A Week's Worth of This and That

I have been in a weird place this week. I don’t really know how to describe it. I just am. I’m not depressed and I’m not overtly happy. I just am. I actually feel normal at the moment. I do kind of feel mania in the back corners of my mind wanting to be released.

I have been neglectful in my med maintenance; I let my Lamictal run out and didn’t get it filled for a few days. I just got in back yesterday and already I have forgotten to take it once. I took my morning dose and forgot to take my night dose. I don’t know what this is all about, but I need to remedy it before it becomes a habit.

I haven’t listened to the stress relief CD’s yet. I burned myself copies yet haven’t taken the time to listen to them. I have to go see my P-doc on Weds and I will have to admit this or lie; I haven’t quite decided which to do yet. I lost my appointment card so I will have to call for the time. Thurs I have my T-doc appointment. I’m guessing he will totally remove me from the Risperdal. That will leave me with Lamictal and Seroquel. I can live with that. Now that I think about it, since the reduction of Risperdal I have been feeling normalcy to a certain extent. Likely just a coincident. I’m pretty sure of it.

I feel poker wanting to comeback into the picture fiercely. It really makes no sense to me. All winter while it was shitty out and playing countless hrs of online poker would seem a typical escape I didn’t have the urge whatsoever – or barely anyways. Yet now when it is beautiful outside and I should be out frolicking in the wildflowers I feel the twinge of gambling entering my thoughts more and more. I have just this past week put in more time at it than in the month prior. Luckily I have always used bankroll management and have none of our money online; I play with profits, having long-since taken my seed money off the internet. In don’t mind really that I will be playing more soon, it’s just that it seems to have arrived at the wrong time of the year. I will try to manage my time during this foray into my poker realm and spent most normal hrs with my family and not neglect them for the sweet shimmer of the computer screen. I will not get back into that mode where I am in my own little world although it is calling stronger day by day. At least this time I know what’s happening and won’t let it take total control.

I am ashamed to say that I have possibly neglected my health. I had a 6 month check-up slip come in the mail months ago. And I do mean months ago. I was put on meds due to high cholesterol. Due to my BP meds and the horrible over-eating that ensued. But the BP meds and the cholesterol possible could hard my liver. So I was supposed to wait like 6 to 8 weeks and get my liver function checked just to be safe. I am embarrassed to say that I am afraid to needles. I hate giving blood. It is a real phobia for me. I don’t know why I am so fearful of a fucking little poke, but sadly that is the case. I have a panic attack every time, but I deal with it long enough for them to draw blood. They often ask if I will be alright. I dread it so bad that I didn’t get my liver function checked of my cholesterol. The last time that I gave blood they gave me a young check likely still training and she poked me 3 times and dug around in my arm for a few excruciating minutes. But this week I am going to make that appointment and get my bloodwork done. It is truly irrational, I know, but for some reason I have this fear. When I was a child the uncle that I lived with for a while always stated that he was afraid of needles. I wonder if something as simple as your elder expressing fear could evolve subconsciously into a phobia for a youngster. I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’m going to schedule bloodwork and a Dr’s appointment this week. Pray for me LOL. I'm such a puss.

I lost another 3lbs this last week. I now weigh-in at 202lbs. That’s 14lbs in month 1. I am pretty happy with that. 3 more pounds and I will be in the 100’s. That shows me that my eating habits were horrid. I haven’t exercised yet. That means that I was merely over-eating. I’m not obsessing and eating healthy either. I am just pushing the plate away with a little caloric goodness still sitting unconsumed on it. I have been taking healthier snacks to work more often than not though: yogurt and fruit. I still buy my beloved pretzels on occasion. So really I have just calmed down my consumption. That is good enough for me for right now. I am proud.

MEDITATION

I did read some of that book that she gave me last visit. I tried one of the meditation exercises. I thought that it wouldn’t affect me. My super intellect…right? Don’t try to get in my head…the walls are high with battlements and crenulations…plus you wouldn’t like what you’d find. I read it first before trying. It wasn’t hard to remember. You started with your toes and feet and worked your way up your body as you focused on releasing stress and tension. I was truly skeptical. I then read the sun meditation exercise, where you are walking on an imaginary sandy beach. You go through the same imagery basically as the muscle relaxation technique except that you start up top and work your way down. And instead of merely releasing tension and stress you are focusing warm rays of sunshine massaging each body part as the tension melts away. After reading it I decided to give it a try. I was at work and couldn’t be totally at peace. I also had my door open so someone might walk by and think I was trying to sleep, which is what happened once, but hey I’m the boss. It was just a short interruption though. I started with the muscle relaxation and slowly worked my way upward. My feet had a lot of tension. I could feel them even as I worked my way to the thighs. At some point my feet were relaxed and my mind didn’t focus there any longer. As I moved up focusing on each part the body parts a few steps back were no longer there in the same way any longer. They were deadened in a way. I completed it all with only a little trouble. The neck and shoulders were a bitch. I then delved right into the sun exercise. When I was all done and opened my eyes I was super calm. I was in a daze, feeling a bit disoriented. It was pretty cool. I got a lot out of it, but we are talking probably 20 mins or so with my eyes closed. I put this book on my Amazon wish list so when I get the urge I can purchase it.

This visit she gave me a stress relief CD that she wants me to give a few listens to over the next couple of weeks. I burned them so I can have them. I figured that people that used mediation and yoga and Buddhism philosophy and shit like that did get something out of it. The mind is a powerful thing. I just didn’t think I was able to follow it. Strong mind you see. Actually it seems that it takes a strong mind to accomplish this inner peace that they feel. I still see myself with much bravado and machismo so it is hard to let go. I bet no one found enlightenment without working towards it. Hopefully I can be one of those legs crossed happy nerds.

Unbridled

Introversion is an opaque window

A two-sided mirror that beckons

I see my childhood

My insecurities must remain secure

Dread a strong emotion

Often his power is underestimated

Misconstrued in myself

Self yet sustains me

My past defies me

I turn to stone

Your eyes upon me

Needless hate

I deserve better

I bloom without you

I defy all before me

I am evil look-see

Genes don’t buy love

Flesh of flesh

I need no one

I am my maker

Adore me now

Dead to my hand

I now live free

Powerful in my efficacy

Move on

You block my path

I need not

You need now

No

My flame autonomous

Tow my line

Mastered your game

I live on

Needless

One

Week 3

Pay no attention to the shaved man-junk!

I lost 2lbs this week. That is 11 total. 6lbs more and I will be under $200lbs. The only thing that sucks is that each week I have lost less and less. Hopefully this trend stops or it won’t be long before I start gaining weight. I haven’t exercised yet so I have to be happy for the weight loss. At some point I will have to exercise to continue to loss weight is my guess. All I am doing is eating less. I have stopped stuffing my gullet at every meal. I have begun to eat fruit and veggies throughout the day. I still snack a little at bedtime. I usually eat pretzels. Not the greatest for me, but at least I’m not heading to the fridge anymore and making a meal. If I could stop eating at bedtime that would be best, but I’m not there yet. Seroquel still has its insidious grasp about my throat. Overall…I’m happy with my progress.

Later, Ash out…

T-doc Visit: I'm Broken

I had a T-doc visit on Tues. It was a good session sort of. She is saying that some of my issues are due to my illness and some are learned traits from childhood. I guess I agree. It makes it harder to work on my issues. I hate when she asks things about my childhood. My growing up years sucked. My parents sucked. But for some reason I have an instinct to withhold and defend my parents acts. I don’t like to blame my environment for my traits and habits. I know it is true though. I have studied this in my courses. Part of what you are is inherent and some is from the environment in which you were raised and witness to. The inherent things are the hardest things to work on because they are encoded into your very being. It can be worked on, yet it is hard work. On the other hand environmental character flaws are slightly easier to repress or disengage.

She thinks my anxiety attacks come from my perfectionism and need to control every aspect of my environment She thinks that those 2 habits come from my environment growing up. She thinks because my dad was never satisfied with anything that I did that I developed these strong feelings that bring on anxiety. If I’m going to have a confrontation, I might not have control in the situation so I lose control of my emotions and get all the anxiety symptoms. She also thinks that because of my childhood experiences that I have a perpetual need to excel and be perfect. This brings me unbridled stress, which also triggers anxiety and anger. It is also why I procrastinate in most things in life. I am afraid of failing so I never start anything so I can protect myself from my perfectionism. It is a vicious cycle. As much as I hate to admit these flaws about myself I think she is right in her analysis. And as they say: the first step to recovery is acceptance.

It kind of sucks. When you think all of your issues are due to your illness you can deal with that. You can blame it on something that is out of you power. You can blame it on a chemical imbalance. You can blame your neurotransmitters. But when it is just you, you are left bare. You have no disorder to hide behind. You have to start to understand that you are fucked-up. It is you. So I’m fucked-up. Now I must find and fix myself. Hopefully this is the source of my anger so I can work on it and someday (hopefully soon) alleviate and ultimately cure its demonic grasp of my moods.

I am overall happy with therapy. I need help with some things in life and at least I am willing to improve. Some people, especially men, wouldn’t go to a psych much less therapist. I’m starting to see that it isn’t because they are tough or more manly, it is because they are insecure deep down and are afraid of what they might find.

Quick Weight Update

I lost another 3lbs last week. I did some cheating though. That is 9lbs total in the 2 weeks that I have been dieting. I now stand at 207lbs. 175 here I come.

Just When I Thought I Was Out... They Pull Me Back In

Did You even know that there was such a thing as bipolar remission?

That article was the result of searching for how I felt.

Remission. I feel like I am in remission.

There is so much online about remission. I knew it wasn't in my head. Remission really IS what I am going through.

One site said: Bipolar disorder may involve long periods of remission between episodes. Everyone can be lulled into a false sense of security. This fosters denial of the illness and premature medication cessation.

Wow!

Wait, now remission means it could come back. Hmmmm, I guess it's too early to tell if I'm in remission or if I healed myself. My goal is to heal myself, so I'll keep ya posted.

Anyway, I feel great to know this, like I'm more aware and have been given a heads up on an assassin that may try to get me. Or maybe I watch too much Law & Order.

So grateful for info available on the Internet.

Click on Butterfly’s above post to visit her blog. She has some links to sites about BP remission hyperlinked into the same post on her site.

This is exactly how my week has gone. I wasn’t overly happy or anything. I wasn’t overly sad. I functioned with out animosity for the world. I wasn’t affected by noise. My nerves weren’t grated. Humans didn’t seem inferior to my omnipotence. I wasn’t irrational and irritated. I guess you would call it normalcy. I was a lukewarm normal person. I was feeling fine and that was fine by me. I actually started to think that maybe I was regulated somehow. Was it the Omega 3 fish oil that I just started taking? Was it the fact that I wasn’t stuffing myself like a plucked turkey? Was I maybe not really bipolar anymore?

Then came Friday. I awoke to a world of inferior lifeforms that didn’t deserve to be in my almighty presence. Them merely talking among themselves in the living room down the hall was aggravating. Just shut the fuck up. Do you always have to talk I thought? It still didn’t dawn on me that I was being irrational. I got up went into the living room. I got on my computer lifeline. Within 5 min I had already told my children to calm down. Hey be quiet. What don’t we get about be fucking quiet. Stop running all around. I’m not being cranky Ash-wife, they aren’t listening. My mom comes over. Mom you are really aggravating the shit out of me I think. I am very short with her. She is making no sense. She is having a bad day mentally and being totally irrational. She is saying stupid senseless shit that has me on edge. I still don’t really get that I am different. Everyone is making me this way. It isn’t me. I am starting to have an anxiety attack as mom is being irrational. She is ready to leave. She sees that I am in a mood. Dad pulls into the yard. I hug her bye and watch her go out the door. She pops her head back in and says that dad said to tell me that he just caught a big fish. I succinctly and curtly say that’s nice, later, bye. As an afterthought a min later I realize that it wouldn’t be nice to not say hi to dad. I walk out to the truck and say hi and bye, really just wanting them to leave.

Ash-wife tells me that I’m being really mean and short as I walk back in. That I have treated her like shit and the kids like shit since I got up and that I just treated my mom like a piece of shit. It just dawns on me that she is totally right. I am having an episode for the first time in close to a week. Normalcy over. Asshole endured and overcame the fight with remission. Remission you ain’t shit. WaHaHaHa. What were you thinking? That you were a nice person that thought everyone’s thoughts and opinions were just as important as your own. PO’leeze, the world should just be happy that you are in it. You are fucked and defective. Didn’t you know that. You are bipolar. Now deal with it. I tell her that I can’t help it and that didn’t really even realize that I was being that way until she just pointed it out. She asked if there was anything that I could take to calm myself. I told her no but that it was time for my night meds. She said that she was really worried about me going to work that night. She was afraid I was going to continue on my current path of destruction. I told her that there wasn’t anything that I could do, no one to call to cover for me, that I would just have to ride it out. I said lets hope that I have an easy night with no problems so I could stay in my office and not be put in any situations that I had to make snappy decisions. I am calmer as I get ready for work. I think it was due to being aware that I was in a pert mood.

At work I am a little short with my press guys that live in the larger office outside my office. They tell me that I have the crazy eyes going. I try to calm myself. I do. Then I get a call that a machine had broken badly. I put on my radio and head to the problem. I take an assessment and the prognosis wasn’t the greatest. I supervise as my guys work on the situation. I am acutely attuned to every aspect of their job and what they are working on. It was almost like the world was in slow motion. I saw where I could jump in and do things that they were taking too long doing. But hey, when you are on the outside looking in you can see things clearer; it’s not necessarily that I was superior, although it felt that way. I caught myself before I griped at some of the things that they were doing. I was kind of getting a little work-up as I watched. I decided to remove myself from the situation for a minute and let them handle themselves. I am proud of myself for doing this. I took a walk around the facility and cleared my head as I told myself that they were doing a good job; they actually were doing a good job, but my BP was on over-critical mode. I went back and held myself together. I was worked up to the point of running my mouth again in around 20 min because they were checking over the whole machine and taking a long time doing it. Just as I am ready to ruin the moral of my people they buttoned everything up and were ready to rock. I tell everyone good job and that they had done it well with a faked smile. Later we had another problem. This time one of my guys wasn’t very observant and overlooked that there was a problem. He tried to manually run the machine and jammed everything tight ass hell and turned a 10 min problem into a 45 min problem. This time I jumped right in there and helped out because I could see that they were trying to fix it the hard way and that it would have took a long time. As I ran the team I was very positive and didn’t treat anyone adversely. We got finished and I told everyone good job. I then sat with the guys that normally would fix the problem and ran through the whole scenario and taught them how to do it the right way. I told them that we all make mistakes and that even though what happened sucked for all of us, that as long as we learned from the situation, that it would make us stronger, and that I was happy. I was happy with the way I handled the second problem outwardly and emotionally. I didn’t have an anxiety attack – not even slightly. The first problem, I treated everyone well, but inside I was tilting. The second problem I didn’t feel any anxiety even though I jumped in and helped.

I might actually be beginning to get a slight handle on my anger and unfavorable emotions. But I need to get a higher sensitivity to my feelings and emotions; they are a muddled language that is very cryptic and difficult for me to unravel. I just don’t really see it until I hit maximum overdrive. I need to find a way to get more attuned to my inner self sooner so I can repress my ferocity, irritability, and arrogance before it is outwardly noticeable. That is the ultimate goal of the moment. I am afraid that if Ash-wife wouldn’t have pointed my mood out to me that I would have mistreated people that didn’t deserve it. You never know, I might even have had that catastrophic blow-up that ends my current career. Hopefully that day doesn’t come; I have been trying so hard to keep that at bay.

The Bad Dream

My wife came in got me up because my mom was coming over. She said that Ash-daughter had scared her horribly that morning. She said that Ash-girl told her about a bad dream that she had the previous night. Ash-wife was really worked up as she began telling the story. It was obvious that it had really affected her, so I forced the sleep from the corners of my eyes and paid attention.

Ash-daughter's dream

I bug got into my head, in my brain. It traveled to my tummy and I got sick. You took me to the Dr and he said it was cancer. He said that I had 3 days to live.

Day 1 grandma came to visit and started crying. She said that see couldn’t take this again. First her daughter had cancer and now her granddaughter.

Day 2 Ash-boy came and said he was sorry for being mean to me. He said that he was sorry for all the times that he called me names and picked on me.

Day 3 you were laying on me crying bad and hugging me momma. Then I died. I was looking down at you holding me and screaming.

That certainly must have been a pretty fucked up dream to hear from your 8 year old. Ash-wife was truly distraught about the whole thing. She said that she didn’t ever want to think about it again. I have to admit that it was a pretty unnerving because of all the details and just mentioning the C-word is dreadful.

Still Angry at Times

I called off my T-doc appointment due to a serious head cold. This is the first time I’ve been sick in like 2 years so I can’t really complain too much.

I’m still having a little trouble controlling my rage. I have been getting a little irritated with the kids. Often their voices dig into my brain. I’m a little short here and there, but overall I’m pretty nice. I did scream very loud at Ash-boy last night. He kept shooting me with a toy gun and we were playing. I told him to stop because I was sick of getting shot. I then went into my bedroom and laid down for bed and to watch some TV. He stopped for a few min, but then he kept coming in my room and pointing it in my face and acting like he was going to shoot me in the face. I told him to stop repeatedly to no avail. I then told him I wasn’t playing anymore, but he kept it up. Finally I snapped and screamed very aggressively at him. All I saw was red. I would have thrown something at him if I was holding something at the time. I know I would have. It would have been totally wrong, but I know I would have. So I realize that I still have a long way to go with this insta-rage. I hope that there is a way to quell this problem. I have kept myself from over-reacting and getting angry a few times over the last few days. I want to get mad, but somehow stop from doing it. But this screaming at Ash-boy was different. I had no control and that scares me. There was thinking my way out of it; it was pure anger. I had an anxiety attack when I yelled. It took a few mins for my body to regulate itself.

I have been cheating a little the last few days on the diet. I will have to try harder. Being at home all day on my days off makes it temping because all I have is time and snacks looking at me with there bedroom-eyes. Damn temptresses.

Later, Ash out…

Snippets

I have just weighed myself at 9:30PM after watching my beloved Detroit Pistons whip the shit out of the Bulls. Fuck you Wallace; we don't need you, you money grubbing bitch. I now weigh 210lbs. That is -6lbs in week 1.

I have drank a lot of red wine tonight after my last day of work and I can't truly say why. Who fuckin' cares.

HATE. Death and Destruction. Bring it fuckers.

I hate my job and take my considerable vacation time around when I work days. Recap: I work 4, 12hr days, 7am to 7pm – 4 days off – 4, 12hr nights, 7pm to 7am. My T-doc and P-doc both say that this is a very hard schedule for me and that it is unhealthy physically and mentally. I don’t take vacation to do things: I take vacation to reduce my stress. You see, Mon–Fri 7am-4pm the bosses at my plant are there. I hate this time at work. Thursdays are the very worst for me. On Thurs we shut down the whole mill and every department. – Green End, Production, Finish End, Electrical, Mechanical, environmental, and Quality Control all work on upkeep of their individual processes. All in all I am responsible for making sure that they complete there work on time; lets round it off at 100 individual people. I walk around and make sure everyone is working at a productive pace. I need to find out who is going to hold my start-up up. They damn sure better have a good reason. We go down at 7:30am thru 3:30pm - 8hrs: 480mins. That is my allotted time to keep the mill down. After that my personal Crew is docked efficiency for every min that the mill doesn’t run. This is a very tedious process, which I have been one of the best at since I started running my crew 5 years ago. I was a tyrant to some and a mentor to others. I kept people to task. I was told in my evaluations that I take my job too seriously and put too much stress on myself. That I am the top performer usually, with the most talented crew, and therefore I should relax and slow the pace a bit. I have always strove to do my best. Sometimes my assertiveness would kick-in as I tried to perform. I sometimes would snap at people and tell them of their incompetence. I was a stern taskmaster. You either performed or you felt my wrath. I would be the best and you better not be the weakest link. Don’t take this to mean that I showed no compassion. I was respected and loved by my crew. I treated my crew like a coddled, cherished prize. I covered up their mishaps and fuck-ups. I saved many jobs at risk to my own employment. My crew was my family and they would do anything for me. They performed for me alone. But sadly I kept expecting more from everyone that wasn’t a part of my crew, especially on D. days. You must realize that these other people on Down Days weren’t my guys, they reported to others, although I was ultimately responsible for their performances on D. Day. I was manic a few too many times and I was reported to management as an antagonist to put it lightly. Incompetence, I just couldn’t stand. I am a perfectionist and I need to be validated as the best of the best or I can’t relax and sleep at night. Honestly they expect this of me. They are the Man. They are Conglomerate. I am a fucking pawn, people. It is expected of me, but just don’t get a bad wrap. I hate my fucking job. I have no true friends. Everyone has an ulterior motive. Brown-nosing bastards. Aren’t you glad that I’m drunk and opening up a bit. I took it too far. I got turned in a few too many times for snapping, and they tried to fire me. My crew, whom I have treated like gold all went up front to management and protested. My job was spared due solely to the love my crew had for me because of how I treated them. I was placed on days for 6 months of probation. This wasn’t due solely to my treatment of incompetent bastards that didn’t deserve their jobs in the first place. I had a bad reputation of going up front in the management meetings and calling department heads incompetent in front of everyone. I would normally know when to shut-up, but when I was manic, the beast would come out and I would snap at the board meetings. Imagine that I am accountable for every min (720min) of my 12 hr shift. No matter which dept was at fault, I was still ultimately the culprit and I better understand every aspect of every damn min that the mill isn’t running. We actually have a screen on the wall that the computer projects every min that I wasn’t making product. I have to explain why we weren’t running and what I did to remedy the problem. You see, I am a very anal person that needs to know every aspect of every fucking thing. If I had to explain it, you better bet your ass that I can tell you what the problem was. I would tell department mangers what was the problem because I had researched deeply, at much stress to myself. I would inform them of the problem. I would then go on my for days off. When I came back I was finding that they hadn’t fixed the problems that I had told them about 4 days earlier. I would snap and tell them that they weren’t doing their jobs efficiently. After a while of butting heads with the highest people at your plant, the Plant Manager will slap you down, right or wrong. Months after being taken from my crew I was allowed back because I had excelled again with the small day crew that I was given and had maintained calm. Being put on days was an embarrassing time for me. Assholes leaked why I was on days. I was told if I have just one more major outburst it is the end of my job. At first I thought I would end up being sabotaged and framed by people – ambitious or people that have a grudge. But that didn't happen. Actually it was tried once but it didn't work because enough people were present to counter a few peoples' lies. I was placed back on my crew over a year ago. I took them and put them back on top and was the best performing crew once again. At my evaluation I was given the highest raise among Sup’s, yet I was once again docked for lack of professional communication. My manic ass once again snapped a few more times, yet not nearly as bad. I can usually repress my opinions and take them home and run them over and over though my mind, but when I’m manic I tell the people at the morning meetings that they suck and aren’t doing their best. It is my BP at it’s best that tries to take my job. I was told that I was the smartest and most responsible Sup that they had, but that I needed to calm down and let the mill run without my stern arm. That I was out-performing everyone, so I just needed to not worry so much. Just let pieces fall as they may. I have this year tried that philosophy as of yet and I just sit in my office mostly. I could do so much more, but this is what they ask of me. Sadly this is how the other Sup's spend their days and they don't get near as stressed as I do. I need my job; I hate my job. It sucks when someone tells you to do less than your best. I need to feed my family so I will play their game. So back to the beginning of this super long paragraph, I now try not to work on days Mon – Fri. If I have to work Mon thru Thurs on day or Tues thru Fri on days I just take that week off of work. That keeps me away from all the bosses and a D.D. You would be amazed at the stress that I escape by taking this vacation. Sadly you shouldn’t hate your job that much. But where else would an under-achieving GED fuck flourish. God I hate my life, but I’m willing to endure for the security of my family. What is my soul worth anyways?

I think I have a gambling problem that I am infecting others with. I have played poker at work today with certain members of my crew. Now that's a close-knit crew.

Oh yea, I got a couple of responses back from blog advertising sites that I applied for back when it was just my poker site. They want me now that I have people actually reading a fuckin' blog of mine. I plan to review ads for these sites. I hope that doesn't make me a sellout. I figure if I'm going to be blogging anyways for what I truly believe in, I mind as well get paid.

What does 6 lbs mean when the world is shit . FTW.

Later, Ash fuckin' out.

It’s All Pseudo-science and Psychobabble

Colorgenics along with most personality tests, astrology, tarot cards, throwing down chicken bones, phone psychics, soothsayers, clairvoyants, etc. have more to do with your core beliefs and superstitions due to how you were raised, and the skill of the perpetrator, than science of any caliber. They prey on insecurities and half-beliefs and hopes and dreams that we think or need to think about ourselves. Often they can be used for good. Psychics often help give closure for relatives of dead loved-ones by telling them that they are happy in the afterlife or that they forgive some past transgression by the living. But mostly it is negative some way, whether by giving false hope about fortune, fame, or love or reinforcing and validating negative traits that we wrongly thing about ourselves. In the colorgenics paragraphs for every positive there was one or more negative. If you say both sides of everything, something in there will hit close enough to home that it seems remarkable that they “knew” that about you. It is fun to try and laugh about, but never put your faith in a faithless thing, it usually hurts in the end. But that’s just my opinion. I am a born skeptic and critical thinker. I’d have to catch a ghost to believe in them. OK, maybe not or I wouldn't be afraid of the dark while alone.

Your thoughts?

I knew you where going to think that!

The Waders Confrontation

I tried on my days off, leading up to this confrontation with the “Assholes,” to use some of the new techniques on anxiety suppression that I have recently learned from therapy and the book she has me reading. My T-doc will be happy. Basically I forced myself to think about something else every time it popped into my head and kept telling myself that I wasn’t going to blow up when we met. It wasn’t a breeze though; every time I thought about it did make me angry until I pushed it from my thoughts. The night that happened, I got a little snappy and Ash-wife told me so. She said that just because I was mad at them not to take it out on her and the kids. She was right; I was lashing out because I was mad. That was when I decided to try to stop the catastrophic thinking about the situation.

Well I let Van Horn and Smity off the hook. They came to me and apologized. Apparently Smity relayed that I was pissed. I kinda gave them a mini-lecture on consideration and friendship. I remained calm, but I did feel that my anxiety wanted to hit critical mass. I repressed it and kind of blew it off with some jokes. I told them that I was really pissed at first and that I had gotten over it, but that it still hurt. I explained the ardor my son showed about the promised outing as he talked about trip in earnest for 2 days. They said that they felt like shit. I said good, that they should. That I wouldn’t do that to anyone. That if I make an arrangement with someone, that not only do I show-up, that I make sure I’m there on time. I said that if unforeseen circumstance I had to call it off that I could guarantee that I would call that person. I also said that I didn’t even have to be friends or like the person to call them, that it was just a matter of respect and being a decent, well-mannered person. I mentioned over and over throughout the conversation that it was them that invited me and my son. I mentioned that we went out of our way to get a net and borrow waders, and that I even bought my fishing license just for the trip. I kind of just left it at that.

Later, the guy that let me borrow the waders for my son started livening it up more by talking junk. He started asking if I wanted to go smelting on my day off and said that if he couldn’t go he would give me a ring and call it off, thus not leaving me hanging. Smity and Van Horn told him to shut-up and not get me started again. We all laughed it up a bit. Then I kicked out a joking analogy. I told them that I felt like a teenage girl on prom night. I bought a dress that I wouldn’t finish paying off for some time. That I had spent countless time in front of the mirror with my mom trying to look perfect. That it was my big day. That I waited and waited for my date to come. That I waited for my corsage to be buttoned to my dress, only to continue waiting. That I was stood-up by an inconsiderate bastard and would be scarred for life. That he was the one that invited me to the prom, not the other way around. We all laughed.

Funny related story. I work with some goofy people. The guy that let me borrow the waders laid a condition upon using them. Now realize that he was the one that offered to loan them to me, because he was in the room with us when we were setting up the trip. Verbatim he said, “You can borrow them, but you have to tell your son not to pee in them. If you pee in them, you’ve bought them.” He was serious. We all laughed. I asked him if he was fucking retarded. He stated that he just didn’t want anyone peeing in them. I told him that I didn’t even have to mention this to my son and I’m sure that it wouldn’t even enter his mind to piss in his fuckin’ waders. I told him that my 8 year old daughter wouldn’t pee in them. That who in there right mind would pee in someone else’s waders, let alone there own for that matter. We all started picking on him. I told him that he was wasting his life worrying about stupid shit. That it was me most irrational thing I had ever heard and that he had made my day. That I would think about it every time I was down. We picked on him some more. I told him I could tell him just how irrational his fear was. I told him the whole purpose of wearing waders was to stay dry, so why would anyone piss oneself and stand around wet in pee. That it defeated the whole purpose of wearing waders in the first place. He said that he understood and we all continued to laugh. My sides hurt. He truly is one goofy MF.

Colorgenics What BS… AKA… You 2 Have Wasted 5 Min of My Life… AKA… You Know Who You Are - LOL.

At this time you are feeling 'uptight' and you are urgently in need of rest and relaxation; but perhaps even more than that you need to overcome that feeling that you have been 'hard done by' and treated with a complete lack of consideration. Maybe you have, but whatever may have been the cause of your inherent anxiety, you regard the situation as intolerable. Your are, however, sufficiently competent to turn that situation around - you have overcome similar problems in the past, and really this one isn't too different.

Everything seems to be going against you at this time. Try as you may you are meeting with considerable resistance at every turn. Nothing is going as you would plan. The situation is difficult and you are trying to persist in your objectives against resistance. It would appear that you are being very secretive about your future plans just in case people around you try to thwart you.

Your confidence has been shattered. There are so many things that you would like to do with your life, so many dreams to be fulfilled - and you know that your hopes and dreams are not just figments of your imagination, they are real and you are looking for reassurance from someone. Basically your fears are such that you may be prevented in attaining your hopes and dreams. Even now you would like to broaden your fields of endeavour but in order to develop your 'inner- self' you need peace and solace. You are distressed by the fear that you may be prevented from attaining your goals. What you really need at this particular moment in time is quiet reassurance from someone close to you to restore your confidence.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavours and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

Weight Management

Weight Background

I never hit 140lbs until I was 24 year’s old. Picture a young Mick Jagar’s physique. Not the gargantuan mouth, just the scrawny body type. I dance like him also – jokin’. I smoked from the time I was 13 year’s old at a pack and a half a day until I was 24 at which time I was burning through three packs a day. When I quit I made my way up to 185lbs within a few years. I then took up Muey Thai. (Kickboxing with knees and elbows added in.) I lived around 170lbs for a few years. 2 year’s ago I got down to 155lbs, but my set point was 170lbs. The gym closed and I still stayed around 170-180lbs. Then in august of 2005 I was diagnosed. I went on Meds – started with Depakote and then Seroquel. I got up to 210lbs and me and a friend made a bet who could lose the most weight in a month. I won by losing 30lbs to his 28lbs. Fast-forward 6 months later to the present – I now weigh more than I ever have: 216lbs.

Weight Goal

I want to weigh 175lbs - not too big, not too little. Oh what the hell, lets throw in a timeframe – 6 months. November 1st. That’s close to 7lbs a month, which equates to roughly 2lbs a week. I think I can do it. That is nice and slow, which they say helps remedy the balloon effect. If I lose it more quickly, so be it. 2lbs a week sounds good because I don’t plan on much of an exercise regimen. Actually practicing sports with the kids, pretty much sums it up. I think just not eating after taking my Seroquel will achieve this goal alone. I currently eat until I’m ready to explode after my nightly meds. This will cease today. If I just can’t contain my inner fat bastard on occasion, I will eat a piece of fruit. I will try to update weekly. I think updating will actually help me to stick to it. Lord knows I don’t want to let you guys down. LOL.