Overdose Poem

Candid glimpse at a dark day in my life. In no way am I trying to glorify attempting to take my life, as my muse or to romanticise the selfish act or for inspiring me the fodder for poetry. What I am showing you is, what I wrote that day, in a gelatinous state of delirium as my neurons frantically fired to keep my respiratory system from shutting down. Overdose and suicide are bad words in most circles, but it happens, and I figured it shouldn't be too taboo of a topic on a bipolar blog. I will at some point fill in a missing piece or two about the 4 years absent from my sidebar, but not tonight. I could barely see and my writing was sloppier than my usual scrawl. It was in 2 inks. This is what I wrote, punctuation and all. I only vaguely recall that day and I still don't know exactly what we meant to convey, yet I am content with all I can discern.

Have you seen the light?

It is the way for many

The theologians ask have you seen the light*

Meet a wayfarer in the darkest cave system. Have you seen the light, heard out.

Dead, to call one back, have you seen the light

Our " The/Our?" "cusstain?" once and without it we are lost

Have you seen the light, the real light.

Theologians have you seen the light?

The spelunker wandering asks where the light may be.

Dead, the body finds dirt in his face and the light has forsaken him.

Mental HEALTH Discrimination or Advanced Delusionary Schizophrenia With Involuntary Narcissistic Rage

They like to say mental health to imply vitality and positivity, but no, let's be clear, it's mental "illness". Mental "health" is just psychology's modern, politically correct, euphemism meant to manipulate society into using a positive term/label to unknowingly bring about humanization and faux acceptance, i.e. special, gifted children, handicapable, and my personal happier label, bipolar. That rephrasing really helped break the cycle of the negative stygma surrounding the term manic-depression. They just made the term shorter so the media can really get the ever-popular, socal-pariah/might-snap-at-any-second/murder-suicidEE inflections just right when saying "BipolAR"!!

Honestly, if mental health was so healthy or viewed positively, a larger percentage of the mentally ill wouln't have to hide their health from family and friends and fake Facebook friends that only need you to get the cool tractor in Farmville.

What's your damn point you say? Relax, we are only 300 words in! It is currently acceptable morally, ethically, and finacially, to differentiate between mental and pysical healh to treat, compensate, cover, etc.

Blue Cross Blue Shield, likely the top "health" insurance provider, pays different percentage amounts under the same policy for the same premium. I had coverage at 80% paid Heath coverage, yet under same policy I was only cover 50% for Psychiatric appointmts, only $20 per therapy session, and a low per year cap. And that was 2 years ago, but when I was diagnosed in '05 the divisions were even larger in contrast.

Standard Insurance is/soon to be, was, my short-term/long-term disability supplier. Under their policy a physical disability exists as long as you are physically disabled, but mental illness has a timelimit no matter if your Dr and Government consider you disabled. Typical. Insurance companies are organized crime syndicates. A rep called me and left a voicemail and he said, (I'm paraphrasing but in no way changing intent) we understand bipolar disorder but we are wondering if you have any physical issue limiting your ability to find employment, and we would need these Drs' info if that be the case. I then received a letter stating that they are closing my case in June because their policy doesn't cover mental and medical disability for the same time period.

I don't really know what to do. It all just makes me think of the disorder that Jim Carrey's character Hank had in Me, Myself, and Irene: Advanced Delusionary Schizophrenia With Involuntary Narcissistic Rage. Is that fuckin' physical enough fuckface? Or do we need to get more physical than that punk? Sorry, that was the Hank persona. And still good ol' rational Ash. Physical? Really! How about my brain, which is made up of matter, (Real Actual, Factual, PHYSICAL matter - opposite of the empty amoral skulls of the cold, dead ethics of your policy lawyers. ) doesn't work like a normal healthy human's. How about this for a physical impairment limiting my ability to procure gainful employment. Neurons communicate by sending and receiving electrical and chemical signals/stimuli via neurotransmitters communicating at a synapse point between those two neurons. That was a healthy example of how neurons control who and what we are to a certain extent as their healthy communication is responsible for thoughts, feelings, emotions, the Centrol Nevious System. Neurons are actually the lagest structures in the human body. They are made up of pysical material called neural cells and make up the CNS which control everything, including emotions, depression, rage, mania, sleep normalcy, obsessions, creativity, impetuousness spontaneity, lust, concentration, apathy, sympathy, empathy, grandiosity, fleeting thoughts, anxiety, conspiracy theories including co workers collusion, delusions, voices in head, addictive tenadencies, OCD like obsessing, emotional immaturity. There a thousands of these clogged neurons misfiring every second in the bipolar brain. These non-communicating neurotransmitters can't pass on this information at correct ratios and/or they build up mass amounts of process chemicals. Both of those aforementioned physical malfunctioning bipolar neurotransmitters manifest physically some or many of the bipolar characteristics as we try to function in a world that considers us scary and disenfranchises us with unfounded stereotypes. Meds can help by releasing or blocking these chemical and informantion, yet nothing is a cure-all and there is always relapse.



Quick analogy of an example of Physically Unhealthy communication between 2 malfuncting/non-reciprocating neurotransmitters: Our hands (neurotransmitters) coming together to meet palms in the middle (synapse) to recipricate normal healthy physical communication (neurotransmission).

My hand: opened, is prepared to give and receive stimuli, which is normal.

Your hand: closed, unprepared to give and receive stimuli, which is "not" normal.

Stimuli: goodfaith coverage. In other words, open your scroogesque, unethical corporate hand and give me my damn money!

I think I will call and get a copy of the policy from Standard. I feel like writing my Congressman and Governor about toleration and blindeye this Country has towards mental illness.

INTERMISSION

I figuered I' d also use my blog to document dates for recall for myself and Dr about issues, stressors, meds, mania, depression, obsessions, feelings, fears, symptoms, etc.

Meds:

* Often I forget to take my morning meds. Sometimes for days. Sometimes I remember but don't feel like taking them. And when I am mentally off I'm not sure if is a problem with meds or me not taking them right.

Procrastination/anxiety/apathy:

* Sometimes I don't bathe for days.

* Often I don't change my clothes for days.

* I average going outside once every week and a half.

* I rarely answer my phone.

* my scraggly beard and hair is more a product of my lack of motivation and less of a statement of my crappy sense of style.

Obsessions:

* Skyrim - Manned some bigtime real hrs since Christmas. Like hundreds!

* Survival - reading, writing, researching, buying, preparing, testing, making videos.

* Bi-polar blogs - reading, writing, researching.

My brain fights to pick one of the three to maniacally digest its ifno until the next sleep.

I keep a pen and pad on me at most times and fill it with everything like new items to obsessions to research, diagrams for equipment or visual help for when I review the info and misc thoughts.

Very manic last week. I put a pen and pad in each hoodie hand pocket. They each had a subject and I paced the house and basement writing in both almost non-stop. I put on my IPod andt old the family to leave me be becaue I wasn't feeling well. I was getting my survival bag ready for a winter test. Next Afternoon I went in the woods with my dog and made a camp with a tarp, a garbage bag, and a small bedroll, in 2' of snow and 20-10*F weather.

Stressors:

*LTD called me and said that they are closing my case because their policy doesn't rate mental and medical disability the same. Under their policy a physical disability exists as long as you are physically disabled, but mental illness has a timelimit no matter if your Dr and government consider you disabied. Typical. Insurance companies are organized criminal syndicates.

Son's Football:

*Getting coach to do his job and lay off the empty promises.

*NCSA - so much to do.

*Football footage and audio viewing has been an obsession off an on.

I feel like a lazy, crazy, dirty, slob that would help my family more if I was gone.

The Media's Negative Obsessive War With Bi-Polar Disorder

I'm sick the media instantly and without records, knowledge, or justification sterotyping every violent or hanus crime or TMZ breakdown to be perpetrated by a bipolar person. Does anyone else notice this bigotry on talkshows, news broadcasts? (networks and locals.) Is anyone else getting frustrated of every crime, school shooting, or out of control celebrity being diagnosed on the spot, by news anchors and "expert contributors" paid for the network. This bi-polar talk is being broadcasted sometimes while the person isn't even in custody and without any prior knowledge of the personal mental or medical or psychatric history.

To start down the path of labeling crimes to mental disorders and illnesses is a dangerous game. I notice often in the media cases of sick multiple murders, where the talk is all about how crazy he is and that he is definitely BP. Then everyone is outraged when he pleads insanity. They want him on death row or life in prision. They don't want him merely confined to an asylum, so they change their tune and think he is faking it. It is on True TV daily. So that is why labels are dangerous for everyone. Because if we quantify particular crimes with particular mental health types then if a person is diagnosed with that mental illness,  the crime has no real consequences and therefore no justice for anyone.

Let's just throw out the labels and actually do some investigative reporting. Fact checking used to be a part of reporting, now the news says what it wants by sneaking in qualifiers like alledgedly, presumed, supposed, according to my sources, etc. With that slimy lawyer loophole you can slander anyone to a certain extent.

Drop the labels because some people are pieces of shit. They are dead inside. Psychopaths that are hedonistic vultures that prey on the weak. Some are evil, and if it feels good, that is all that concerns them. It makes them happy. They don't care about the victim or their families. And some criminals if brought up differently, would be police officers, guarding your stuff, not stealling it.

To be continued...

Tripwires and Squibs

Well, I feel rather pathitic as I wait for sleeping pills to wind my loudly spinning thouhts down to numb sleep of unremebered dreams. I hate that I have a vauge sense of vibrant dreamscapes with corny misconstrued plots, only to awake to a mere taste or smell, a powerful feeling with fastly fleeting storyline or not-so-strange face that my waking brain can't cypher. Bed dreams of a numb mind. New multi-speared enthrallments flood my brain I and rule me until the next dose. But one must sleep and even if near OD happens to be what takes you to the dark dreamless gray, so be it. I try hard to pull it all together to no avail; no wanted recall for me. Because it is time to slave and toil to the music of today's obsessive task/research/thing. Can't focus on the past because I need to figure out today's experiments before I have sleep next time. What day is it anyway? "It's manic monday. It'sssss always manic monday! How many time do we need to go over this?"


I woke up late, not that I am expected anywhere. I watched tv and surffed  till 6pm. I get a bite to eat and back to bed for more of the same. I hear tripwire in my periphery from some electronic input. CLICK: today's mission plan has arrived; read it before it selfdestructs! "Tripwire" All tabs clear across the top of my virus-filled search brower. New tabs pop-up, one by one as I methodically scan the ether for links for directions, diagrams, schematics, or the fork that leads me down the next stop towards security. Many tabs popped up like crenalations thwarting my progress. Bing Image, Google search, instructables, and you tube propagandized for my time. Once I got the gist of Tripwires for my applications, one of the sidebar, hey if you enjoyed reading that subject here is something you might find interesting. I don't need an entity in my life psychoanalyzing me,...ohh.

What's a tripwire without an alarm. Needless to say it is 3:30am and I'm winding down from hrs of my search of near every box and drawer in the house locating the necessary components to make squibs. Well off to bed so I can work on my working squib design. Tomorrow, for my drugs have kicked in.

My Graymatters or My Gray Matters or My gray Matters or my Gr...ohhh, Shiny Red Ball!

I've been missing since 2008, but a recent virus (you ever think Norton is the jerkoff that creates the viruses just so we have to pay them to be the anti?) brought me here while remembering my favs and I opened this dormant blog. Damn, first sentence and already rambled. lol. So anyway, I decided to start posting my thoughts, feelings, fears, and other tuff-guy-stuff like that.

It will take me a little while (if my brain lets myself not quit again) to get used to blogging once again. Hell, I'll have to relearn how to write! Man, last time I posted here I don't even think the texting or Facebook realms had really taken off yet. I'll have to learn blog etiquette anew. I am actually excited to see if anyone on my blogroll is still active. I hope at least a couple so I can say hey and see how they are doing.

I obviously had many happenings, events, and madnesses...and good times since my last post that ended in a terminal last line: bye. Yet I'm not totally neurotic people! ( Although labeling the negative personality trait "neuroticism" was pretty crappy. Looks like they combined neuron + rot = neurotic - "hell, for those inherently cursed people with this characterist, let's throw in an 'ick' at the end of the word for good measure. Because bad things come in 3's you know." Haha. Jokin'. Yea, I know the term was all scientific and whatnot, but I like to think that maybe it was a neurotic Freudian Slip!) Sorry, just a random thought while typing.

Warning: sometimes my asides have asides! If you prefer normal/linear reading, just skip the parentheses and all should hopefully read semi-coherent. I hope I get a few readers (followers sounds so shitty and demeaning - thanks Twitter) again as friends of a kind. The interaction with people with malfunctioning neurotransmitters simular to my cobbled wiring used to help me cope in times of depressive dread and I like to think that possibly I was able to help somebody in their time of need. And if I seem like an arrogant, pompous, pretentious asshole, I am likely typing manic at that particular(NOW)moment.

I am done for the moment, but I have a lot to share at some point, although there is much that I can never truly share for the shame and inner-hate that I endure by my own hands and mind. I changed my blog's title from, My Personal Bipolar Journal, to the simplistic new: Neurons Suck. Because...come-on, they suck. New start; new title. Happy thoughts: my graymatter matters. Or simply: My Gray Matters! Oops, that was goofy thought, not happy thought. Yeah. I get those mixed up. Yea, well... First/recent discombobulated post/ramble/rant over.

Later, Ash ou...ohhh almost forgot. If you look at my profile, don't let the the odd, CDC, creeper zombie chick scare you off. It was from a social experiment blog that I gave up on before it really started. It had no followers (lol) so I would have to say it was closer to antisocial.

Later, Ash out!!

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