Tuesday, November 6, 2007
How I Lost God – Which Turned Into a Long-Condensed Story of My Dysfunctional Life: Part 7
When school started back up I got right back into the bad clique. Then mid-way on during that 2nd 7th grade year came my last times in that house and town. I occasionally came home on the weekends to visit my parents after that. It was a Friday and I was going to stay at a friend’s house that weekend. My parents were going to be out of town all week-end on some church function so they dropped me off a carton of cigs at school. The office personnel confiscated them and the Vice Principle told me that I couldn’t have them back and put them in his desk. My friend, whom I was staying with that weekend, and a pseudo-friend, and I, all concocted a plan to get them back. Oh it was a great idea, I tell yea. We decided to skip the next class and pull the fire alarm and while everyone was outside we would infiltrate to front office and collect the goods. And I was supposed to have a high IQ; ha! Anyways we wait until everyone went into class and the 2nd bell rang and then we went into a stairwell and fought over who was going to do it. I was smart enough to know that I wasn’t pulling the damned thing. I don’t even remember much about this kid other than his name was Richard and that I had partied with him on occasion. I really don’t even know why this kid wanted to be a part of it other than he was always in trouble; he was known in our clique for calling in a few bomb threats to get out of school for the day, yet was never caught. He no more than pulled down the red handle and a myriad kids come storming down the stairwell. We immediately lost our nerve and filed right in with the closest class. When they called the all clear, we knew we couldn’t go back to a class mid-way. So we cheesed it and skipped the rest of the day. Bright and early Monday morning in 1st period we were all summoned via the P.A. to come to the front office. I knew the jig was up, but wasn’t going to cooperate. We 3 all sat staring at each other in the office with dread on our faces as we were called one by one before the Principle. Richard went first. When he came out he smiled at me proudly and strutted to his seat, presumably waiting for his parents to come pick him up. I soon found out why he was so flamboyant when he came out. I went in and was told that they knew we did it. And that we were the only kids in the entire school, which were in class before the incident, but not on the roll for the next class. Plus, he said that the fire alarm that was pulled was in the stair well right beside our hall. I didn’t crack; I played dumb. He then tells me that Richard had already told them the whole contrivance and then commenced to tell me the whole scenario. I was shocked at the kid’s stupidity. He even confessed to pulling the alarm. They knew, but couldn’t have proved it. He said that pulling it was a federal offense or some shit. He then told me to go outside and take a seat. Marty and I were expelled from school and Richard, who also had a bag of weed on him, was arrested and set away to a juvenile detention center. I never saw either one again. I had to walk the miles home and break in a window to get into the house and stayed there by myself for the weekend, because my parents were long gone. I was then sent the next week to live with my alcoholic uncle so I could go to school the remainder of the year. I had to sit with the Principle and get a speech that she didn’t have to let me in her school and that I had to prove to her that I was deserving. He loved me and usually treated me with respect, but life there was horrible. Him and his wife constantly fought over his alcohol abuse, while I comforted my little cousin daily. They left multiple times during my 5 months there. I always felt sorry for them and I was glad when she finally found the strength to leave for good to a better life that her and my little cousin deserved. It was a small school and I was very popular there as soon as I started. I was always popular at schools; kids envy funny delinquents for some dumb reason or another. I finally ended up getting suspended for the last week of school and my uncle and I had a falling out. He punched me, when in defense of his remarks about my parents, which were actually true, I called him a worthless drunk that had run his family off and ruined his own life. I moved back home, which was now in another city, where my parents were living in campus housing, due to my father having taken the call and was going to seminary to become a preacher. They had given my Lab back to the college kid when they moved because dogs weren’t allowed. My sister lived off and on with us, preferring for the most part to live with some of my more loving relatives in exchange for being an in-house nanny to there billion-and-one children. She was better off there anyways, at least she always felt loved with them, as her and my father never got over the fact that she was a stepchild, even though he had raised her from infancy. She had lived off and on with them throughout her whole upbringing. I never knew that she was my half-sister until I was 13 and her dad came to visit her for the only time in her life. I do remember corrupting a group of resident churchy kids on campus whom where sadly weak enough to try to follow my great example that summer. I met them all at the on-campus recreation center. Some of these kids didn’t even have TV’s in their homes, due to their parents’ overzealous religious dogmas, so you know they weren’t mentally ready to cope and withstand my rebellious influence. I quickly got a bad reputation on campus and most weren’t allowed even near me. My parents were real impressed. I also got banned from the Rec Center that summer. I started 8th grade in that city’s middle school. I instantly turned to the darkside, which turned into another period of debauchery continuing with the drugs, drinking, sex, skipping, suspensions, and within a mere 3 months, another expulsion from yet another school district. Shit I don’t even remember why I got thrown out for good; it wasn’t from just one incident I know that much. I remember skipping school once and doing acid and guzzling a 5th of Crown Royal and somehow ending up back at home that afternoon with my favorite pair of shoplifted, designer, baggy jeans ripped all the way down one leg. I never did acid again, it did too well messing with my then unknown bipolar mental wiring. Actually no drugs did well, but I continued to do the others, but mostly stayed with just pot after that. If I got real messed-up I usually ended up being that guy at the party that everyone wondered who had brought that crazy motherfucker there. Sickly, I soon learned to regulate my drug usage just enough to not hit that point. Man, are kids resilient!
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Weight Update
I am pretty happy at the moment with my diet. Though I will never get back to my weight that I was for my last and last fight. (155lbs.) Honestly I don’t want to ever be that light again anyways. I still have a slight belly, but I’m happy. I do have some red stretch marks that I am self-conscious of, because I gained that 61lbs in about 9 months, swelling quicker than my skin could acclimate. It was like I was pregnant without the kicking, fluttering, morning sickness, and cravings for pickles and ice cream. The guys never threw me a shower either. Inconsiderate bastards! Hell, I don’t think most women gain that much during pregnancy? Courtesy of Depakote and Seroquel. Anyway, I currently weigh-in at 182lbs. That’s 34lbs. And still no exercise. LOL.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
How I Lost God – Which Turned Into a Long-Condensed Story of My Dysfunctional Life: Part 6
Back at school I got kicked out often and lived in in-school suspension when I was actually at school, so even while at school I wasn’t normally in my regular classes. This is when my father found God and became a Christian. He tried to change at this time and become a nicer person, but by this time I was hardly ever home anyways, and was already set on the bad path that I had steered down. I always thought seeing him at church was weird; it just felt wrong. He would and still does, cry and get wobbly-voiced when preaching on some subjects or telling his testimony. I always felt like he was faking it. He never showed a tear when he was treating us badly as kids, not even coming in and apologizing after the fact. They made me go to church and join a youth group. I was a very bad influence on those weak-welled impressionable young teens. They were only good when around other Christian kids and throwing me in there definitely wasn’t spiritually healthy for them. I brought out the worst in the weak ones. I always fought to not go and finally my parents realized that forcing me wasn’t going to get me into the Kingdom, so they gave in and let me stop going. I was still made to go on Sundays and occasionally on Wednesdays. During spring break Rick and I lived at the mall. We ended up stealing a car and getting caught. We never even made it out of the parking lot, because like dumbasses we just kept driving around the lot. The guy didn’t want to press charges and we were released to his mom and one of my uncles, who was going out with Rick’s mom at the time. He was my youngest uncle and still in his twenties at the time so he was pretty cool about it. He gave us a 3 hr lecture that night while steadily getting drunker, thus repeating his self over and over. He never told my parents. Rick moved away and I started hanging around with high-schoolers more, who had cars and I got drunk and high for the first time. My first time, most of us did the ole “everyone is spending the night at everyone else’s’ house trick” and stayed out and got wasted. I was supposed to stay with this one kid because mom didn’t have a curfew for him. I threw-up all over myself and the front-seat of his truck. They made me get in the back of the truck, during winter, for the ½ hr ride and dropped me off drunk at my house, saying that he wasn’t letting me get him in trouble with his mom. I remember slipping in and out of consciousness and mumbling how cold I was, drunkenly over and over between chattering teeth, with frozen snot and vomit on my newly-sprouted, extremely thin mustache. I still recall them dropping me off in the road in front of my home that night at 2:30 am and beating on the door. Nice true friends there. I didn’t care about getting in trouble at that point; I was cold and I was mad. I staggered past my mom when she opened the door, yelling, “fuck them motherfuckers,” and b-lined into my room and slammed the door behind me. I didn’t cuss in front of them before that. Not those words anyways. My dad always cussed profusely before the whole reborn thing, but I can still probably count on one hand how many times I heard my mom cuss – and even then I never heard the F-word. I do remember, even though I was 4, my mom cussing tons and screaming the night she found out my dad cheated – but hey, I’ll be magnanimous and give her that day free. A few seconds later my dad swung open the door and turned on the light. He yelled, “what is it dope, blow, hash, smack, reefer,” and a plethora of other common drug terms that he knew so well. I told him to leave me the fuck alone and we would discuss my punishment in the morning and to turn the fucking light off. He must have been in total shock because I figured that he was going to beat the shit out of my near-comatose body, because before that I had never dared cuss at him. But instead he quietly shut my door. I was never home after that and my dad later on in life told me that he knew everything that I was doing, but he felt like a hypocrite and just let me spiral down because he felt helpless to stop it. I failed again that year because I was never at school from either skipping or suspension. A black family moved in a few houses down and they had like 7 kids. Robert was my age and Duck, was 2 years older and we because fast friends. We all smoked. They smoked Newports and I smoked Marlboros. God, did I hate when I ran out and had to bum one of the strong menthols. I stayed around the house that summer and hung with my new friends, especially Robert, which kept me out of trouble during those 3 months. It was a great summer. The Play Station had come out that last Christmas and we played Super Mario Bros. and Double Dribble for countless hrs. They also taught me to play cutthroat “21” on my old basketball goal with no net that hung on a tree in my side yard; we played a lot of hoop that summer. I think Duck maybe won 90% of the time. Duck also taught Robert and I how to play cards. He played some weird versions: Hearts, Spades, and different poker games, usually with wilds cards, In-between, and a game called Tonk. I don’t even remember the rules to that last one. That’s when I found my love of cards, other than loving to watch my grown-up relatives play poker at get-togethers. Sometimes they would let me sit on their laps and put the money in the pot when I was younger. I guess I can give him props for my poker hobby. No one in their whole family knew how to swim, but Robert always wanted to go get in the water. There was a pond on Rick’s old property and they had dumped a ton of sand on one shore making a beach with a sandy bottom in that part of the pond. Perfect place to swim in the hot, hot NC summer sun. Duck never went, but Robert and his slightly younger brother always did. It was so funny; they would get in about 3 feet of water and splash around. I ended up teaching them both to swim that summer. My dog, a black lab, would always go with us. It was already trained when I got it after frisky died. My dad got it from a guy whose kid went off to college and couldn’t take care of it. I saved James’ life that summer in that same pond. You would think if you couldn’t swim you wouldn’t walk out up to your neck on a sandy bottomed pond. I didn’t have to do CPR or anything. I just had to swim out and bring him back in. He almost drowned me by thrashing around while I was pulling him in to the shallows. He did swallow a lot of water though.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Current Mood Music - Tired Twisted Gray-Matter
Metallica - SANITARIUM
Pappy Roach - Last Resort
Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
Pappy Roach - Last Resort
Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
Monday, October 29, 2007
Afraid and Alone
OK, I’m totally fucking frazzled. I am currently stressed right the fuck out. For the last 6 months or so I have not been stressed at my job. I confronted my boss back then in front of his/our boss and told how I was treated, how my job was threatened, and how he would cuss and scream in my face. I told them that they say that I am the best sup that they have, so why would he feel the need to treat me that way. I told them that I demanded to be treated with respect. After that meeting my boss didn’t mess with and bully me any longer. Our relationship changed for the better; he just asked me to do something nicely and I would do it. No unneeded tension and I would continue to do a good job, but with less undue stress and to my job and life. I explained that with my disorder I just could deal with the treatment. And through consoling I gained some tools to keep me from ruminating about issues. That was the key to controlling my anger, because I wouldn’t have already thought about minor issues incessantly and get livid over them and soon as the confrontation or meeting would occur I wouldn’t already have endorphins ready to fuel my rage. Well, mister rumination has reared his ugly head again in the last 2 days. I am in full-blown bipolar mania mode. Paranoia and conspiracy theories have dominated my every thought. Now it is time for some background info and the incidents and why I am so worried.
I get a call on my days off from my boss and I’m told that during my last night at work that there was some bad product (board) made and my guys blatantly just didn’t pull (downgrade) those boards and just packaged them up to send out to consumers of our product. He continues to tell me that the next 2 shifts’ personnel (which were 2 different crews) also just said fuck-it and didn’t pull the bad boards either. He told me that they couldn’t get a hold of my guys and that he needed me to keep calling and let them know that they needed to come in the next day on their day off and go back through all that board and pull the bad product. He said that there was a huge meeting to discuss the meeting at 9 am my first day back with everyone directly and indirectly involved in the incident. He said it doesn’t look good and Kurt (Plant Manager) was on the edge. The stress started and ensued for the remainder of my days off.
Here is the underlying issue. In the last 2 months 4 separate major quality issues have happened. A lot of downgrade has been incurred. All of these problems have occurred on the other 2 crews. (A and C Crew) But Kurt has had to answer for all of these to cooperate. With the housing market in the shitter and us being down for production curtailment at least 2 weeks out of every 2 months this year, that we need to produce efficiently when we are up and running. Dave and I (B and D Crew respectively) haven’t had a Quality issue in a year and a half to 2 years. A and C have had tons. After a 2 hr meeting with the hourly workers they left. We 3 Sups, a Relief Sup, the Technical Director (QC Superintendent), the Quality Control Leadman, the Finish End Superintendent, the Plant Superintendent, and the Plant Manager all stayed around to discuss the meeting and the disciplinary measures that in to happen. This management meeting lasted 2 more hours. We talked for a while and then my boss asked me what I thought the discipline should be for these people and then he was going to go around the table and ask everyone else’s opinion. I said that I felt that the meeting that we just had would be good enough and that we as Sups should go back and sit with each individual on our respective crews and reiterate everything that we discussed in the meeting and what we expected of them from then on. He wanted everyone written-up and the disciplinary report go into his or her permanent files. If you get too much negative documentation in your file your employment is terminated. Believe me I know. I said that if it was only one person, that that person made a conscious decision to not do their work or if it was one person that they all got together and decided to not do their jobs. But with it being 15 people over 3 different crews that there has to be some underlying issue at work. I said that they are obviously guilty for not caring but that we needed to look at the big picture here. That the current moral in the mill is very negative with all the hourly workers being laid off every month or so. That everyone is worried about their job security and that we had already lost a handful of people looking for different jobs. I stated that in my opinion that if you wrote-up that many people would perpetuate that moral issue and that we might lose more workers. He didn’t like my opinion and commenced to direct a long rant at me, looking at just me. I told him that I didn’t start this conversation; that I was asked my opinion; and that it wasn’t my fault that he didn’t agree with it. That kind’a pissed him off a bit. The two other Sups wanted write-ups of some sort but didn’t want the negative repercussions that would come from it. One guy would lose a worker because he was on his last leg, but at the same time he didn’t want to keep dealing with his ineptitude. Amazingly my boss agreed with my idea. When it was Kurt’s turn he said that he couldn’t just keep explaining these things to corporate. I understand his concern. He kind’a rolled everyone’s ideas into one and added to it. He said that we should write-up a performance agreement with all involved with some generic statement about what occurred and what we expect of them. He then stated that us Sups should also get one to improve moral. He said that if our guys knew that we got reprimanded for their actions, they would rally to us and do a better job to keep us out of trouble. I said hell no and that was crap. Everyone backed me on that issue. I stated what him and the rest already knew, that I was working on an issue all night and that none of my guys informed me of the bad product, so how could I be held accountable for that. After a long discussion we all decided that my boss and my idea would be best for the big picture. When he got up to leave the meeting he stopped at the door and stated talking about how to explain to corporate that no one was disciple for this blatant act. The QC Leadman and I both said that this meeting and the sit-down with the employees was discipline. He said no what we are going to is write-up a performance agreement with those employees. He didn’t mention writing us up. He left. I said to everyone at the meeting that if he was going to micro manage and do what he wanted anyways why did he waste 2 hrs of our life and take the time to ask us our opinions. All agreed with my statement and said talked about him always treating us like that. Our boss told us to start writing up these agreements. My boss comes by my office later and says that he had talked to Kurt later that morning and he made it sound like he changed his mind again and would likely make us forget about the performance agreement and go ahead and write the all up.
The next morning he came in and said that Kurt had pulled him into his office when he got there and said that they would get written up and that we would also. I was instantly pissed. I told JD (my boss) that it was unfair. That I didn’t know shit about the problem. I then stated A and C had tons of quality issues over the last 2 years and this was Dave and my first problem and how could we get written-up for our first issue when the other 2 Sups had never gotten wrote-up over any of their issues over the 2 years. He said that he agreed but his hands were tied. I told him, which he already was aware of, that I was on my last leg also and with this documentation I possibly could lose my job. He said that he understands and that he was thinking the same thing, but didn’t think that would happen. I fumed all day, totally stressed, until I got a call by JD to come to his office. The Finish End Sup and he were sitting in there when I got there. They informed me that I had possibly been making bad board since 9:30 that morning and that it was out of specs and that the QC Leadman was currently going through them to see how my were bad before they told Kurt the bad news. We waited for his call as we discussed the fact that Kurt was going to snap since he had just had the meeting the day prior and that my QC Tech was pretty much fucked and would likely lose his job. It turned out to be 28 units between that time-span the first one was thick as was the last when it was caught. These units luckily are salvageable with some rework due to the lap being thick. We can run them back through the lap saw and shave them down to the right thickness. While on the FE looking into the issue I dropped by the Lab to talk to the Leadman. I told him what I was told by JD about us getting wrote-up and why I felt is was BS. He told me that he was starting to really worry about his job because it just kept happening. He told me that being the Leadman that he had all the Quality data and would compile all the data about A and C Crew’s quality issues and put it in my in box so I would have hard facts when Dave and I fought our write-ups when our HR manager gets back in town. Soon I got a call to go up front to the conference room. I walked in and my boss, the FE Sup, QC Director and Leadman, and Kurt were waiting for me. We started going over the issue and discussed that it was possibly sabotage. A and C Crew are very disgruntled at the moment because they have been getting written-up for some of these other problems. My Tech caught one of their fuck-ups and in the ensuing meeting they said that they thought B and D Techs were conspiring against them and trying to get them in trouble and also sabotaging them. Well C Crew’s tech was the one that messed up the 4 out of the last 5 times among others, but he was the root cause of the out-of-spec product. He stepped-down to a low-rung day laborer. He has been quite vocal around the mill that he was pressured out of his position and unfairly treated. He is a very vindictive person, has spent time in prison, and has done some bad things in the past at work, and has the mentality to sabotage if he can get away with it. I hope it isn’t the case, but he knows how to change the specs. And he and the A crew tech were both working that day going through the previous bad units. Plus, here’s the clincher; they were the ones that found the problem. Well, it was Friday and all of management was going to be off for the weekend. So Monday they will go through 5 consecutive units at the time he said that he did his checks. If they find any good board at that time he could have checked one of those boards and likely shouldn’t get in too much trouble. If they find some good units and then they get bad we have a whole new set of problems, because there might be some sabotage going on in the mill. I hope for my Tech’s sake that they find at least some good board. Now here is where I might have pissed my boss off. He says to me that he doesn’t know if he can trust my tech at this time because we currently don’t know if it was him that messed-up, so he wants me to “shadow” him over the weekend. I said hold-on a minute and what exactly are they asking of me. Do they want me to make sure that he is doing his checks at the right times or do they want the to put a tape measure and micrometer in my hands and actually double-check all of his measurements. The 2 QC people stepped-up and said that yes that would make them feel better while they are gone for the weekend. I said that I didn’t mind doing my job and give him some extra supervision over the weekend so we all know he is doing his checks, but I wouldn’t check his numbers because that isn’t my job. Kurt asks me what exactly am I trying to say. I said that my job is to supervise not do people’s work for them. I said what if the numbers over the weekend end up out-of-specs, who is going to be held accountable for that? I am, that’s who, I said. I told them that I didn’t need anymore stress in my job or responsibility or accountability. I said that I should have the exact same responsibilities as all 3 other Sup’s. I said that my Tech has done his job for 5 years now and that he is certified to do his job, but I would keep a close eye on him for the weekend. I said, but come next week, anything that you expect out of me, that the other Sup’s better have the same responsibilities because we all have the same job descriptions or otherwise it is discrimination. The meeting pretty much ended right there or real so after. The QC lead and I were told that we could leave. Craig told me that he was sorry for suggesting it outside.
OK, here are the issues that are swimming through my head and stressing me the fuck out. I am on my last leg. My Boss and Kurt repeatedly tell me that I am the best Sup that we have and I meet all my goals every year and no one has ever been hurt in my 5 years running my crew. But, I always have one negative comment every year though. Ash has a problem with professional communication, especially with management. And I admit that I did. I used to just snap in meetings and get red-faced and yell and argue and overall just be a dumbass. Kurt would say that I usually was right or at least had valid points; it was just the way that I expressed those points. I couldn’t help myself sometimes. I now know it was when I was having an episode. Once I was put back on days as a relief Sup for 8 months or so after one of my outbursts, because they said that I was likely stressed due to production concerns, because most of my outbursts were due to downtime issues that I felt I shouldn’t have incurred for whatever reason. Almost losing my job due to my then unknown mental illness and the anger and extreme paranoia is why I originally went to my Dr and asked for happy pills. He gave me anti-depressants, which we later found out was making me more depressed likely. He told me that he wanted me to see a psychiatrist and I said hell no, I’m not crazy dude; I just have an anger problem. Later on I did it again because I couldn’t help myself and almost lost my job again. They told me that they already had enough documentation to but they wanted to work with because I am good at what I do and that my people highly value and respect me. When they put me back on days most of the crew went up front together and said that they didn’t want to lose me as their Sup. Sadly, they said that I did get upset sometimes, but knew when I was in a bad mood and stayed away. Sadly, because people had to walk on egg-shells around me at times, not because they said it. They said that they couldn’t continue to let me act the way that I did and they were going to give me one more chance. I then realized that my meds just weren’t doing it for me so swallowed my pride to support my family, and I called my Dr and asked him to set me up with a shrink. He immediately diagnosed me and started my meds. It has been a long road with my meds. I had to take sick leave twice in the last 2 years for a week or so each time because my meds just weren’t stabilizing me. So basically I have to watch everything that I say now, because I am under a microscope and constant scrutiny. If my comments pissed him off he might try to take my job. I wasn’t argumentative and never raised my voice; I just stated my opinions on what I felt was unfair and biased responsibilities being added to my job. I honestly can’t take the added stress and if all other sups don’t share in my added accountabilities it is in my opinion, unfair and discrimination. C-crew had the same exact thick lap issue a month ago and his Sup was never asked to mic his boards. Because I was once a QC Tech doesn’t give them the right to add it to my job title. I haven’t worked in the lab in 7 years now; I am no longer certified to do those tasks. Anyway I am very worried that he didn’t like me making demands and probably not in front of others. Maybe he will take it as a slight to his authority, because he is like that. It is all about his image.
Here’s some of my conspiracy theories that have been plaguing my thoughts. I was recently offered a job by Kurt. It is like a project manager who uses Lean Six Sigma theory to perform cost saving projects by reducing bottle necks in systems and processes. It is a temporary position lasting 2 to 3 years. It is a gateway job which opens the door to getting high paying corporate positions. He said that who he replaced his current Black Belt with reflects totally on him. He said that only a very few people in the mill had the requirements to perform the tasks of this job. He said that I was likely the smartest person at the mill and had the necessary intellect and skill to perform this job. I talked with him about the position. I would have to travel a lot for training and seminars and giving presentations before small and large groups, and ultimately have to move after 2 or 3 years to Nashville at Corp Headquarters or some other place. I told him that I really appreciated his comments and his faith in my skills and that they were very uplifting and humbling. But I was honest with him and told him that my kids were already established in school here and my wife’s mother was ill and that I couldn’t see her leaving her, so I doubt that I would take the position and uproot my family. I told him that maybe I would take it the next time it opened up in a few years. He told that he had a very short list of other potentials to look at and for me not to make any steadfast decisions yet and just think about it, talk it over with my family, talk it over with Joe (current Black Belt), and get back him at a later date. My life and I decided not to take the offer so I never talked to Joe. I started also to see through the lines here and figured that Joe wanted to stay in town and if a salary job opened up he would have to relocate. Joe is also related in some fashion to Kurt. A week later while checking my mail in the front office he saw me and called me into his office. He tells me that he had decided that I was the one for the job and had I given it any more thought. I once again told him that I didn’t think it was in my current life plan. He said that he was afraid that he had alluded to the fact that I could just patiently wait around to take the job next time. He goes into how our business is doing poorly and that there is no guaranty how long our mill would be around. He goes on to say that the more skills that I have the more options I would have available to me. He tells me that he knew that I hadn’t talked with Joe yet and both of them thought I was a perfect fit for the job. I bet he did! He told me to talk with Joe and my family again and rethink it. Joe came to my office the next day or so and hung-out until everyone left and we talked about it. I didn’t even ask him what he does because I already had a pretty good idea, so instead I told him why I didn’t want the job. He told me that he was feeling the same way. That he was single when he took the job, but now he had a wife and a baby and that he didn’t want to leave the area. He left and I haven’t talked to Kurt about it in the month since.
These are the tumultuous thoughts that are currently scrambling my brain. I have a little paranoid conspiracy theorist gremlin living in my head and he won’t leave me alone. I hope that I don’t have to post that I lost my job in the next few days. We will see.
Later, spazzing Ash out…
I get a call on my days off from my boss and I’m told that during my last night at work that there was some bad product (board) made and my guys blatantly just didn’t pull (downgrade) those boards and just packaged them up to send out to consumers of our product. He continues to tell me that the next 2 shifts’ personnel (which were 2 different crews) also just said fuck-it and didn’t pull the bad boards either. He told me that they couldn’t get a hold of my guys and that he needed me to keep calling and let them know that they needed to come in the next day on their day off and go back through all that board and pull the bad product. He said that there was a huge meeting to discuss the meeting at 9 am my first day back with everyone directly and indirectly involved in the incident. He said it doesn’t look good and Kurt (Plant Manager) was on the edge. The stress started and ensued for the remainder of my days off.
Here is the underlying issue. In the last 2 months 4 separate major quality issues have happened. A lot of downgrade has been incurred. All of these problems have occurred on the other 2 crews. (A and C Crew) But Kurt has had to answer for all of these to cooperate. With the housing market in the shitter and us being down for production curtailment at least 2 weeks out of every 2 months this year, that we need to produce efficiently when we are up and running. Dave and I (B and D Crew respectively) haven’t had a Quality issue in a year and a half to 2 years. A and C have had tons. After a 2 hr meeting with the hourly workers they left. We 3 Sups, a Relief Sup, the Technical Director (QC Superintendent), the Quality Control Leadman, the Finish End Superintendent, the Plant Superintendent, and the Plant Manager all stayed around to discuss the meeting and the disciplinary measures that in to happen. This management meeting lasted 2 more hours. We talked for a while and then my boss asked me what I thought the discipline should be for these people and then he was going to go around the table and ask everyone else’s opinion. I said that I felt that the meeting that we just had would be good enough and that we as Sups should go back and sit with each individual on our respective crews and reiterate everything that we discussed in the meeting and what we expected of them from then on. He wanted everyone written-up and the disciplinary report go into his or her permanent files. If you get too much negative documentation in your file your employment is terminated. Believe me I know. I said that if it was only one person, that that person made a conscious decision to not do their work or if it was one person that they all got together and decided to not do their jobs. But with it being 15 people over 3 different crews that there has to be some underlying issue at work. I said that they are obviously guilty for not caring but that we needed to look at the big picture here. That the current moral in the mill is very negative with all the hourly workers being laid off every month or so. That everyone is worried about their job security and that we had already lost a handful of people looking for different jobs. I stated that in my opinion that if you wrote-up that many people would perpetuate that moral issue and that we might lose more workers. He didn’t like my opinion and commenced to direct a long rant at me, looking at just me. I told him that I didn’t start this conversation; that I was asked my opinion; and that it wasn’t my fault that he didn’t agree with it. That kind’a pissed him off a bit. The two other Sups wanted write-ups of some sort but didn’t want the negative repercussions that would come from it. One guy would lose a worker because he was on his last leg, but at the same time he didn’t want to keep dealing with his ineptitude. Amazingly my boss agreed with my idea. When it was Kurt’s turn he said that he couldn’t just keep explaining these things to corporate. I understand his concern. He kind’a rolled everyone’s ideas into one and added to it. He said that we should write-up a performance agreement with all involved with some generic statement about what occurred and what we expect of them. He then stated that us Sups should also get one to improve moral. He said that if our guys knew that we got reprimanded for their actions, they would rally to us and do a better job to keep us out of trouble. I said hell no and that was crap. Everyone backed me on that issue. I stated what him and the rest already knew, that I was working on an issue all night and that none of my guys informed me of the bad product, so how could I be held accountable for that. After a long discussion we all decided that my boss and my idea would be best for the big picture. When he got up to leave the meeting he stopped at the door and stated talking about how to explain to corporate that no one was disciple for this blatant act. The QC Leadman and I both said that this meeting and the sit-down with the employees was discipline. He said no what we are going to is write-up a performance agreement with those employees. He didn’t mention writing us up. He left. I said to everyone at the meeting that if he was going to micro manage and do what he wanted anyways why did he waste 2 hrs of our life and take the time to ask us our opinions. All agreed with my statement and said talked about him always treating us like that. Our boss told us to start writing up these agreements. My boss comes by my office later and says that he had talked to Kurt later that morning and he made it sound like he changed his mind again and would likely make us forget about the performance agreement and go ahead and write the all up.
The next morning he came in and said that Kurt had pulled him into his office when he got there and said that they would get written up and that we would also. I was instantly pissed. I told JD (my boss) that it was unfair. That I didn’t know shit about the problem. I then stated A and C had tons of quality issues over the last 2 years and this was Dave and my first problem and how could we get written-up for our first issue when the other 2 Sups had never gotten wrote-up over any of their issues over the 2 years. He said that he agreed but his hands were tied. I told him, which he already was aware of, that I was on my last leg also and with this documentation I possibly could lose my job. He said that he understands and that he was thinking the same thing, but didn’t think that would happen. I fumed all day, totally stressed, until I got a call by JD to come to his office. The Finish End Sup and he were sitting in there when I got there. They informed me that I had possibly been making bad board since 9:30 that morning and that it was out of specs and that the QC Leadman was currently going through them to see how my were bad before they told Kurt the bad news. We waited for his call as we discussed the fact that Kurt was going to snap since he had just had the meeting the day prior and that my QC Tech was pretty much fucked and would likely lose his job. It turned out to be 28 units between that time-span the first one was thick as was the last when it was caught. These units luckily are salvageable with some rework due to the lap being thick. We can run them back through the lap saw and shave them down to the right thickness. While on the FE looking into the issue I dropped by the Lab to talk to the Leadman. I told him what I was told by JD about us getting wrote-up and why I felt is was BS. He told me that he was starting to really worry about his job because it just kept happening. He told me that being the Leadman that he had all the Quality data and would compile all the data about A and C Crew’s quality issues and put it in my in box so I would have hard facts when Dave and I fought our write-ups when our HR manager gets back in town. Soon I got a call to go up front to the conference room. I walked in and my boss, the FE Sup, QC Director and Leadman, and Kurt were waiting for me. We started going over the issue and discussed that it was possibly sabotage. A and C Crew are very disgruntled at the moment because they have been getting written-up for some of these other problems. My Tech caught one of their fuck-ups and in the ensuing meeting they said that they thought B and D Techs were conspiring against them and trying to get them in trouble and also sabotaging them. Well C Crew’s tech was the one that messed up the 4 out of the last 5 times among others, but he was the root cause of the out-of-spec product. He stepped-down to a low-rung day laborer. He has been quite vocal around the mill that he was pressured out of his position and unfairly treated. He is a very vindictive person, has spent time in prison, and has done some bad things in the past at work, and has the mentality to sabotage if he can get away with it. I hope it isn’t the case, but he knows how to change the specs. And he and the A crew tech were both working that day going through the previous bad units. Plus, here’s the clincher; they were the ones that found the problem. Well, it was Friday and all of management was going to be off for the weekend. So Monday they will go through 5 consecutive units at the time he said that he did his checks. If they find any good board at that time he could have checked one of those boards and likely shouldn’t get in too much trouble. If they find some good units and then they get bad we have a whole new set of problems, because there might be some sabotage going on in the mill. I hope for my Tech’s sake that they find at least some good board. Now here is where I might have pissed my boss off. He says to me that he doesn’t know if he can trust my tech at this time because we currently don’t know if it was him that messed-up, so he wants me to “shadow” him over the weekend. I said hold-on a minute and what exactly are they asking of me. Do they want me to make sure that he is doing his checks at the right times or do they want the to put a tape measure and micrometer in my hands and actually double-check all of his measurements. The 2 QC people stepped-up and said that yes that would make them feel better while they are gone for the weekend. I said that I didn’t mind doing my job and give him some extra supervision over the weekend so we all know he is doing his checks, but I wouldn’t check his numbers because that isn’t my job. Kurt asks me what exactly am I trying to say. I said that my job is to supervise not do people’s work for them. I said what if the numbers over the weekend end up out-of-specs, who is going to be held accountable for that? I am, that’s who, I said. I told them that I didn’t need anymore stress in my job or responsibility or accountability. I said that I should have the exact same responsibilities as all 3 other Sup’s. I said that my Tech has done his job for 5 years now and that he is certified to do his job, but I would keep a close eye on him for the weekend. I said, but come next week, anything that you expect out of me, that the other Sup’s better have the same responsibilities because we all have the same job descriptions or otherwise it is discrimination. The meeting pretty much ended right there or real so after. The QC lead and I were told that we could leave. Craig told me that he was sorry for suggesting it outside.
OK, here are the issues that are swimming through my head and stressing me the fuck out. I am on my last leg. My Boss and Kurt repeatedly tell me that I am the best Sup that we have and I meet all my goals every year and no one has ever been hurt in my 5 years running my crew. But, I always have one negative comment every year though. Ash has a problem with professional communication, especially with management. And I admit that I did. I used to just snap in meetings and get red-faced and yell and argue and overall just be a dumbass. Kurt would say that I usually was right or at least had valid points; it was just the way that I expressed those points. I couldn’t help myself sometimes. I now know it was when I was having an episode. Once I was put back on days as a relief Sup for 8 months or so after one of my outbursts, because they said that I was likely stressed due to production concerns, because most of my outbursts were due to downtime issues that I felt I shouldn’t have incurred for whatever reason. Almost losing my job due to my then unknown mental illness and the anger and extreme paranoia is why I originally went to my Dr and asked for happy pills. He gave me anti-depressants, which we later found out was making me more depressed likely. He told me that he wanted me to see a psychiatrist and I said hell no, I’m not crazy dude; I just have an anger problem. Later on I did it again because I couldn’t help myself and almost lost my job again. They told me that they already had enough documentation to but they wanted to work with because I am good at what I do and that my people highly value and respect me. When they put me back on days most of the crew went up front together and said that they didn’t want to lose me as their Sup. Sadly, they said that I did get upset sometimes, but knew when I was in a bad mood and stayed away. Sadly, because people had to walk on egg-shells around me at times, not because they said it. They said that they couldn’t continue to let me act the way that I did and they were going to give me one more chance. I then realized that my meds just weren’t doing it for me so swallowed my pride to support my family, and I called my Dr and asked him to set me up with a shrink. He immediately diagnosed me and started my meds. It has been a long road with my meds. I had to take sick leave twice in the last 2 years for a week or so each time because my meds just weren’t stabilizing me. So basically I have to watch everything that I say now, because I am under a microscope and constant scrutiny. If my comments pissed him off he might try to take my job. I wasn’t argumentative and never raised my voice; I just stated my opinions on what I felt was unfair and biased responsibilities being added to my job. I honestly can’t take the added stress and if all other sups don’t share in my added accountabilities it is in my opinion, unfair and discrimination. C-crew had the same exact thick lap issue a month ago and his Sup was never asked to mic his boards. Because I was once a QC Tech doesn’t give them the right to add it to my job title. I haven’t worked in the lab in 7 years now; I am no longer certified to do those tasks. Anyway I am very worried that he didn’t like me making demands and probably not in front of others. Maybe he will take it as a slight to his authority, because he is like that. It is all about his image.
Here’s some of my conspiracy theories that have been plaguing my thoughts. I was recently offered a job by Kurt. It is like a project manager who uses Lean Six Sigma theory to perform cost saving projects by reducing bottle necks in systems and processes. It is a temporary position lasting 2 to 3 years. It is a gateway job which opens the door to getting high paying corporate positions. He said that who he replaced his current Black Belt with reflects totally on him. He said that only a very few people in the mill had the requirements to perform the tasks of this job. He said that I was likely the smartest person at the mill and had the necessary intellect and skill to perform this job. I talked with him about the position. I would have to travel a lot for training and seminars and giving presentations before small and large groups, and ultimately have to move after 2 or 3 years to Nashville at Corp Headquarters or some other place. I told him that I really appreciated his comments and his faith in my skills and that they were very uplifting and humbling. But I was honest with him and told him that my kids were already established in school here and my wife’s mother was ill and that I couldn’t see her leaving her, so I doubt that I would take the position and uproot my family. I told him that maybe I would take it the next time it opened up in a few years. He told that he had a very short list of other potentials to look at and for me not to make any steadfast decisions yet and just think about it, talk it over with my family, talk it over with Joe (current Black Belt), and get back him at a later date. My life and I decided not to take the offer so I never talked to Joe. I started also to see through the lines here and figured that Joe wanted to stay in town and if a salary job opened up he would have to relocate. Joe is also related in some fashion to Kurt. A week later while checking my mail in the front office he saw me and called me into his office. He tells me that he had decided that I was the one for the job and had I given it any more thought. I once again told him that I didn’t think it was in my current life plan. He said that he was afraid that he had alluded to the fact that I could just patiently wait around to take the job next time. He goes into how our business is doing poorly and that there is no guaranty how long our mill would be around. He goes on to say that the more skills that I have the more options I would have available to me. He tells me that he knew that I hadn’t talked with Joe yet and both of them thought I was a perfect fit for the job. I bet he did! He told me to talk with Joe and my family again and rethink it. Joe came to my office the next day or so and hung-out until everyone left and we talked about it. I didn’t even ask him what he does because I already had a pretty good idea, so instead I told him why I didn’t want the job. He told me that he was feeling the same way. That he was single when he took the job, but now he had a wife and a baby and that he didn’t want to leave the area. He left and I haven’t talked to Kurt about it in the month since.
These are the tumultuous thoughts that are currently scrambling my brain. I have a little paranoid conspiracy theorist gremlin living in my head and he won’t leave me alone. I hope that I don’t have to post that I lost my job in the next few days. We will see.
Later, spazzing Ash out…
Thursday, October 25, 2007
How I Lost God – Which Turned Into a Long-Condensed Story of My Dysfunctional Life: Part 5
Then came 7th grade. 7th and 8th were in the same school with the high school. Sadly for me we were integrated back into regular classes. Back with the regular kids and many different classes. I became 13 year’s old, hit puberty, and I started getting in trouble and quickly was welcomed by the bad crowd. I began smoking and my parents started buying them for me. I started skipping school regularly, doing drugs, drinking, and sleeping around. Because of course where are you going to find girls that age to sleep with but the bad crowd? The first time I had sex was with a 14 year old girl that had a reputation for sleeping around with everyone in her neighborhood. I will tell this small story as cleanly and nicely as possible. She had always liked me and asked me out often and went as far as befriending my sister in hopes of being around me frequently and making me cave at some point. She wasn’t the kind of girl that my friends would have approved, even though many had also slept with her. Plus, I really just didn’t like her that way. My best friend at the time James was a little older and had a girlfriend. She was a friend to his girlfriend and we went over to her uncle’s house because no one was home. I knew what was going to happen. We were watching a porno with John Holmes in it and smoked some pot. They went upstairs to have sex and that left her and I alone. We started fooling around and got undressed. I got to touch and see a naked girl and touch her all over for the second time. The first time was a few months prior during the previous summer when one of my sister’s friends stayed over. I told her that I couldn’t have sex with her because I didn’t have a condom and she told me that her mom had put her on birth control pills and that it would be OK to not use one. I wasn’t only worried about pregnancy. I had already taken Sex-ED and was sickened by the pictures of STD’s that they showed us. I had always promised myself while watching those films that I would always wear one, and I still had the one they gave me in class. I had just forgotten the wrinkled-up, well-worn, small square package that day. I was very afraid and was shaking badly. I tried to back out because I was so afraid of the act and pregnancy and diseases, but she kept prodding me, that we were already naked and I was standing at attention anyways she said with a sly smile. I knew that if I didn’t, I would end up getting ridiculed by my peers and I had a reputation to uphold. I had always said that I was a virgin with a joking air, when asked in my co-ed group of slightly older kids that stood across the street from campus in the mornings before school and lunch breaks and smoked cigarettes. No one believed the truth because they weren’t I guess. Anyways I fought away my fears and got on top of her and she put me inside her. I hadn’t expected it to feel so much different from my hand that I was already quite used to and I went inside her very soon after. I couldn’t find the power to move my body afterwards and pretend that I hadn’t went. She finally said that she was going to put some music on to give me a rhythm. I was totally embarrassed at my ineptitude and when she got up I went to the bathroom and washed myself up. I just knew that she knew and that she would tell everyone. I came out and grabbed my clothes and told her that I finished myself off in the bathroom and lied and said I was already late getting home and that I was going to get in trouble. She asked if it was something that she did wrong and I said no. I finished dressing and left. One of my friends Brian was riding his bike by the house as I walked out on the porch. I got on my bike, while he stopped and waited for me. He stated that I slept with her, to which I lied and said that I was going but that she stunk so bad when she took her pants off that I just left. This was totally a horrible thing to do to anyone, especially to this troubled low self-esteem girl. But at that moment my 13 year old mind was looking for damage control and that was the first thing that popped into my head to say that would counteract all the things that I was worrying about at that second. It was a preemptive strike in case she started rumors about sleeping with me and my premature ejaculation. It was wrong, but I was scared and I was a bad kid inside and I was 13. He seemed surprised and revealed to me right there that he had slept with her the last time a week prior and that she didn’t stink then or any other time. I asked him if he used a condom. He said hell no, that he would never use one, that he had slept with her for a long time and she had never gotten pregnant because she was on the pill. I was relieved to hear that she didn’t lie about the pill and figured if nothing else he would think it was his kid. She didn’t get pregnant. But I was worried that maybe she had given me an STD because she was so promiscuous, although I never had any signs. I worried about that for two whole years before I finally came to terms that I didn’t get anything from her and because of that fear I always wore a condom until after I got with my wife and we started trying to have kids. I then started riding the miles home when my mom, who was coming home from work, stopped on the side of the road and tried to pick me up so I didn’t have to ride all the way home. I was ignorantly worried that I smelled of sex and she would catch me so I told her I just wanted to ride my bike. She wasn’t going to take no for an answer, so I put my bike in the trunk of the car. I huddled against the passenger door window the whole ride home as far away from her as possible trying to keep the smell of sex to my side of the car and thought about how badly that had went and the fucked up luck it would be to become a father the very first time I ever had sex. She did try bragging at school that she had slept with me not even mentioning my poor performance, but the guys all believed my story, which Brian’s big mouth told the very next day. The girls believed her and said as much, and gave me shit for sleeping with her; they knew how guys would deny sleeping with someone. I always denied it. She stopped me a few weeks later while I was riding home. She told me that she had liked me for a long time and that the rumors had really hurt her. She seemed most hurt that I denied our encounter. She asked if she really stunk and I told her no and lied that Brian had made that whole thing up himself. She asked if there was anyway we could be together. I told her no and we parted ways and she never came over to see my sister again. I was happy to not have to face her anymore. Brian soon got me into huffing. The majority of the time it was gas, but I sniffed everything from paint thinner to Scotchgard waterproofing. We started skipping and would get in and old VW Bug in his backyard and take turns with the gas can. The big kick was the hallucinatory dreams that the fumes would deliver. As you would come back from the dreamworld to the waking world both would meld together as sounds slipped in. Your face and body would begin to tingle as you sniffed; it was probably brain cells dying. I always got a terrible headache afterwards and would often cough until I threw-up. I think I only did it for a month or 2, before I quit. It was quite addicting and I found myself missing more and more school. I was also sniffing butane in my room at home that I tricked my mom into buying for me for a refillable lighter. I quit cold turkey one day when I skipped and when leaving another skipping kids house, I snuck into his shed outside and started sniffing gas. I woke-up hours later and walked outside. It was already dark and I could see his family in the window eating. I don’t know if the small shed filled-up with fumes or what, but I figured that I was lucky that I didn’t die that day. I got on my bike and rode home in the dark and never did it again. One other thing happened around this time that also drove me to lose my faith in God. I had a dog named frisky; he was a mutt and was a small black dog with a white blaze on his chest. I loved that dog; he slept with me every night and was a comfort to me. He was the one thing in that house that kept me happy and whole. We had actually picked him and his brother up as we were driving our stuff to our new house when I was in the forth grade. We drove by a house with a free puppy sign out in the front yard and my sister and I talked my dad into getting them for us because we were moving to the country. He turned the U-haul around and we each picked out a pup. Not long after we got them, they went under the house and tore-up the heating and air ductwork. My dad was so pissed that he drove a few miles down the rode and dropped them off at the dump. I got home from school and was devastated. 3 days later my pup Frisky showed back up and my dad said that I could keep him because he must have really wanted to be with us. I had him for a few years and during that time he almost died twice. Once a car ran over him but the wheels didn’t hit him and he just rolled under the car because he was so short. The second time one of Rick’s horses kicked him in the forehead. It cut him open and his eyes turned blue for a week before they turned back brown-black. He always had a scar on his forehead after that. One day my dumb sister, who had a boyfriend in town decided to walk all those miles to go see him. She let my dog follow her. When she left that night she forgot about him and got a ride home. I got my mom to drive back to his house and we drove around the blocks but couldn’t find him anywhere. There was a bad thunderstorm that night and he was deathly afraid of thunder and lightening. I drove my bike into town every day for 2 weeks and went door to door but couldn’t find him. I was very depressed and distraught. On Wednesdays at church people would get up and tell their testimonies. I went with my parents that night. I got up and told the congregation about losing my dog. I cried as I told my story. As we were leaving a guy called to me. He came up to me and told me that while praying for me, that God had come to him and said that he would deliver my dog back to me. He said that he saw my dog running towards my house as he prayed and that when I got home my dog would be there. I wanted so much to believe him. On the way home I hoped and prayed the whole way while I cried my loneliness to God. And obviously I wasn’t greeted with my wagging dog when we drove into the yard. One last hope was that my sister had already let him in the house, but no, Frisky was gone from me forever. That hurt me badly. I still don’t understand why that asshole did that to a 13-year-old boy wanting so much to see his best friend again. I truly hope he pays dearly for getting my hopes up just to break my heart once more. At the time I hated him and I just couldn’t understand why God had taken my dog and didn’t let me have him back after what that zealot did to me. It just didn’t seem fair.
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