Rough Ride With Calm Waters Ahead...hopefully

I've been in the mental ward twice in the last 6 months. I didn.t OD last month. My wife hid the pills and called 911 before I could drown my self-loathing away in a chemical embrace. This life is getting to be too much. If I wasn't for my wife's awesomely powerful love, I doubt my meager love for myself could keep me from the dirt calling. But I'm fine...how 'bout u?

They Are Home But I'm Far From Whole

They came home Sunday Afternoon. My wife and I have talked a lot. My daughter and I have taked a little but she is still a bit uneasy. My son wants nothing to do with me. We think it would be good for them both to see counselors. I am totally willing to have therapy with my son. Maybe a therapist can help me get through all my cold hearted baggage of my upbringing and bipolar brain and get him to understand just how deeply I love him. I have to go slowly and teach myself via my counseling to open up and show my family the love inside before it's too late. He leaves for college in one year. This is likely my last hope for the relationship I envision.

I Guess I Left Them Before They Left Me

My family left me Friday night after I snapped. I'm sure I scared them with my selfish, mean-spirited, intimidating comments and actions. Abuse is abuse, even if verbal or fear of psychosis . It is like what countless people (teachers, bosses, friends) have always had to say to me: there is nothing wrong with what you said, it was how you said it.

They are staying at her parents'. It is Sunday morning now. My son slipped in sometime this morning and left his car for me and my phone. I tried to call Amber but she didn't answer. I'll leave a message next time I call; say I'm sorry and ask them to come home. If nothing else, let her know that I'll leave for a little while so they can grab some things.

I'm very depressed, but not in a depressive episode. I would never kill myself in this situation. I'm a selfish bastard, they is obvious to me, but not enough to leave my family false guilt that they caused or played a part in my suicide. Weird how one can be good and shit inside at the same time. I find myself looking to the driveway habitually just like our dogs. I hope they give me a chance to get help. This is the whole reason I decided to start seeing a counselor. Pills can only do so much. I need to talk through my issues and know my triggers. To make myself worthy of their love, be the best father/husband I can be. Too bad my first appointment isn't until the end of the month. At least they brought my phone. I'm pretty that means she wants some type of communication. I wouldn't blame them if they left me. No one should have to put up with a bipolar person, because even when they love with all their heart, their mind is broken. This is the exact reason that I tried to kill myself last month. They put up with me because they love me, I know. The good times are better than the bad with me, but really how fair is that to them. So as much as I love them and need them, I will honor their decision. I will take it slow and leave only one message and then let them choose to reciprocate.

I'm not a bad person inside, I was just put together wrong. I am at fault. I want no pity. I just want my family back.

Dreams cont: Shades/Wraiths Pt 1

 I will recall the shade dreams when I awake, although they aren't visually stimulating, but they are emotionally dreadful and appear with a  lifethreatening fear. With an actual adrenaline producing anxiety to the point of my mind telling my physical body of the danger, thus my mind contriving to stimulate myself awake by talking/mumbling, flinching, shaking so I can break free of the dream's hold before I pop. I recall more of what it isn't than what it is. It, the wraith, the evil antagonist, is a dark deeply negative absence, thus shade or shadow creature. An absence of light; pure evil vileness. It lives in the fog, it controls the fog, and it quite possibly are the fog that shrouds every aspect of the nightmare's atmosphere and near physical surroundings. The shade seems to be a hooded bipedal figure in flowing robes. But whether a man in a robe, a demon, or a mere presence, I never have understood. I can feel its very pestilence hot on my neck as it chases me through a dark foggy dreamrealm. Ever is it right there behind me as I flee onward. I dare not look back, because I know in my very core/soul that if I don't wake myself up before I tire of running, even if I slow my pace one iota, I will never wake up - I will die when it catches me! Do I honestly believe I would die? No of course not, but my subconscious believes it and has my CNS convinced also. I awake after pleading to escape what I know is a dream in a pool of sweat and a lingering feeling of dread and a sense that I am still being watched in some odd and menacing way. If I go right back to sleep I often fall back into the dream, especially if I don't roll over or adjust where I'm facing in the room.

These dreams added a ton of undue stress to my waking life. I already have nightly issues winding down to sleep. Fear of upcoming hounding nightmares just seemed overly unjust. To be continued...

Always Be Your Man

I need to unzip my double helix
To find a way to beat this
To make my genes fit
'cause I've got a wishlist
To change this
To rearange this shit
To hone this
To own this
Maybe sneek in a bonus
To make me more unflappable
To make me more compatible
To make me what I should have been
What I could have been
To cure all that ills
To be shiny
To be perfect
To be you
To be all that you deserve
Perfect wouldn't be enough
But until then I will work with what I am
And change what I can
Because my only goal is to always be your man

Back from the Dead or Week in the Ward

I crashed hard from my weeks of mania. I found myself alone and full of self-loathing. I decided that I was more of a burden on my family alive than dead. I grabbed a notebook and on the back porch I began taking my Adivan one by one as I wrote through teary eyes, a suicide letter. I explained my endless love for my family and gave each a personal good bye and thoughts on my hopes for their future. I didn't remember much of what I wrote (read since) but I do recall falling and ripping out my daughter's section as I blacked out. My family came home and found me soon after.
I awoke in the psychiatric ward of a hospital and then a week of hell that still haunts near every thought currently. I am on some different meds that seem to be helping, although I am having some problems adjusting outside with odd thoughts and feelings. I have a court ordered therapist, because I guess I was very aggressive coming out of the overdose and drugged up. The police escorted me the two hrs to the ward in cuffs, but I don't remember any of it. I had a bad experience with my last counslor, but I think this will be for the best and I plan to keep going to a therapist, so I can get my self respect/self worth issue where it needs to be. Because I will hit the dark spot again no matter what meds I am on. That's just how the bipolar mind works. It just keeps running and ducking and darting as neurons change how and when they communicate. So this next time I need to be ready mentally to fight my selfish need to leave this world.
I am right back to being very manic. My wife and I are worried about another crash. I have been out for four days and I'm not sleeping well. Last night I did but I'm not sure if I was merely exhausted or the PM pill I added was enough to allow the Sandman in.) May wife took over my meds and she doles them to me like a little kid, but at least she doesn't ask to see in my mouth like at the ward!
I hope to post my experiences in the hospital before I forget them.

Crazy Manic

I plan to actually post some things soon. I was short on funds and had to ration my meds. All over the place. Back on full doses but I have been manic for a good week solid. I'm getting a ton done in a round about way. I start one project or task, then go to grab something, and realize something in that room needs done. I start working there until I leave that room for a sec. So I have 5 or more things going at once. I over analyze and make sure I take multiple supplies to all my jobs on every trip through the house or yard, because god forbid I waste time and energy or eat, drink, or take a break.

Reassessing Society After Being Stereotyped Might Open Eyes

Duality concept of prejudice.  It's wisdom by pain really. You never quite understand prejudice and discrimination until life suddenly drops you into a new category that is dehumanized, stygmatized, and stereotyped. You quicky begin to realize that all of bigotry you learned as a child was needless, baseless, worthless hate. The new smile sheds that old hate as critical thinking leads your path, defying lies and manipulation and hate.

My daughter's Unintended Bipolar Picture

I stole this clip/pic from my daughter's latest music video animation. With her consent obviously. It was from the song Jar of Hearts and didn't represent Bipolar, yet portrayed the wild ride emotions in a love-hate relationship. But to me it represented duality and being Bipolar it hit home. I plan to display it on my profile. Lastly it is a girl yet is ndrogynous enough to be my avatar. I love her anime influenced style.

Unfake

Ultimately life is what you make it
If you're not fake
Then you won't have to fake it
Unashamedly be yourself
Drink the water or the wine, or both, but not messed together, your choice really, there I go all willy-nilly imposing my personal values on your beverage
Be proud with an open mind and anyone that can't accept you for you, very respectfully tell them to fuck off
And go back to your unwatered-down reality

MINDY How I Loved You

My Min-Pin Mindy died at 1:30 pm yesterday. She 11 years old. She was getting old, plus we found out she was diabetic 6 months back. She was skin and bones, yet she ate and drank non-stop. We gave her shots and and adjusted, and her weight and habits fluxed, but she always went back to near emaciation. A month or 2 back she became almost totally blind and start peeing in the house off and on, more towards tha end. But oddly she functioned well, even energetic. The vet seemed to feel that she would be better to be with us and not bad enough to be put down. I won't go into the 3 hrs my wife and I spent with Mindy in the end. We buried her in the back yard. We filmed it and remembered personal relationships with her. I did the ol' dark glasses thing, but they all knew tho they didn't push it. Lastly, we took a trip Lake Superior, gathered those beautiful stones and decorated her plot. For 11 years of love she deserved no less. I loved you Mindy and the way your wagging tail could alleviate some of the darkness in this shitty, hate-feeled, decadent, world of bigotry and sheep.

I am currently experiencing some drastic side effects

Negative side effect 1: ALLERGIC TO SUNLIGHT. I am allergic to over sun exposure. Never have I dealt with this bumpy, itchy rash on my current meds. It is a bumpy rash on my forearms, where I got sunburned. A few years back I was placed on a new drug and due to this same side effect I quit after 4 days in my system. It was 5 x or so worse than my current reaction. That first drug's effect once again mostly limited to my forearms. But my arms had the itchiest rash that was thick leathery bumps and felt toads' skin. It horribly and going outside made it worse. It lasted for to months well after I thought it was permanent. My Dr knew of the possible side effect. He warned that even with not taking the meds I could retain the allergy to sun for life. I would guess 2 years have gone since the origin of the ailment, with last Summer being free, so I figured I was in the clear until a week ago. I will investigate side effects of my and try to narrow the cause.

Negative side effect 2: Impetuosity. My current mental level/regulation or med side effect. I've dealt with the issue off and on in life but on different aspects of impetuousness. My current situation is having a conversation and see what I should say and actually have to fight not to say. The fear is the problem with this issue an the feeling that very mind is messing with and tries to force to with impulse. Hard to define and explain. There usually would be totally uncouth or just would go with tha conversation. Usually a normal member of society would get these same thoughts and the subconscious or non conscience would quickly filter them out. So I have been on guard for a few weeks.

I am sorry for the slow-coming updates but my mood shifts like haphazard stacks of ledgers and scrolls. One must guide me onward for I am lost in a mere black with decisions and fear and hate.

I had a run-in with my former bully dickhead. I wasn't right for days. I must tell this short story, seeing as I was emotional jello and in analytical spazz mode.

Also I blew-up at my parents. I need to document this. She called today. I let it go to voice mail. Funny that we don't have control over who and how we love.

My notebooks aren't in my pockets. My brain is in search-mode. Stagnant. If I don't find a new vice soon I will likely pay the ferryman's toll to a dark episode. What level is the surprise. But better yet I need to find sometime anew, cool, and hopefully lasting.

Amazon last picks:

Mortar and pestle

 Tenacious D new Rize of the Fenix album.

My Dreams and thoughts

ACT II

I sleep with my eyes slightly cracked and often objects filter through and distort my dreams. That's why i purposely turn or roll over when i'm having the dream within the dream of danger, evil, and anxiety, yet I can't wake myself up from the dream. Turning allows me to steer away from the darkness looming. These shortish semi dreams compound over and onwatd as I drift between near-waking down through the stages to REM and back up. Not positive if I can actually hit REM dreamscapes at such shallow semi-conscience dosing. Likely at level 2 or 3 sleep state. Obviously I would rather purposely try to stay under, than the dread dream-in-a-dream scenario. When I have lucid control I love it at times, but when darkness control my fate, I fear where we go.

My DREAMS: Flavorful, Dreadful, Vivid, Yet Not Recalled

ACT I

I dream vivid, vibrant and often lucid dreams, where I can slightly alter them. Usually when I just can't get up because of laziness, depression, or needing the wanderlust of the changing story, and awareness I hold reins to a dream altering capability to steer the dream to a wanted/specific end/conclusion. So in and out of semi-cognasient awake/sleep state over and over. Purposely Dozing I would say. Move the dream along a little farther until the external stymuli tries to bring me back to the waking world. I will then fight to lose myself again. Repeat and rinse, until the the fluxuating dream takes me too far off the path to want to attempt to change/steer again. Everytime you go back to drive the story, it changes a little or lot and makes it more difficult to achieve your goal. Something in the dream realm alters whether small or large or for good or bad. You, your role, the cast, the era, period, the place, atmospere, feeling, mood, sence of well-being.

More to come on my few remembered dreams and some dream theory. A childhood episode. Shades, the dread they left on my psyche. My son's night terrors still tormenting at 17 yrs old and the odd actions the nightmare cause his sleep-state to perform.

Is Anyone Else Always Wired and Have to be Shutdown With Medicinal Cntl-Alt-Delete?

Does anyone else's mind always run non-stop? Manic even when in a depression. Obsessing about being depressed. I have to take prescribed sleeping/something pills plus ativan just to knock me out at night. It still takes 4-6 hrs for them to put me out, so I have to estimate when I would like to sleep. Sometimes I have to add a few OTC PM pills if I'm really focused on a subject, positive or negative subjest matters not. Get so miserable you just keep popping pill until you find yourself waking up. You really shouldn't have to fear an overdose just to get your mind to shutdown. And no, I'm not talking occasionally. This is me everyday. And when I let my script run out the last 2 times, I was awake 40+ hrs until I got the pills refilled. And that was with taking many PM pills to no avail. And I wasn't happy super productivity time. No, after the first day or so DT's kick in and I feel like I have a moster flu throughout my whole body. Vomitting and the sensation that my brain has become untethered and is sloshing around in a viscous liquid both painful and pressurized every time I move and hit walls of my skull. Running out of Lithium also causes me these DT's.

I have to see my psych today. My anxiety level is already at a 3 or 4.

Sorry About My Regularity...I Need More Fiber...or is it less

Sorry I haven't been around much as of late. I have been doing a lot of nothing and a little of something. My thoughts are everywhere lately, which counterintuitively means less productivity overall. Family calls... 2 things i would like to discuss at length are my p-doc appointment on Monday and 2 days of anxiety and tumbling and turbulent thoughts. I am starting to think I'm an emotional moron. How can I be so good at reading others but so weak with in controling my own mind. Family calls...later for now.

I'm Crafty or 2 Weeks of Stressful Stress

I'm slowing down as of last Friday! I have been pulled in so many directions at once. My anxiety was palpably tangible to anyone around me. My eyes seemed to not blink. Crazy eyes everyone has always called it. Although my mind has slowed I still have many, many things pulling me; I just don't feel as much pressure. I can handle more thoughts than those damned normies I would wager, not that it is a positive quality. My thoughts don't bottleneck due to the faulty circuitry. My WI-FI sucks is the real issue.

Current obsessions:

• Guitar - I'm not playing Guitarsmith as often, but I spend time on Youtube or practicing chords or beginner riffs. I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I don't practice enough. I think I'm afraid that if I lose focus I will lose interest and drop it like so many other things that once had allure. I know I have talent and I'm good at so many things in ways, yet I'm not great at anything. Like the saying "jack of all trades yet the master of none. I have the hope that maybe guitar/songwriting might be my one great talent and love that never leaves me. Not likey, but I will always be searching until I find it or my journey ends.

• Herbs, wild edibles, and natural remedies - Reading, practicing, gathering and researching wild edibles in my new books and on that there internets. Now I have an itch to walk at different locations in my area and look for and identify new plants for my knowledge. I love primitive skills, buchcraft, and woodscraft of all sorts.

• Survivalism/prepper/minimalism/self reliance and sustainability - No I don't think the world's apocalypse is going to occur on the year's winter solstice and our supposed galactic alignment. I'm not that crazy! It is going to fun to watch the real crazies at year's end though. I bought Jiffy Pop specially for the show. I love history and primitive, natural, and little remembered skills and technologies. I'm also a big science buff and when you delve into the ifs and and buts, you realise that there are many viable, practical, scientific scenarios that could create a short or long-term collapse of society. And like everything I do, I do it maniacally. I hope it never happens, but if I just turned a blind eye to this arrogant, decadent, jacked-in world, and didn't learn all that I can just in case, that just wouldn't be me. Storing extra food and water and medical supplies in case of a natural or man-made disaster or societal upheaval isn't really as extremist-ish as most normal rational folks would believe. I rotate my stored foods so they don't spoil. Plus we normally eat and enjoy everything I store, so basically we merely have a big pantry. Also I try to buy in bulk, not that much but extra, while I notice stuff on sale. And now if we run a little short before checks, we have tastier options that PB&J's and ramen. So don't be alarmed when I talk survival talk because I mean everything from weaving a basket for flowers to using that same weaving technique to make a fish weir. It is all to feed my hungry aggravating need for knowledge, romance with modern and ancient cultures and wisdom, and the security those things can help me bring to my loved ones if the need were to ever arise. But yes I understand that go a little deeper than normal at times. Like to camping by myself in 2 ft of snow and twenty degrees out to test my equipment.

• Son's football - This was the big part of my anxiety overload. I even was getting the chest pains and the deep sighs. An asst coach of a DIII collage e-mailed and asked for some info and implied that he was interested in my son. It is only a very informal first step, but it also means a lot at the same times. That took my brain to spazz-mode and I got online and researched this from every angle on how the process works, examples of how others normally responded, and on and on. My son doesn't help my stress level because he acted all nonchalant and off-handily joked that you treat it like a first date, so you have to let it simmer for at least two days, as to not look too interested. It sat like a rock in my chest until I finally felt educated on the topic to respond in the normal manner. That was the weight that has lifted in the past few days. Now I have a better understanding of the communication process, which should alleviate some stress. The unknown kills me. I feel the pressure to do everything correctly. I over-analyse most situations. I still have to communicate with his high school coach to get the last of his game films for editing. I then will have to dissect all 4 full games to extract any highlight-worthy segments to send to NCSA for their film department for final editing.

• Checking my online for changes - This is rather conceded, egotistical, and needy and makes me feel stupid and pathetic, yet I do this at minimum 5 or 10 times daily. I get on and check my e-mail, facebook for comments and notifications, this blog for comments and pageviews, my Youtube channel inbox, views, notifications, and my son's football recruiting profile for coach views. I hate that I do it but I'm guessing that it might be somewhat normal to a lesser extent is today's socially jacked-in global network.

• P-doc appointment - They cancelled once. It took me forever to set it up the first time. I just fucking hate being psychoanalysed. I just hate going in and airing my dirty laundry. I just hate that my P-doc makes my wife come along so he can get the real truth out of my current state. I feel like a baby. I hate that my check doesn't come in my name or at least I can't legally cash it myself. I set up a new appointment for the end of this month. Now my thoughts will just randomly wander to the upcoming ordeal. He is 37 just like me. A few visits ago he said that owns the same Star Wars shirt that I was wearing. In some weird way that comment made me compare our lives and the forks in the roads that my faulty neurons helped me become lost. That he was my better, more pure alter ego. Like we appeared the same but for my pointy evil-beard. At least it is a tele-med appointment and I don't have to personally shake his hand and lay on his couch. That is a small solace and it feels slightly less real emotionally. I can't ever be too honest with him or even my wife because he will force me into the ward until I play the positivity, monkey-see-monkey-do game. He has asked me to go in of my own volition a few times but I told him I couldn't afford it without insurance. Just typing this, I find myself anxiety ridden. I can't wait for it to get over with. No one can truly know my thoughts for I even repress them. I am not a bad person. I am actually pretty rational, just hurting and crazy, but I want no pity in this life, just maybe some understanding.

• Reading my collapse medical book - I love this book. Not enough diagrams for my liking, but the knowledge is priceless if you become an injured or wounded victim's last resort and no ambulance is coming and there is no hospital. My 10 years of first aid, CPR, AED, and other training, helps me feel a little more prepared to absorb some of this great book's info. I will share some of the info on medications that I found eye-opening, yet not surprising in our elitist, corporate world.

• Spring collection in woods - Primitive items for survival, crafts, and experience, i.e. bones, obsidian, cattails, pine sap, birch bark, fat wood, walking stick worthy tree/limb for carving, and now also searching for herbs and edible/medicinal plants, etc.

• Making a birch bark box with porcupine quill designed lid - It is so much harder than I thought to make this primitive box for my mother-in-law. She has breast cancer and I would feel proud to gift her a box handcrafted by me. I haven't told her about it due to my tendency to procrastinate or lose motivation or interest all together. Research and design ideas are becoming tedious. Processing the quills is slow going. I had to pluck a stinking porky. I have been poked many times by the pitiless barbed modified hairs since the start of this project. I had to size, sort, and grade a far amount of quills. I had to wash the quills and dry. Now I have to trim one end of each hollow quill to help with dyeing process color saturation uniformity. I will then have to separate them into 5 or so different size-blended batches for dying different colors. So no matter the size or diameter quill I need for stitching, the colors will match. All this is research so hopefully my first batch turns out well. I wanted to go traditional on the dyes, but some of the color ingredients aren't likely to be around in spring, and with her illness one never knows a time frame or hopefully a remission. Then on to the fabrication phase which I am currently very hazy on. I have ideas but I want done right. I will keep this first quill design semi-simple because I want it done quickly and I am a novice with the whole project really. I will try to post pics here when finished.

As with everything else on this huge obsession list, I feel pulled by anxiety, need, want, and guilt, by an unseen powerful taskmaster all demanding to get my utmost attention. That is a lot of directions. This is all tearing me apart. Day in day out pulling. It is so hard to satisfy so many mental obligations in this fucked bipolar brain of mine. It feels like I am fighting to stay atop the dwindling grains of sand. I have wrote so much to post, but I get side-tracked away before I get to proofread and post. I promised myself when I started up this blog again that I would use it to document all my issues, thoughts, stresses, symptoms, etc. for future reference, yet I even hide embarrassed from others of similar minds and dysfunctions. Sometimes life feels like a punch to the gut and every time I catch my breath in comes another shot to the sternum. Sorry for the novel. I have spent way too long on this post I surely must be neglecting something. Hopefully not the family.

Boys' Night Out

Well my wife and daughter backed-out of the trip, due to a birthday party and an Easter egg hunt. My son wasn't happy about it and I wasn't either to be honest. But I understand. So my son and I drove over an hr and went to Walmart before his tattoo appointment. Got new tires put on also so we had some time to kill before that would be completed and his tat. I wrote up a small checklist. Actually I have been jotting stuff down for this trip for a week and forgot to consolidate them to a single list. Plus, while there, I didn't even look my notebook so preplanning was non-existent. Here is my list of Items bought.

• Dog walking packs - 2 Repel 40% deet bug dope pens - Damn bugs

• Dog walking pack - 1 Repel 20% deet bug dope/sunscreen pen - no reason to get burnt and bitten

• Survival/walk packs - 2 pack of safety flares/firestarter - I actually said aloud, holy shit they have flares, cool. I will have to test one, soon, sweet!

• Survival/glovebox - Coleman travel towels In A Tube - compressed, add water and towel. Like grown-up bizzaro shinky dinks. Yea, in the cart.

 

• Survival/Walk packs - 2 mosquito head nets - 2 seemed like a good even number that may or may not give me good luck for the day.

 

• Survival - braided fishing line.

 

• Survival - 2 plastic waterpoof match tubes.

 

• Survival packs - 3-pack combo of compression dry bags.

 

• Survival/lake/shade - 5'x7' backpacker's light weight tarp.

 

• Survival/glovebox - 4 piece spork set. got to have 4 - another round number.

 

• Med Kit - Extra large gauze roll.

 

• Med Kit - Triple antibiotic + pain relief.

 

• Med Kit - Neosporin.

 

• Survival - Compass carabiner combo. A use shall come to be.

 

• Survival pack - Gold Bond foot powder.

 

• Survival - 4 function safety whistle.

 

• Walk pack - camper's compressed rolls of TP.

 

• survival/walk pack - Bite valve tips for water bladders

 

• Survival pack - 32oz metal breakdown cup/bottle.

• Wife - nice laptop - she will be mad at first, but when she realised how much it sucked sharing my son's laptop, she we be happy about it.

 

•  Son - Some Silent Hill game. He is big on zombie, horror, and 1st person shooter games. Spends more time texting with his games on pause than actually playing them.

 

• Daughter - Poke Park 2 game. She is big on Pokemon, Sims, Facebook games. Her first love is Manga and Anime so she usually animating on her DS.

 

Getting gas I grabbed a few survival-ish things.

 

• Survival/hygiene pack - pack on unscented wipes. Cleanliness is ...yadda yadda.

 

• Survival pack/fishing kits - Pack of assorted hooks and weights.

 

• Old DJ Friend - 6 80's records. There was one of those "tobacco" shops next to the tattoo parlour. I haven't seen him in years and figured it would make him happy.

 

We ended the boys' night out by watching Wrath of the Titans 3D. We both loved the flick. We talked about many things on the ride home: The movie, football, grades,college, nurture vs nature, critical thinking, religion, the science method, and that it was a natural process to grow beyond me and his mom's and grandparents'' dogmas, ideas, politics, prejudices. I told him never to be ashamed of his personal thoughts, especially to me and his mom. It was a good ride.

Latest Spending Spree

I asked my wife 2 days ago if I could purchase a few items online. She said no problem because 2 of the 3 were not for me personally, but for my son.

• Memories - Son's football highlight dvd.
• Son's recruiting/my Survival vids - Video editing software program.
• Survival/Navigation - A personalised topographic map of my area.

Last night I told her that I had a few things in the Amazon cart and asked her if she would look at it and see what she didn't mind me buying a few. She asked how much it came up to. I said around a hundred with shipping. She said just go ahead, but I could tell she was a little aggravated yet didn't want to say no. I asked if she wanted to know what I was getting and she merely stated no. So I waited until she went to bed and added a few more items so it came up to $110. I got to checkout and it was $145 with shipping. I just clicked the ok button. I felt bad after, but it's like I just can't say stop or say no. It is really dumb. I'm broken, I know. And sadly my brain is full of other items that are aching with need to escape my warped skull. And I have been fighting off my near insane libedo for music and favorite horror and comedy movie, TV show, T-shirt fetish. LOL. I have so many that would like to get before we are back to the fixed budget where I can't afford shit.

• Guitar - 6 pack of rubberised picks.
• Guitar - 6 pack of Pick of Destiny picks.
• Survival/medical kit - 2 Synthetic Suture / Needle Combo kits
• Survival - 2 of 550lb. Type III Paracord 100' Black
• Survivalism - 20 count pack of Ignit-o firestarter
• Survival/art - Israeli M15 Gas Mask Canteen and drinking straw
• Survival/Prepper - Potassium Iodide (anti-radiation) Capsules, 130 mg 120 Capsules
• Survival/Prepper reading - The Wild & Weedy Apothecary: An A to Z Book of Herbal Concoctions, Recipes & Remedies, Practical Know-How & Food for the Soul
• Survival/Prepper reading - Abundantly Wild: Collecting and Cooking Wild Edibles in the Upper Midwest
• Survival/Prepper reading - How to Survive the End of the World as We Know It: Tactics, Techniques, and Technologies for Uncertain Times
• Survival/Prepper reading - The Prepper's Pocket Guide: 101 Easy Things You Can Do to Ready Your Home for a Disaster

Tomorrow it is off out of town to get new tires and the completion of my son's tatoo. I've already got a list for Walmart. I'll try to be conservative, although I won't lie, I already have a strong feeling that I'm going to be a dumbass crackhead.

Doing Better and Current Addictions

I am feeling better. My mind was spazzing/reeling with thoughts of betrayal and I couldn't stop thinking/obsessing over the lies and hiding and isolation that left me isolated in these walls depressed all winter. I was very hurt by the whole thing but I except it now that my wife and I discussed it. I know I have been quite cryptic about this issue and that is because I hate to write down negative things about my wife. She is a very good and ethical person. And no she didn't cheat on me. I will try to explain the issue, but now I much deal with my obsessions before I take my 2am sleeping meds!

Addictions:

Guitarsmith - a lot of waking hrs.

Youtube - vids on guitar chords and beginner songs and techniques.

Survival - Youtube vids and natural supplies from woods.

Youtube - Tenacious D, Beelzeboss, I laugh at this like ten times a day.

Putting items in my Amazon shopping cart and trying not to hit the (proceed to checkout) button.

Also last Amazon post I forgot about a $40 post-collapse medical how-to journal.

And lastly I actually made an appointment to see my P-doc today.

Simulacra and Simulation

Games are fun and fair are rules of relativity, which is general and special. Mind games are uneven dueling courts, where phallus is usually not king. Flaccid I feign, as the cold shoulder pains me. I'm fuckin' crazy so it's my fault by default. This isn't prose. I'm pissed. Somehow downtrodden, depressed, and befuddled, wrapped-up in an, I don't get it and I don't know if I supposed to give a fuck even if I was intelligent enough to get it!

Not happy, not well; but all's well that ends well, I hear. I will be back...soon. Happy or sad or mad, yet sometimes all at once. Now that will make anyone crazy. Ultra Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder. Now that's not only unfair, it's straight-up bullshit. I think I need to make an appointment and let my Dr know that I really am unsure about what pills and at what dose of the unsure pills to take, because lord knows the labels aren't my guide currently. I'm Sick of being Sick. Oh yea, mind games suck and manipulation, although innate in every process, is a pretty selfish system that subsists upon its very self, like a serpent eating its own tail.

I"m Shit With Money and I Hope I Get Manic Over Rocksmith

Amazon just shipped my latest want/need list item. My wife will likely snap when all my other shopping cart items start showing up in the mail. I thought guys weren't supposed to be shoppers? Honestly how can impulsive/excessive shopping be a real symptom of bipolar, people would ask. I can tell you that it always has been I real problem in my life. My wife has to step in and ask me to calm down or stop spending quite often. I hate to say it, but my wife was appointed my payee by my Psychiatrist. I can't even legally cash my own fucking checks. I am so ashamed. I truly am shit. And just to prove that fact will be 2 weeks of packages showing up on the doorstep to which my wife will likely have to give me "the talk".

Off the top of my head, I ordered:

• Rocksmith (I want to learn guitar + videogame media = mania sandwich with positive benefit)

• 3 different colors of paracord. (survival item, bracelets and whatnot)

• 4 piece firesteel set. (surv item, impulse buy pictured on paracord page)

• 5 piece mini LED keyrings. (surv item, impulse buy pictured on firesteel page)

• Dororo 2 (I think, I hope) dvd (current Samurai/Japanese film obsession)

• Dororo dvd (How can you buy part 2 but not own the original? Thus throw it in the shopping cart!) Now on my shortlist of absolute favorite films. It is English subtitled and although I normally hate reading while watching a movie, this film was worth it. This movie is a masterpiece, compressing multiple genres and classic storylines, and weaving them into an original deeply beautiful fantasy. If you haven't watched it I think most people would love the story even if they aren't into Japanese culture per se. It's on Netflix and I know Amazon has it. lol.

I can't think right now, but I think I ordered 1 or 2 other things.

I did delete the Elton John and Queen double disc Greatest Hits Albums from my order. That was $40 I could see not a adding to my Ipod at the moment or explaining.

I hate losing my right to control my own finances, but I understand. I'll be 37 years old next week and I have to be treated like a baby. I do feel emasculated, less than a man, less than a husband, less than human. But, I am sick and would likely be a penniless hoader, chin-deep in junk, without my loving wife's support.

She often can't take me to the store and walmart is safely an hour away from my magnetic manic fingers. You ever notice when you're shopping, those random items that are just stuffed on the wrong shelf in the totally wrong department. That is my wife sneaking my stuff surreptitiously out of the cart while I'm off on another impromptu cool stuff search. I feel high when I'm in Walmart. I mean who doesn't love movies. And these drug dealers put a thousand dvds priced for $5 in gargantuan tubs all around the store so everyone can get their fix sorting throw mostly junk B-movies. When people start vying for room at the dvd trough and knocking over my shitty pile of zombie cult classics, I just want to jump right in the middle of the box, and play king of the hill of dvds, and bask in their emotions and expressions. I could do this; I'm crazy. I'll tell the cops that it was a social experiment. But in stead I'll get like a box of lego or a lego fantasy d&d-like board game that should have been around before I lost the important part of my imagination. I get it home and the only thing touching it is dust. By proxy I am touching it due to the dust's make-up, which is kind of a gross natural process.

To be honest, I say that a lot, when it comes to mail order, I don't know what I love more, receiving the package or opening the box to get my stuff. Weird really. To add to the mystique, when you buy multiple items, you not only get the rush of mail and your stuff, but also what exact thing that you ordered is in the package that day.

I really should start titling my posts at the end of typing in stead of before my rambling neurons tale their tales.

I doubt she will bitch at me too much because, Hey, It's My Birthday!! Damn, I'm a manipulative bastard. Judge me harshly, I deserve no better.

I Understand Why Many Cultures Believed the Sun was a God

Since Christmas I went outside only 10 to 15 times. It was a bad winter for me although it was an incredibly short winter for my area. We don't open our curtains in the winter, which isn't really psychologically healthy I'm guessing. But Friday the kids came home from school and said it was beautiful outside. I opened the back door and the snow was gone. There is still snow banks where plows have made mounds, but everything else is clean. Not really green out yet, but spring is here. I wanted to do so many things. I have a long spring to-do-list and research/survival projects. I walked around the backyard for a minute, but knew I had to finish film editing or I would start focusing on Spring/outside.

Today, Saturday, my wife, daughter and I drove out to our favorite cross-country trails and took a walk with the dogs. For our Husky Meeka, it was her first time ever in the woods. It was 67 degrees and the warmth and light were so powerful, I just felt imbued with energy and life. Like the weary doldrums and icy grip of winter has lost its depressive weighty cloak that seems to darken my life each year. I think I should buy a UV light and sit under it like a lizard next year. (I say that every year) I understand Sun worship. I'm going outside tomorrow for sure! When everything is green I will really shake this cabinfever.

A few clips of my goofy dogs from today's first walk of the spring. It's not green yet, but you can see the ground.

Updares <-- Updates = Fat Fingers and Randomness

Let's play Thought Fact Bullshit.

Thought: Everyone needs an Alzheimer's list IMO. Write down absolute favorite things, i.e. books, movies, music, tv series, etc.

Fact: I haven't played Skyrim this week, and I honestly feel like I am neglecting a chore.

Bullshit: I tell my Psychiatrist everything, thus end up with the correct meds and make my existence the best possible.

Thought: My wife and I think possibly I repress memories as a defence mechanism to protect me from myself.

Fact: I have heard voices a few times in my life and I was equally ashamed and scared.

Bullshit: I hate the parents that abused me as a child. 

Fact: The above was all spontaneous and had nothing to do with the updates or randomness.

I am just taking a quick break to post a few thoughts. I am editing my son's football footage, because his coach is a D-bag. I am stressed out. I actually had the heart pangs of acute anxiety attacks multiple times over past few days reading and writing e-mails. E-mails!! I am sadly, yet obviously, the intermediary in Beelzebub's love triangle between me, D-bag football coach, and paid college recruiter. The recruiter gets with me to deal the coach because he doesn't comply with video highlight requirements. I've been dealing with his broken promises for over a year now. But it is a delicate situation where I have to be frank and forthright, but not piss him off enough be vindictive towards my son. At the moment he was supposed to turn in a game film to the recruiter but he didn't follow any of the guidelines so the recruiter asked me to get with the coach and get clip numbers. Instead I downloaded editing software and the footage. I have been learning the software on the go and having to also chop every play clip manually down to the second. Then I need to check on upload formats and how to do that. I'll figure it all out.

Ok. Quick randomness because I promised. I have always needed my escapes more than most I think. Fantasy and Sci-fi has always been there to hide from demons and demons. James Cameron films, and no not Titanic, have brought me much escape. But Avatar truly was an immersive masterpiece that has jumped up to one of my altime favorites. Two more Avatar films are to start hitting theartres in '14. I am really looking forward that as much as The Hobbit this Dec. But Cameron is actually putting his movies in jeopardy along with his own life with a "passion" or "goal". Just last week he set a record for deepest manned sub dive at 38,000 ft. All types of equipment broke on that dive due to extreme pressure. later this year he is attempting to dive the Marianas Trench again deeper. I honestly wish him the best, but I do have a little apprehension.

The Media's Negative Obsessive War With Bi-Polar Disorder Part 2: Charlie Sheen Example

Last year Charlie Sheen was being diagnosed with bipolar disorder on every TV network, often by anchor-persons, sports analysts, meteorologists, and any other goofball that likely never opened a intro to psych book. Even Dr Drew labelled him, without ever personally meeting him. He also said that Charlie was in a hypo-manic state and pleaded that someone intervene before he did something really bad. Maybe he is BP, but that can't be determined by an act or a 3 minute call on your cells. Blackberries are smart-phones, but damn, are they that smart?

Bipolar isn't an action.

Bipolar isn't a person.

Bipolar is a specific disorder with a multitude of characteristics and symptoms that can't off-handedly be stamped on people's foreheads on the evening news and by celebrity gossip smut peddlers. If it was that simple then I should be in essence and action like every other BP. I therefore should be a time-tested-successful-millionaire-actor with multiple pornstar groupies. If that is what bipolar means, sign me the hell up! A little over the top there maybe. But to be honest Charlie Sheen has been in the limelight his entire life due to his father and then more on his own starting in the 80's. Therefore there is a large database documenting his personal and emotional background and he has really filled the file. But if it isn't official, no one ethically should blatantly state it as fact.

In summation of this rant, I'd like to reiterate that the media doesn't have to fact-check anymore. They have paid subject experts that spew WOW-factor bullshit for ratings. The bought experts speak eloquently, in formal tones, in a way ambiguous enough to not get sewed when saying slanderous, erroneous, unfounded, unresearched, or down-right lies, because they were only implied and not stated as fact.

And if bipolar was merely some uncontrollable, hedonistic, violent, hate machine, I wouldn't be writing this, I'd be on my way to TMZ Studios to kick in the door to say "Here's Johnny!" or better yet, "I'm a lawyer!"

To be continued...

Duality of Facebook Photo of the Day

Although it has duel meanings, (maybe more with the bottle) i'm sure a deep depressive episode didn't get much thought. But, who am I to shit on a free e-card, on a free social network site, that changed my personal page to a timeline? Nobody, that's who. Lol. But, I honestly found it funny and even [LIKED] it. I love satire. If I couldn't laugh at negativity, I'd sleep nonstop like the goofball in the picture. I merely thought it odd that only certain people would find correlation.

Overdose Poem

Candid glimpse at a dark day in my life. In no way am I trying to glorify attempting to take my life, as my muse or to romanticise the selfish act or for inspiring me the fodder for poetry. What I am showing you is, what I wrote that day, in a gelatinous state of delirium as my neurons frantically fired to keep my respiratory system from shutting down. Overdose and suicide are bad words in most circles, but it happens, and I figured it shouldn't be too taboo of a topic on a bipolar blog. I will at some point fill in a missing piece or two about the 4 years absent from my sidebar, but not tonight. I could barely see and my writing was sloppier than my usual scrawl. It was in 2 inks. This is what I wrote, punctuation and all. I only vaguely recall that day and I still don't know exactly what we meant to convey, yet I am content with all I can discern.

Have you seen the light?

It is the way for many

The theologians ask have you seen the light*

Meet a wayfarer in the darkest cave system. Have you seen the light, heard out.

Dead, to call one back, have you seen the light

Our " The/Our?" "cusstain?" once and without it we are lost

Have you seen the light, the real light.

Theologians have you seen the light?

The spelunker wandering asks where the light may be.

Dead, the body finds dirt in his face and the light has forsaken him.

Mental HEALTH Discrimination or Advanced Delusionary Schizophrenia With Involuntary Narcissistic Rage

They like to say mental health to imply vitality and positivity, but no, let's be clear, it's mental "illness". Mental "health" is just psychology's modern, politically correct, euphemism meant to manipulate society into using a positive term/label to unknowingly bring about humanization and faux acceptance, i.e. special, gifted children, handicapable, and my personal happier label, bipolar. That rephrasing really helped break the cycle of the negative stygma surrounding the term manic-depression. They just made the term shorter so the media can really get the ever-popular, socal-pariah/might-snap-at-any-second/murder-suicidEE inflections just right when saying "BipolAR"!!

Honestly, if mental health was so healthy or viewed positively, a larger percentage of the mentally ill wouln't have to hide their health from family and friends and fake Facebook friends that only need you to get the cool tractor in Farmville.

What's your damn point you say? Relax, we are only 300 words in! It is currently acceptable morally, ethically, and finacially, to differentiate between mental and pysical healh to treat, compensate, cover, etc.

Blue Cross Blue Shield, likely the top "health" insurance provider, pays different percentage amounts under the same policy for the same premium. I had coverage at 80% paid Heath coverage, yet under same policy I was only cover 50% for Psychiatric appointmts, only $20 per therapy session, and a low per year cap. And that was 2 years ago, but when I was diagnosed in '05 the divisions were even larger in contrast.

Standard Insurance is/soon to be, was, my short-term/long-term disability supplier. Under their policy a physical disability exists as long as you are physically disabled, but mental illness has a timelimit no matter if your Dr and Government consider you disabled. Typical. Insurance companies are organized crime syndicates. A rep called me and left a voicemail and he said, (I'm paraphrasing but in no way changing intent) we understand bipolar disorder but we are wondering if you have any physical issue limiting your ability to find employment, and we would need these Drs' info if that be the case. I then received a letter stating that they are closing my case in June because their policy doesn't cover mental and medical disability for the same time period.

I don't really know what to do. It all just makes me think of the disorder that Jim Carrey's character Hank had in Me, Myself, and Irene: Advanced Delusionary Schizophrenia With Involuntary Narcissistic Rage. Is that fuckin' physical enough fuckface? Or do we need to get more physical than that punk? Sorry, that was the Hank persona. And still good ol' rational Ash. Physical? Really! How about my brain, which is made up of matter, (Real Actual, Factual, PHYSICAL matter - opposite of the empty amoral skulls of the cold, dead ethics of your policy lawyers. ) doesn't work like a normal healthy human's. How about this for a physical impairment limiting my ability to procure gainful employment. Neurons communicate by sending and receiving electrical and chemical signals/stimuli via neurotransmitters communicating at a synapse point between those two neurons. That was a healthy example of how neurons control who and what we are to a certain extent as their healthy communication is responsible for thoughts, feelings, emotions, the Centrol Nevious System. Neurons are actually the lagest structures in the human body. They are made up of pysical material called neural cells and make up the CNS which control everything, including emotions, depression, rage, mania, sleep normalcy, obsessions, creativity, impetuousness spontaneity, lust, concentration, apathy, sympathy, empathy, grandiosity, fleeting thoughts, anxiety, conspiracy theories including co workers collusion, delusions, voices in head, addictive tenadencies, OCD like obsessing, emotional immaturity. There a thousands of these clogged neurons misfiring every second in the bipolar brain. These non-communicating neurotransmitters can't pass on this information at correct ratios and/or they build up mass amounts of process chemicals. Both of those aforementioned physical malfunctioning bipolar neurotransmitters manifest physically some or many of the bipolar characteristics as we try to function in a world that considers us scary and disenfranchises us with unfounded stereotypes. Meds can help by releasing or blocking these chemical and informantion, yet nothing is a cure-all and there is always relapse.



Quick analogy of an example of Physically Unhealthy communication between 2 malfuncting/non-reciprocating neurotransmitters: Our hands (neurotransmitters) coming together to meet palms in the middle (synapse) to recipricate normal healthy physical communication (neurotransmission).

My hand: opened, is prepared to give and receive stimuli, which is normal.

Your hand: closed, unprepared to give and receive stimuli, which is "not" normal.

Stimuli: goodfaith coverage. In other words, open your scroogesque, unethical corporate hand and give me my damn money!

I think I will call and get a copy of the policy from Standard. I feel like writing my Congressman and Governor about toleration and blindeye this Country has towards mental illness.

INTERMISSION

I figuered I' d also use my blog to document dates for recall for myself and Dr about issues, stressors, meds, mania, depression, obsessions, feelings, fears, symptoms, etc.

Meds:

* Often I forget to take my morning meds. Sometimes for days. Sometimes I remember but don't feel like taking them. And when I am mentally off I'm not sure if is a problem with meds or me not taking them right.

Procrastination/anxiety/apathy:

* Sometimes I don't bathe for days.

* Often I don't change my clothes for days.

* I average going outside once every week and a half.

* I rarely answer my phone.

* my scraggly beard and hair is more a product of my lack of motivation and less of a statement of my crappy sense of style.

Obsessions:

* Skyrim - Manned some bigtime real hrs since Christmas. Like hundreds!

* Survival - reading, writing, researching, buying, preparing, testing, making videos.

* Bi-polar blogs - reading, writing, researching.

My brain fights to pick one of the three to maniacally digest its ifno until the next sleep.

I keep a pen and pad on me at most times and fill it with everything like new items to obsessions to research, diagrams for equipment or visual help for when I review the info and misc thoughts.

Very manic last week. I put a pen and pad in each hoodie hand pocket. They each had a subject and I paced the house and basement writing in both almost non-stop. I put on my IPod andt old the family to leave me be becaue I wasn't feeling well. I was getting my survival bag ready for a winter test. Next Afternoon I went in the woods with my dog and made a camp with a tarp, a garbage bag, and a small bedroll, in 2' of snow and 20-10*F weather.

Stressors:

*LTD called me and said that they are closing my case because their policy doesn't rate mental and medical disability the same. Under their policy a physical disability exists as long as you are physically disabled, but mental illness has a timelimit no matter if your Dr and government consider you disabied. Typical. Insurance companies are organized criminal syndicates.

Son's Football:

*Getting coach to do his job and lay off the empty promises.

*NCSA - so much to do.

*Football footage and audio viewing has been an obsession off an on.

I feel like a lazy, crazy, dirty, slob that would help my family more if I was gone.

The Media's Negative Obsessive War With Bi-Polar Disorder

I'm sick the media instantly and without records, knowledge, or justification sterotyping every violent or hanus crime or TMZ breakdown to be perpetrated by a bipolar person. Does anyone else notice this bigotry on talkshows, news broadcasts? (networks and locals.) Is anyone else getting frustrated of every crime, school shooting, or out of control celebrity being diagnosed on the spot, by news anchors and "expert contributors" paid for the network. This bi-polar talk is being broadcasted sometimes while the person isn't even in custody and without any prior knowledge of the personal mental or medical or psychatric history.

To start down the path of labeling crimes to mental disorders and illnesses is a dangerous game. I notice often in the media cases of sick multiple murders, where the talk is all about how crazy he is and that he is definitely BP. Then everyone is outraged when he pleads insanity. They want him on death row or life in prision. They don't want him merely confined to an asylum, so they change their tune and think he is faking it. It is on True TV daily. So that is why labels are dangerous for everyone. Because if we quantify particular crimes with particular mental health types then if a person is diagnosed with that mental illness,  the crime has no real consequences and therefore no justice for anyone.

Let's just throw out the labels and actually do some investigative reporting. Fact checking used to be a part of reporting, now the news says what it wants by sneaking in qualifiers like alledgedly, presumed, supposed, according to my sources, etc. With that slimy lawyer loophole you can slander anyone to a certain extent.

Drop the labels because some people are pieces of shit. They are dead inside. Psychopaths that are hedonistic vultures that prey on the weak. Some are evil, and if it feels good, that is all that concerns them. It makes them happy. They don't care about the victim or their families. And some criminals if brought up differently, would be police officers, guarding your stuff, not stealling it.

To be continued...

Tripwires and Squibs

Well, I feel rather pathitic as I wait for sleeping pills to wind my loudly spinning thouhts down to numb sleep of unremebered dreams. I hate that I have a vauge sense of vibrant dreamscapes with corny misconstrued plots, only to awake to a mere taste or smell, a powerful feeling with fastly fleeting storyline or not-so-strange face that my waking brain can't cypher. Bed dreams of a numb mind. New multi-speared enthrallments flood my brain I and rule me until the next dose. But one must sleep and even if near OD happens to be what takes you to the dark dreamless gray, so be it. I try hard to pull it all together to no avail; no wanted recall for me. Because it is time to slave and toil to the music of today's obsessive task/research/thing. Can't focus on the past because I need to figure out today's experiments before I have sleep next time. What day is it anyway? "It's manic monday. It'sssss always manic monday! How many time do we need to go over this?"


I woke up late, not that I am expected anywhere. I watched tv and surffed  till 6pm. I get a bite to eat and back to bed for more of the same. I hear tripwire in my periphery from some electronic input. CLICK: today's mission plan has arrived; read it before it selfdestructs! "Tripwire" All tabs clear across the top of my virus-filled search brower. New tabs pop-up, one by one as I methodically scan the ether for links for directions, diagrams, schematics, or the fork that leads me down the next stop towards security. Many tabs popped up like crenalations thwarting my progress. Bing Image, Google search, instructables, and you tube propagandized for my time. Once I got the gist of Tripwires for my applications, one of the sidebar, hey if you enjoyed reading that subject here is something you might find interesting. I don't need an entity in my life psychoanalyzing me,...ohh.

What's a tripwire without an alarm. Needless to say it is 3:30am and I'm winding down from hrs of my search of near every box and drawer in the house locating the necessary components to make squibs. Well off to bed so I can work on my working squib design. Tomorrow, for my drugs have kicked in.

My Graymatters or My Gray Matters or My gray Matters or my Gr...ohhh, Shiny Red Ball!

I've been missing since 2008, but a recent virus (you ever think Norton is the jerkoff that creates the viruses just so we have to pay them to be the anti?) brought me here while remembering my favs and I opened this dormant blog. Damn, first sentence and already rambled. lol. So anyway, I decided to start posting my thoughts, feelings, fears, and other tuff-guy-stuff like that.

It will take me a little while (if my brain lets myself not quit again) to get used to blogging once again. Hell, I'll have to relearn how to write! Man, last time I posted here I don't even think the texting or Facebook realms had really taken off yet. I'll have to learn blog etiquette anew. I am actually excited to see if anyone on my blogroll is still active. I hope at least a couple so I can say hey and see how they are doing.

I obviously had many happenings, events, and madnesses...and good times since my last post that ended in a terminal last line: bye. Yet I'm not totally neurotic people! ( Although labeling the negative personality trait "neuroticism" was pretty crappy. Looks like they combined neuron + rot = neurotic - "hell, for those inherently cursed people with this characterist, let's throw in an 'ick' at the end of the word for good measure. Because bad things come in 3's you know." Haha. Jokin'. Yea, I know the term was all scientific and whatnot, but I like to think that maybe it was a neurotic Freudian Slip!) Sorry, just a random thought while typing.

Warning: sometimes my asides have asides! If you prefer normal/linear reading, just skip the parentheses and all should hopefully read semi-coherent. I hope I get a few readers (followers sounds so shitty and demeaning - thanks Twitter) again as friends of a kind. The interaction with people with malfunctioning neurotransmitters simular to my cobbled wiring used to help me cope in times of depressive dread and I like to think that possibly I was able to help somebody in their time of need. And if I seem like an arrogant, pompous, pretentious asshole, I am likely typing manic at that particular(NOW)moment.

I am done for the moment, but I have a lot to share at some point, although there is much that I can never truly share for the shame and inner-hate that I endure by my own hands and mind. I changed my blog's title from, My Personal Bipolar Journal, to the simplistic new: Neurons Suck. Because...come-on, they suck. New start; new title. Happy thoughts: my graymatter matters. Or simply: My Gray Matters! Oops, that was goofy thought, not happy thought. Yeah. I get those mixed up. Yea, well... First/recent discombobulated post/ramble/rant over.

Later, Ash ou...ohhh almost forgot. If you look at my profile, don't let the the odd, CDC, creeper zombie chick scare you off. It was from a social experiment blog that I gave up on before it really started. It had no followers (lol) so I would have to say it was closer to antisocial.

Later, Ash out!!