Doing Better and Current Addictions

I am feeling better. My mind was spazzing/reeling with thoughts of betrayal and I couldn't stop thinking/obsessing over the lies and hiding and isolation that left me isolated in these walls depressed all winter. I was very hurt by the whole thing but I except it now that my wife and I discussed it. I know I have been quite cryptic about this issue and that is because I hate to write down negative things about my wife. She is a very good and ethical person. And no she didn't cheat on me. I will try to explain the issue, but now I much deal with my obsessions before I take my 2am sleeping meds!

Addictions:

Guitarsmith - a lot of waking hrs.

Youtube - vids on guitar chords and beginner songs and techniques.

Survival - Youtube vids and natural supplies from woods.

Youtube - Tenacious D, Beelzeboss, I laugh at this like ten times a day.

Putting items in my Amazon shopping cart and trying not to hit the (proceed to checkout) button.

Also last Amazon post I forgot about a $40 post-collapse medical how-to journal.

And lastly I actually made an appointment to see my P-doc today.

Simulacra and Simulation

Games are fun and fair are rules of relativity, which is general and special. Mind games are uneven dueling courts, where phallus is usually not king. Flaccid I feign, as the cold shoulder pains me. I'm fuckin' crazy so it's my fault by default. This isn't prose. I'm pissed. Somehow downtrodden, depressed, and befuddled, wrapped-up in an, I don't get it and I don't know if I supposed to give a fuck even if I was intelligent enough to get it!

Not happy, not well; but all's well that ends well, I hear. I will be back...soon. Happy or sad or mad, yet sometimes all at once. Now that will make anyone crazy. Ultra Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder. Now that's not only unfair, it's straight-up bullshit. I think I need to make an appointment and let my Dr know that I really am unsure about what pills and at what dose of the unsure pills to take, because lord knows the labels aren't my guide currently. I'm Sick of being Sick. Oh yea, mind games suck and manipulation, although innate in every process, is a pretty selfish system that subsists upon its very self, like a serpent eating its own tail.

I"m Shit With Money and I Hope I Get Manic Over Rocksmith

Amazon just shipped my latest want/need list item. My wife will likely snap when all my other shopping cart items start showing up in the mail. I thought guys weren't supposed to be shoppers? Honestly how can impulsive/excessive shopping be a real symptom of bipolar, people would ask. I can tell you that it always has been I real problem in my life. My wife has to step in and ask me to calm down or stop spending quite often. I hate to say it, but my wife was appointed my payee by my Psychiatrist. I can't even legally cash my own fucking checks. I am so ashamed. I truly am shit. And just to prove that fact will be 2 weeks of packages showing up on the doorstep to which my wife will likely have to give me "the talk".

Off the top of my head, I ordered:

• Rocksmith (I want to learn guitar + videogame media = mania sandwich with positive benefit)

• 3 different colors of paracord. (survival item, bracelets and whatnot)

• 4 piece firesteel set. (surv item, impulse buy pictured on paracord page)

• 5 piece mini LED keyrings. (surv item, impulse buy pictured on firesteel page)

• Dororo 2 (I think, I hope) dvd (current Samurai/Japanese film obsession)

• Dororo dvd (How can you buy part 2 but not own the original? Thus throw it in the shopping cart!) Now on my shortlist of absolute favorite films. It is English subtitled and although I normally hate reading while watching a movie, this film was worth it. This movie is a masterpiece, compressing multiple genres and classic storylines, and weaving them into an original deeply beautiful fantasy. If you haven't watched it I think most people would love the story even if they aren't into Japanese culture per se. It's on Netflix and I know Amazon has it. lol.

I can't think right now, but I think I ordered 1 or 2 other things.

I did delete the Elton John and Queen double disc Greatest Hits Albums from my order. That was $40 I could see not a adding to my Ipod at the moment or explaining.

I hate losing my right to control my own finances, but I understand. I'll be 37 years old next week and I have to be treated like a baby. I do feel emasculated, less than a man, less than a husband, less than human. But, I am sick and would likely be a penniless hoader, chin-deep in junk, without my loving wife's support.

She often can't take me to the store and walmart is safely an hour away from my magnetic manic fingers. You ever notice when you're shopping, those random items that are just stuffed on the wrong shelf in the totally wrong department. That is my wife sneaking my stuff surreptitiously out of the cart while I'm off on another impromptu cool stuff search. I feel high when I'm in Walmart. I mean who doesn't love movies. And these drug dealers put a thousand dvds priced for $5 in gargantuan tubs all around the store so everyone can get their fix sorting throw mostly junk B-movies. When people start vying for room at the dvd trough and knocking over my shitty pile of zombie cult classics, I just want to jump right in the middle of the box, and play king of the hill of dvds, and bask in their emotions and expressions. I could do this; I'm crazy. I'll tell the cops that it was a social experiment. But in stead I'll get like a box of lego or a lego fantasy d&d-like board game that should have been around before I lost the important part of my imagination. I get it home and the only thing touching it is dust. By proxy I am touching it due to the dust's make-up, which is kind of a gross natural process.

To be honest, I say that a lot, when it comes to mail order, I don't know what I love more, receiving the package or opening the box to get my stuff. Weird really. To add to the mystique, when you buy multiple items, you not only get the rush of mail and your stuff, but also what exact thing that you ordered is in the package that day.

I really should start titling my posts at the end of typing in stead of before my rambling neurons tale their tales.

I doubt she will bitch at me too much because, Hey, It's My Birthday!! Damn, I'm a manipulative bastard. Judge me harshly, I deserve no better.

I Understand Why Many Cultures Believed the Sun was a God

Since Christmas I went outside only 10 to 15 times. It was a bad winter for me although it was an incredibly short winter for my area. We don't open our curtains in the winter, which isn't really psychologically healthy I'm guessing. But Friday the kids came home from school and said it was beautiful outside. I opened the back door and the snow was gone. There is still snow banks where plows have made mounds, but everything else is clean. Not really green out yet, but spring is here. I wanted to do so many things. I have a long spring to-do-list and research/survival projects. I walked around the backyard for a minute, but knew I had to finish film editing or I would start focusing on Spring/outside.

Today, Saturday, my wife, daughter and I drove out to our favorite cross-country trails and took a walk with the dogs. For our Husky Meeka, it was her first time ever in the woods. It was 67 degrees and the warmth and light were so powerful, I just felt imbued with energy and life. Like the weary doldrums and icy grip of winter has lost its depressive weighty cloak that seems to darken my life each year. I think I should buy a UV light and sit under it like a lizard next year. (I say that every year) I understand Sun worship. I'm going outside tomorrow for sure! When everything is green I will really shake this cabinfever.

A few clips of my goofy dogs from today's first walk of the spring. It's not green yet, but you can see the ground.

Updares <-- Updates = Fat Fingers and Randomness

Let's play Thought Fact Bullshit.

Thought: Everyone needs an Alzheimer's list IMO. Write down absolute favorite things, i.e. books, movies, music, tv series, etc.

Fact: I haven't played Skyrim this week, and I honestly feel like I am neglecting a chore.

Bullshit: I tell my Psychiatrist everything, thus end up with the correct meds and make my existence the best possible.

Thought: My wife and I think possibly I repress memories as a defence mechanism to protect me from myself.

Fact: I have heard voices a few times in my life and I was equally ashamed and scared.

Bullshit: I hate the parents that abused me as a child. 

Fact: The above was all spontaneous and had nothing to do with the updates or randomness.

I am just taking a quick break to post a few thoughts. I am editing my son's football footage, because his coach is a D-bag. I am stressed out. I actually had the heart pangs of acute anxiety attacks multiple times over past few days reading and writing e-mails. E-mails!! I am sadly, yet obviously, the intermediary in Beelzebub's love triangle between me, D-bag football coach, and paid college recruiter. The recruiter gets with me to deal the coach because he doesn't comply with video highlight requirements. I've been dealing with his broken promises for over a year now. But it is a delicate situation where I have to be frank and forthright, but not piss him off enough be vindictive towards my son. At the moment he was supposed to turn in a game film to the recruiter but he didn't follow any of the guidelines so the recruiter asked me to get with the coach and get clip numbers. Instead I downloaded editing software and the footage. I have been learning the software on the go and having to also chop every play clip manually down to the second. Then I need to check on upload formats and how to do that. I'll figure it all out.

Ok. Quick randomness because I promised. I have always needed my escapes more than most I think. Fantasy and Sci-fi has always been there to hide from demons and demons. James Cameron films, and no not Titanic, have brought me much escape. But Avatar truly was an immersive masterpiece that has jumped up to one of my altime favorites. Two more Avatar films are to start hitting theartres in '14. I am really looking forward that as much as The Hobbit this Dec. But Cameron is actually putting his movies in jeopardy along with his own life with a "passion" or "goal". Just last week he set a record for deepest manned sub dive at 38,000 ft. All types of equipment broke on that dive due to extreme pressure. later this year he is attempting to dive the Marianas Trench again deeper. I honestly wish him the best, but I do have a little apprehension.

The Media's Negative Obsessive War With Bi-Polar Disorder Part 2: Charlie Sheen Example

Last year Charlie Sheen was being diagnosed with bipolar disorder on every TV network, often by anchor-persons, sports analysts, meteorologists, and any other goofball that likely never opened a intro to psych book. Even Dr Drew labelled him, without ever personally meeting him. He also said that Charlie was in a hypo-manic state and pleaded that someone intervene before he did something really bad. Maybe he is BP, but that can't be determined by an act or a 3 minute call on your cells. Blackberries are smart-phones, but damn, are they that smart?

Bipolar isn't an action.

Bipolar isn't a person.

Bipolar is a specific disorder with a multitude of characteristics and symptoms that can't off-handedly be stamped on people's foreheads on the evening news and by celebrity gossip smut peddlers. If it was that simple then I should be in essence and action like every other BP. I therefore should be a time-tested-successful-millionaire-actor with multiple pornstar groupies. If that is what bipolar means, sign me the hell up! A little over the top there maybe. But to be honest Charlie Sheen has been in the limelight his entire life due to his father and then more on his own starting in the 80's. Therefore there is a large database documenting his personal and emotional background and he has really filled the file. But if it isn't official, no one ethically should blatantly state it as fact.

In summation of this rant, I'd like to reiterate that the media doesn't have to fact-check anymore. They have paid subject experts that spew WOW-factor bullshit for ratings. The bought experts speak eloquently, in formal tones, in a way ambiguous enough to not get sewed when saying slanderous, erroneous, unfounded, unresearched, or down-right lies, because they were only implied and not stated as fact.

And if bipolar was merely some uncontrollable, hedonistic, violent, hate machine, I wouldn't be writing this, I'd be on my way to TMZ Studios to kick in the door to say "Here's Johnny!" or better yet, "I'm a lawyer!"

To be continued...

Duality of Facebook Photo of the Day

Although it has duel meanings, (maybe more with the bottle) i'm sure a deep depressive episode didn't get much thought. But, who am I to shit on a free e-card, on a free social network site, that changed my personal page to a timeline? Nobody, that's who. Lol. But, I honestly found it funny and even [LIKED] it. I love satire. If I couldn't laugh at negativity, I'd sleep nonstop like the goofball in the picture. I merely thought it odd that only certain people would find correlation.