I'm Feeling Pretty Good Right Now and Other Ramblings

I still feel well; great actually. I really think that the fish oil pills do help keep me stable. I am less irritable also, which is beautiful.

One thing that is darkening my mood a bit is the perpetuity of winter here in the UP. I still have 6 to 8 ft snow banks in my yard. The roads are still packed-snow covered. I haven’t seen anything green in months on end. It is truly getting old. Spring might in reality be here, but not where I live. No wonder all the elderly people that can afford it live in Florida in the winter. They are called snowbirds. I might think about light therapy next winter. Maybe. It’s an option anyway. I’ll feel like a pet lizard under the Vita-light.

On the work front, I finally got a great yearly review. I got Meets and Exceeds on my evaluation. I was told that I got the highest raise in the mill. That makes me feel good. My only negative section ever on my salary evals was my lack of professional communication. And obviously we all understand why that was. First undiagnosed and then a transitional period with my meds trying to find the right mix to quell my anger and impulsivity among other things. No blow-ups last year and only one incident the year prior. We had this crotchety, backstabbing, semiskilled, nurtured and pampered receptionist that only kept her job because guys at work thought she was hot. She complained about everything and everyone. The two other women in the office and her hated each other. She had a pet name for them when they weren’t around. She always referred to them as “The Cunts,” and talked shit about them to anyone that would listen, which was a lot of salary guys, who would loiter around her deck checking out her revealing attire and bask in her flirtation. We got along at first, but then she ran her mouth about me up front one day, likely really pissed at me because I didn’t ogle and show her the attention that she expected from everyone from the male species. My boss was told about her ranting and raving and making a scene up front by someone other than her when getting back from lunch. He misconstrued something in the telling and thought that I was personally up there arguing with her, instead of innocently by proxy. He confronted me and wouldn’t believe that I had nothing to do with it. He threatened my job and as it became heated. After that he started sending me notes with 1, 2, and 3 exclamation points after her written queries. I confronted her in front of my boss and explained exacted what exclamation points mean, especially used in the manner in which she was using them. I even brought the dictionary. LOL. I will admit that I even though I knew what she was doing it was wrong of me to make a confrontation out of it. Yet, I was having a slightly unstable episode at the time. I didn’t raise my voice, but I was hyperventilating, my eyes were hatred personified, and I was talking to her as if she was a lower life form; a virus of vile contagion and pestilence maybe. Ha ha. I don’t know if I have come across with my view of her, but let me reiterate; I despise her as a person. LOL. I was called into a meeting with my boss and the plant manager and verbally reprimanded for the incident. It also was mentioned on that year’s eval. I admitted wrongdoing and honestly did feel bad because I was pretty intense and it scared both my boss and her. They were stunned. I am not a mean-spirited person. It ultimately happened because she was being an ass and I was ruminating about it every time she sent me a memo or request with 3 loud “!!!” on the page. She quit recently when she got a new boss, and it was rumored and I believe, he wouldn’t coddle her and expected her to actually be capable of her position. There is no love lost and I am happy as shit that she is gone. Anyways, to end this uber drawn-out paragraph, I finally got a raise and recognition that I worked so had for. Believe me when I say that I had many moments last year that I felt compelled, almost beyond my ability, to argue and snap with pure unadulterated lividness. I just made curt answers and really never divulged anything verbally that wasn’t specifically asked of me. They are missing out on many things that I know and can solve or help them with, but it is their loss, because if keeps me from getting worked up, that is the way my professional relationship with the management team will remain. It is a testament to therapy, my psychology studies, contemporary medication and sheer will and effort that I was able to restrain my internally-lamented bipolar tendencies. I have come far with my inner demons and I am proud of myself.

I was also recently offered a job that is a gateway job likely resulting in a corporate position. I turned it down because I am currently stress-free – nearly stress-free – in my position and I see no reason to purposely add undue stress to my life. Plus, Ash-wife’s mother isn’t in the best of health and there is no way see would relocate to Nashville after 2 or 3 more years here. Plus, my kids are established here in school. I know what it is like to move and change schools perpetually and I will not inflict that personal, emotional, and social chaos on my children if I can possibly help it.

Well, tomorrow Ash-wife and I go down state to see a neurosurgeon. Hopefully he will give us good news. Good and bad really. Good meaning that he will do surgery on her neck, which will give her back some sort of a normal existence. Yet, bad meaning that she needs a dangerous surgery. It has been over 2 years since her accident and she still hasn’t really had any treatment other than pain drugs. Plus, Comp stopped paying her wages 2 years ago now and it really has been a strain on our finances. But ultimately the worst of it is that she feels helpless, negative, and fatalistic about everything. She has PTSD and clinical depression steaming from the accident and her subsequent medical treatment by the medical community. She has been injured since she was 29 year’s old. That is just wrong. Please, let this guy help us.

Lastly, I will try to post a pic of my WIP. (work in progress)It is a 28mm scale model of a Medieval inn. Man is it a lot of work.

Wish us luck. Later, Ash out…

I'm Feeling much better now

I am feeling much better now, although I don't feel as regulated as a few months back. I am back on my meds. You would think that psychiatrists and their nurses would be more diligent with mental illness prescriptions. You know what I mean? What if I would have lost my job due to their negligence? I am still having bouts of irritability for some reason. I hate it. I don’t like being that person. I will have to work on this. Maybe start taking my omega 3 fish oil again.

Well, everyone I will update again soon. I hope everyone is doing well. Take care of yourselves and remember you can do anything you put your minds to. We are not handicapped; we are just challenged, so we must work harder than most. Don’t let our illness be a crutch or excuse to procrastinate and not fulfill your true potential. Be strong and you will persevere.

I myself, need to work on my motivation in regards to my psychology studies. Merely a 2 page essay has taken me 2 months so far. I just don’t feel like doing it for some odd reason. I will force myself to complete it this next week at work. Let’s see if I can update with that small accomplishment. Baby steps. Baby steps. LOL.

Thanks for sticking with me through these last few months where I have neglected my blog.

Later, Ash out…