I wonder if something as simple as your elder expressing fear could evolve subconsciously into a phobia for a youngster. I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’m going to schedule bloodwork and a Dr’s appointment this week. Pray for me LOL. I'm such a puss.

I lost another 3lbs this last week. I now weigh-in at 202lbs. That’s 14lbs in month 1. I am pretty happy with that. 3 more pounds and I will be in the 100’s. That shows me that my eating habits were horrid. I haven’t exercised yet. That means that I was merely over-eating. I’m not obsessing and eating healthy either. I am just pushing the plate away with a little caloric goodness still sitting unconsumed on it. I have been taking healthier snacks to work more often than not though: yogurt and fruit. I still buy my beloved pretzels on occasion. So really I have just calmed down my consumption. That is good enough for me for right now. I am proud.

T-doc Visit: I'm Broken

I had a T-doc visit on Tues. It was a good session sort of. She is saying that some of my issues are due to my illness and some are learned traits from childhood. I guess I agree. It makes it harder to work on my issues. I hate when she asks things about my childhood. My growing up years sucked. My parents sucked. But for some reason I have an instinct to withhold and defend my parents acts. I don’t like to blame my environment for my traits and habits. I know it is true though. I have studied this in my courses. Part of what you are is inherent and some is from the environment in which you were raised and witness to. The inherent things are the hardest things to work on because they are encoded into your very being. It can be worked on, yet it is hard work. On the other hand environmental character flaws are slightly easier to repress or disengage.

She thinks my anxiety attacks come from my perfectionism and need to control every aspect of my environment She thinks that those 2 habits come from my environment growing up. She thinks because my dad was never satisfied with anything that I did that I developed these strong feelings that bring on anxiety. If I’m going to have a confrontation, I might not have control in the situation so I lose control of my emotions and get all the anxiety symptoms. She also thinks that because of my childhood experiences that I have a perpetual need to excel and be perfect. This brings me unbridled stress, which also triggers anxiety and anger. It is also why I procrastinate in most things in life. I am afraid of failing so I never start anything so I can protect myself from my perfectionism. It is a vicious cycle. As much as I hate to admit these flaws about myself I think she is right in her analysis. And as they say: the first step to recovery is acceptance.

It kind of sucks. When you think all of your issues are due to your illness you can deal with that. You can blame it on something that is out of you power. You can blame it on a chemical imbalance. You can blame your neurotransmitters. But when it is just you, you are left bare. You have no disorder to hide behind. You have to start to understand that you are fucked-up. It is you. So I’m fucked-up. Now I must find and fix myself. Hopefully this is the source of my anger so I can work on it and someday (hopefully soon) alleviate and ultimately cure its demonic grasp of my moods.

I am overall happy with therapy. I need help with some things in life and at least I am willing to improve. Some people, especially men, wouldn’t go to a psych much less therapist. I’m starting to see that it isn’t because they are tough or more manly, it is because they are insecure deep down and are afraid of what they might find.

Just When I Thought I Was Out... They Pull Me Back In

Did You even know that there was such a thing as bipolar remission?

That article was the result of searching for how I felt.

Remission. I feel like I am in remission.

There is so much online about remission. I knew it wasn't in my head. Remission really IS what I am going through.

One site said: Bipolar disorder may involve long periods of remission between episodes. Everyone can be lulled into a false sense of security. This fosters denial of the illness and premature medication cessation.

Wow!

Wait, now remission means it could come back. Hmmmm, I guess it's too early to tell if I'm in remission or if I healed myself. My goal is to heal myself, so I'll keep ya posted.

Anyway, I feel great to know this, like I'm more aware and have been given a heads up on an assassin that may try to get me. Or maybe I watch too much Law & Order.

So grateful for info available on the Internet.

Click on Butterfly’s above post to visit her blog. She has some links to sites about BP remission hyperlinked into the same post on her site.

This is exactly how my week has gone. I wasn’t overly happy or anything. I wasn’t overly sad. I functioned with out animosity for the world. I wasn’t affected by noise. My nerves weren’t grated. Humans didn’t seem inferior to my omnipotence. I wasn’t irrational and irritated. I guess you would call it normalcy. I was a lukewarm normal person. I was feeling fine and that was fine by me. I actually started to think that maybe I was regulated somehow. Was it the Omega 3 fish oil that I just started taking? Was it the fact that I wasn’t stuffing myself like a plucked turkey? Was I maybe not really bipolar anymore?

Then came Friday. I awoke to a world of inferior lifeforms that didn’t deserve to be in my almighty presence. Them merely talking among themselves in the living room down the hall was aggravating. Just shut the fuck up. Do you always have to talk I thought? It still didn’t dawn on me that I was being irrational. I got up went into the living room. I got on my computer lifeline. Within 5 min I had already told my children to calm down. Hey be quiet. What don’t we get about be fucking quiet. Stop running all around. I’m not being cranky Ash-wife, they aren’t listening. My mom comes over. Mom you are really aggravating the shit out of me I think. I am very short with her. She is making no sense. She is having a bad day mentally and being totally irrational. She is saying stupid senseless shit that has me on edge. I still don’t really get that I am different. Everyone is making me this way. It isn’t me. I am starting to have an anxiety attack as mom is being irrational. She is ready to leave. She sees that I am in a mood. Dad pulls into the yard. I hug her bye and watch her go out the door. She pops her head back in and says that dad said to tell me that he just caught a big fish. I succinctly and curtly say that’s nice, later, bye. As an afterthought a min later I realize that it wouldn’t be nice to not say hi to dad. I walk out to the truck and say hi and bye, really just wanting them to leave.

Ash-wife tells me that I’m being really mean and short as I walk back in. That I have treated her like shit and the kids like shit since I got up and that I just treated my mom like a piece of shit. It just dawns on me that she is totally right. I am having an episode for the first time in close to a week. Normalcy over. Asshole endured and overcame the fight with remission. Remission you ain’t shit. WaHaHaHa. What were you thinking? That you were a nice person that thought everyone’s thoughts and opinions were just as important as your own. PO’leeze, the world should just be happy that you are in it. You are fucked and defective. Didn’t you know that. You are bipolar. Now deal with it. I tell her that I can’t help it and that didn’t really even realize that I was being that way until she just pointed it out. She asked if there was anything that I could take to calm myself. I told her no but that it was time for my night meds. She said that she was really worried about me going to work that night. She was afraid I was going to continue on my current path of destruction. I told her that there wasn’t anything that I could do, no one to call to cover for me, that I would just have to ride it out. I said lets hope that I have an easy night with no problems so I could stay in my office and not be put in any situations that I had to make snappy decisions. I am calmer as I get ready for work. I think it was due to being aware that I was in a pert mood.

At work I am a little short with my press guys that live in the larger office outside my office. They tell me that I have the crazy eyes going. I try to calm myself. I do. Then I get a call that a machine had broken badly. I put on my radio and head to the problem. I take an assessment and the prognosis wasn’t the greatest. I supervise as my guys work on the situation. I am acutely attuned to every aspect of their job and what they are working on. It was almost like the world was in slow motion. I saw where I could jump in and do things that they were taking too long doing. But hey, when you are on the outside looking in you can see things clearer; it’s not necessarily that I was superior, although it felt that way. I caught myself before I griped at some of the things that they were doing. I was kind of getting a little work-up as I watched. I decided to remove myself from the situation for a minute and let them handle themselves. I am proud of myself for doing this. I took a walk around the facility and cleared my head as I told myself that they were doing a good job; they actually were doing a good job, but my BP was on over-critical mode. I went back and held myself together. I was worked up to the point of running my mouth again in around 20 min because they were checking over the whole machine and taking a long time doing it. Just as I am ready to ruin the moral of my people they buttoned everything up and were ready to rock. I tell everyone good job and that they had done it well with a faked smile. Later we had another problem. This time one of my guys wasn’t very observant and overlooked that there was a problem. He tried to manually run the machine and jammed everything tight ass hell and turned a 10 min problem into a 45 min problem. This time I jumped right in there and helped out because I could see that they were trying to fix it the hard way and that it would have took a long time. As I ran the team I was very positive and didn’t treat anyone adversely. We got finished and I told everyone good job. I then sat with the guys that normally would fix the problem and ran through the whole scenario and taught them how to do it the right way. I told them that we all make mistakes and that even though what happened sucked for all of us, that as long as we learned from the situation, that it would make us stronger, and that I was happy. I was happy with the way I handled the second problem outwardly and emotionally. I didn’t have an anxiety attack – not even slightly. The first problem, I treated everyone well, but inside I was tilting. The second problem I didn’t feel any anxiety even though I jumped in and helped.

I might actually be beginning to get a slight handle on my anger and unfavorable emotions. But I need to get a higher sensitivity to my feelings and emotions; they are a muddled language that is very cryptic and difficult for me to unravel. I just don’t really see it until I hit maximum overdrive. I need to find a way to get more attuned to my inner self sooner so I can repress my ferocity, irritability, and arrogance before it is outwardly noticeable. That is the ultimate goal of the moment. I am afraid that if Ash-wife wouldn’t have pointed my mood out to me that I would have mistreated people that didn’t deserve it. You never know, I might even have had that catastrophic blow-up that ends my current career. Hopefully that day doesn’t come; I have been trying so hard to keep that at bay.

Snippets

I have just weighed myself at 9:30PM after watching my beloved Detroit Pistons whip the shit out of the Bulls. Fuck you Wallace; we don't need you, you money grubbing bitch. I now weigh 210lbs. That is -6lbs in week 1.

I have drank a lot of red wine tonight after my last day of work and I can't truly say why. Who fuckin' cares.

HATE. Death and Destruction. Bring it fuckers.

I hate my job and take my considerable vacation time around when I work days. Recap: I work 4, 12hr days, 7am to 7pm – 4 days off – 4, 12hr nights, 7pm to 7am. My T-doc and P-doc both say that this is a very hard schedule for me and that it is unhealthy physically and mentally. I don’t take vacation to do things: I take vacation to reduce my stress. You see, Mon–Fri 7am-4pm the bosses at my plant are there. I hate this time at work. Thursdays are the very worst for me. On Thurs we shut down the whole mill and every department. – Green End, Production, Finish End, Electrical, Mechanical, environmental, and Quality Control all work on upkeep of their individual processes. All in all I am responsible for making sure that they complete there work on time; lets round it off at 100 individual people. I walk around and make sure everyone is working at a productive pace. I need to find out who is going to hold my start-up up. They damn sure better have a good reason. We go down at 7:30am thru 3:30pm - 8hrs: 480mins. That is my allotted time to keep the mill down. After that my personal Crew is docked efficiency for every min that the mill doesn’t run. This is a very tedious process, which I have been one of the best at since I started running my crew 5 years ago. I was a tyrant to some and a mentor to others. I kept people to task. I was told in my evaluations that I take my job too seriously and put too much stress on myself. That I am the top performer usually, with the most talented crew, and therefore I should relax and slow the pace a bit. I have always strove to do my best. Sometimes my assertiveness would kick-in as I tried to perform. I sometimes would snap at people and tell them of their incompetence. I was a stern taskmaster. You either performed or you felt my wrath. I would be the best and you better not be the weakest link. Don’t take this to mean that I showed no compassion. I was respected and loved by my crew. I treated my crew like a coddled, cherished prize. I covered up their mishaps and fuck-ups. I saved many jobs at risk to my own employment. My crew was my family and they would do anything for me. They performed for me alone. But sadly I kept expecting more from everyone that wasn’t a part of my crew, especially on D. days. You must realize that these other people on Down Days weren’t my guys, they reported to others, although I was ultimately responsible for their performances on D. Day. I was manic a few too many times and I was reported to management as an antagonist to put it lightly. Incompetence, I just couldn’t stand. I am a perfectionist and I need to be validated as the best of the best or I can’t relax and sleep at night. Honestly they expect this of me. They are the Man. They are Conglomerate. I am a fucking pawn, people. It is expected of me, but just don’t get a bad wrap. I hate my fucking job. I have no true friends. Everyone has an ulterior motive. Brown-nosing bastards. Aren’t you glad that I’m drunk and opening up a bit. I took it too far. I got turned in a few too many times for snapping, and they tried to fire me. My crew, whom I have treated like gold all went up front to management and protested. My job was spared due solely to the love my crew had for me because of how I treated them. I was placed on days for 6 months of probation. This wasn’t due solely to my treatment of incompetent bastards that didn’t deserve their jobs in the first place. I had a bad reputation of going up front in the management meetings and calling department heads incompetent in front of everyone. I would normally know when to shut-up, but when I was manic, the beast would come out and I would snap at the board meetings. Imagine that I am accountable for every min (720min) of my 12 hr shift. No matter which dept was at fault, I was still ultimately the culprit and I better understand every aspect of every damn min that the mill isn’t running. We actually have a screen on the wall that the computer projects every min that I wasn’t making product. I have to explain why we weren’t running and what I did to remedy the problem. You see, I am a very anal person that needs to know every aspect of every fucking thing. If I had to explain it, you better bet your ass that I can tell you what the problem was. I would tell department mangers what was the problem because I had researched deeply, at much stress to myself. I would inform them of the problem. I would then go on my for days off. When I came back I was finding that they hadn’t fixed the problems that I had told them about 4 days earlier. I would snap and tell them that they weren’t doing their jobs efficiently. After a while of butting heads with the highest people at your plant, the Plant Manager will slap you down, right or wrong. Months after being taken from my crew I was allowed back because I had excelled again with the small day crew that I was given and had maintained calm. Being put on days was an embarrassing time for me. Assholes leaked why I was on days. I was told if I have just one more major outburst it is the end of my job. At first I thought I would end up being sabotaged and framed by people – ambitious or people that have a grudge. But that didn't happen. Actually it was tried once but it didn't work because enough people were present to counter a few peoples' lies. I was placed back on my crew over a year ago. I took them and put them back on top and was the best performing crew once again. At my evaluation I was given the highest raise among Sup’s, yet I was once again docked for lack of professional communication. My manic ass once again snapped a few more times, yet not nearly as bad. I can usually repress my opinions and take them home and run them over and over though my mind, but when I’m manic I tell the people at the morning meetings that they suck and aren’t doing their best. It is my BP at it’s best that tries to take my job. I was told that I was the smartest and most responsible Sup that they had, but that I needed to calm down and let the mill run without my stern arm. That I was out-performing everyone, so I just needed to not worry so much. Just let pieces fall as they may. I have this year tried that philosophy as of yet and I just sit in my office mostly. I could do so much more, but this is what they ask of me. Sadly this is how the other Sup's spend their days and they don't get near as stressed as I do. I need my job; I hate my job. It sucks when someone tells you to do less than your best. I need to feed my family so I will play their game. So back to the beginning of this super long paragraph, I now try not to work on days Mon – Fri. If I have to work Mon thru Thurs on day or Tues thru Fri on days I just take that week off of work. That keeps me away from all the bosses and a D.D. You would be amazed at the stress that I escape by taking this vacation. Sadly you shouldn’t hate your job that much. But where else would an under-achieving GED fuck flourish. God I hate my life, but I’m willing to endure for the security of my family. What is my soul worth anyways?

I think I have a gambling problem that I am infecting others with. I have played poker at work today with certain members of my crew. Now that's a close-knit crew.

Oh yea, I got a couple of responses back from blog advertising sites that I applied for back when it was just my poker site. They want me now that I have people actually reading a fuckin' blog of mine. I plan to review ads for these sites. I hope that doesn't make me a sellout. I figure if I'm going to be blogging anyways for what I truly believe in, I mind as well get paid.

What does 6 lbs mean when the world is shit . FTW.

Later, Ash fuckin' out.

It’s All Pseudo-science and Psychobabble

Colorgenics along with most personality tests, astrology, tarot cards, throwing down chicken bones, phone psychics, soothsayers, clairvoyants, etc. have more to do with your core beliefs and superstitions due to how you were raised, and the skill of the perpetrator, than science of any caliber. They prey on insecurities and half-beliefs and hopes and dreams that we think or need to think about ourselves. Often they can be used for good. Psychics often help give closure for relatives of dead loved-ones by telling them that they are happy in the afterlife or that they forgive some past transgression by the living. But mostly it is negative some way, whether by giving false hope about fortune, fame, or love or reinforcing and validating negative traits that we wrongly thing about ourselves. In the colorgenics paragraphs for every positive there was one or more negative. If you say both sides of everything, something in there will hit close enough to home that it seems remarkable that they “knew” that about you. It is fun to try and laugh about, but never put your faith in a faithless thing, it usually hurts in the end. But that’s just my opinion. I am a born skeptic and critical thinker. I’d have to catch a ghost to believe in them. OK, maybe not or I wouldn't be afraid of the dark while alone.

Your thoughts?

I knew you where going to think that!

T-Doc and Homework

Another reason that I know I was manic on Weds was because of what happened while at the T-doc’s. I talked way too much. I wouldn’t say that I’m usually succinct to her probing questions. But today if she asked an open-ended question I was all over it, branching off into other similar topics and my personal analysis and views on the topics. Her pen was a blur on the page. I was babbling. She knew I was manic. Oh yea, funny thing that happened. I do think I might have pissed her off. If I did, she covered it well. But I know how it pisses me off someone does it to me. Anyway, while she was on a drawn-out diagnosis of one of my mental inadequacies, I get this shit-eating grin on my face. You know the kind. Where it is obvious that you think something is hilarious and are holding back. She stops what she was saying. She says, “do tell what you are thinking right now.” I say, “I don’t know,” yet it makes me smile even more. To my defense, I honestly didn’t know why I was smiling. She says in a nonchalant, non-pissed-off way, like she was actually curious, “no really, I’d like to know what you are smiling about.” I start laughing and say, “me also.” She bored of the verbal tit-for-tat and went back to her analysis of ineptitudes. About 10 mins later we go through the same conversation again because a smile snuck through my earnest attentive façade.

I tell you what, I have a guy that works for me that does that shit, and a few times when I was in a irritable frame of mind, I snapped on him. If I remember right, it went something like, “what the fuck’s so funny?” followed up with a quick, “what the fuck you smiling for then?” I am working on it guys so bear with me. These outbursts are few and far between for a while now. But I’m medicated now and also more atoned and cognizant of my moods and actions.

I told her of my quest to solve this thing and that I have begun schooling in psychology. Of course my analytical mind thinks that there has to be a finite solution to this illness. Actually there is, but neuroscientists and geneticists haven’t yet pinpointed it. Maybe in my lifetime, yet if not, definitely in my children’s lifetime. OK, I digress, back to the paragraph’s topic. I think sometimes that it irks them a little that I’m studying their craft. Like I might be second-guessing their diagnoses. They seem to calm down on the superfluous psychobabble a little bit, as if I might say BS or something. Maybe it’s just my insecurities. That’s more likely. It’s just that quick look in their eyes when you first say it.

Another thing that we decided about me is that I feel that I’m intellectually superior than most people. I agree with her. Not that I am per se, but that mentally I feel that way. She says that it is part of my disorder. I told her that I know that it is irrational and that ultimately I know that I’m not brighter than everyone around me. But I do at times just seethe at peoples’ incompetence. I can’t help it. We discussed that everyone is better at certain things than the next person. Everyone has their attributes and that I must learn to humble myself somewhat. This will be hard for me; my opinions just seem so right. LOL. She told me if I get to lofty about myself to remember that I’m bipolar and most people are normal. Damn, she slapped me down. I can handle it; I’m a big boy. I have a lot of different things to work on. Time to delve in.

She game me homework. I already have enough on my plate, but I guess healing has a cost. So I must put in some effort. BOoo. She said that what I will be working on is, catastrophic thinking, cognitive restructuring, and what if – self talk. She gave me a course book with a couple of post-its in it. One is an exercise – the daily record of dysfunctional thinking. I hate charting shit, especially personal feelings and shit. This will be tedious at best. The other one is a chapter on visualization. What the hell do these 2 chapters have to do with the 3 things I am supposed to be learning about. I have to go back on Mon so I need to invest a little time with this book. As I learn every week, I plan on commenting and analyzing my treatment and posting here. Hopefully we all can learn from my P-doc.

Lastly – does anyone else feel raped and dirty after a therapy session? I’ve only had 2 and I already feel stripped and naked after I leave. I feel like I divulged some deep dark secrets that I usually hide in the dark corners of my psyche. She knows how to pry loose things that I don’t even think about and never really realized how they actually affected me. I don’t know if I like this. I know that it is part of the healing process, but this is my personal info. My dad has already been blamed for some of my social and relations foibles. Makes me wonder how much I’ve fucked up my kids. Hopefully I have time to counteract some of the negative traits that they have learned by environment osmosis.

Chronological Update

Weds, 17th – Day 9

I visited my P-doc for the first time. She seemed nice and more importantly, competent. I told her about my 4 major issues amidst her probing questions. Anxiety attacks; being distant; sleep issues; and anger and its subgroups: hyper-irritability, uncontrollable anger, and impulse anger. She said we will start with the uncontrollable anger. We talked about when I was having this form of anger and found that I was usually geeking my own self up. She called it catastrophic thinking. It is when you just keep think about and issue, ruminating about it, harping on how pissed you are at the issue or person, and running scenarios and rebuttals and the like over a period of time. It doesn’t have to be a long time. So when you do get into the situation, you are quick to anger. Quite often your anger is irrational, leaving you to take simple comments as initiated confrontation, and compounding your anger. I agree with this assessment. I know that I do this to myself. I am actually horribly guilty of this. When I finally get in the situation I have bad anxiety and I’m ready to be condescending and will likely snap at the slightest perceived transgression. So anyways, she is getting me some materials on the subject together for next week’s appointment for me to take home with me. I guess there are techniques to defuse this catastrophic thinking before it leads to anger and emotional instability.

Did quite a bit of IM’ing with Ash-wife and the kids. She was very open in our conversation. It was a lot more personal than the earlier e-mails. The live human element added to our openness and healing as a couple.

Thurs, 18th – Day 10

I went to see my P-doc. He lowered my Resperdal in half. His goal is to totally eliminate it because he says that it is merely a duplicate of my Seroquel and isn’t really needed. I saw him for 15 min. It was a 2 hr drive there and 2 hrs back. My new goal: find someone closer.

I went to Walmart and bought the kids some things, myself a surround sound system, and an impulse item – half a dozen roses for ash-wife. I call Ash-boy on my way into town and told him to be ready to get the gifts when I stop out front.

Soon as I get home the phone was ringing. It was Ash-wife personally on the phone. This, as you are well aware, was my first communication with her without an intermediary. She thanked me for my generosity and for thinking of her. We talked for 25 min or so. I put on my best “good guy” charm. It was sincere fully. I talked about my treatment and how it might be a while before any real solid results. I told her, hell it was going to be another week before we even would see each other again. I mentioned her coming home with the kids on multiple occasions, with the promise of being on my best behavior while getting better. She said she’d think about it.

Fri, 19’th – day 11

I stayed up all night Thurs with my Bro playing internet poker. I finally took my Seroquel at 9am and ended up falling asleep at 10:30. I awoke to the front door opening at 4pm and Ash-wife standing at the foot of my bed. We had a heart-to-heart as Ash-boy was sent to bring all of their stuff back into the house from the SUV.

I WILL treat them better. I WILL remain calm as I get help with my illness. We both realize that I will get upset at times because it is the very nature of the beast. I am sick. But I will put forth every effort that I can to be a good father and huband.

Thanks everyone for all of your support through this moment in time as I stood at a main crossroad in my life. I have been blessed to traverse the path that I have asked for. Now let’s see where it leads. Wish me luck.

Meds Are Kicking In

Good News – not that good news, but it’s getting there.

We have been conversing via e-mail somewhat. She still loves me and plans, I think, to come back to me. She just wants me to get myself and anger under control. She actually thinks that she is my trigger. I don’t agree, but who knows? Anyways, we are getting along and she hasn’t given up on me – yet.

I went down and took my psych/business exam. I think I did well. The one section that I am worried about is English. I suck at English. I sure hope a squeaked it out. I will be devastated if I fail and have to take it again and go on academic review. Please no. But on a positive note, I got my ass out of bed. I actually tried to talk myself out going. The lady said that Mondays were quiet days without much traffic. I started throwing that around in my procrastinator’s gray matter and it almost stagnated my progress. But in the end I went in and took it.

As an aside – don’t you just fucking hate when people try to include you in their conversation without you being necessarily in it. Sorry for the excessively drawn-out, yet vague question. Ex: I’m trying to take my exam and in walks these two high school chicks. I’m sitting in an out-of-the-way spot with only 2 tables. The rest of the library is pretty much empty, yet they come over and sit at the table adjacent to mine. They immediately start talking loud for my benefit, seemingly oblivious to the teetering mound of course books and other notebooks littering my table. They start talking all big and were peeking to see if I was getting all the “Grown-up” talk; I noticed through my peripheral. They started talking about the cool stuff they do like drinking and smoking and going out with guys – all for my benefit. Like I really give a shit. I hate that crap. It is usually young people that want the crowd to hear of their grown-up exploits. Also kids like to do this while waiting in the line at stores. I only had to suffer through this for a ½ hr, because I finished, just as the librarian noticed the girls and came over to shoo them away. I stood up and said, “I’m done let the young ‘women’ stay there.” They blushed and I left.

The message that I left with my P-doc last Thurs apparently didn’t fall on deaf ears, because I got a call yesterday saying that they hooked me up with a T-doc that comes into town 3 days a week. She called me back and we set up an appointment for tomorrow. So I am pretty nervous. I will get though it.

We started IM’ing a little tonight and talked a lot and that was nice. She initiated it the conversation. She is going to come over and take care of the bills while I’m at my P-doc’s on Thurs. I hate bills. Good to talk live though.

Well I need some sleep and the Seroquel is kicking in. Night all.

“You Hear Jimmy, You Just Can’t Hear Jimmy!”

I’m turning into a girl – my genitals are shrinking and my breasts are enlarging. Jokin’. Just being goofy. But lyrics to songs used to just flow between my ears without much retention, yet now songs that I’ve heard merely the beat to, have opened up to reveal greater more detailed meaning. So many love songs, so little time. Damn, I’m a punk. That’s not being negative, that’s my ego, and he’s Tuff.

I feel good today. I’m getting manic – it feels good. I shall breathe it in while it lasts.

It’s round 2 and the question is worth the prized toaster oven emblazoned with my smiling visage. (Worth lots I tell ya.) Name from whence that quotation came?

Later, Ash out.

Day 6 and a Heartfelt E-mail

Psychology/business exam tomorrow. I probably won’t sleep much tonight even with 300mg of Seroquel. I think I am becoming somewhat immune. My mind is swimming. I have a lot to wade through currently. School, work, and the big one: personal life. School and work can fuckoff. Other than the fact that I want to pass the exam. I don’t really show that fact by my anti-studiousness towards my courses. I just know that I will hate myself if I fail.

The kids came over today. I just couldn’t get up. I was hung over and utter depressed this morning. I did go in the living room where I remained in a catatonic stupor for the first few hours of there multi-visits. (Grandma lives 2 blocks over.) It didn’t affect my children much, as they played out in the back yard mostly. When they were inside, they lived on the computer watching Naruto vids and spoofs on You-tube and other sites that they frequent. Finally we all sat together and laughed while we watched Spongebob and Patrick’s lunacy.

When they left I called over to the in-laws’ house, but Ash-wife said through my son, the intermediary, that she wasn’t ready to physically talk to me, yet would converse via letters or e-mails. The boy called a short time later and said that she sent me an e-mail. She keeps telling me to find myself and love myself so I can give them the love that they deserve. I don’t quite understand these statements. I will print my reply at the conclusion of the post. I would appreciate some feedback here from everyone that is willing. Your honest opinions. Mom your non-bipolar thoughts would be helpful, because you see through her eyes somewhat. Am I irrational guys to think that now is when I need her with me more than ever? 14 years she has put up with my swinging ass and now when I’m right on the cusp of getting a handle on this evil disorder, her, my one strength giving me stability, has left me to my own vices.

My mom then came over while my dad went to church to preach Sunday night service. She acted as though I was some fragile egg that must be coddled. I hate that shit. Let me fucking have it. And as mom usually does at some point, she kicked out the God talk. I told her to leave it be and she did. Sorry church goers, though I respect you, you must respect my decisions also. Me and God just haven’t seen eye-to-eye for a long time. Although my dad is now a preacher, I didn’t grow up a PK. Actually while I was in my vulnerable learning years my father was at times a biker and a drug dealer, yet always an utter asshole that treated my sister, mom, and I all like shit not even worthy for his boot sole. Now that he has changed somewhat he thinks that I should somehow be able forget those years where I meant shit. He made me hate God because he took him in. That is one reason why I feel so bad about how I treat my children. Although I didn’t often spank them while they growing up, the mental abuse wasn’t good. They would often come to me for affection and I would be in manic mode and scream in their little faces like they were shit. I am deeply ashamed at my actions. I was evil and sometimes I still am. Though I have my screaming spells, my current form of mental abuse towards my whole family is my distance. I often live in my own little world and exclude them from my existence. I don’t do this on purpose either, but I know it hurts them as much as my occasional hollering. It was getting to the point that I would sleep all day, then eat in bed, shower, and leave for work. No interaction with dad and husband. How long would anyone be able to put up with that? But truly I think therapy will give me a new lease on life. I will be the Ash that they love, whom has shown up less frequently as of late. But it is going to be a process.

I now leave you with my e-mailed response.

I do not understand what you're saying. How can I show you and the kids the love that you need if I can't see you? I miss you and the kids badly. What is it that you are waiting for in my life? I will likely never love myself; it is part of my disability. The only thing I know for sure is that I love you and I will try anything that this world has to offer that could help me treat you guys right. I don't get angry on purpose. I don’t act distant and hide in my own world on purpose. I don’t mean to neglect my family. I do love you guys; I have trouble expressing that love and affection. I have trouble telling you my feelings because I am a man and am insecure about my shortcomings. A husband is supposed to be strong and protect his family. It hurts me deeply that I am the one that you need to be protected from. I often stay away physically sometimes because I know that I am manic and will be aggravated easily. I am sorry. With therapy I feel that I can treat you all right and be there for you emotionally like a normal family.

This is going to be a process for me to get better. I can't lie to you and say that I will never yell again in my life. I just can't; it is part of my disability. What I can do is get therapy to help me learn to quell the beast inside me. I did not mean to hit you with that handle in the leg. I was having a fit like a fucking little 2 year old and I threw it. But I know it is not the intent, it is the result that counts. I am sorry. I truly am. You don't deserve to be hit. I am not a physically abusive man. I sadly am a mentally abusive fuck. I am sorry for all the years you guys have had to deal with that. But remember that it isn’t because I don’t love you or care about you. It is my illness. I’m not making excuses here, it is the truth. I have been trying. I take my meds and get them tweaked every few months trying to stop these evil things about me. It’s not about fucking finding myself. I have found myself for 14 years and you are it. You keep me sane. You are the love of my life. I need you deeply. I am sorry that I can’t tell you these things daily, but believe me I love you whole-heartedly.

I think you are a very strong woman; for you to put your kids ahead of your feelings for me is something that my mom never had the heart to do. Once again I can't say that I will never snap and yell and throw a tantrum. I can get treatment. I thought that my Psyciatrist was giving me therapy, but as we now know he was just asking how I was doing so he could change my meds. The meds have suppressed my evil streak, but I think only psychoanalysis with a therapist will have the right effect, and make me the Ash you and the kids deserve. But you must understand that therapy is also a life-long procedure. It might take months before I am totally stable. What you need to decide is if you want to come home and support and help me through this tough time or if you want me to try by myself. I truly don't think me sitting in a house lonely and depressed is really the best way from me to get through this. But I will accept your decision. But I will say this. I will try my very best to treat you right while I get my meds changed again and go through therapy if you guys come home. I will try to leave the room if we argue. I will try to talk and smile and be a part of the family daily. These things will be hard for me, yet I promise to give it my best. I love you.

I will never be whole with you not in my life. I need you. The house seems so large. Your tough love is killing me. But I know you are trying to help me and at the same time protect the kids. But honestly I don't know how long it will take before therapy will give you your Ash, but I think you should come home to me and support me through this. I love you guys and will except your decision. But if you aren't coming home until I do something specific, you should let me know what that thing is so I can work towards that goal so I can get you guys back as soon as possible.

Let me know. I miss you.