Update and a Dark Secret: Oooh Now That's a Title

How’s it going all? I have been well. I haven’t had a lot of time to post or surf lately due to actually working at work the past few rotations. All the hrly workers were laid-off due to an extremely weak current housing market. That left some chores that needed doing while we are down. So obviously that leaves us salary Sup’s. Man that sucked. We still aren’t back up until next week, but all the work is complete.

Plus, I was on a business trip out of state last week. The guy that we were following took a wrong turn and our already long 9 hr drive there turned into an excruciating 12.5 hr ride. I felt like killing his ass. It was another Smoke School trip. This time I didn’t let it stress me out much. I ended up passing on the 2nd test, which was cool. I failed the 1st one by 1 mark. That sucked and I did start stressing slightly, but luckily I crushed the next test. I have to re-certify on these dumb tests semi-annually. I should buy myself a lap-top so I can play cards online during these trips. It would be better than blowing cash at the bars every night.

Oh yea, the other thing that is also currently taxing my time is Football. I live at Ash-boy’s practices 2 hrs an afternoon/5 days a week and games on Sat. So as you can surmise that doesn’t leave much time for anything else. Brag-time. I have always been half-ass coordinated and could at least kind’a compete at sports, but my son has a god-given gift athletically. He has always been one of the top players on all his teams. In Football, he has always been 1st string on offense, defense, and all special teams, no matter if he was the youngest or oldest on the 2 year teams. Shit, he often doesn’t even get a break. This year he is 12 and is in the 7th grade. He is huge. I wear 10 ½ shoes and while shopping for his school shoes a few months ago he had to buy 11’s. He also was on the A-honor roll all of last year, although he extremely anal about his work and worries way too much about his grades and loses sleep over it some nights. Brag-time over.

Mentally I still have been pretty stable over the last month. I still get manic off and on, but I still haven’t had any depressive episodes. That is a plus. I have had some days where I was uber irritated though. I have recently run out of my Lamictal. My P-doc’s office has some stupid automated script phone service. I was already off for 3 days before I called and it has been 3 days since and still no freakin’ pills at my local pharmacy. I will have to call again. My wife says that she can see a huge difference and that I am very cranky and irrational most days. I honestly can say that I have noticed it a few days myself. Voices are like nails on a chalkboard sometimes. I have screamed at the top of my lungs a few times. I have had to hide on occasions, because I couldn’t control my anger. I really need my meds I guess. Fuck, I was starting to thing that maybe I really wasn’t BP lately. I think I am on just the right amount of meds and for the most part they repress my rage and moodiness. But life couldn’t be that kind; I am still broken. I joked (kind’a) with the wife that maybe I really didn’t need meds anymore and that because they are so wearing on our current finances (Comp still being dicks) that maybe I should try living without them. But after my mood swings since being out of meds she told me to fuck-off drop that notion. If nothing else, I do see him next Monday. Stupid phone automation. Honestly as much as I hate that shit I can see using that system in some endeavors, but for the mentally ill? Come on normal people, use your healthy brains and make some fuckin’ sense for a change. Dumbasses. It’s like having a British nanny watch your toddler - It might work out, but then again, her remedy for a crying baby might be to shake it till it shuts up. (Not-so-recent news analogy.) Without my pills my mental health is going down faster than Idaho Senator Larry Craig in a Minnesota airport restroom. (Current news analogy and slightly less dark.)

I figured it would be best to end with a negative. (You see, I am learning a lot in my psychology courses. LOL.) I have a secret to tell you. Wait for it… wait for it. I never quit smoking; in fact I am puffing more than (I feel another Larry Craig comment coming on, which I will refrain from,) a pack a day. I do need to quit. I am ashamed. After my wife found out I lied and said I quit and hid it for a few weeks until she caught me, AGAIN. I was like a teenager sneaking around behind their parents’ back. I was ashamed but couldn’t stop. When she caught me she immediately went out and bought herself a pack. Damn, women seem to be inherently vindictive. Jokin’ – kind’a. Anyways, we both are now sneaking around hiding this dark secret from our 2 children like the addicted hypocrites that we have become. They will figure it out soon if we don’t get the strength to kick the habit soon. 8 fuckin’ years down the tubes. Maybe I will try taking to my physician. I don’t need sympathy; I need an ass-whoopin’. My parents would shit. Not that I really care too much what they think.

I am happy; just a little pissed at my weakness is all.

Oh yea, I am still living at right at 190lbs. 26lbs ain't all that bad. I can see Little-Ash hanging down there again. It's always nice to see an old friend. LOL. Ok, I'm done being immature now.

Later, Ash out…

BRB

Sorry about the MIA. Everything is going well. I will post on Tues with a full update.

Later, Ash out...

Mini-post

I’ve been doing fairly well since my last post. I have had a few manic episodes though. I have been quite irritable at times. I have wanted to scream at people during these manic moments, although I have for the most part held back. My crew has asked a couple a days a week lately if I was in a bad mood because I was very short and curt while answering their questions. A few days I was in uber spas mode: eyes wide and talking about whatever ever subject with excess ardor and just couldn’t shut the hell up. Poker is this there, although I am keeping with my pact to only play 2 hrs a day online and maybe a live game with the Boys ever few weeks.

Later, Ash out…

Weight Update

I currently have hit 190lbs. That is 26lbs since I started my diet. My belly (did I just say Belly) umm, I mean stomach *deep voice* is still chubby, yet an ab workout isn’t in the shedule at the moment. I am happy though. It’s nice to be able to fit normally in your pants and not be so restricted that you have to shit 5 times a day. LOL.

Later, Ash out…

POKER

My manic poker obsession has once again gotten the best of me. I figured to spend more time with my family I would play at night while they slept. Seems positive right? Na, I ended up playing all-nighters and sleeping the day away to the detriment of family time. It didn’t even enter my mind until my wife mentioned it. I’m really not observant sometimes. Well anyways, we have come to a compromise wherein I will play for only 2 hrs during the day and keep sleep schedules with the rest of the family. My wife and I think that is a good compromise. I will still occasionally be online at night due to my crazy work schedule, but the majority of the time will now fall on their time frame. I am happy with this as will they.

Belated Comments

Anonymous Mom said...

it's good that you and your wife are able to discuss things.

quit calling her a bitch, you bastard.

i'm glad you two have each other. be open and honest ash! that's the best you can do! everybody screws up, you were quick with the apology and that counts for something. keep pluggin' along...

OUCH…bastard. That cuts deep. I don’t know who my father was. Naaa, just joking. I truly can be sometimes.

August 15, 2007 12:35 PM

katinkab said...

yeah when i was in the hospital, i started smoking again, cuz the mental health workers would call out smoke breaks every two hours. i'd go 2 or 3 times a day. so when i got out of the hospital, i ended up buying a pack. i still only smoke 2 or 3 cigs a day, but i found a 100% all natural tobacco brand that supposedly doesn't contain additives or chemicals. so i guess it is less hazardous than regular gas station cigs, but it is also expensive. i got them at a tobacco shop for $5.50 a pack.

Don’t delude yourself…all smokes are bad. The chemicals are only part of the adverse effects of puffing. You are putting smoke into your lungs which inflames the bronchi, bronchioles, and alveoli. I’m telepathically sending my support so we can both kick the habit.

August 16, 2007 1:59 AM

katinkab said...

p.s. what is your character's name on WoW? which server do you play on? i'm on Alleria.

My man is Dragonal. My server starts with AZ… that is as far as can remember at the moment and I’m currently working so I can’t check. I think I spend too much time doing quests and grinding. Ash-boy is only a few levels above me and he is over the map. Ash-girl keeps starting over in her quest to try out every race in WoW.

August 16, 2007 2:01 AM


onemeanmutha said...

when you feel like your going to burst, walk away.. words hurt. im glad you guys are able to talk it out though. sending good vibes :)

Ya, I know I should but this was instant anger. She was blaming me for something that I didn’t feel accountable for and she turned it to hurtful comments about my parenting skillz and love for my children. That pissed me off right now let me tell you. I might not be the greatest dad in the world but I love my kids more than anything in this world. We made up and both apologized for our transgressions.

August 16, 2007 5:26 AM

katinkab said...

i am totally addicted to wow. i have a hunter char, i can't seem to get her up to lvl 30. she's been at lvl 29 for like a week... grrrrrr... you should totally get the expansion set as well, they're actually coming out with another set sometime soon. anyway, i can't play wow all the time or i will be excessively obsessed. or some bipolar feature. my current meds are 600mg lithium and 300mg lamictal. i think adding the lithium to my cocktail has helped to stabilize me a bit. i'm still restless and agitated though. i've been self-medicating somewhat with cigs. it's such a bad habit.

I am pretty stable at the moment, although poker is starting to consume every waking thought. Football has started so that should calm down my obsessive tendencies.

August 6, 2007 10:19 PM

Butterfly said...

LMBO!

Hey is WoW provides and opp for father-son bonding, then I'm all for it (despite have NO clue as to what it is).

Enjoy.

Playing WoW leads to the darkside! LOL. Stay away because it will consume you to the detriment of your waking life. I have always used RPG’s as an escape from reality, like I used to with drugs and booze in my teenage years. This just happens to be one that is truly a world that you can live in. There isn’t much that you can’t do. It’s not all fighting and questing. But it does start many conversations with my children and that is always welcome.

August 8, 2007 11:34 PM

knicksgrl0917 said...

hey! i'm going to cali this weekend and won't be back until september...here is the website i was talking about where i made extra summer cash. Later! the website is here

SHUT THE HELL UP SPAMMER. My Voodoo doll currently has about 15 needles jammed into your genitals. Is your pee burning? It’s either my hex or you have the clap from some dirty skank that you gave a roofy. Pervert.

July 30, 2007 8:09 AM

katinkab said...

dude how can fat people be a "race"? that is the most ridiculous thing i've heard in a while.

Some people live life and never use their intellect to think about what they don’t understand. Once school is over their brain stagnates because they are unwilling to learn. Phrases and adages are the worst for these people. They say them wrong or out of context, usually because they heard them when they were young and never revisited them later on after they acquired the ability for critical thinking in adolescence. I’m sure I miss-say a few myself.
Funny example: We were playing poker one night and a friend brought his wife along. She won a big hand off of him and jokingly said that he was going to cow-cock her when they got home. She obviously meant cold-cock, but she had always thought it was stated cow-cock. And the jokes ensued. She was actually a good sport about it as we insinuated that she was into “barnyard relations.” He face was a solid red as she blushed the rest of the night. She has played once or twice since so it didn’t really bother her and she knew it was all in good fun.

August 6, 2007 10:10 PM

Butterfly said...

LMBO!! I agree!

How about making an island only for dumb people?

They’d breed themselves back to Cro-Magnon and likely revert to cannibalism.

August 8, 2007 11:35 PM

Thanks for the comments and my belated responses. And may your moods be stable.
Later, Ash out…

Hidden Posts

My work Internet is retarded. When I bring up my site or your blogs it doesn’t update to your current posts. I have to hit refresh for it to update to your current posts. That is a large reason why I haven’t commented lately. I thought that you all stopped posting as of late. Anyways I now know what’s so I can start reading again. Also I didn’t know that you guys had left comments the last few weeks. It is nice to know that you are still with me.

My T-doc visit was weird. At the end she kind of parted ways with me. ??? I don’t know why. Maybe she thinks I am doing well enough that I don’t need therapy. She said that she would make an appointment for a month and that if I was doing well, to give her a few days notice, and just cancel. I really don’t know what to think. My wife thinks that I wasn’t open enough with her about my thoughts, moods, and feelings. I have made leaps and bounds with my anxiety attacks and ruminating negative thoughts.

I am finally done with my 1st course of my 2nd semester on my psychology studies. I minor in business and some of those courses are hard reading. This last one was Personal finance. Don’t get me wrong, I learned some invaluable things, but damn was it dry. It was all about taxes and loans and stocks and saving and investing for retirement. Shit that is a lot of Ands. I just started the new course. I am pretty excited about it. It is Human Development. Nurture and Nature. It traverses though the lifespan and our internal processes at each stage in life. Apparently we BP’ers all have some chromosome issues. Environment also might play a role in our disorder. It isn’t all heritability. One thing I can say for sure at this point is that Freud had some issues. LOL.

As an aside: we finally let Bandit go. She was getting too big and mischievous. It took us 3 times of dropping her off to finally go through with it. The first 2 times she kept coming back to the car al the while looking pitiful. We hope she can make it. It was a cool experience. Bye Bandit we love you. *Man tears!*

Also a few of you don’t seem to have blogs anymore. I hope you are doing well. If you changed sites, hook a brotha up with the addresses.

Later, Ash out.