I have been doing well for the most part. I have been a bit overly irritable lately. My wife said that I have been snappy with her the past few weeks. I told her that I would stop it and I have done well recently.
I got my evaluation the other day and the “unprofessional communication” comment has reared its ugly head again. All salary personnel now have a performance plan and get evaluated quarterly now. WhooHoo, kick ass. One solace is that now us supervisors don’t have to attend the morning meetings any longer. This will help me greatly because I will seldom interact with management, thus giving me less chance of an outburst. I still need to work on this for myself though. I think my biggest problem is ruminating on things that aggravate me, so when the discussion/confrontation arises I am already worked up.
One last thing is that my P-doc is leaving, so I will have to find another psych. That sucks. It will be my third one. I hate having to rehash my flaws over and over to new people, but I do need my meds.
On the poker addiction front. I have really been doing OK here. I played the bare minimum during the last 3 months. YET, that will likely change now. I bought a laptop. I can now sit in bed and play. I still don’t plan to play more during the day or so much that I neglect everyone. I have been very good with sticking to a few hrs a day, around half the month.
Today’s Pet Peeve: People that don’t have a conception of one’s private space. Everyone has an invisible “territorial Bubble” surrounding them. That is my space. If you want to talk to me, go ahead and stay a good 2 feet away and state your business. I don’t need, want, or except you getting 6 inches from my face and wanting to converse back and forth. (Especially if you spit on your “S’s” or if your funky breath wafts out on your “H’s”). If you can’t hear, ask me to speak up. If you can’t talk loud enough for me to hear, don’t worry, I will occasionally nod and/or kick-out an acquiescence so you think I give a shit about what I’m not listening to anyways. Curt summation: Get out of my damn face.
Ash-wife’s medical update. We had a hearing with comp last month. TheY got an extension to get their ducks in a row. 2 ½ years and they need extra time to get everything together. That is sad. Our next hearing is June 5th. She has so much documentation that I can’t see her losing the case. We will see.
She just went in for an EEG the other day and they found seizure activity. She never had those before her accident. We don’t see the neurologist until the very day of the hearing so hopefully she can obtain the EEG report itself for evidence. It is amazing what a 20lb. box to the head can do to one’s body. Luckily she has had the same Dr. for a long time, who can verify how active she was and without these medical issues before the accident.
As if my wife hasn’t had a bad enough time medically, we have a new issue that is causing a lot of stress in our lives at the moment. My wife has had a cyst on one of her ovaries for years. Over the last few years it has gotten bigger. (The size of a golf ball.) Finally her Dr. decided that she should get a Pap Smear to check it out. He found that it had grown to the size of a baseball. Also it was attached to the outside of her uterus. This was making her body believe that she was pregnant to a point. She has lactated for many years and we always thought it was kind’a weird. Not full baby rearing boobs, but occasionally they would ache and she could pinch her nipples and get a little milk out. Anyways, they just did an ultrasound the other day and found to our dismay, that in fact it was a tumor. They will do tests within the next few weeks and we will know if it is benign or not. She also has a small mass on her liver that has been there for years. We are very afraid. She has not told her mother yet due to her mother’s heart problems. No reason to get her worked up before we know one way or the other. When the doctor thought it was just a cyst attached to her uterus, he was going to do a partial hysterectomy and leave the other ovary so she didn’t do the menopausal hormone thing at her age. Now he wants to go in and biopsy a piece. I have heard too many horror stories of cancer spreading when they mess with a cancerous tumor or organ. They were going to remove everything anyways, so we are going to discuss them just removing the whole thing in one shot and biopsy it once it is out of her, as not to take the risk. Wish us the best and pray for her.
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Procrastinator’s Post
Sorry about the downtime with the blog thing. I usually blog at work and I was off on vacation for close to a month. And no, I didn’t do shit; I was just off of work. It was nice.
I have a weird little mood going. Manic – depressive. Well now that I write it, I guess that ain’t too weird; that is what we are. Deep winter is here now. This is always my worst time of the year. Snow banks that I can’t see over. Bitter cold temps. And with my horrible 4 days of 7am-7pm then 4 nights of 7pm-7am schedule, it is never light outside when I am awake. I honestly don’t see the light of day but a few days a week. That is probably the worst thing possible for a Bipolar person. Plus winter is so very long up here in the UP of Michigan. On the flipside I’ve been manic for a month now. The Seroquel is finding it harder and harder to put me to a good night’s rest. I often think that I am not hitting REM sleep and wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep. Guaranteed If I ran out I wouldn’t sleep much. My mind is constantly turning. I thoughts flood out just about everything. When people talk to me I have to make a conscious effort to pay attention and often that doesn’t help and I have to ask them to start over. My eyes are constantly wide and intense. I find myself dominating conversations and unable to shut-up.
I will say that luckily I haven’t had too much rage that usually wells inside during the manic times. A few days everyone’s voices grated my nerves and I got pissy, but overall I remained calm. I have caught myself at work getting irritated and having to reign in my comments that otherwise would seem crass or even belligerent.
I haven’t had any anxiety attacks since last I blogged and this makes Ash very happy. Man do I hate those.
Work hasn’t been too stressful lately, although I have been gone more than there lately. Not being there usually does wonders for stress levels. LOL.
On the weight scene, I now weigh-in at 173 lbs. I weighed 216 lbs at the start of my diet. That is 43 lbs. I am happy with were I’m at now.
I’m still smoking, but plan to quit for good tomorrow. It is expensive, plus I am sick of the morning cough. I am currently smoking over 2 packs a day. That is how I roll with things; either I don’t do something or I do it to extreme. Tomorrow starts the rest of my life. Hopefully by quitting I don’t get an oral fixation (that didn’t sound right, lol) and start chowing-down. I guess I will have to start chewing more gum.
I have started doing something with my art and fantasy obsession and plan to post pics when I’m complete with my first project. I haven’t played nearly as much poker since I started this project.
I have a weird little mood going. Manic – depressive. Well now that I write it, I guess that ain’t too weird; that is what we are. Deep winter is here now. This is always my worst time of the year. Snow banks that I can’t see over. Bitter cold temps. And with my horrible 4 days of 7am-7pm then 4 nights of 7pm-7am schedule, it is never light outside when I am awake. I honestly don’t see the light of day but a few days a week. That is probably the worst thing possible for a Bipolar person. Plus winter is so very long up here in the UP of Michigan. On the flipside I’ve been manic for a month now. The Seroquel is finding it harder and harder to put me to a good night’s rest. I often think that I am not hitting REM sleep and wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep. Guaranteed If I ran out I wouldn’t sleep much. My mind is constantly turning. I thoughts flood out just about everything. When people talk to me I have to make a conscious effort to pay attention and often that doesn’t help and I have to ask them to start over. My eyes are constantly wide and intense. I find myself dominating conversations and unable to shut-up.
I will say that luckily I haven’t had too much rage that usually wells inside during the manic times. A few days everyone’s voices grated my nerves and I got pissy, but overall I remained calm. I have caught myself at work getting irritated and having to reign in my comments that otherwise would seem crass or even belligerent.
I haven’t had any anxiety attacks since last I blogged and this makes Ash very happy. Man do I hate those.
Work hasn’t been too stressful lately, although I have been gone more than there lately. Not being there usually does wonders for stress levels. LOL.
On the weight scene, I now weigh-in at 173 lbs. I weighed 216 lbs at the start of my diet. That is 43 lbs. I am happy with were I’m at now.
I’m still smoking, but plan to quit for good tomorrow. It is expensive, plus I am sick of the morning cough. I am currently smoking over 2 packs a day. That is how I roll with things; either I don’t do something or I do it to extreme. Tomorrow starts the rest of my life. Hopefully by quitting I don’t get an oral fixation (that didn’t sound right, lol) and start chowing-down. I guess I will have to start chewing more gum.
I have started doing something with my art and fantasy obsession and plan to post pics when I’m complete with my first project. I haven’t played nearly as much poker since I started this project.
Monday, December 31, 2007
YO, YO, YO
I haven’t posted in awhile. I guess it because I am still pretty regulated – on the up side anyways. I will admit that I have been manic though. This last month my mind doesn’t stray far from the poker table. I now have a friend at work that plays online like do and I don’t know how healthy that is for me. You see, now we talk poker hand histories and strategy all the time. He is a new player to the game that I know so well, or think I do anyways. So he is basically my protégé and I am coaching him how to win money as I do. Plus, I have another one who is just starting out online and is depositing this week. They are being lured in by my success at our live games and my online winnings. They see it as a means to make money and ask tons of questions. All this has done is open the Pandora’s box to my love of poker and tilted me towards my manic self. My schoolwork is also suffering from this current enthrallment. I just need to complete 2 essays and I will be done with my current course. I actually competed one yesterday on childhood gender stereotyping, but I have been procrastinating all and all on getting these done. Even though I am manic I’m not too irritable, although loud voices and the children’s roughhousing rakes my nerves. I guess I do get a little agitated at the moment over simple shit, but I am containing my inner rage fairly well. I haven't had any anxiety attacks lately and that makes Ash a happy boy.
I hope everyone had a great holiday season. And don’t get too drunk tonight!!!
Later, Ash out…
I hope everyone had a great holiday season. And don’t get too drunk tonight!!!
Later, Ash out…
Monday, October 29, 2007
Afraid and Alone
OK, I’m totally fucking frazzled. I am currently stressed right the fuck out. For the last 6 months or so I have not been stressed at my job. I confronted my boss back then in front of his/our boss and told how I was treated, how my job was threatened, and how he would cuss and scream in my face. I told them that they say that I am the best sup that they have, so why would he feel the need to treat me that way. I told them that I demanded to be treated with respect. After that meeting my boss didn’t mess with and bully me any longer. Our relationship changed for the better; he just asked me to do something nicely and I would do it. No unneeded tension and I would continue to do a good job, but with less undue stress and to my job and life. I explained that with my disorder I just could deal with the treatment. And through consoling I gained some tools to keep me from ruminating about issues. That was the key to controlling my anger, because I wouldn’t have already thought about minor issues incessantly and get livid over them and soon as the confrontation or meeting would occur I wouldn’t already have endorphins ready to fuel my rage. Well, mister rumination has reared his ugly head again in the last 2 days. I am in full-blown bipolar mania mode. Paranoia and conspiracy theories have dominated my every thought. Now it is time for some background info and the incidents and why I am so worried.
I get a call on my days off from my boss and I’m told that during my last night at work that there was some bad product (board) made and my guys blatantly just didn’t pull (downgrade) those boards and just packaged them up to send out to consumers of our product. He continues to tell me that the next 2 shifts’ personnel (which were 2 different crews) also just said fuck-it and didn’t pull the bad boards either. He told me that they couldn’t get a hold of my guys and that he needed me to keep calling and let them know that they needed to come in the next day on their day off and go back through all that board and pull the bad product. He said that there was a huge meeting to discuss the meeting at 9 am my first day back with everyone directly and indirectly involved in the incident. He said it doesn’t look good and Kurt (Plant Manager) was on the edge. The stress started and ensued for the remainder of my days off.
Here is the underlying issue. In the last 2 months 4 separate major quality issues have happened. A lot of downgrade has been incurred. All of these problems have occurred on the other 2 crews. (A and C Crew) But Kurt has had to answer for all of these to cooperate. With the housing market in the shitter and us being down for production curtailment at least 2 weeks out of every 2 months this year, that we need to produce efficiently when we are up and running. Dave and I (B and D Crew respectively) haven’t had a Quality issue in a year and a half to 2 years. A and C have had tons. After a 2 hr meeting with the hourly workers they left. We 3 Sups, a Relief Sup, the Technical Director (QC Superintendent), the Quality Control Leadman, the Finish End Superintendent, the Plant Superintendent, and the Plant Manager all stayed around to discuss the meeting and the disciplinary measures that in to happen. This management meeting lasted 2 more hours. We talked for a while and then my boss asked me what I thought the discipline should be for these people and then he was going to go around the table and ask everyone else’s opinion. I said that I felt that the meeting that we just had would be good enough and that we as Sups should go back and sit with each individual on our respective crews and reiterate everything that we discussed in the meeting and what we expected of them from then on. He wanted everyone written-up and the disciplinary report go into his or her permanent files. If you get too much negative documentation in your file your employment is terminated. Believe me I know. I said that if it was only one person, that that person made a conscious decision to not do their work or if it was one person that they all got together and decided to not do their jobs. But with it being 15 people over 3 different crews that there has to be some underlying issue at work. I said that they are obviously guilty for not caring but that we needed to look at the big picture here. That the current moral in the mill is very negative with all the hourly workers being laid off every month or so. That everyone is worried about their job security and that we had already lost a handful of people looking for different jobs. I stated that in my opinion that if you wrote-up that many people would perpetuate that moral issue and that we might lose more workers. He didn’t like my opinion and commenced to direct a long rant at me, looking at just me. I told him that I didn’t start this conversation; that I was asked my opinion; and that it wasn’t my fault that he didn’t agree with it. That kind’a pissed him off a bit. The two other Sups wanted write-ups of some sort but didn’t want the negative repercussions that would come from it. One guy would lose a worker because he was on his last leg, but at the same time he didn’t want to keep dealing with his ineptitude. Amazingly my boss agreed with my idea. When it was Kurt’s turn he said that he couldn’t just keep explaining these things to corporate. I understand his concern. He kind’a rolled everyone’s ideas into one and added to it. He said that we should write-up a performance agreement with all involved with some generic statement about what occurred and what we expect of them. He then stated that us Sups should also get one to improve moral. He said that if our guys knew that we got reprimanded for their actions, they would rally to us and do a better job to keep us out of trouble. I said hell no and that was crap. Everyone backed me on that issue. I stated what him and the rest already knew, that I was working on an issue all night and that none of my guys informed me of the bad product, so how could I be held accountable for that. After a long discussion we all decided that my boss and my idea would be best for the big picture. When he got up to leave the meeting he stopped at the door and stated talking about how to explain to corporate that no one was disciple for this blatant act. The QC Leadman and I both said that this meeting and the sit-down with the employees was discipline. He said no what we are going to is write-up a performance agreement with those employees. He didn’t mention writing us up. He left. I said to everyone at the meeting that if he was going to micro manage and do what he wanted anyways why did he waste 2 hrs of our life and take the time to ask us our opinions. All agreed with my statement and said talked about him always treating us like that. Our boss told us to start writing up these agreements. My boss comes by my office later and says that he had talked to Kurt later that morning and he made it sound like he changed his mind again and would likely make us forget about the performance agreement and go ahead and write the all up.
The next morning he came in and said that Kurt had pulled him into his office when he got there and said that they would get written up and that we would also. I was instantly pissed. I told JD (my boss) that it was unfair. That I didn’t know shit about the problem. I then stated A and C had tons of quality issues over the last 2 years and this was Dave and my first problem and how could we get written-up for our first issue when the other 2 Sups had never gotten wrote-up over any of their issues over the 2 years. He said that he agreed but his hands were tied. I told him, which he already was aware of, that I was on my last leg also and with this documentation I possibly could lose my job. He said that he understands and that he was thinking the same thing, but didn’t think that would happen. I fumed all day, totally stressed, until I got a call by JD to come to his office. The Finish End Sup and he were sitting in there when I got there. They informed me that I had possibly been making bad board since 9:30 that morning and that it was out of specs and that the QC Leadman was currently going through them to see how my were bad before they told Kurt the bad news. We waited for his call as we discussed the fact that Kurt was going to snap since he had just had the meeting the day prior and that my QC Tech was pretty much fucked and would likely lose his job. It turned out to be 28 units between that time-span the first one was thick as was the last when it was caught. These units luckily are salvageable with some rework due to the lap being thick. We can run them back through the lap saw and shave them down to the right thickness. While on the FE looking into the issue I dropped by the Lab to talk to the Leadman. I told him what I was told by JD about us getting wrote-up and why I felt is was BS. He told me that he was starting to really worry about his job because it just kept happening. He told me that being the Leadman that he had all the Quality data and would compile all the data about A and C Crew’s quality issues and put it in my in box so I would have hard facts when Dave and I fought our write-ups when our HR manager gets back in town. Soon I got a call to go up front to the conference room. I walked in and my boss, the FE Sup, QC Director and Leadman, and Kurt were waiting for me. We started going over the issue and discussed that it was possibly sabotage. A and C Crew are very disgruntled at the moment because they have been getting written-up for some of these other problems. My Tech caught one of their fuck-ups and in the ensuing meeting they said that they thought B and D Techs were conspiring against them and trying to get them in trouble and also sabotaging them. Well C Crew’s tech was the one that messed up the 4 out of the last 5 times among others, but he was the root cause of the out-of-spec product. He stepped-down to a low-rung day laborer. He has been quite vocal around the mill that he was pressured out of his position and unfairly treated. He is a very vindictive person, has spent time in prison, and has done some bad things in the past at work, and has the mentality to sabotage if he can get away with it. I hope it isn’t the case, but he knows how to change the specs. And he and the A crew tech were both working that day going through the previous bad units. Plus, here’s the clincher; they were the ones that found the problem. Well, it was Friday and all of management was going to be off for the weekend. So Monday they will go through 5 consecutive units at the time he said that he did his checks. If they find any good board at that time he could have checked one of those boards and likely shouldn’t get in too much trouble. If they find some good units and then they get bad we have a whole new set of problems, because there might be some sabotage going on in the mill. I hope for my Tech’s sake that they find at least some good board. Now here is where I might have pissed my boss off. He says to me that he doesn’t know if he can trust my tech at this time because we currently don’t know if it was him that messed-up, so he wants me to “shadow” him over the weekend. I said hold-on a minute and what exactly are they asking of me. Do they want me to make sure that he is doing his checks at the right times or do they want the to put a tape measure and micrometer in my hands and actually double-check all of his measurements. The 2 QC people stepped-up and said that yes that would make them feel better while they are gone for the weekend. I said that I didn’t mind doing my job and give him some extra supervision over the weekend so we all know he is doing his checks, but I wouldn’t check his numbers because that isn’t my job. Kurt asks me what exactly am I trying to say. I said that my job is to supervise not do people’s work for them. I said what if the numbers over the weekend end up out-of-specs, who is going to be held accountable for that? I am, that’s who, I said. I told them that I didn’t need anymore stress in my job or responsibility or accountability. I said that I should have the exact same responsibilities as all 3 other Sup’s. I said that my Tech has done his job for 5 years now and that he is certified to do his job, but I would keep a close eye on him for the weekend. I said, but come next week, anything that you expect out of me, that the other Sup’s better have the same responsibilities because we all have the same job descriptions or otherwise it is discrimination. The meeting pretty much ended right there or real so after. The QC lead and I were told that we could leave. Craig told me that he was sorry for suggesting it outside.
OK, here are the issues that are swimming through my head and stressing me the fuck out. I am on my last leg. My Boss and Kurt repeatedly tell me that I am the best Sup that we have and I meet all my goals every year and no one has ever been hurt in my 5 years running my crew. But, I always have one negative comment every year though. Ash has a problem with professional communication, especially with management. And I admit that I did. I used to just snap in meetings and get red-faced and yell and argue and overall just be a dumbass. Kurt would say that I usually was right or at least had valid points; it was just the way that I expressed those points. I couldn’t help myself sometimes. I now know it was when I was having an episode. Once I was put back on days as a relief Sup for 8 months or so after one of my outbursts, because they said that I was likely stressed due to production concerns, because most of my outbursts were due to downtime issues that I felt I shouldn’t have incurred for whatever reason. Almost losing my job due to my then unknown mental illness and the anger and extreme paranoia is why I originally went to my Dr and asked for happy pills. He gave me anti-depressants, which we later found out was making me more depressed likely. He told me that he wanted me to see a psychiatrist and I said hell no, I’m not crazy dude; I just have an anger problem. Later on I did it again because I couldn’t help myself and almost lost my job again. They told me that they already had enough documentation to but they wanted to work with because I am good at what I do and that my people highly value and respect me. When they put me back on days most of the crew went up front together and said that they didn’t want to lose me as their Sup. Sadly, they said that I did get upset sometimes, but knew when I was in a bad mood and stayed away. Sadly, because people had to walk on egg-shells around me at times, not because they said it. They said that they couldn’t continue to let me act the way that I did and they were going to give me one more chance. I then realized that my meds just weren’t doing it for me so swallowed my pride to support my family, and I called my Dr and asked him to set me up with a shrink. He immediately diagnosed me and started my meds. It has been a long road with my meds. I had to take sick leave twice in the last 2 years for a week or so each time because my meds just weren’t stabilizing me. So basically I have to watch everything that I say now, because I am under a microscope and constant scrutiny. If my comments pissed him off he might try to take my job. I wasn’t argumentative and never raised my voice; I just stated my opinions on what I felt was unfair and biased responsibilities being added to my job. I honestly can’t take the added stress and if all other sups don’t share in my added accountabilities it is in my opinion, unfair and discrimination. C-crew had the same exact thick lap issue a month ago and his Sup was never asked to mic his boards. Because I was once a QC Tech doesn’t give them the right to add it to my job title. I haven’t worked in the lab in 7 years now; I am no longer certified to do those tasks. Anyway I am very worried that he didn’t like me making demands and probably not in front of others. Maybe he will take it as a slight to his authority, because he is like that. It is all about his image.
Here’s some of my conspiracy theories that have been plaguing my thoughts. I was recently offered a job by Kurt. It is like a project manager who uses Lean Six Sigma theory to perform cost saving projects by reducing bottle necks in systems and processes. It is a temporary position lasting 2 to 3 years. It is a gateway job which opens the door to getting high paying corporate positions. He said that who he replaced his current Black Belt with reflects totally on him. He said that only a very few people in the mill had the requirements to perform the tasks of this job. He said that I was likely the smartest person at the mill and had the necessary intellect and skill to perform this job. I talked with him about the position. I would have to travel a lot for training and seminars and giving presentations before small and large groups, and ultimately have to move after 2 or 3 years to Nashville at Corp Headquarters or some other place. I told him that I really appreciated his comments and his faith in my skills and that they were very uplifting and humbling. But I was honest with him and told him that my kids were already established in school here and my wife’s mother was ill and that I couldn’t see her leaving her, so I doubt that I would take the position and uproot my family. I told him that maybe I would take it the next time it opened up in a few years. He told that he had a very short list of other potentials to look at and for me not to make any steadfast decisions yet and just think about it, talk it over with my family, talk it over with Joe (current Black Belt), and get back him at a later date. My life and I decided not to take the offer so I never talked to Joe. I started also to see through the lines here and figured that Joe wanted to stay in town and if a salary job opened up he would have to relocate. Joe is also related in some fashion to Kurt. A week later while checking my mail in the front office he saw me and called me into his office. He tells me that he had decided that I was the one for the job and had I given it any more thought. I once again told him that I didn’t think it was in my current life plan. He said that he was afraid that he had alluded to the fact that I could just patiently wait around to take the job next time. He goes into how our business is doing poorly and that there is no guaranty how long our mill would be around. He goes on to say that the more skills that I have the more options I would have available to me. He tells me that he knew that I hadn’t talked with Joe yet and both of them thought I was a perfect fit for the job. I bet he did! He told me to talk with Joe and my family again and rethink it. Joe came to my office the next day or so and hung-out until everyone left and we talked about it. I didn’t even ask him what he does because I already had a pretty good idea, so instead I told him why I didn’t want the job. He told me that he was feeling the same way. That he was single when he took the job, but now he had a wife and a baby and that he didn’t want to leave the area. He left and I haven’t talked to Kurt about it in the month since.
These are the tumultuous thoughts that are currently scrambling my brain. I have a little paranoid conspiracy theorist gremlin living in my head and he won’t leave me alone. I hope that I don’t have to post that I lost my job in the next few days. We will see.
Later, spazzing Ash out…
I get a call on my days off from my boss and I’m told that during my last night at work that there was some bad product (board) made and my guys blatantly just didn’t pull (downgrade) those boards and just packaged them up to send out to consumers of our product. He continues to tell me that the next 2 shifts’ personnel (which were 2 different crews) also just said fuck-it and didn’t pull the bad boards either. He told me that they couldn’t get a hold of my guys and that he needed me to keep calling and let them know that they needed to come in the next day on their day off and go back through all that board and pull the bad product. He said that there was a huge meeting to discuss the meeting at 9 am my first day back with everyone directly and indirectly involved in the incident. He said it doesn’t look good and Kurt (Plant Manager) was on the edge. The stress started and ensued for the remainder of my days off.
Here is the underlying issue. In the last 2 months 4 separate major quality issues have happened. A lot of downgrade has been incurred. All of these problems have occurred on the other 2 crews. (A and C Crew) But Kurt has had to answer for all of these to cooperate. With the housing market in the shitter and us being down for production curtailment at least 2 weeks out of every 2 months this year, that we need to produce efficiently when we are up and running. Dave and I (B and D Crew respectively) haven’t had a Quality issue in a year and a half to 2 years. A and C have had tons. After a 2 hr meeting with the hourly workers they left. We 3 Sups, a Relief Sup, the Technical Director (QC Superintendent), the Quality Control Leadman, the Finish End Superintendent, the Plant Superintendent, and the Plant Manager all stayed around to discuss the meeting and the disciplinary measures that in to happen. This management meeting lasted 2 more hours. We talked for a while and then my boss asked me what I thought the discipline should be for these people and then he was going to go around the table and ask everyone else’s opinion. I said that I felt that the meeting that we just had would be good enough and that we as Sups should go back and sit with each individual on our respective crews and reiterate everything that we discussed in the meeting and what we expected of them from then on. He wanted everyone written-up and the disciplinary report go into his or her permanent files. If you get too much negative documentation in your file your employment is terminated. Believe me I know. I said that if it was only one person, that that person made a conscious decision to not do their work or if it was one person that they all got together and decided to not do their jobs. But with it being 15 people over 3 different crews that there has to be some underlying issue at work. I said that they are obviously guilty for not caring but that we needed to look at the big picture here. That the current moral in the mill is very negative with all the hourly workers being laid off every month or so. That everyone is worried about their job security and that we had already lost a handful of people looking for different jobs. I stated that in my opinion that if you wrote-up that many people would perpetuate that moral issue and that we might lose more workers. He didn’t like my opinion and commenced to direct a long rant at me, looking at just me. I told him that I didn’t start this conversation; that I was asked my opinion; and that it wasn’t my fault that he didn’t agree with it. That kind’a pissed him off a bit. The two other Sups wanted write-ups of some sort but didn’t want the negative repercussions that would come from it. One guy would lose a worker because he was on his last leg, but at the same time he didn’t want to keep dealing with his ineptitude. Amazingly my boss agreed with my idea. When it was Kurt’s turn he said that he couldn’t just keep explaining these things to corporate. I understand his concern. He kind’a rolled everyone’s ideas into one and added to it. He said that we should write-up a performance agreement with all involved with some generic statement about what occurred and what we expect of them. He then stated that us Sups should also get one to improve moral. He said that if our guys knew that we got reprimanded for their actions, they would rally to us and do a better job to keep us out of trouble. I said hell no and that was crap. Everyone backed me on that issue. I stated what him and the rest already knew, that I was working on an issue all night and that none of my guys informed me of the bad product, so how could I be held accountable for that. After a long discussion we all decided that my boss and my idea would be best for the big picture. When he got up to leave the meeting he stopped at the door and stated talking about how to explain to corporate that no one was disciple for this blatant act. The QC Leadman and I both said that this meeting and the sit-down with the employees was discipline. He said no what we are going to is write-up a performance agreement with those employees. He didn’t mention writing us up. He left. I said to everyone at the meeting that if he was going to micro manage and do what he wanted anyways why did he waste 2 hrs of our life and take the time to ask us our opinions. All agreed with my statement and said talked about him always treating us like that. Our boss told us to start writing up these agreements. My boss comes by my office later and says that he had talked to Kurt later that morning and he made it sound like he changed his mind again and would likely make us forget about the performance agreement and go ahead and write the all up.
The next morning he came in and said that Kurt had pulled him into his office when he got there and said that they would get written up and that we would also. I was instantly pissed. I told JD (my boss) that it was unfair. That I didn’t know shit about the problem. I then stated A and C had tons of quality issues over the last 2 years and this was Dave and my first problem and how could we get written-up for our first issue when the other 2 Sups had never gotten wrote-up over any of their issues over the 2 years. He said that he agreed but his hands were tied. I told him, which he already was aware of, that I was on my last leg also and with this documentation I possibly could lose my job. He said that he understands and that he was thinking the same thing, but didn’t think that would happen. I fumed all day, totally stressed, until I got a call by JD to come to his office. The Finish End Sup and he were sitting in there when I got there. They informed me that I had possibly been making bad board since 9:30 that morning and that it was out of specs and that the QC Leadman was currently going through them to see how my were bad before they told Kurt the bad news. We waited for his call as we discussed the fact that Kurt was going to snap since he had just had the meeting the day prior and that my QC Tech was pretty much fucked and would likely lose his job. It turned out to be 28 units between that time-span the first one was thick as was the last when it was caught. These units luckily are salvageable with some rework due to the lap being thick. We can run them back through the lap saw and shave them down to the right thickness. While on the FE looking into the issue I dropped by the Lab to talk to the Leadman. I told him what I was told by JD about us getting wrote-up and why I felt is was BS. He told me that he was starting to really worry about his job because it just kept happening. He told me that being the Leadman that he had all the Quality data and would compile all the data about A and C Crew’s quality issues and put it in my in box so I would have hard facts when Dave and I fought our write-ups when our HR manager gets back in town. Soon I got a call to go up front to the conference room. I walked in and my boss, the FE Sup, QC Director and Leadman, and Kurt were waiting for me. We started going over the issue and discussed that it was possibly sabotage. A and C Crew are very disgruntled at the moment because they have been getting written-up for some of these other problems. My Tech caught one of their fuck-ups and in the ensuing meeting they said that they thought B and D Techs were conspiring against them and trying to get them in trouble and also sabotaging them. Well C Crew’s tech was the one that messed up the 4 out of the last 5 times among others, but he was the root cause of the out-of-spec product. He stepped-down to a low-rung day laborer. He has been quite vocal around the mill that he was pressured out of his position and unfairly treated. He is a very vindictive person, has spent time in prison, and has done some bad things in the past at work, and has the mentality to sabotage if he can get away with it. I hope it isn’t the case, but he knows how to change the specs. And he and the A crew tech were both working that day going through the previous bad units. Plus, here’s the clincher; they were the ones that found the problem. Well, it was Friday and all of management was going to be off for the weekend. So Monday they will go through 5 consecutive units at the time he said that he did his checks. If they find any good board at that time he could have checked one of those boards and likely shouldn’t get in too much trouble. If they find some good units and then they get bad we have a whole new set of problems, because there might be some sabotage going on in the mill. I hope for my Tech’s sake that they find at least some good board. Now here is where I might have pissed my boss off. He says to me that he doesn’t know if he can trust my tech at this time because we currently don’t know if it was him that messed-up, so he wants me to “shadow” him over the weekend. I said hold-on a minute and what exactly are they asking of me. Do they want me to make sure that he is doing his checks at the right times or do they want the to put a tape measure and micrometer in my hands and actually double-check all of his measurements. The 2 QC people stepped-up and said that yes that would make them feel better while they are gone for the weekend. I said that I didn’t mind doing my job and give him some extra supervision over the weekend so we all know he is doing his checks, but I wouldn’t check his numbers because that isn’t my job. Kurt asks me what exactly am I trying to say. I said that my job is to supervise not do people’s work for them. I said what if the numbers over the weekend end up out-of-specs, who is going to be held accountable for that? I am, that’s who, I said. I told them that I didn’t need anymore stress in my job or responsibility or accountability. I said that I should have the exact same responsibilities as all 3 other Sup’s. I said that my Tech has done his job for 5 years now and that he is certified to do his job, but I would keep a close eye on him for the weekend. I said, but come next week, anything that you expect out of me, that the other Sup’s better have the same responsibilities because we all have the same job descriptions or otherwise it is discrimination. The meeting pretty much ended right there or real so after. The QC lead and I were told that we could leave. Craig told me that he was sorry for suggesting it outside.
OK, here are the issues that are swimming through my head and stressing me the fuck out. I am on my last leg. My Boss and Kurt repeatedly tell me that I am the best Sup that we have and I meet all my goals every year and no one has ever been hurt in my 5 years running my crew. But, I always have one negative comment every year though. Ash has a problem with professional communication, especially with management. And I admit that I did. I used to just snap in meetings and get red-faced and yell and argue and overall just be a dumbass. Kurt would say that I usually was right or at least had valid points; it was just the way that I expressed those points. I couldn’t help myself sometimes. I now know it was when I was having an episode. Once I was put back on days as a relief Sup for 8 months or so after one of my outbursts, because they said that I was likely stressed due to production concerns, because most of my outbursts were due to downtime issues that I felt I shouldn’t have incurred for whatever reason. Almost losing my job due to my then unknown mental illness and the anger and extreme paranoia is why I originally went to my Dr and asked for happy pills. He gave me anti-depressants, which we later found out was making me more depressed likely. He told me that he wanted me to see a psychiatrist and I said hell no, I’m not crazy dude; I just have an anger problem. Later on I did it again because I couldn’t help myself and almost lost my job again. They told me that they already had enough documentation to but they wanted to work with because I am good at what I do and that my people highly value and respect me. When they put me back on days most of the crew went up front together and said that they didn’t want to lose me as their Sup. Sadly, they said that I did get upset sometimes, but knew when I was in a bad mood and stayed away. Sadly, because people had to walk on egg-shells around me at times, not because they said it. They said that they couldn’t continue to let me act the way that I did and they were going to give me one more chance. I then realized that my meds just weren’t doing it for me so swallowed my pride to support my family, and I called my Dr and asked him to set me up with a shrink. He immediately diagnosed me and started my meds. It has been a long road with my meds. I had to take sick leave twice in the last 2 years for a week or so each time because my meds just weren’t stabilizing me. So basically I have to watch everything that I say now, because I am under a microscope and constant scrutiny. If my comments pissed him off he might try to take my job. I wasn’t argumentative and never raised my voice; I just stated my opinions on what I felt was unfair and biased responsibilities being added to my job. I honestly can’t take the added stress and if all other sups don’t share in my added accountabilities it is in my opinion, unfair and discrimination. C-crew had the same exact thick lap issue a month ago and his Sup was never asked to mic his boards. Because I was once a QC Tech doesn’t give them the right to add it to my job title. I haven’t worked in the lab in 7 years now; I am no longer certified to do those tasks. Anyway I am very worried that he didn’t like me making demands and probably not in front of others. Maybe he will take it as a slight to his authority, because he is like that. It is all about his image.
Here’s some of my conspiracy theories that have been plaguing my thoughts. I was recently offered a job by Kurt. It is like a project manager who uses Lean Six Sigma theory to perform cost saving projects by reducing bottle necks in systems and processes. It is a temporary position lasting 2 to 3 years. It is a gateway job which opens the door to getting high paying corporate positions. He said that who he replaced his current Black Belt with reflects totally on him. He said that only a very few people in the mill had the requirements to perform the tasks of this job. He said that I was likely the smartest person at the mill and had the necessary intellect and skill to perform this job. I talked with him about the position. I would have to travel a lot for training and seminars and giving presentations before small and large groups, and ultimately have to move after 2 or 3 years to Nashville at Corp Headquarters or some other place. I told him that I really appreciated his comments and his faith in my skills and that they were very uplifting and humbling. But I was honest with him and told him that my kids were already established in school here and my wife’s mother was ill and that I couldn’t see her leaving her, so I doubt that I would take the position and uproot my family. I told him that maybe I would take it the next time it opened up in a few years. He told that he had a very short list of other potentials to look at and for me not to make any steadfast decisions yet and just think about it, talk it over with my family, talk it over with Joe (current Black Belt), and get back him at a later date. My life and I decided not to take the offer so I never talked to Joe. I started also to see through the lines here and figured that Joe wanted to stay in town and if a salary job opened up he would have to relocate. Joe is also related in some fashion to Kurt. A week later while checking my mail in the front office he saw me and called me into his office. He tells me that he had decided that I was the one for the job and had I given it any more thought. I once again told him that I didn’t think it was in my current life plan. He said that he was afraid that he had alluded to the fact that I could just patiently wait around to take the job next time. He goes into how our business is doing poorly and that there is no guaranty how long our mill would be around. He goes on to say that the more skills that I have the more options I would have available to me. He tells me that he knew that I hadn’t talked with Joe yet and both of them thought I was a perfect fit for the job. I bet he did! He told me to talk with Joe and my family again and rethink it. Joe came to my office the next day or so and hung-out until everyone left and we talked about it. I didn’t even ask him what he does because I already had a pretty good idea, so instead I told him why I didn’t want the job. He told me that he was feeling the same way. That he was single when he took the job, but now he had a wife and a baby and that he didn’t want to leave the area. He left and I haven’t talked to Kurt about it in the month since.
These are the tumultuous thoughts that are currently scrambling my brain. I have a little paranoid conspiracy theorist gremlin living in my head and he won’t leave me alone. I hope that I don’t have to post that I lost my job in the next few days. We will see.
Later, spazzing Ash out…
Monday, July 23, 2007
A Little Prick
Hey all. I am a little manic. I am having flights of thoughts racing through my gray matter. I am very talkative. I am alternating between happiness and irritation. I am a little touchy with dumb questions. My head almost feels tingly…or maybe that was all that crack I smoked. I can’t get cards out of my head at the moment.
I am proud of myself. After over a year of avoiding going in and getting my bloodwork done, and after going to the Dr and getting told to do it again, to which I have avoided it another month, I finally went in and did it. It wasn’t easy I’m telling you. I had to fast for twelve hrs, which I did while on night shift. That sucked. Being awake for twelve hrs and not eating anything truly is torture. Especially with the guys I work with. Knowing that I was fasting, they came in and ate in front of me and picked on me relentlessly. Plus since I divulged my fear of needles to them, they told me horrors stories and ridiculed me all night. What asses. Good natured, but it still sucked. I went in in the morning and as I sat waiting I started sweating, breathing heavy and having racing thoughts. I was light headed when I got up to follow the nurse. When we got in I was almost in a frenzied state. I told myself that I was just going to shut-up and go through with it, but I just couldn’t. I told her that I was very fearful of needles and if there was an easy way of doing it hat I would much appreciate that treatment. I felt like such a puss. I told her that I knew it was irrational to be scared but that I just couldn’t help it. She was very nice and coddled her little crybaby like I was a fragile toddler. She went back and forth between both arms trying to find a good vein so she didn’t have to dig me. She put it in and it didn’t even hurt. I felt like such a punk. God, what is wrong with me? I’m a grown damn man. Anyways it is over and I dealt with it
I am proud of myself. After over a year of avoiding going in and getting my bloodwork done, and after going to the Dr and getting told to do it again, to which I have avoided it another month, I finally went in and did it. It wasn’t easy I’m telling you. I had to fast for twelve hrs, which I did while on night shift. That sucked. Being awake for twelve hrs and not eating anything truly is torture. Especially with the guys I work with. Knowing that I was fasting, they came in and ate in front of me and picked on me relentlessly. Plus since I divulged my fear of needles to them, they told me horrors stories and ridiculed me all night. What asses. Good natured, but it still sucked. I went in in the morning and as I sat waiting I started sweating, breathing heavy and having racing thoughts. I was light headed when I got up to follow the nurse. When we got in I was almost in a frenzied state. I told myself that I was just going to shut-up and go through with it, but I just couldn’t. I told her that I was very fearful of needles and if there was an easy way of doing it hat I would much appreciate that treatment. I felt like such a puss. I told her that I knew it was irrational to be scared but that I just couldn’t help it. She was very nice and coddled her little crybaby like I was a fragile toddler. She went back and forth between both arms trying to find a good vein so she didn’t have to dig me. She put it in and it didn’t even hurt. I felt like such a punk. God, what is wrong with me? I’m a grown damn man. Anyways it is over and I dealt with it
Monday, May 28, 2007
A Week's Worth of This and That
I have been in a weird place this week. I don’t really know how to describe it. I just am. I’m not depressed and I’m not overtly happy. I just am. I actually feel normal at the moment. I do kind of feel mania in the back corners of my mind wanting to be released.
I have been neglectful in my med maintenance; I let my Lamictal run out and didn’t get it filled for a few days. I just got in back yesterday and already I have forgotten to take it once. I took my morning dose and forgot to take my night dose. I don’t know what this is all about, but I need to remedy it before it becomes a habit.
I haven’t listened to the stress relief CD’s yet. I burned myself copies yet haven’t taken the time to listen to them. I have to go see my P-doc on Weds and I will have to admit this or lie; I haven’t quite decided which to do yet. I lost my appointment card so I will have to call for the time. Thurs I have my T-doc appointment. I’m guessing he will totally remove me from the Risperdal. That will leave me with Lamictal and Seroquel. I can live with that. Now that I think about it, since the reduction of Risperdal I have been feeling normalcy to a certain extent. Likely just a coincident. I’m pretty sure of it.
I feel poker wanting to comeback into the picture fiercely. It really makes no sense to me. All winter while it was shitty out and playing countless hrs of online poker would seem a typical escape I didn’t have the urge whatsoever – or barely anyways. Yet now when it is beautiful outside and I should be out frolicking in the wildflowers I feel the twinge of gambling entering my thoughts more and more. I have just this past week put in more time at it than in the month prior. Luckily I have always used bankroll management and have none of our money online; I play with profits, having long-since taken my seed money off the internet. In don’t mind really that I will be playing more soon, it’s just that it seems to have arrived at the wrong time of the year. I will try to manage my time during this foray into my poker realm and spent most normal hrs with my family and not neglect them for the sweet shimmer of the computer screen. I will not get back into that mode where I am in my own little world although it is calling stronger day by day. At least this time I know what’s happening and won’t let it take total control.
I am ashamed to say that I have possibly neglected my health. I had a 6 month check-up slip come in the mail months ago. And I do mean months ago. I was put on meds due to high cholesterol. Due to my BP meds and the horrible over-eating that ensued. But the BP meds and the cholesterol possible could hard my liver. So I was supposed to wait like 6 to 8 weeks and get my liver function checked just to be safe. I am embarrassed to say that I am afraid to needles. I hate giving blood. It is a real phobia for me. I don’t know why I am so fearful of a fucking little poke, but sadly that is the case. I have a panic attack every time, but I deal with it long enough for them to draw blood. They often ask if I will be alright. I dread it so bad that I didn’t get my liver function checked of my cholesterol. The last time that I gave blood they gave me a young check likely still training and she poked me 3 times and dug around in my arm for a few excruciating minutes. But this week I am going to make that appointment and get my bloodwork done. It is truly irrational, I know, but for some reason I have this fear. When I was a child the uncle that I lived with for a while always stated that he was afraid of needles. I wonder if something as simple as your elder expressing fear could evolve subconsciously into a phobia for a youngster. I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’m going to schedule bloodwork and a Dr’s appointment this week. Pray for me LOL. I'm such a puss.
I lost another 3lbs this last week. I now weigh-in at 202lbs. That’s 14lbs in month 1. I am pretty happy with that. 3 more pounds and I will be in the 100’s. That shows me that my eating habits were horrid. I haven’t exercised yet. That means that I was merely over-eating. I’m not obsessing and eating healthy either. I am just pushing the plate away with a little caloric goodness still sitting unconsumed on it. I have been taking healthier snacks to work more often than not though: yogurt and fruit. I still buy my beloved pretzels on occasion. So really I have just calmed down my consumption. That is good enough for me for right now. I am proud.
I have been neglectful in my med maintenance; I let my Lamictal run out and didn’t get it filled for a few days. I just got in back yesterday and already I have forgotten to take it once. I took my morning dose and forgot to take my night dose. I don’t know what this is all about, but I need to remedy it before it becomes a habit.
I haven’t listened to the stress relief CD’s yet. I burned myself copies yet haven’t taken the time to listen to them. I have to go see my P-doc on Weds and I will have to admit this or lie; I haven’t quite decided which to do yet. I lost my appointment card so I will have to call for the time. Thurs I have my T-doc appointment. I’m guessing he will totally remove me from the Risperdal. That will leave me with Lamictal and Seroquel. I can live with that. Now that I think about it, since the reduction of Risperdal I have been feeling normalcy to a certain extent. Likely just a coincident. I’m pretty sure of it.
I feel poker wanting to comeback into the picture fiercely. It really makes no sense to me. All winter while it was shitty out and playing countless hrs of online poker would seem a typical escape I didn’t have the urge whatsoever – or barely anyways. Yet now when it is beautiful outside and I should be out frolicking in the wildflowers I feel the twinge of gambling entering my thoughts more and more. I have just this past week put in more time at it than in the month prior. Luckily I have always used bankroll management and have none of our money online; I play with profits, having long-since taken my seed money off the internet. In don’t mind really that I will be playing more soon, it’s just that it seems to have arrived at the wrong time of the year. I will try to manage my time during this foray into my poker realm and spent most normal hrs with my family and not neglect them for the sweet shimmer of the computer screen. I will not get back into that mode where I am in my own little world although it is calling stronger day by day. At least this time I know what’s happening and won’t let it take total control.
I am ashamed to say that I have possibly neglected my health. I had a 6 month check-up slip come in the mail months ago. And I do mean months ago. I was put on meds due to high cholesterol. Due to my BP meds and the horrible over-eating that ensued. But the BP meds and the cholesterol possible could hard my liver. So I was supposed to wait like 6 to 8 weeks and get my liver function checked just to be safe. I am embarrassed to say that I am afraid to needles. I hate giving blood. It is a real phobia for me. I don’t know why I am so fearful of a fucking little poke, but sadly that is the case. I have a panic attack every time, but I deal with it long enough for them to draw blood. They often ask if I will be alright. I dread it so bad that I didn’t get my liver function checked of my cholesterol. The last time that I gave blood they gave me a young check likely still training and she poked me 3 times and dug around in my arm for a few excruciating minutes. But this week I am going to make that appointment and get my bloodwork done. It is truly irrational, I know, but for some reason I have this fear. When I was a child the uncle that I lived with for a while always stated that he was afraid of needles. I wonder if something as simple as your elder expressing fear could evolve subconsciously into a phobia for a youngster. I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’m going to schedule bloodwork and a Dr’s appointment this week. Pray for me LOL. I'm such a puss.
I lost another 3lbs this last week. I now weigh-in at 202lbs. That’s 14lbs in month 1. I am pretty happy with that. 3 more pounds and I will be in the 100’s. That shows me that my eating habits were horrid. I haven’t exercised yet. That means that I was merely over-eating. I’m not obsessing and eating healthy either. I am just pushing the plate away with a little caloric goodness still sitting unconsumed on it. I have been taking healthier snacks to work more often than not though: yogurt and fruit. I still buy my beloved pretzels on occasion. So really I have just calmed down my consumption. That is good enough for me for right now. I am proud.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Just When I Thought I Was Out... They Pull Me Back In
Did You even know that there was such a thing as bipolar remission?
That article was the result of searching for how I felt.
Remission. I feel like I am in remission.
There is so much online about remission. I knew it wasn't in my head. Remission really IS what I am going through.
One site said: Bipolar disorder may involve long periods of remission between episodes. Everyone can be lulled into a false sense of security. This fosters denial of the illness and premature medication cessation.
Wow!
Wait, now remission means it could come back. Hmmmm, I guess it's too early to tell if I'm in remission or if I healed myself. My goal is to heal myself, so I'll keep ya posted.
Anyway, I feel great to know this, like I'm more aware and have been given a heads up on an assassin that may try to get me. Or maybe I watch too much Law & Order.
So grateful for info available on the Internet.
Click on Butterfly’s above post to visit her blog. She has some links to sites about BP remission hyperlinked into the same post on her site.
This is exactly how my week has gone. I wasn’t overly happy or anything. I wasn’t overly sad. I functioned with out animosity for the world. I wasn’t affected by noise. My nerves weren’t grated. Humans didn’t seem inferior to my omnipotence. I wasn’t irrational and irritated. I guess you would call it normalcy. I was a lukewarm normal person. I was feeling fine and that was fine by me. I actually started to think that maybe I was regulated somehow. Was it the Omega 3 fish oil that I just started taking? Was it the fact that I wasn’t stuffing myself like a plucked turkey? Was I maybe not really bipolar anymore?
Then came Friday. I awoke to a world of inferior lifeforms that didn’t deserve to be in my almighty presence. Them merely talking among themselves in the living room down the hall was aggravating. Just shut the fuck up. Do you always have to talk I thought? It still didn’t dawn on me that I was being irrational. I got up went into the living room. I got on my computer lifeline. Within 5 min I had already told my children to calm down. Hey be quiet. What don’t we get about be fucking quiet. Stop running all around. I’m not being cranky Ash-wife, they aren’t listening. My mom comes over. Mom you are really aggravating the shit out of me I think. I am very short with her. She is making no sense. She is having a bad day mentally and being totally irrational. She is saying stupid senseless shit that has me on edge. I still don’t really get that I am different. Everyone is making me this way. It isn’t me. I am starting to have an anxiety attack as mom is being irrational. She is ready to leave. She sees that I am in a mood. Dad pulls into the yard. I hug her bye and watch her go out the door. She pops her head back in and says that dad said to tell me that he just caught a big fish. I succinctly and curtly say that’s nice, later, bye. As an afterthought a min later I realize that it wouldn’t be nice to not say hi to dad. I walk out to the truck and say hi and bye, really just wanting them to leave.
Ash-wife tells me that I’m being really mean and short as I walk back in. That I have treated her like shit and the kids like shit since I got up and that I just treated my mom like a piece of shit. It just dawns on me that she is totally right. I am having an episode for the first time in close to a week. Normalcy over. Asshole endured and overcame the fight with remission. Remission you ain’t shit. WaHaHaHa. What were you thinking? That you were a nice person that thought everyone’s thoughts and opinions were just as important as your own. PO’leeze, the world should just be happy that you are in it. You are fucked and defective. Didn’t you know that. You are bipolar. Now deal with it. I tell her that I can’t help it and that didn’t really even realize that I was being that way until she just pointed it out. She asked if there was anything that I could take to calm myself. I told her no but that it was time for my night meds. She said that she was really worried about me going to work that night. She was afraid I was going to continue on my current path of destruction. I told her that there wasn’t anything that I could do, no one to call to cover for me, that I would just have to ride it out. I said lets hope that I have an easy night with no problems so I could stay in my office and not be put in any situations that I had to make snappy decisions. I am calmer as I get ready for work. I think it was due to being aware that I was in a pert mood.
At work I am a little short with my press guys that live in the larger office outside my office. They tell me that I have the crazy eyes going. I try to calm myself. I do. Then I get a call that a machine had broken badly. I put on my radio and head to the problem. I take an assessment and the prognosis wasn’t the greatest. I supervise as my guys work on the situation. I am acutely attuned to every aspect of their job and what they are working on. It was almost like the world was in slow motion. I saw where I could jump in and do things that they were taking too long doing. But hey, when you are on the outside looking in you can see things clearer; it’s not necessarily that I was superior, although it felt that way. I caught myself before I griped at some of the things that they were doing. I was kind of getting a little work-up as I watched. I decided to remove myself from the situation for a minute and let them handle themselves. I am proud of myself for doing this. I took a walk around the facility and cleared my head as I told myself that they were doing a good job; they actually were doing a good job, but my BP was on over-critical mode. I went back and held myself together. I was worked up to the point of running my mouth again in around 20 min because they were checking over the whole machine and taking a long time doing it. Just as I am ready to ruin the moral of my people they buttoned everything up and were ready to rock. I tell everyone good job and that they had done it well with a faked smile. Later we had another problem. This time one of my guys wasn’t very observant and overlooked that there was a problem. He tried to manually run the machine and jammed everything tight ass hell and turned a 10 min problem into a 45 min problem. This time I jumped right in there and helped out because I could see that they were trying to fix it the hard way and that it would have took a long time. As I ran the team I was very positive and didn’t treat anyone adversely. We got finished and I told everyone good job. I then sat with the guys that normally would fix the problem and ran through the whole scenario and taught them how to do it the right way. I told them that we all make mistakes and that even though what happened sucked for all of us, that as long as we learned from the situation, that it would make us stronger, and that I was happy. I was happy with the way I handled the second problem outwardly and emotionally. I didn’t have an anxiety attack – not even slightly. The first problem, I treated everyone well, but inside I was tilting. The second problem I didn’t feel any anxiety even though I jumped in and helped.
I might actually be beginning to get a slight handle on my anger and unfavorable emotions. But I need to get a higher sensitivity to my feelings and emotions; they are a muddled language that is very cryptic and difficult for me to unravel. I just don’t really see it until I hit maximum overdrive. I need to find a way to get more attuned to my inner self sooner so I can repress my ferocity, irritability, and arrogance before it is outwardly noticeable. That is the ultimate goal of the moment. I am afraid that if Ash-wife wouldn’t have pointed my mood out to me that I would have mistreated people that didn’t deserve it. You never know, I might even have had that catastrophic blow-up that ends my current career. Hopefully that day doesn’t come; I have been trying so hard to keep that at bay.
That article was the result of searching for how I felt.
Remission. I feel like I am in remission.
There is so much online about remission. I knew it wasn't in my head. Remission really IS what I am going through.
One site said: Bipolar disorder may involve long periods of remission between episodes. Everyone can be lulled into a false sense of security. This fosters denial of the illness and premature medication cessation.
Wow!
Wait, now remission means it could come back. Hmmmm, I guess it's too early to tell if I'm in remission or if I healed myself. My goal is to heal myself, so I'll keep ya posted.
Anyway, I feel great to know this, like I'm more aware and have been given a heads up on an assassin that may try to get me. Or maybe I watch too much Law & Order.
So grateful for info available on the Internet.
Click on Butterfly’s above post to visit her blog. She has some links to sites about BP remission hyperlinked into the same post on her site.
This is exactly how my week has gone. I wasn’t overly happy or anything. I wasn’t overly sad. I functioned with out animosity for the world. I wasn’t affected by noise. My nerves weren’t grated. Humans didn’t seem inferior to my omnipotence. I wasn’t irrational and irritated. I guess you would call it normalcy. I was a lukewarm normal person. I was feeling fine and that was fine by me. I actually started to think that maybe I was regulated somehow. Was it the Omega 3 fish oil that I just started taking? Was it the fact that I wasn’t stuffing myself like a plucked turkey? Was I maybe not really bipolar anymore?
Then came Friday. I awoke to a world of inferior lifeforms that didn’t deserve to be in my almighty presence. Them merely talking among themselves in the living room down the hall was aggravating. Just shut the fuck up. Do you always have to talk I thought? It still didn’t dawn on me that I was being irrational. I got up went into the living room. I got on my computer lifeline. Within 5 min I had already told my children to calm down. Hey be quiet. What don’t we get about be fucking quiet. Stop running all around. I’m not being cranky Ash-wife, they aren’t listening. My mom comes over. Mom you are really aggravating the shit out of me I think. I am very short with her. She is making no sense. She is having a bad day mentally and being totally irrational. She is saying stupid senseless shit that has me on edge. I still don’t really get that I am different. Everyone is making me this way. It isn’t me. I am starting to have an anxiety attack as mom is being irrational. She is ready to leave. She sees that I am in a mood. Dad pulls into the yard. I hug her bye and watch her go out the door. She pops her head back in and says that dad said to tell me that he just caught a big fish. I succinctly and curtly say that’s nice, later, bye. As an afterthought a min later I realize that it wouldn’t be nice to not say hi to dad. I walk out to the truck and say hi and bye, really just wanting them to leave.
Ash-wife tells me that I’m being really mean and short as I walk back in. That I have treated her like shit and the kids like shit since I got up and that I just treated my mom like a piece of shit. It just dawns on me that she is totally right. I am having an episode for the first time in close to a week. Normalcy over. Asshole endured and overcame the fight with remission. Remission you ain’t shit. WaHaHaHa. What were you thinking? That you were a nice person that thought everyone’s thoughts and opinions were just as important as your own. PO’leeze, the world should just be happy that you are in it. You are fucked and defective. Didn’t you know that. You are bipolar. Now deal with it. I tell her that I can’t help it and that didn’t really even realize that I was being that way until she just pointed it out. She asked if there was anything that I could take to calm myself. I told her no but that it was time for my night meds. She said that she was really worried about me going to work that night. She was afraid I was going to continue on my current path of destruction. I told her that there wasn’t anything that I could do, no one to call to cover for me, that I would just have to ride it out. I said lets hope that I have an easy night with no problems so I could stay in my office and not be put in any situations that I had to make snappy decisions. I am calmer as I get ready for work. I think it was due to being aware that I was in a pert mood.
At work I am a little short with my press guys that live in the larger office outside my office. They tell me that I have the crazy eyes going. I try to calm myself. I do. Then I get a call that a machine had broken badly. I put on my radio and head to the problem. I take an assessment and the prognosis wasn’t the greatest. I supervise as my guys work on the situation. I am acutely attuned to every aspect of their job and what they are working on. It was almost like the world was in slow motion. I saw where I could jump in and do things that they were taking too long doing. But hey, when you are on the outside looking in you can see things clearer; it’s not necessarily that I was superior, although it felt that way. I caught myself before I griped at some of the things that they were doing. I was kind of getting a little work-up as I watched. I decided to remove myself from the situation for a minute and let them handle themselves. I am proud of myself for doing this. I took a walk around the facility and cleared my head as I told myself that they were doing a good job; they actually were doing a good job, but my BP was on over-critical mode. I went back and held myself together. I was worked up to the point of running my mouth again in around 20 min because they were checking over the whole machine and taking a long time doing it. Just as I am ready to ruin the moral of my people they buttoned everything up and were ready to rock. I tell everyone good job and that they had done it well with a faked smile. Later we had another problem. This time one of my guys wasn’t very observant and overlooked that there was a problem. He tried to manually run the machine and jammed everything tight ass hell and turned a 10 min problem into a 45 min problem. This time I jumped right in there and helped out because I could see that they were trying to fix it the hard way and that it would have took a long time. As I ran the team I was very positive and didn’t treat anyone adversely. We got finished and I told everyone good job. I then sat with the guys that normally would fix the problem and ran through the whole scenario and taught them how to do it the right way. I told them that we all make mistakes and that even though what happened sucked for all of us, that as long as we learned from the situation, that it would make us stronger, and that I was happy. I was happy with the way I handled the second problem outwardly and emotionally. I didn’t have an anxiety attack – not even slightly. The first problem, I treated everyone well, but inside I was tilting. The second problem I didn’t feel any anxiety even though I jumped in and helped.
I might actually be beginning to get a slight handle on my anger and unfavorable emotions. But I need to get a higher sensitivity to my feelings and emotions; they are a muddled language that is very cryptic and difficult for me to unravel. I just don’t really see it until I hit maximum overdrive. I need to find a way to get more attuned to my inner self sooner so I can repress my ferocity, irritability, and arrogance before it is outwardly noticeable. That is the ultimate goal of the moment. I am afraid that if Ash-wife wouldn’t have pointed my mood out to me that I would have mistreated people that didn’t deserve it. You never know, I might even have had that catastrophic blow-up that ends my current career. Hopefully that day doesn’t come; I have been trying so hard to keep that at bay.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Still Angry at Times
I called off my T-doc appointment due to a serious head cold. This is the first time I’ve been sick in like 2 years so I can’t really complain too much.
I’m still having a little trouble controlling my rage. I have been getting a little irritated with the kids. Often their voices dig into my brain. I’m a little short here and there, but overall I’m pretty nice. I did scream very loud at Ash-boy last night. He kept shooting me with a toy gun and we were playing. I told him to stop because I was sick of getting shot. I then went into my bedroom and laid down for bed and to watch some TV. He stopped for a few min, but then he kept coming in my room and pointing it in my face and acting like he was going to shoot me in the face. I told him to stop repeatedly to no avail. I then told him I wasn’t playing anymore, but he kept it up. Finally I snapped and screamed very aggressively at him. All I saw was red. I would have thrown something at him if I was holding something at the time. I know I would have. It would have been totally wrong, but I know I would have. So I realize that I still have a long way to go with this insta-rage. I hope that there is a way to quell this problem. I have kept myself from over-reacting and getting angry a few times over the last few days. I want to get mad, but somehow stop from doing it. But this screaming at Ash-boy was different. I had no control and that scares me. There was thinking my way out of it; it was pure anger. I had an anxiety attack when I yelled. It took a few mins for my body to regulate itself.
I have been cheating a little the last few days on the diet. I will have to try harder. Being at home all day on my days off makes it temping because all I have is time and snacks looking at me with there bedroom-eyes. Damn temptresses.
Later, Ash out…
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Snippets
I have just weighed myself at 9:30PM after watching my beloved Detroit Pistons whip the shit out of the Bulls. Fuck you Wallace; we don't need you, you money grubbing bitch. I now weigh 210lbs. That is -6lbs in week 1.
I have drank a lot of red wine tonight after my last day of work and I can't truly say why. Who fuckin' cares.
HATE. Death and Destruction. Bring it fuckers.
I hate my job and take my considerable vacation time around when I work days. Recap: I work 4, 12hr days, 7am to 7pm – 4 days off – 4, 12hr nights, 7pm to 7am. My T-doc and P-doc both say that this is a very hard schedule for me and that it is unhealthy physically and mentally. I don’t take vacation to do things: I take vacation to reduce my stress. You see, Mon–Fri 7am-4pm the bosses at my plant are there. I hate this time at work. Thursdays are the very worst for me. On Thurs we shut down the whole mill and every department. – Green End, Production, Finish End, Electrical, Mechanical, environmental, and Quality Control all work on upkeep of their individual processes. All in all I am responsible for making sure that they complete there work on time; lets round it off at 100 individual people. I walk around and make sure everyone is working at a productive pace. I need to find out who is going to hold my start-up up. They damn sure better have a good reason. We go down at 7:30am thru 3:30pm - 8hrs: 480mins. That is my allotted time to keep the mill down. After that my personal Crew is docked efficiency for every min that the mill doesn’t run. This is a very tedious process, which I have been one of the best at since I started running my crew 5 years ago. I was a tyrant to some and a mentor to others. I kept people to task. I was told in my evaluations that I take my job too seriously and put too much stress on myself. That I am the top performer usually, with the most talented crew, and therefore I should relax and slow the pace a bit. I have always strove to do my best. Sometimes my assertiveness would kick-in as I tried to perform. I sometimes would snap at people and tell them of their incompetence. I was a stern taskmaster. You either performed or you felt my wrath. I would be the best and you better not be the weakest link. Don’t take this to mean that I showed no compassion. I was respected and loved by my crew. I treated my crew like a coddled, cherished prize. I covered up their mishaps and fuck-ups. I saved many jobs at risk to my own employment. My crew was my family and they would do anything for me. They performed for me alone. But sadly I kept expecting more from everyone that wasn’t a part of my crew, especially on D. days. You must realize that these other people on Down Days weren’t my guys, they reported to others, although I was ultimately responsible for their performances on D. Day. I was manic a few too many times and I was reported to management as an antagonist to put it lightly. Incompetence, I just couldn’t stand. I am a perfectionist and I need to be validated as the best of the best or I can’t relax and sleep at night. Honestly they expect this of me. They are the Man. They are Conglomerate. I am a fucking pawn, people. It is expected of me, but just don’t get a bad wrap. I hate my fucking job. I have no true friends. Everyone has an ulterior motive. Brown-nosing bastards. Aren’t you glad that I’m drunk and opening up a bit. I took it too far. I got turned in a few too many times for snapping, and they tried to fire me. My crew, whom I have treated like gold all went up front to management and protested. My job was spared due solely to the love my crew had for me because of how I treated them. I was placed on days for 6 months of probation. This wasn’t due solely to my treatment of incompetent bastards that didn’t deserve their jobs in the first place. I had a bad reputation of going up front in the management meetings and calling department heads incompetent in front of everyone. I would normally know when to shut-up, but when I was manic, the beast would come out and I would snap at the board meetings. Imagine that I am accountable for every min (720min) of my 12 hr shift. No matter which dept was at fault, I was still ultimately the culprit and I better understand every aspect of every damn min that the mill isn’t running. We actually have a screen on the wall that the computer projects every min that I wasn’t making product. I have to explain why we weren’t running and what I did to remedy the problem. You see, I am a very anal person that needs to know every aspect of every fucking thing. If I had to explain it, you better bet your ass that I can tell you what the problem was. I would tell department mangers what was the problem because I had researched deeply, at much stress to myself. I would inform them of the problem. I would then go on my for days off. When I came back I was finding that they hadn’t fixed the problems that I had told them about 4 days earlier. I would snap and tell them that they weren’t doing their jobs efficiently. After a while of butting heads with the highest people at your plant, the Plant Manager will slap you down, right or wrong. Months after being taken from my crew I was allowed back because I had excelled again with the small day crew that I was given and had maintained calm. Being put on days was an embarrassing time for me. Assholes leaked why I was on days. I was told if I have just one more major outburst it is the end of my job. At first I thought I would end up being sabotaged and framed by people – ambitious or people that have a grudge. But that didn't happen. Actually it was tried once but it didn't work because enough people were present to counter a few peoples' lies. I was placed back on my crew over a year ago. I took them and put them back on top and was the best performing crew once again. At my evaluation I was given the highest raise among Sup’s, yet I was once again docked for lack of professional communication. My manic ass once again snapped a few more times, yet not nearly as bad. I can usually repress my opinions and take them home and run them over and over though my mind, but when I’m manic I tell the people at the morning meetings that they suck and aren’t doing their best. It is my BP at it’s best that tries to take my job. I was told that I was the smartest and most responsible Sup that they had, but that I needed to calm down and let the mill run without my stern arm. That I was out-performing everyone, so I just needed to not worry so much. Just let pieces fall as they may. I have this year tried that philosophy as of yet and I just sit in my office mostly. I could do so much more, but this is what they ask of me. Sadly this is how the other Sup's spend their days and they don't get near as stressed as I do. I need my job; I hate my job. It sucks when someone tells you to do less than your best. I need to feed my family so I will play their game. So back to the beginning of this super long paragraph, I now try not to work on days Mon – Fri. If I have to work Mon thru Thurs on day or Tues thru Fri on days I just take that week off of work. That keeps me away from all the bosses and a D.D. You would be amazed at the stress that I escape by taking this vacation. Sadly you shouldn’t hate your job that much. But where else would an under-achieving GED fuck flourish. God I hate my life, but I’m willing to endure for the security of my family. What is my soul worth anyways?
I think I have a gambling problem that I am infecting others with. I have played poker at work today with certain members of my crew. Now that's a close-knit crew.
Oh yea, I got a couple of responses back from blog advertising sites that I applied for back when it was just my poker site. They want me now that I have people actually reading a fuckin' blog of mine. I plan to review ads for these sites. I hope that doesn't make me a sellout. I figure if I'm going to be blogging anyways for what I truly believe in, I mind as well get paid.
What does 6 lbs mean when the world is shit . FTW.
Later, Ash fuckin' out.
I have drank a lot of red wine tonight after my last day of work and I can't truly say why. Who fuckin' cares.
HATE. Death and Destruction. Bring it fuckers.
I hate my job and take my considerable vacation time around when I work days. Recap: I work 4, 12hr days, 7am to 7pm – 4 days off – 4, 12hr nights, 7pm to 7am. My T-doc and P-doc both say that this is a very hard schedule for me and that it is unhealthy physically and mentally. I don’t take vacation to do things: I take vacation to reduce my stress. You see, Mon–Fri 7am-4pm the bosses at my plant are there. I hate this time at work. Thursdays are the very worst for me. On Thurs we shut down the whole mill and every department. – Green End, Production, Finish End, Electrical, Mechanical, environmental, and Quality Control all work on upkeep of their individual processes. All in all I am responsible for making sure that they complete there work on time; lets round it off at 100 individual people. I walk around and make sure everyone is working at a productive pace. I need to find out who is going to hold my start-up up. They damn sure better have a good reason. We go down at 7:30am thru 3:30pm - 8hrs: 480mins. That is my allotted time to keep the mill down. After that my personal Crew is docked efficiency for every min that the mill doesn’t run. This is a very tedious process, which I have been one of the best at since I started running my crew 5 years ago. I was a tyrant to some and a mentor to others. I kept people to task. I was told in my evaluations that I take my job too seriously and put too much stress on myself. That I am the top performer usually, with the most talented crew, and therefore I should relax and slow the pace a bit. I have always strove to do my best. Sometimes my assertiveness would kick-in as I tried to perform. I sometimes would snap at people and tell them of their incompetence. I was a stern taskmaster. You either performed or you felt my wrath. I would be the best and you better not be the weakest link. Don’t take this to mean that I showed no compassion. I was respected and loved by my crew. I treated my crew like a coddled, cherished prize. I covered up their mishaps and fuck-ups. I saved many jobs at risk to my own employment. My crew was my family and they would do anything for me. They performed for me alone. But sadly I kept expecting more from everyone that wasn’t a part of my crew, especially on D. days. You must realize that these other people on Down Days weren’t my guys, they reported to others, although I was ultimately responsible for their performances on D. Day. I was manic a few too many times and I was reported to management as an antagonist to put it lightly. Incompetence, I just couldn’t stand. I am a perfectionist and I need to be validated as the best of the best or I can’t relax and sleep at night. Honestly they expect this of me. They are the Man. They are Conglomerate. I am a fucking pawn, people. It is expected of me, but just don’t get a bad wrap. I hate my fucking job. I have no true friends. Everyone has an ulterior motive. Brown-nosing bastards. Aren’t you glad that I’m drunk and opening up a bit. I took it too far. I got turned in a few too many times for snapping, and they tried to fire me. My crew, whom I have treated like gold all went up front to management and protested. My job was spared due solely to the love my crew had for me because of how I treated them. I was placed on days for 6 months of probation. This wasn’t due solely to my treatment of incompetent bastards that didn’t deserve their jobs in the first place. I had a bad reputation of going up front in the management meetings and calling department heads incompetent in front of everyone. I would normally know when to shut-up, but when I was manic, the beast would come out and I would snap at the board meetings. Imagine that I am accountable for every min (720min) of my 12 hr shift. No matter which dept was at fault, I was still ultimately the culprit and I better understand every aspect of every damn min that the mill isn’t running. We actually have a screen on the wall that the computer projects every min that I wasn’t making product. I have to explain why we weren’t running and what I did to remedy the problem. You see, I am a very anal person that needs to know every aspect of every fucking thing. If I had to explain it, you better bet your ass that I can tell you what the problem was. I would tell department mangers what was the problem because I had researched deeply, at much stress to myself. I would inform them of the problem. I would then go on my for days off. When I came back I was finding that they hadn’t fixed the problems that I had told them about 4 days earlier. I would snap and tell them that they weren’t doing their jobs efficiently. After a while of butting heads with the highest people at your plant, the Plant Manager will slap you down, right or wrong. Months after being taken from my crew I was allowed back because I had excelled again with the small day crew that I was given and had maintained calm. Being put on days was an embarrassing time for me. Assholes leaked why I was on days. I was told if I have just one more major outburst it is the end of my job. At first I thought I would end up being sabotaged and framed by people – ambitious or people that have a grudge. But that didn't happen. Actually it was tried once but it didn't work because enough people were present to counter a few peoples' lies. I was placed back on my crew over a year ago. I took them and put them back on top and was the best performing crew once again. At my evaluation I was given the highest raise among Sup’s, yet I was once again docked for lack of professional communication. My manic ass once again snapped a few more times, yet not nearly as bad. I can usually repress my opinions and take them home and run them over and over though my mind, but when I’m manic I tell the people at the morning meetings that they suck and aren’t doing their best. It is my BP at it’s best that tries to take my job. I was told that I was the smartest and most responsible Sup that they had, but that I needed to calm down and let the mill run without my stern arm. That I was out-performing everyone, so I just needed to not worry so much. Just let pieces fall as they may. I have this year tried that philosophy as of yet and I just sit in my office mostly. I could do so much more, but this is what they ask of me. Sadly this is how the other Sup's spend their days and they don't get near as stressed as I do. I need my job; I hate my job. It sucks when someone tells you to do less than your best. I need to feed my family so I will play their game. So back to the beginning of this super long paragraph, I now try not to work on days Mon – Fri. If I have to work Mon thru Thurs on day or Tues thru Fri on days I just take that week off of work. That keeps me away from all the bosses and a D.D. You would be amazed at the stress that I escape by taking this vacation. Sadly you shouldn’t hate your job that much. But where else would an under-achieving GED fuck flourish. God I hate my life, but I’m willing to endure for the security of my family. What is my soul worth anyways?
I think I have a gambling problem that I am infecting others with. I have played poker at work today with certain members of my crew. Now that's a close-knit crew.
Oh yea, I got a couple of responses back from blog advertising sites that I applied for back when it was just my poker site. They want me now that I have people actually reading a fuckin' blog of mine. I plan to review ads for these sites. I hope that doesn't make me a sellout. I figure if I'm going to be blogging anyways for what I truly believe in, I mind as well get paid.
What does 6 lbs mean when the world is shit . FTW.
Later, Ash fuckin' out.
The Waders Confrontation
I tried on my days off, leading up to this confrontation with the “Assholes,” to use some of the new techniques on anxiety suppression that I have recently learned from therapy and the book she has me reading. My T-doc will be happy. Basically I forced myself to think about something else every time it popped into my head and kept telling myself that I wasn’t going to blow up when we met. It wasn’t a breeze though; every time I thought about it did make me angry until I pushed it from my thoughts. The night that happened, I got a little snappy and Ash-wife told me so. She said that just because I was mad at them not to take it out on her and the kids. She was right; I was lashing out because I was mad. That was when I decided to try to stop the catastrophic thinking about the situation.
Well I let Van Horn and Smity off the hook. They came to me and apologized. Apparently Smity relayed that I was pissed. I kinda gave them a mini-lecture on consideration and friendship. I remained calm, but I did feel that my anxiety wanted to hit critical mass. I repressed it and kind of blew it off with some jokes. I told them that I was really pissed at first and that I had gotten over it, but that it still hurt. I explained the ardor my son showed about the promised outing as he talked about trip in earnest for 2 days. They said that they felt like shit. I said good, that they should. That I wouldn’t do that to anyone. That if I make an arrangement with someone, that not only do I show-up, that I make sure I’m there on time. I said that if unforeseen circumstance I had to call it off that I could guarantee that I would call that person. I also said that I didn’t even have to be friends or like the person to call them, that it was just a matter of respect and being a decent, well-mannered person. I mentioned over and over throughout the conversation that it was them that invited me and my son. I mentioned that we went out of our way to get a net and borrow waders, and that I even bought my fishing license just for the trip. I kind of just left it at that.
Later, the guy that let me borrow the waders for my son started livening it up more by talking junk. He started asking if I wanted to go smelting on my day off and said that if he couldn’t go he would give me a ring and call it off, thus not leaving me hanging. Smity and Van Horn told him to shut-up and not get me started again. We all laughed it up a bit. Then I kicked out a joking analogy. I told them that I felt like a teenage girl on prom night. I bought a dress that I wouldn’t finish paying off for some time. That I had spent countless time in front of the mirror with my mom trying to look perfect. That it was my big day. That I waited and waited for my date to come. That I waited for my corsage to be buttoned to my dress, only to continue waiting. That I was stood-up by an inconsiderate bastard and would be scarred for life. That he was the one that invited me to the prom, not the other way around. We all laughed.
Funny related story. I work with some goofy people. The guy that let me borrow the waders laid a condition upon using them. Now realize that he was the one that offered to loan them to me, because he was in the room with us when we were setting up the trip. Verbatim he said, “You can borrow them, but you have to tell your son not to pee in them. If you pee in them, you’ve bought them.” He was serious. We all laughed. I asked him if he was fucking retarded. He stated that he just didn’t want anyone peeing in them. I told him that I didn’t even have to mention this to my son and I’m sure that it wouldn’t even enter his mind to piss in his fuckin’ waders. I told him that my 8 year old daughter wouldn’t pee in them. That who in there right mind would pee in someone else’s waders, let alone there own for that matter. We all started picking on him. I told him that he was wasting his life worrying about stupid shit. That it was me most irrational thing I had ever heard and that he had made my day. That I would think about it every time I was down. We picked on him some more. I told him I could tell him just how irrational his fear was. I told him the whole purpose of wearing waders was to stay dry, so why would anyone piss oneself and stand around wet in pee. That it defeated the whole purpose of wearing waders in the first place. He said that he understood and we all continued to laugh. My sides hurt. He truly is one goofy MF.
Well I let Van Horn and Smity off the hook. They came to me and apologized. Apparently Smity relayed that I was pissed. I kinda gave them a mini-lecture on consideration and friendship. I remained calm, but I did feel that my anxiety wanted to hit critical mass. I repressed it and kind of blew it off with some jokes. I told them that I was really pissed at first and that I had gotten over it, but that it still hurt. I explained the ardor my son showed about the promised outing as he talked about trip in earnest for 2 days. They said that they felt like shit. I said good, that they should. That I wouldn’t do that to anyone. That if I make an arrangement with someone, that not only do I show-up, that I make sure I’m there on time. I said that if unforeseen circumstance I had to call it off that I could guarantee that I would call that person. I also said that I didn’t even have to be friends or like the person to call them, that it was just a matter of respect and being a decent, well-mannered person. I mentioned over and over throughout the conversation that it was them that invited me and my son. I mentioned that we went out of our way to get a net and borrow waders, and that I even bought my fishing license just for the trip. I kind of just left it at that.
Later, the guy that let me borrow the waders for my son started livening it up more by talking junk. He started asking if I wanted to go smelting on my day off and said that if he couldn’t go he would give me a ring and call it off, thus not leaving me hanging. Smity and Van Horn told him to shut-up and not get me started again. We all laughed it up a bit. Then I kicked out a joking analogy. I told them that I felt like a teenage girl on prom night. I bought a dress that I wouldn’t finish paying off for some time. That I had spent countless time in front of the mirror with my mom trying to look perfect. That it was my big day. That I waited and waited for my date to come. That I waited for my corsage to be buttoned to my dress, only to continue waiting. That I was stood-up by an inconsiderate bastard and would be scarred for life. That he was the one that invited me to the prom, not the other way around. We all laughed.
Funny related story. I work with some goofy people. The guy that let me borrow the waders laid a condition upon using them. Now realize that he was the one that offered to loan them to me, because he was in the room with us when we were setting up the trip. Verbatim he said, “You can borrow them, but you have to tell your son not to pee in them. If you pee in them, you’ve bought them.” He was serious. We all laughed. I asked him if he was fucking retarded. He stated that he just didn’t want anyone peeing in them. I told him that I didn’t even have to mention this to my son and I’m sure that it wouldn’t even enter his mind to piss in his fuckin’ waders. I told him that my 8 year old daughter wouldn’t pee in them. That who in there right mind would pee in someone else’s waders, let alone there own for that matter. We all started picking on him. I told him that he was wasting his life worrying about stupid shit. That it was me most irrational thing I had ever heard and that he had made my day. That I would think about it every time I was down. We picked on him some more. I told him I could tell him just how irrational his fear was. I told him the whole purpose of wearing waders was to stay dry, so why would anyone piss oneself and stand around wet in pee. That it defeated the whole purpose of wearing waders in the first place. He said that he understood and we all continued to laugh. My sides hurt. He truly is one goofy MF.
Friday, April 27, 2007
I PASSED
I aced the exam. I procrastinated and second-guessed myself for over 2 months. I don’t know why I do that to myself. I think likely that it is worry of failure. More like sheer dread of failure. I am now happy. On too my first course of the second semester: Personal Finance. Now that’s funny. Bipolar guy + proper management of one’s personal finance. I think I will let Ash-wife continue to pay the bills for now. LOL.
Later, Ash out…
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Still Getting Angry Like the Hulk in a Flash
IM message with my Mom. This is why I have to get therapy. Simple shit like this gets me all worked up. She just couldn't get it and my anxiety started kicking in and I was getting irritated. And take into account that I was waiting around 1 to 2 min between each of her comments. It took ten min before I calmed down, although I stopped hyperventilating in just a min or two. It still shouldn't make me mad like that. Hopefully the lady tomorrow can start to teach me some exercises or techniques to alleviate my stress levels and my quick temper. I'm such a spazz. I need to get this under control before the Fam comes home. I hope I can change. It hurts me to be this way. I lust for patience.
As an aside - some hook me up. Tell me to change font color. Also does anyone know how to put that line through words?
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
hey son
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
how are you?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
sup
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
do you know how well you did on you exam today?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
I'm only worried about my English exam
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
oh, how many subjects did u take?
you should have taken my english book home. lol
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
lol
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
PIC of smiley
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
5 subjects
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
wow
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
thats a lot
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
when will u find out your scores?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
i got done an hr early - i should have taken that time to really go into that English Ex
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
She said she would send it out that day.
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
oh, over the internet
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
no no
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
snail mail
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
lol
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
haha
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
what are u eating?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
I got sick of playing on the $25 tables
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
so I put $100 on the $100 table
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
I'm currently up $130
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
u playing now?great
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
First time I've played in a long time
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
yes UB
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
trying to get there. don't know if i can.
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
lol
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
pop up ultimate buddy
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
and then click on my name and table
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
trying, lizard just finished
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
downloading now
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
I already did that for you I thought
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
u know me
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
not taking me to table
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ub screen
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
sign in
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
you see the table that im at
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
in buddy
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
i see maplewood
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
see the triangle by my name
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
double click map
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
maplewood
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
working
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
log in
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
screen
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
ok then hit poker
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
poker tab up top
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
log in first?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
you still haven't logged in
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
sry, son
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
please log in
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
i did
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
then i hit poker
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
ok now try double clicking maplewood
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
where table to play is at
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
ok forget buddy
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
go to the poker tab at the top of the screen
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
now what do you see
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
when i hit poker tab, it takes me to where the tables to play are
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
good
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
at top click real money
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
now whaat
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ok
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
there
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
there, where?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
did u click the real money button
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
don't see anything
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
have u clicked the poker button
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
poker/real money.................
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
u are making this real hard
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
now what
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
?
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
sry
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
use to be easy
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
now click games
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
PIC of a rainbow
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
it is right below real money button
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
where is that
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
oh
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
click it yet
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
yes , nothing happened
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
just shows games to bet on
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
now poker button and games buttons and real money buttons should all be red
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
now below games button hit holdem button
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ok
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
nothing happened
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
now look below at the games tables
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ok
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
see where it says stakes
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
what does it say
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
I could of actually drove over there and did it for u by now lol
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
what does it say\
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
money needed for table
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
ok close UB
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
X out
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ok
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
talk to me
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
is ultimate buddy still up
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
hello
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
are we going to start over
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
what do u have open right bnow
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
u start off
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
from very beginning
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
nothing
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
ok open U buddy
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
hello
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ok
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
see
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ur mname
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
do you see me and my table
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
now it says download
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
down load?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
do you see my name
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
name and room
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
ok double click my name what a sec and tell me what it did
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
My room I mean
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
maplewood
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
yes double click it
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ok, thanks
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
it did not work earlier
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
are you at my table now
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
yes, i see u son
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
man
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
lol
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
u killed me there
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
I'm glad I have therapy tomorrow lol
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
sry
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
hanging by a few hairs, huh
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
No I punched my keyboard once and said the lords name in vain
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
chill
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
out
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
I know
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
did u have ur pill today, haha
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
It's hard sometimes
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
i know
As an aside - some hook me up. Tell me to change font color. Also does anyone know how to put that line through words?
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
hey son
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
how are you?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
sup
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
do you know how well you did on you exam today?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
I'm only worried about my English exam
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
oh, how many subjects did u take?
you should have taken my english book home. lol
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
lol
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
PIC of smiley
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
5 subjects
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
wow
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
thats a lot
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
when will u find out your scores?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
i got done an hr early - i should have taken that time to really go into that English Ex
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
She said she would send it out that day.
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
oh, over the internet
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
no no
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
snail mail
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
lol
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
haha
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
what are u eating?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
I got sick of playing on the $25 tables
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
so I put $100 on the $100 table
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
I'm currently up $130
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
u playing now?great
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
First time I've played in a long time
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
yes UB
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
trying to get there. don't know if i can.
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
lol
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
pop up ultimate buddy
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
and then click on my name and table
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
trying, lizard just finished
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
downloading now
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
I already did that for you I thought
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
u know me
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
not taking me to table
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ub screen
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
sign in
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
you see the table that im at
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
in buddy
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
i see maplewood
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
see the triangle by my name
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
double click map
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
maplewood
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
working
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
log in
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
screen
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
ok then hit poker
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
poker tab up top
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
log in first?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
you still haven't logged in
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
sry, son
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
please log in
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
i did
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
then i hit poker
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
ok now try double clicking maplewood
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
where table to play is at
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
ok forget buddy
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
go to the poker tab at the top of the screen
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
now what do you see
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
when i hit poker tab, it takes me to where the tables to play are
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
good
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
at top click real money
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
now whaat
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ok
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
there
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
there, where?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
did u click the real money button
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
don't see anything
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
have u clicked the poker button
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
poker/real money.................
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
u are making this real hard
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
now what
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
?
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
sry
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
use to be easy
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
now click games
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
PIC of a rainbow
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
it is right below real money button
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
where is that
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
oh
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
click it yet
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
yes , nothing happened
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
just shows games to bet on
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
now poker button and games buttons and real money buttons should all be red
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
now below games button hit holdem button
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ok
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
nothing happened
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
now look below at the games tables
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ok
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
see where it says stakes
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
what does it say
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
I could of actually drove over there and did it for u by now lol
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
what does it say\
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
money needed for table
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
ok close UB
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
X out
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ok
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
talk to me
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
is ultimate buddy still up
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
hello
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
are we going to start over
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
what do u have open right bnow
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
u start off
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
from very beginning
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
nothing
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
ok open U buddy
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
hello
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ok
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
see
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ur mname
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
do you see me and my table
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
now it says download
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
yes
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
down load?
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
do you see my name
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
name and room
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
ok double click my name what a sec and tell me what it did
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
My room I mean
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
maplewood
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
yes double click it
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
ok, thanks
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
it did not work earlier
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
are you at my table now
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
yes, i see u son
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
man
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
lol
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
u killed me there
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
I'm glad I have therapy tomorrow lol
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
sry
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
hanging by a few hairs, huh
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
No I punched my keyboard once and said the lords name in vain
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
chill
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
out
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
I know
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
did u have ur pill today, haha
mcash2@sbcglobal.net says:
It's hard sometimes
leldot@yahoo.com (E-mail address not verified) says:
i know
Monday, April 16, 2007
Lions and Tigers and Bears - Oh My - Rinse and Repeat Over and Over at a Faster Pace
I got really spooked out last night. I got ready to got to bed and turned off the TV im the living room and turned off all the lights and walked down the hall. As I was walking suddenly I heard a TV for about 3 sec. I jumped and turned around and walked back into the living room. Maybe I did that double click thing with the power button. Of course total darkness and no TV. I decided to check the kids’ rooms. Ash-girl is notorious for leaving her TV on and they were visiting that day. No TV on. I checked my room and Ash-boy’s even though I knew that he took it. Yep, still gone. I then heard it again – it was like TV background conversation. Gooseflesh erupted all over and I went into a full-fledged panic attack. The dogs weren’t barking. They are extremely acute to anything out of the ordinary. The last time I didn’t respond to their barking my wallet and radio was stolen from my truck. That made me turn on all the lights and check the house thoroughly and outside also. I left the outside lights on just in case some punks were prowling around my vehicle. I then went into my room and irrationally stared at the wall by the room’s hallway door off and on, fully expecting a head to pop around to look at me. My fear was a tangible thing. Likely over spooked by this, due to my wife’s belief in spirits and that shit and the fact that she has said on multiple occasions that she has seen 2 different ones in my house.
Hopefully it was just a residual reverberation in my mind left from the TV’s droning into the sudden silence and darkness. Hopefully it was some mundane event and not my first psychotic episode. I don’t think I could handle hearing shit. I know I could not handle seeing shit. No matter what it was it total had me frazzled. I’m taking my seroquel earlier tonight so maybe I can get to sleep before 4am.
Hopefully it was just a residual reverberation in my mind left from the TV’s droning into the sudden silence and darkness. Hopefully it was some mundane event and not my first psychotic episode. I don’t think I could handle hearing shit. I know I could not handle seeing shit. No matter what it was it total had me frazzled. I’m taking my seroquel earlier tonight so maybe I can get to sleep before 4am.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Day 6 and a Heartfelt E-mail
Psychology/business exam tomorrow. I probably won’t sleep much tonight even with 300mg of Seroquel. I think I am becoming somewhat immune. My mind is swimming. I have a lot to wade through currently. School, work, and the big one: personal life. School and work can fuckoff. Other than the fact that I want to pass the exam. I don’t really show that fact by my anti-studiousness towards my courses. I just know that I will hate myself if I fail.
The kids came over today. I just couldn’t get up. I was hung over and utter depressed this morning. I did go in the living room where I remained in a catatonic stupor for the first few hours of there multi-visits. (Grandma lives 2 blocks over.) It didn’t affect my children much, as they played out in the back yard mostly. When they were inside, they lived on the computer watching Naruto vids and spoofs on You-tube and other sites that they frequent. Finally we all sat together and laughed while we watched Spongebob and Patrick’s lunacy.
When they left I called over to the in-laws’ house, but Ash-wife said through my son, the intermediary, that she wasn’t ready to physically talk to me, yet would converse via letters or e-mails. The boy called a short time later and said that she sent me an e-mail. She keeps telling me to find myself and love myself so I can give them the love that they deserve. I don’t quite understand these statements. I will print my reply at the conclusion of the post. I would appreciate some feedback here from everyone that is willing. Your honest opinions. Mom your non-bipolar thoughts would be helpful, because you see through her eyes somewhat. Am I irrational guys to think that now is when I need her with me more than ever? 14 years she has put up with my swinging ass and now when I’m right on the cusp of getting a handle on this evil disorder, her, my one strength giving me stability, has left me to my own vices.
My mom then came over while my dad went to church to preach Sunday night service. She acted as though I was some fragile egg that must be coddled. I hate that shit. Let me fucking have it. And as mom usually does at some point, she kicked out the God talk. I told her to leave it be and she did. Sorry church goers, though I respect you, you must respect my decisions also. Me and God just haven’t seen eye-to-eye for a long time. Although my dad is now a preacher, I didn’t grow up a PK. Actually while I was in my vulnerable learning years my father was at times a biker and a drug dealer, yet always an utter asshole that treated my sister, mom, and I all like shit not even worthy for his boot sole. Now that he has changed somewhat he thinks that I should somehow be able forget those years where I meant shit. He made me hate God because he took him in. That is one reason why I feel so bad about how I treat my children. Although I didn’t often spank them while they growing up, the mental abuse wasn’t good. They would often come to me for affection and I would be in manic mode and scream in their little faces like they were shit. I am deeply ashamed at my actions. I was evil and sometimes I still am. Though I have my screaming spells, my current form of mental abuse towards my whole family is my distance. I often live in my own little world and exclude them from my existence. I don’t do this on purpose either, but I know it hurts them as much as my occasional hollering. It was getting to the point that I would sleep all day, then eat in bed, shower, and leave for work. No interaction with dad and husband. How long would anyone be able to put up with that? But truly I think therapy will give me a new lease on life. I will be the Ash that they love, whom has shown up less frequently as of late. But it is going to be a process.
I now leave you with my e-mailed response.
I do not understand what you're saying. How can I show you and the kids the love that you need if I can't see you? I miss you and the kids badly. What is it that you are waiting for in my life? I will likely never love myself; it is part of my disability. The only thing I know for sure is that I love you and I will try anything that this world has to offer that could help me treat you guys right. I don't get angry on purpose. I don’t act distant and hide in my own world on purpose. I don’t mean to neglect my family. I do love you guys; I have trouble expressing that love and affection. I have trouble telling you my feelings because I am a man and am insecure about my shortcomings. A husband is supposed to be strong and protect his family. It hurts me deeply that I am the one that you need to be protected from. I often stay away physically sometimes because I know that I am manic and will be aggravated easily. I am sorry. With therapy I feel that I can treat you all right and be there for you emotionally like a normal family.
This is going to be a process for me to get better. I can't lie to you and say that I will never yell again in my life. I just can't; it is part of my disability. What I can do is get therapy to help me learn to quell the beast inside me. I did not mean to hit you with that handle in the leg. I was having a fit like a fucking little 2 year old and I threw it. But I know it is not the intent, it is the result that counts. I am sorry. I truly am. You don't deserve to be hit. I am not a physically abusive man. I sadly am a mentally abusive fuck. I am sorry for all the years you guys have had to deal with that. But remember that it isn’t because I don’t love you or care about you. It is my illness. I’m not making excuses here, it is the truth. I have been trying. I take my meds and get them tweaked every few months trying to stop these evil things about me. It’s not about fucking finding myself. I have found myself for 14 years and you are it. You keep me sane. You are the love of my life. I need you deeply. I am sorry that I can’t tell you these things daily, but believe me I love you whole-heartedly.
I think you are a very strong woman; for you to put your kids ahead of your feelings for me is something that my mom never had the heart to do. Once again I can't say that I will never snap and yell and throw a tantrum. I can get treatment. I thought that my Psyciatrist was giving me therapy, but as we now know he was just asking how I was doing so he could change my meds. The meds have suppressed my evil streak, but I think only psychoanalysis with a therapist will have the right effect, and make me the Ash you and the kids deserve. But you must understand that therapy is also a life-long procedure. It might take months before I am totally stable. What you need to decide is if you want to come home and support and help me through this tough time or if you want me to try by myself. I truly don't think me sitting in a house lonely and depressed is really the best way from me to get through this. But I will accept your decision. But I will say this. I will try my very best to treat you right while I get my meds changed again and go through therapy if you guys come home. I will try to leave the room if we argue. I will try to talk and smile and be a part of the family daily. These things will be hard for me, yet I promise to give it my best. I love you.
I will never be whole with you not in my life. I need you. The house seems so large. Your tough love is killing me. But I know you are trying to help me and at the same time protect the kids. But honestly I don't know how long it will take before therapy will give you your Ash, but I think you should come home to me and support me through this. I love you guys and will except your decision. But if you aren't coming home until I do something specific, you should let me know what that thing is so I can work towards that goal so I can get you guys back as soon as possible.
Let me know. I miss you.
The kids came over today. I just couldn’t get up. I was hung over and utter depressed this morning. I did go in the living room where I remained in a catatonic stupor for the first few hours of there multi-visits. (Grandma lives 2 blocks over.) It didn’t affect my children much, as they played out in the back yard mostly. When they were inside, they lived on the computer watching Naruto vids and spoofs on You-tube and other sites that they frequent. Finally we all sat together and laughed while we watched Spongebob and Patrick’s lunacy.
When they left I called over to the in-laws’ house, but Ash-wife said through my son, the intermediary, that she wasn’t ready to physically talk to me, yet would converse via letters or e-mails. The boy called a short time later and said that she sent me an e-mail. She keeps telling me to find myself and love myself so I can give them the love that they deserve. I don’t quite understand these statements. I will print my reply at the conclusion of the post. I would appreciate some feedback here from everyone that is willing. Your honest opinions. Mom your non-bipolar thoughts would be helpful, because you see through her eyes somewhat. Am I irrational guys to think that now is when I need her with me more than ever? 14 years she has put up with my swinging ass and now when I’m right on the cusp of getting a handle on this evil disorder, her, my one strength giving me stability, has left me to my own vices.
My mom then came over while my dad went to church to preach Sunday night service. She acted as though I was some fragile egg that must be coddled. I hate that shit. Let me fucking have it. And as mom usually does at some point, she kicked out the God talk. I told her to leave it be and she did. Sorry church goers, though I respect you, you must respect my decisions also. Me and God just haven’t seen eye-to-eye for a long time. Although my dad is now a preacher, I didn’t grow up a PK. Actually while I was in my vulnerable learning years my father was at times a biker and a drug dealer, yet always an utter asshole that treated my sister, mom, and I all like shit not even worthy for his boot sole. Now that he has changed somewhat he thinks that I should somehow be able forget those years where I meant shit. He made me hate God because he took him in. That is one reason why I feel so bad about how I treat my children. Although I didn’t often spank them while they growing up, the mental abuse wasn’t good. They would often come to me for affection and I would be in manic mode and scream in their little faces like they were shit. I am deeply ashamed at my actions. I was evil and sometimes I still am. Though I have my screaming spells, my current form of mental abuse towards my whole family is my distance. I often live in my own little world and exclude them from my existence. I don’t do this on purpose either, but I know it hurts them as much as my occasional hollering. It was getting to the point that I would sleep all day, then eat in bed, shower, and leave for work. No interaction with dad and husband. How long would anyone be able to put up with that? But truly I think therapy will give me a new lease on life. I will be the Ash that they love, whom has shown up less frequently as of late. But it is going to be a process.
I now leave you with my e-mailed response.
I do not understand what you're saying. How can I show you and the kids the love that you need if I can't see you? I miss you and the kids badly. What is it that you are waiting for in my life? I will likely never love myself; it is part of my disability. The only thing I know for sure is that I love you and I will try anything that this world has to offer that could help me treat you guys right. I don't get angry on purpose. I don’t act distant and hide in my own world on purpose. I don’t mean to neglect my family. I do love you guys; I have trouble expressing that love and affection. I have trouble telling you my feelings because I am a man and am insecure about my shortcomings. A husband is supposed to be strong and protect his family. It hurts me deeply that I am the one that you need to be protected from. I often stay away physically sometimes because I know that I am manic and will be aggravated easily. I am sorry. With therapy I feel that I can treat you all right and be there for you emotionally like a normal family.
This is going to be a process for me to get better. I can't lie to you and say that I will never yell again in my life. I just can't; it is part of my disability. What I can do is get therapy to help me learn to quell the beast inside me. I did not mean to hit you with that handle in the leg. I was having a fit like a fucking little 2 year old and I threw it. But I know it is not the intent, it is the result that counts. I am sorry. I truly am. You don't deserve to be hit. I am not a physically abusive man. I sadly am a mentally abusive fuck. I am sorry for all the years you guys have had to deal with that. But remember that it isn’t because I don’t love you or care about you. It is my illness. I’m not making excuses here, it is the truth. I have been trying. I take my meds and get them tweaked every few months trying to stop these evil things about me. It’s not about fucking finding myself. I have found myself for 14 years and you are it. You keep me sane. You are the love of my life. I need you deeply. I am sorry that I can’t tell you these things daily, but believe me I love you whole-heartedly.
I think you are a very strong woman; for you to put your kids ahead of your feelings for me is something that my mom never had the heart to do. Once again I can't say that I will never snap and yell and throw a tantrum. I can get treatment. I thought that my Psyciatrist was giving me therapy, but as we now know he was just asking how I was doing so he could change my meds. The meds have suppressed my evil streak, but I think only psychoanalysis with a therapist will have the right effect, and make me the Ash you and the kids deserve. But you must understand that therapy is also a life-long procedure. It might take months before I am totally stable. What you need to decide is if you want to come home and support and help me through this tough time or if you want me to try by myself. I truly don't think me sitting in a house lonely and depressed is really the best way from me to get through this. But I will accept your decision. But I will say this. I will try my very best to treat you right while I get my meds changed again and go through therapy if you guys come home. I will try to leave the room if we argue. I will try to talk and smile and be a part of the family daily. These things will be hard for me, yet I promise to give it my best. I love you.
I will never be whole with you not in my life. I need you. The house seems so large. Your tough love is killing me. But I know you are trying to help me and at the same time protect the kids. But honestly I don't know how long it will take before therapy will give you your Ash, but I think you should come home to me and support me through this. I love you guys and will except your decision. But if you aren't coming home until I do something specific, you should let me know what that thing is so I can work towards that goal so I can get you guys back as soon as possible.
Let me know. I miss you.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Not Good on the Home-front
I did the other Sup a favor and switched him a few hrs last night for today so he could go to his kid’s basketball game. So I got home at 5am when it was still dark outside. When I turned onto my street I noticed that her SUV wasn’t in the yard. The house was dark. I went in to my three dogs needing gratuitous rubbings. I started turning on lights as I surveyed the rooms. The toothbrushes were gone, some clothes, and my son’s TV and playstation. It seemed so desolate and lonely in the house with it still dark outside.
I hope I didn’t inexcusably fuck things up this time. She’s put up with my shit for 14 years, so hopefully she comes back once more and I can find an answer to my problem before I lose her. We have only spit up like 4 times in these 14 years and only for a few days at a time.
My fucking meds do regulate my moods the way they are supposed to. Fucking Seroquel and Limictal and Risperdal and still I’m an unresponsive ever-swinging moron. I am going to take Mom’s advice call my P-doc in the morning. Hopefully he gets back with me so I can set up an appointment with a therapist. Likely he will change my meds. I am so sick of tweaking meds. It is going to suck to get a therapist in Marquette because it’s a 2 hr drive and the winter trips are horrendous. But hey, I am definitely willing to do that for some change and hopefully serenity. I am doing this for my family’s sake foremost. They deserve to have a stable environment. They deserve the good, normal, loving dad. I think meds certainly help with my disorder to some extent. My wife would say that is definitely so. But truly I think this anger issue will not be quelled through medication. I don’t think my anxiety will be helped either without a therapeutic intervention. Also I think psychotherapy is needed for my reclusive-ness. If I don’t find the answer soon I will lose everything I hold dear. I must stanch the flow. The old adage is true: You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.
My house seems huge. All I have are my animals, but that just isn’t the same. I’m sure she will drop the kids off tomorrow, so at least I will get to see them. I need to see them.
As much as I want her back I currently can’t guaranty her that I won’t blow-up again. I can promise to not hit her with anything ever again because I truly didn’t mean it this time. All I can promise her is that I am currently and will continue to seek help until I get the beast under control. She has to decide if she wants to be with me through this or if she wants to wait and see how I am after some therapy. I can’t lie to her, I have an illness and I will have outbursts and occasionally hit my extreme poles. It is inevitable; I am mentally ill. There is just no way around it. I am tainted and always will be. Yet hopefully I can subdue the beast enough to become tolerable for her and the kids. Mental abuse is still abuse. I know this. I will do better with therapy; I just know I will. I have to.
I hope she reads this, because I just can’t verbally put into words the way I truly feel. I hope she sees that I’m going to make an eternal effort to change. And if you are reading this… I love you… I miss you… I need you.
I hope I didn’t inexcusably fuck things up this time. She’s put up with my shit for 14 years, so hopefully she comes back once more and I can find an answer to my problem before I lose her. We have only spit up like 4 times in these 14 years and only for a few days at a time.
My fucking meds do regulate my moods the way they are supposed to. Fucking Seroquel and Limictal and Risperdal and still I’m an unresponsive ever-swinging moron. I am going to take Mom’s advice call my P-doc in the morning. Hopefully he gets back with me so I can set up an appointment with a therapist. Likely he will change my meds. I am so sick of tweaking meds. It is going to suck to get a therapist in Marquette because it’s a 2 hr drive and the winter trips are horrendous. But hey, I am definitely willing to do that for some change and hopefully serenity. I am doing this for my family’s sake foremost. They deserve to have a stable environment. They deserve the good, normal, loving dad. I think meds certainly help with my disorder to some extent. My wife would say that is definitely so. But truly I think this anger issue will not be quelled through medication. I don’t think my anxiety will be helped either without a therapeutic intervention. Also I think psychotherapy is needed for my reclusive-ness. If I don’t find the answer soon I will lose everything I hold dear. I must stanch the flow. The old adage is true: You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.
My house seems huge. All I have are my animals, but that just isn’t the same. I’m sure she will drop the kids off tomorrow, so at least I will get to see them. I need to see them.
As much as I want her back I currently can’t guaranty her that I won’t blow-up again. I can promise to not hit her with anything ever again because I truly didn’t mean it this time. All I can promise her is that I am currently and will continue to seek help until I get the beast under control. She has to decide if she wants to be with me through this or if she wants to wait and see how I am after some therapy. I can’t lie to her, I have an illness and I will have outbursts and occasionally hit my extreme poles. It is inevitable; I am mentally ill. There is just no way around it. I am tainted and always will be. Yet hopefully I can subdue the beast enough to become tolerable for her and the kids. Mental abuse is still abuse. I know this. I will do better with therapy; I just know I will. I have to.
I hope she reads this, because I just can’t verbally put into words the way I truly feel. I hope she sees that I’m going to make an eternal effort to change. And if you are reading this… I love you… I miss you… I need you.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Sleep: You Fickle Bitch
I am starting to have trouble sleeping again. For the last month or so I’ve been waking up every hour or so. Often I can go back to sleep. But when I do I’m still plagued with plenty more awakenings.
When I first got diagnosed I was having horrible sleeping issues. I couldn’t go to sleep. My mind would spin. I would relive every interaction that I had had and analyze every minute detail. I would run scenarios over and over, especially if it was a dramatic, or perceived dramatic event. I would plot and plan how I would interact with people the next day. With all this shit going on I could go a week with very little sleep. Oh how tired I’d be, yet my mind just wouldn’t stop. At my worst I was averaging 4 hours of sleep a day for maybe 2 weeks straight.
Then came the seroquel. I would take 75mg and soon after I would sleep all night. I’ve been doing that for a good year. Although, I do feel that I’ve lost a lot of insight from the loss of nightly intellectual churning, I was still happy to have that off switch. If I was stressed about something and I felt that I needed to analyze deeply, I would just not take my dose. If I didn’t take my pills I would find it near impossible to sleep.
Well lately it’s not the falling asleep that has changed; it’s the staying asleep part that is killing me. We have recently upped my dosage to 200mg to 300mg a day due to my mood instability. I truly don’t know if the sleep pattern correlates with the change in dosage. I think this issue has been creeping up and lately has gotten to the point that it has become very noticeable. How can I not sleep with that much dope in me.
Another thing that corresponds the awakenings is nightmares. I don’t know if it really has to do with it or not. I am embarrassed to even mention it, but hey it’s my fucking blog. But I have been getting these horrible dreams with a shadow person in them. Like a spectral, insubstantial yet tangible, ethereal, opaque, ring wrath with hood and the works. I know this sounds stupid, but as manly as I try to portray myself, these dreams cause me anxiety. It is always real world images of my room. He come in and slowly walks around my bed, getting ever closer. Often he touches me or holds me down so I can’t breathe. It’s weird, I know I’m dreaming but I can’t wake up. I feel paralyzed as I try mentally to move, overcome and combat his crushing weight, shake my wife for help, or try to ask for help. I go into panic mode, trying to awake. It just seems that I can only stare as he comes for me. I usually wake up at some point once the fear culminates to the point of breaking. Here are the strongest and most prominent ones lately. He came in and leaned over me and kissed me forcing my mouth open and began to pump his essence into my mouth through a sort of proboscis. I awoke before his essence could perform its intended purpose. In the other one he grabbed my feet and began to drag me off the bed and out the dog door, my struggling reaching no avail. It wasn’t my physical body, but a fully formed shadow of myself - my soul possibly, yet totally my very living quintessence. I knew if he got me passed that door there was no coming back. I woke up just as my arms’ strength gave way and the last of myself was consumed through the orifice. Not only is the dream filled with overpowering dread, there is always a feeling of pure evil in my room as I awake. Often I roll over, reposition myself, and try to think of something different to try to not go right back into the same dream when I fall back asleep. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes I can’t get back to sleep due to strong feelings of dread. I wouldn’t even mention it, but for the fact that it has escalated in frequency. I have had these dreams occasionally as far back as I can remember. Occasionally being the optimum word here. Try waking up to that shit 1 to 5 times a night where you aren’t even safe in your sleep. It gets real old quickly. No wonder they call them night terrors. I have to deal with the demons inside me daily while roaming this earth; it doesn’t seem fair to have to battle them nightly as well.
When I first got diagnosed I was having horrible sleeping issues. I couldn’t go to sleep. My mind would spin. I would relive every interaction that I had had and analyze every minute detail. I would run scenarios over and over, especially if it was a dramatic, or perceived dramatic event. I would plot and plan how I would interact with people the next day. With all this shit going on I could go a week with very little sleep. Oh how tired I’d be, yet my mind just wouldn’t stop. At my worst I was averaging 4 hours of sleep a day for maybe 2 weeks straight.
Then came the seroquel. I would take 75mg and soon after I would sleep all night. I’ve been doing that for a good year. Although, I do feel that I’ve lost a lot of insight from the loss of nightly intellectual churning, I was still happy to have that off switch. If I was stressed about something and I felt that I needed to analyze deeply, I would just not take my dose. If I didn’t take my pills I would find it near impossible to sleep.
Well lately it’s not the falling asleep that has changed; it’s the staying asleep part that is killing me. We have recently upped my dosage to 200mg to 300mg a day due to my mood instability. I truly don’t know if the sleep pattern correlates with the change in dosage. I think this issue has been creeping up and lately has gotten to the point that it has become very noticeable. How can I not sleep with that much dope in me.
Another thing that corresponds the awakenings is nightmares. I don’t know if it really has to do with it or not. I am embarrassed to even mention it, but hey it’s my fucking blog. But I have been getting these horrible dreams with a shadow person in them. Like a spectral, insubstantial yet tangible, ethereal, opaque, ring wrath with hood and the works. I know this sounds stupid, but as manly as I try to portray myself, these dreams cause me anxiety. It is always real world images of my room. He come in and slowly walks around my bed, getting ever closer. Often he touches me or holds me down so I can’t breathe. It’s weird, I know I’m dreaming but I can’t wake up. I feel paralyzed as I try mentally to move, overcome and combat his crushing weight, shake my wife for help, or try to ask for help. I go into panic mode, trying to awake. It just seems that I can only stare as he comes for me. I usually wake up at some point once the fear culminates to the point of breaking. Here are the strongest and most prominent ones lately. He came in and leaned over me and kissed me forcing my mouth open and began to pump his essence into my mouth through a sort of proboscis. I awoke before his essence could perform its intended purpose. In the other one he grabbed my feet and began to drag me off the bed and out the dog door, my struggling reaching no avail. It wasn’t my physical body, but a fully formed shadow of myself - my soul possibly, yet totally my very living quintessence. I knew if he got me passed that door there was no coming back. I woke up just as my arms’ strength gave way and the last of myself was consumed through the orifice. Not only is the dream filled with overpowering dread, there is always a feeling of pure evil in my room as I awake. Often I roll over, reposition myself, and try to think of something different to try to not go right back into the same dream when I fall back asleep. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes I can’t get back to sleep due to strong feelings of dread. I wouldn’t even mention it, but for the fact that it has escalated in frequency. I have had these dreams occasionally as far back as I can remember. Occasionally being the optimum word here. Try waking up to that shit 1 to 5 times a night where you aren’t even safe in your sleep. It gets real old quickly. No wonder they call them night terrors. I have to deal with the demons inside me daily while roaming this earth; it doesn’t seem fair to have to battle them nightly as well.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Long Post: Trip Report
I passed my test. I was so stressed out until I passed. Total undue pressure. Just to think that I now have to go through this shit every 6 months. I was the first one of our group to pass. We had 10 tries over 2 days to pass. I failed my first test by one reading. That truly sucked. You could have up to a 15% deviation on any reading and pass, although on average you couldn’t be off more than 7.5% for the 50 reading. I had one reading that I missed by 20% and that was all she wrote. Damn was it cold. We were in a suburb of Minneapolis and St Paul. At the DOT center. We were outside at 8:30 am to start the test. It was +2 degrees with wind chill added in. Probably 15 degrees actual. I didn’t really pack for that kind of weather. I layered up with a hoody taking most of the brunt. Let me just say, holy shit was it cold. My hands were frozen. You should have seen all the people fidgeting around trying to stay warm – it looked like a torret’s/ADHD convention. Test 2 I failed 2 readings. There were 25 readings with white smoke and then 25 readings with black. 2nd test I made it all the way to to number 43 with good results and then bang 2 in a row off by 20%. Failure. It was lunch time. We all were pretty worked up about the tests. We were all analyzing how everything played-out and measuring ourselves against how each other performed. I actually was having anxiety attacks during each test and as they were calling out the right answers. Not strong ones but strong enough. Test 3 didn’t seem any different than the first 2. They started reading out the results. I made it through the white with only one out by 15%. I about shit when he called the number. I thought at first I was out. I was actually slightly hyperventilating during the calling of the right answers. My ears were on fire and I was flush and shaking. I hate feeling like that. I got down to the last few and knew I had passed the 20% rule. I had to go sit down and tally up my score and found that I was less than 5% ave. and had passed. The other guys were already back to the vehicles to warm up. I handed in my test and they told me that they would get back with me soon. I don’t smoke, but I asked for a cig and smoked it. I really must stop this. I just started lately smoking a little when I drink. I did have 3 Bud Lights at lunch so I guess you could chalk that one up to drinking. They have been tasting good, plus giving me that initial buzz, and then the relaxing feeling. I used to smoke 3 packs a day. My wife and I both quit 8 year’s ago and just recently I’ve been doing that BS drinking/smoking excuse. I will stop right now. This is how stressed I was. I couldn’t relax until they called out my name and said I passed; I was afraid my math was off somehow. It felt like a giant weight was lifted from my shoulders. Ain’t that sad that I allowed myself to get that worked up. I then went back to the Hotel and waited for the others to come back. Schmuckal passed on the 4th try. We had to stay an extra day because the other 2 didn’t pass until the next day on the 7th test. I’m telling you that it was a very subjective test with very little science to it. I never realized how many shades of gray there were.
Boy I’m glad to be back. It really sucked on some levels and in some ways it was nice. It was cool to do something different for a change. The ride sucked; 10 hr drive, with around 6 hrs through Wisconsin. Damn… nothing but barns and silos and fields. God bless radio. OK, time for another positive. Hanging out with the other Sups was nice. It’s odd, although we compete, we don’t hold much animosity towards each other. That is good. I’ve known all 3 from before we moved up the internal ladder. I could go back and forth for a while longer with the +/-, but I’ll just hit those others up more thoroughly.
I had a tough time sleeping. This is actually an ongoing issue that I need some resolution to at some point very soon. I think my biggest problem was that my bed seemed large without my wife taking all the room. It was a king size bed so it was large. Empty was the problem. I never went to bed before midnight all week and I was usually pretty well intoxicated. I then would take 300 mg seroquel and go to sleep. I had no problem going to sleep; it was staying asleep that was the problem. I would wakeup at least once an hr. Often I would wake up to terrible dreams. I would fall right back to sleep. 2 nights I turned on the TV very low to try to combat the evil feelings permeating my room. I still awoke hourly. I felt like a wimp, but hey, at least I could go back to sleep.
Went to Mall of America. Man was it big. It was 4 floors high with a plethora of shops and myriad of restaurants. And in the middle of it all was an amusement park. We spent like 3 hrs there looking for Schmuckal a pr of shoes. Every time his picky ass found a pr that he liked they didn’t have his size. Mall of A-fuckin’-merica and noboby carries 11 ½’s. We said the hell with it and went to Hooter’s. I had never been there. They are supposed to have the best wings around. That’s why I went anyways. LOL. As we were leaving we found a place called Underwater Adventures. We paid the $17 to get in and it was worth it. It was an aquarium that had a glass tunnel throughout. You could either walk or ride the conveyor belt and look all around yourself at the fish. They had fresh and saltwater fish. Bass to Sharks. They also had a touch pool where you could handle the stingrays and the like. I put the Crock Hunter out of my mind and played with them. No really, it was a good time.
I definitely gained a little weight. We ate well all week - three meals a day. A lot more than I usually eat, but the company with fitting the bill, so I indulged myself. Not a good excuse, but I did. I also drank all week. I don’t drink too often, so I really hammed it up while there. I’m sure that wasn’t too good on the waistline. It’s time for a diet I think.
When we spent time alone during the day I would just turn down the TV and go to sleep. I woke up every hr during these naps also.
Schmuckal and I went to the bar one night downtown Minneapolis. The other 2 didn’t feel like going. I almost got in a fight. I don’t think this was due to my mood disorder or any swings or cycles. This guy was just a dick. I’m not the fighting, tough-guy, macho type. I actually feel that you should be able to use your intellect for the most part. Usually it’s when you outsmart someone that they want to fight, because they mentally can’t battle you. But you came only push me so far. Not to say that I don’t lose it quick sometimes. My wife doesn’t call me trigger for nothing. Anyways, I don’t start fights; let’s just put it that way. This dude was kinda hanging around our table. He came up to me and says that he’s not trying to offend me, but that we look like small town guys. I said that he guessed it right. Ain’t it weird how when people say “I don’t mean to…” that is exactly what they mean. The cabbie pulled the same crap the night before when he commented that he didn't want us to thhink that he was robbing us by taking a different route which conveniently costed us $10 more than the trip home with another driver. LOL. The comment bothered me a little but I was rather congenial about it and told him that it didn’t offend me, although by the way he said it, it was obvious that he though himself my better. I was raised in all over Wake County NC so I’m really small town per se. But I think he thought that because we were laid back in our attire. I had on a Led Zeppelin hoody and a Tarheels cap and Schmuckal had on a Polaris jacket and a Detroit Lions hat, so it didn’t take a rocket scientist to analyze the evidence. A far cry from the Metrosexual guys with their greased back hair and their preppie clothes. A little later we were standing next to each other watching the band, when he reaches over with the back of his hand and pats my stomach and says’ “A little fat there aren’t ya?” I once again gave the guy the benefit-of-the-doubt here and remained calm. I jokingly held up my beer and said that they don’t come cheap and they come at a price as I patted my belly. I could tell that he meant it in a derogatory manner. Shit, how else can it be meant? But I decided not to let it ruin my good mood and let it slide. A little later I go outside to have a smoke. There I go again with the smoking. There is no smoking in Minneapolis, so this place had a canopied pavilion out back. He then comes out and starts smoking a cigarette. About halfway through the smoke he says hey, do you want to wrestle. At this point I get pissed and I’m feeling belittled by this jackass. I should have told him to go over wrestle with Schmuckal. He was the North American Muay Thai Light Heavy Weight Champion. That’s what I should have done. But no I blow up and tell the guy that my small town ass would knock him the fuck out. He then tries to give it another ego-driven effort and give me the stare-down. I told him that I wasn’t playing and that I was going to knock his ass out. He then starts stammering and stuttering and apologizes over and over. Schmuckal comes over and tells me to calm down and we go inside. I kinda ruined the rest of the night for Schmuckal because he stopped drinking after that because the guy had 2 friends with him. The guy keep coming up to me and apologizing over and over and buying me drinks. I really don’t know if I over-reacted or not. It just hit me wrong I guess.
So I guess as far as my BPD goes, I had only a few issues this week while gone. And maybe I’m just blaming BPD for a few problems. If I was alone in my room I was sleeping. No TV, no movies, just trying to sleep. Even if we were all going to meet up in 2 hrs or so, I would still lay on the bed and go to sleep. I was actually ashamed of myself for this defeatist BS. Another issue was, once, I woke up and was getting dressed when Schmuckal knocked on my door. Being by myself I didn’t realize that I was irritable. I snatched open the door and half-yelled, what the fuck are you knocking so loud for. He walked in without saying anything. I apologized and he said not to worry about it and that he was used to me getting that way. I hate how people have to put up with my shit. He has been a close friend since we were teens and he knows about me being bipolar. The anxiety attacks while training were another sign. I’m really starting to hate these. I don’t know if these are part of my disorder or come from something else. I had bad anxiety issues the night before the trip. A guy from work called and said that some guys in town were having a poker tourney. Of course I was inconsiderate and could say no, the night before my trip, where I would leave my family for a week. During the game I had a few times were my heart was banging in my chest, my eyes were blazing, my hands were shacking so bad that I couldn’t barely handle the chips, and I was worried about how everyone was see me. Hopefully this is something that I can work on with a therapist when I get one. This is one of my major issues. I am very impulsive when I get this way. This is were I get myself into trouble. Oh yea, I came in 2nd in the tourney BTW.
The trip ended on a big Negative, when we got back to Michigan, there had been a spring snowstorm and there was well over a foot of snow in my yard. It had just finally all melted last week and now it is back. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks it will be gone again. So overall no a bad trip, yet I would rather have stayed home and slept in my own bed, and of course no freakin’ tests.
Boy I’m glad to be back. It really sucked on some levels and in some ways it was nice. It was cool to do something different for a change. The ride sucked; 10 hr drive, with around 6 hrs through Wisconsin. Damn… nothing but barns and silos and fields. God bless radio. OK, time for another positive. Hanging out with the other Sups was nice. It’s odd, although we compete, we don’t hold much animosity towards each other. That is good. I’ve known all 3 from before we moved up the internal ladder. I could go back and forth for a while longer with the +/-, but I’ll just hit those others up more thoroughly.
I had a tough time sleeping. This is actually an ongoing issue that I need some resolution to at some point very soon. I think my biggest problem was that my bed seemed large without my wife taking all the room. It was a king size bed so it was large. Empty was the problem. I never went to bed before midnight all week and I was usually pretty well intoxicated. I then would take 300 mg seroquel and go to sleep. I had no problem going to sleep; it was staying asleep that was the problem. I would wakeup at least once an hr. Often I would wake up to terrible dreams. I would fall right back to sleep. 2 nights I turned on the TV very low to try to combat the evil feelings permeating my room. I still awoke hourly. I felt like a wimp, but hey, at least I could go back to sleep.
Went to Mall of America. Man was it big. It was 4 floors high with a plethora of shops and myriad of restaurants. And in the middle of it all was an amusement park. We spent like 3 hrs there looking for Schmuckal a pr of shoes. Every time his picky ass found a pr that he liked they didn’t have his size. Mall of A-fuckin’-merica and noboby carries 11 ½’s. We said the hell with it and went to Hooter’s. I had never been there. They are supposed to have the best wings around. That’s why I went anyways. LOL. As we were leaving we found a place called Underwater Adventures. We paid the $17 to get in and it was worth it. It was an aquarium that had a glass tunnel throughout. You could either walk or ride the conveyor belt and look all around yourself at the fish. They had fresh and saltwater fish. Bass to Sharks. They also had a touch pool where you could handle the stingrays and the like. I put the Crock Hunter out of my mind and played with them. No really, it was a good time.
I definitely gained a little weight. We ate well all week - three meals a day. A lot more than I usually eat, but the company with fitting the bill, so I indulged myself. Not a good excuse, but I did. I also drank all week. I don’t drink too often, so I really hammed it up while there. I’m sure that wasn’t too good on the waistline. It’s time for a diet I think.
When we spent time alone during the day I would just turn down the TV and go to sleep. I woke up every hr during these naps also.
Schmuckal and I went to the bar one night downtown Minneapolis. The other 2 didn’t feel like going. I almost got in a fight. I don’t think this was due to my mood disorder or any swings or cycles. This guy was just a dick. I’m not the fighting, tough-guy, macho type. I actually feel that you should be able to use your intellect for the most part. Usually it’s when you outsmart someone that they want to fight, because they mentally can’t battle you. But you came only push me so far. Not to say that I don’t lose it quick sometimes. My wife doesn’t call me trigger for nothing. Anyways, I don’t start fights; let’s just put it that way. This dude was kinda hanging around our table. He came up to me and says that he’s not trying to offend me, but that we look like small town guys. I said that he guessed it right. Ain’t it weird how when people say “I don’t mean to…” that is exactly what they mean. The cabbie pulled the same crap the night before when he commented that he didn't want us to thhink that he was robbing us by taking a different route which conveniently costed us $10 more than the trip home with another driver. LOL. The comment bothered me a little but I was rather congenial about it and told him that it didn’t offend me, although by the way he said it, it was obvious that he though himself my better. I was raised in all over Wake County NC so I’m really small town per se. But I think he thought that because we were laid back in our attire. I had on a Led Zeppelin hoody and a Tarheels cap and Schmuckal had on a Polaris jacket and a Detroit Lions hat, so it didn’t take a rocket scientist to analyze the evidence. A far cry from the Metrosexual guys with their greased back hair and their preppie clothes. A little later we were standing next to each other watching the band, when he reaches over with the back of his hand and pats my stomach and says’ “A little fat there aren’t ya?” I once again gave the guy the benefit-of-the-doubt here and remained calm. I jokingly held up my beer and said that they don’t come cheap and they come at a price as I patted my belly. I could tell that he meant it in a derogatory manner. Shit, how else can it be meant? But I decided not to let it ruin my good mood and let it slide. A little later I go outside to have a smoke. There I go again with the smoking. There is no smoking in Minneapolis, so this place had a canopied pavilion out back. He then comes out and starts smoking a cigarette. About halfway through the smoke he says hey, do you want to wrestle. At this point I get pissed and I’m feeling belittled by this jackass. I should have told him to go over wrestle with Schmuckal. He was the North American Muay Thai Light Heavy Weight Champion. That’s what I should have done. But no I blow up and tell the guy that my small town ass would knock him the fuck out. He then tries to give it another ego-driven effort and give me the stare-down. I told him that I wasn’t playing and that I was going to knock his ass out. He then starts stammering and stuttering and apologizes over and over. Schmuckal comes over and tells me to calm down and we go inside. I kinda ruined the rest of the night for Schmuckal because he stopped drinking after that because the guy had 2 friends with him. The guy keep coming up to me and apologizing over and over and buying me drinks. I really don’t know if I over-reacted or not. It just hit me wrong I guess.
So I guess as far as my BPD goes, I had only a few issues this week while gone. And maybe I’m just blaming BPD for a few problems. If I was alone in my room I was sleeping. No TV, no movies, just trying to sleep. Even if we were all going to meet up in 2 hrs or so, I would still lay on the bed and go to sleep. I was actually ashamed of myself for this defeatist BS. Another issue was, once, I woke up and was getting dressed when Schmuckal knocked on my door. Being by myself I didn’t realize that I was irritable. I snatched open the door and half-yelled, what the fuck are you knocking so loud for. He walked in without saying anything. I apologized and he said not to worry about it and that he was used to me getting that way. I hate how people have to put up with my shit. He has been a close friend since we were teens and he knows about me being bipolar. The anxiety attacks while training were another sign. I’m really starting to hate these. I don’t know if these are part of my disorder or come from something else. I had bad anxiety issues the night before the trip. A guy from work called and said that some guys in town were having a poker tourney. Of course I was inconsiderate and could say no, the night before my trip, where I would leave my family for a week. During the game I had a few times were my heart was banging in my chest, my eyes were blazing, my hands were shacking so bad that I couldn’t barely handle the chips, and I was worried about how everyone was see me. Hopefully this is something that I can work on with a therapist when I get one. This is one of my major issues. I am very impulsive when I get this way. This is were I get myself into trouble. Oh yea, I came in 2nd in the tourney BTW.
The trip ended on a big Negative, when we got back to Michigan, there had been a spring snowstorm and there was well over a foot of snow in my yard. It had just finally all melted last week and now it is back. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks it will be gone again. So overall no a bad trip, yet I would rather have stayed home and slept in my own bed, and of course no freakin’ tests.
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