Sunday, October 26, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Atom Smasher
I have something for you to check out that I think you would be interested in. First look up CERN. It is the particle accelerator “Atom Smasher” that just started its test runs. It is considered possibly the greatest scientific experiment of all time. They are looking for many things with subatomic particles, foremost among these would be the Higgs Boson “the god particle” - the theoretical substance that gives matter mass and gravity. In theory some byproducts of the testing could create wormholes, mini black holes, strangelets, new universes, new space travel fuels and processes, etc - and possibly show us up to 7 more dimensions that we currently hypothesize yet have no understanding. Oh yea, there is also a slight possibility that it could vaporize everything on the Earth. Figure I might add in that small mundane point. Good nerd stuff. This thing whorls electrons at opposing directions at nearly the speed of light. The loop that the electrons are traveling is 17 miles long and the electrons whip around that circuit 11,000 times per sec. That is just sick.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
KISMET
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools, and in time, he graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London. He then went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.
His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Live like it's Heaven on Earth. Be true to yourself. You will be remembered for what you were and the actions you did.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools, and in time, he graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London. He then went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.
His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Live like it's Heaven on Earth. Be true to yourself. You will be remembered for what you were and the actions you did.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Hi All
I’ve been well. Summer has been great. Watching the Ash-children play soccer has been a blast. We haven’t done much, but it has still been a good summer. We would like to go Michigan’s Renaissance festival later this month if the money is available. Damn, I’m such a nerd.
Ash-wife and I have started watching 2 series on DVD. Both Sci-fi. Stargate SG1 and Battlestar Galactica. It is a great escape for us. BSG is an extremely well written show. It actually won best-written show on TV. Even if you aren’t a sci-fi buff you still would likely love this show.
Later all.
Ash-wife and I have started watching 2 series on DVD. Both Sci-fi. Stargate SG1 and Battlestar Galactica. It is a great escape for us. BSG is an extremely well written show. It actually won best-written show on TV. Even if you aren’t a sci-fi buff you still would likely love this show.
Later all.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Biomancer - excerpt
Prime smacked the slave in the face. “Girl, look at me. How many times do I have to tell you that I like it better when you look in my eyes.” He gave her thin arms, which he held firmly to the mattress, a tight squeeze, warning her to be quiet. Her crying became whimpering. Tears ran down the side of her face from the corners of her eyes, filling her ears. Everything sounded hollow in her head, his voice, his heartbeat, the crackle of straw from the mattress as he pushed against her.
She found it was over quicker if she resisted a little, making him angry. His weight on her chest was oppressive. She had to breathe in gasps, which seemed to arouse him further. In his sick mind he likely thought that he was stimulating her. She thought of him and the guards that almost nightly chose her, dying a thousand deaths, a thousand torturous ways. Contemplating their deaths made it almost tolerable, almost. For some reason she was chosen more often than the other girls were. Two nights without being visited was a rarity. She just wanted it to end. If not for her brother being left alone in this horrendous place, she would have by now ended her own life to stop the pain that she had to endure. More than anything she just wanted it to end.
“What!” he pushed his chest in the air, rising above the slave, still thrusting. “What is that,” he said to himself, looking concernedly out the open window.
A small light could be seen in the yard. Someone was walking toward the log yard. Something was amiss, and he knew it. Guards didn’t use that path to travel between posts.
Prime stopped unfulfilled, got off the straw-filled mattress, and took a long swig of something from a black bottle. He tossed the empty container aside and picked a wrinkled robe from the floor, wadded it into a loose ball, and threw it at the girl-slave with malice. “Get back to your room, slave,” Prime demanded with a drunken slur.
Shakily she put on the robe from the corner of the mattress farthest from his lecherous reach, feeling the bruises forming on her stiff arms. Disconcerted she hurried from the room without a care for what had consumed his thoughts, yet grateful that something had.
Prime sluggishly got dressed. Pulling on his pants, he unbuckled his five-thong whip and set it on the room’s lone, wobbly-legged table. Off he went to the supply room, deciding to get something a little more destructive.
She found it was over quicker if she resisted a little, making him angry. His weight on her chest was oppressive. She had to breathe in gasps, which seemed to arouse him further. In his sick mind he likely thought that he was stimulating her. She thought of him and the guards that almost nightly chose her, dying a thousand deaths, a thousand torturous ways. Contemplating their deaths made it almost tolerable, almost. For some reason she was chosen more often than the other girls were. Two nights without being visited was a rarity. She just wanted it to end. If not for her brother being left alone in this horrendous place, she would have by now ended her own life to stop the pain that she had to endure. More than anything she just wanted it to end.
“What!” he pushed his chest in the air, rising above the slave, still thrusting. “What is that,” he said to himself, looking concernedly out the open window.
A small light could be seen in the yard. Someone was walking toward the log yard. Something was amiss, and he knew it. Guards didn’t use that path to travel between posts.
Prime stopped unfulfilled, got off the straw-filled mattress, and took a long swig of something from a black bottle. He tossed the empty container aside and picked a wrinkled robe from the floor, wadded it into a loose ball, and threw it at the girl-slave with malice. “Get back to your room, slave,” Prime demanded with a drunken slur.
Shakily she put on the robe from the corner of the mattress farthest from his lecherous reach, feeling the bruises forming on her stiff arms. Disconcerted she hurried from the room without a care for what had consumed his thoughts, yet grateful that something had.
Prime sluggishly got dressed. Pulling on his pants, he unbuckled his five-thong whip and set it on the room’s lone, wobbly-legged table. Off he went to the supply room, deciding to get something a little more destructive.
Bye
The time rolling,
The bell toiling,
Life embittered.
I am nothing.
Pain deep and blinding,
Taunting laughter reminding,
Strife rendered.
I am nothing.
Feeling’s filter not working.
Brain off-kilter.
Time slowing,
Thoughts lolling,
Should I do it?
I am nothing.
Decision hardened cold,
Darkness sold,
Off I go.
Damn-it I can’t even do this right.
One more try.
Bye.
The bell toiling,
Life embittered.
I am nothing.
Pain deep and blinding,
Taunting laughter reminding,
Strife rendered.
I am nothing.
Feeling’s filter not working.
Brain off-kilter.
Time slowing,
Thoughts lolling,
Should I do it?
I am nothing.
Decision hardened cold,
Darkness sold,
Off I go.
Damn-it I can’t even do this right.
One more try.
Bye.
My Tree of Woe
Hot - fuse burning fast,
Cold – days, my last,
The hell I feel, no one knows.
Off I go, to my tree of woe.
Hot – my soul chained
Cold – my essence drained
The hell I feel, no one knows.
Off I go, to my tree of woe.
Hot – my thoughts insane,
Cold – my words inane,
The hell I feel, no one knows.
Off I go, to my tree of woe.
Hot – the blood flows,
Cold – the blood goes,
The hell I feel, no one knows.
Off I go, to my tree of woe.
Hot – my last breath,
Cold – finally death,
The pain I do not show,
Off I go, to my tree of woe.
The hell I feel, no one knows.
Off I go, to my tree of woe.
Cold – days, my last,
The hell I feel, no one knows.
Off I go, to my tree of woe.
Hot – my soul chained
Cold – my essence drained
The hell I feel, no one knows.
Off I go, to my tree of woe.
Hot – my thoughts insane,
Cold – my words inane,
The hell I feel, no one knows.
Off I go, to my tree of woe.
Hot – the blood flows,
Cold – the blood goes,
The hell I feel, no one knows.
Off I go, to my tree of woe.
Hot – my last breath,
Cold – finally death,
The pain I do not show,
Off I go, to my tree of woe.
The hell I feel, no one knows.
Off I go, to my tree of woe.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Good News
Ash-wife went in for her biopsy. We were at the hospital for 6 ½ hrs. The Dr. came in and said that it was totally gone. That is very odd, yet the best outcome possible. I’m guessing that is was actually a cyst and it broke, but what do I know? Our stress level has gone do considerably. It does piss me off though that her regular Dr. told us that it looked like cancer.
I’m doing well. I lost my P-doc because he went to a new practice. He is going to see if my family Dr. will just prescribe my psych meds. Hopefully this works out. If I have some bad issues or episodes I will get another one or see a therapist.
Later, Ash out…
I’m doing well. I lost my P-doc because he went to a new practice. He is going to see if my family Dr. will just prescribe my psych meds. Hopefully this works out. If I have some bad issues or episodes I will get another one or see a therapist.
Later, Ash out…
Monday, June 23, 2008
Quick Update
I have been doing rather well, although I am still dealing with the irritability issues.
We are rather busy at the moment. Both kids have soccer, which takes up 3 to 4 days a week.
It isn’t looking good with Ash-wife’s test results. We have an appointment on the 2nd to go over the results. But our family Dr told my wife the other day at her appointment that by the blood work it looks like cancer. He told her that she has had a horrible young life with medical problems and that she should really start praying. That is currently scaring the shit out of us.
I have been playing poker a lot lately due to being on a 14-day win streak. I’m up $800 in those 2 weeks. I always when in the long-term, but this is one hell of a rush that I’m on. I haven’t spent any of my own $ in years, since I started back in 2006. I have made over $7000 that has helped supplement our income since Ash-wife got injured. That is a great hobby if you ask me. Getting paid for something that I love. I’m averaging $20/hr.
Here is quick pic of one of my finished projects. It was made entirely out of Plaster of Paris and then painted. It relaxes me while I watch TV with the Fam. It is 28 cm. Scale. No taller that 4’’.
Weight update: I now have been living at 173 to 175lbs for 3 months or so. I am happy about this.
My camera sucks, I know.
Later Ash out…
We are rather busy at the moment. Both kids have soccer, which takes up 3 to 4 days a week.
It isn’t looking good with Ash-wife’s test results. We have an appointment on the 2nd to go over the results. But our family Dr told my wife the other day at her appointment that by the blood work it looks like cancer. He told her that she has had a horrible young life with medical problems and that she should really start praying. That is currently scaring the shit out of us.
I have been playing poker a lot lately due to being on a 14-day win streak. I’m up $800 in those 2 weeks. I always when in the long-term, but this is one hell of a rush that I’m on. I haven’t spent any of my own $ in years, since I started back in 2006. I have made over $7000 that has helped supplement our income since Ash-wife got injured. That is a great hobby if you ask me. Getting paid for something that I love. I’m averaging $20/hr.
Here is quick pic of one of my finished projects. It was made entirely out of Plaster of Paris and then painted. It relaxes me while I watch TV with the Fam. It is 28 cm. Scale. No taller that 4’’.
Weight update: I now have been living at 173 to 175lbs for 3 months or so. I am happy about this.
My camera sucks, I know.
Later Ash out…
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Not So Good News
I have been doing well for the most part. I have been a bit overly irritable lately. My wife said that I have been snappy with her the past few weeks. I told her that I would stop it and I have done well recently.
I got my evaluation the other day and the “unprofessional communication” comment has reared its ugly head again. All salary personnel now have a performance plan and get evaluated quarterly now. WhooHoo, kick ass. One solace is that now us supervisors don’t have to attend the morning meetings any longer. This will help me greatly because I will seldom interact with management, thus giving me less chance of an outburst. I still need to work on this for myself though. I think my biggest problem is ruminating on things that aggravate me, so when the discussion/confrontation arises I am already worked up.
One last thing is that my P-doc is leaving, so I will have to find another psych. That sucks. It will be my third one. I hate having to rehash my flaws over and over to new people, but I do need my meds.
On the poker addiction front. I have really been doing OK here. I played the bare minimum during the last 3 months. YET, that will likely change now. I bought a laptop. I can now sit in bed and play. I still don’t plan to play more during the day or so much that I neglect everyone. I have been very good with sticking to a few hrs a day, around half the month.
Today’s Pet Peeve: People that don’t have a conception of one’s private space. Everyone has an invisible “territorial Bubble” surrounding them. That is my space. If you want to talk to me, go ahead and stay a good 2 feet away and state your business. I don’t need, want, or except you getting 6 inches from my face and wanting to converse back and forth. (Especially if you spit on your “S’s” or if your funky breath wafts out on your “H’s”). If you can’t hear, ask me to speak up. If you can’t talk loud enough for me to hear, don’t worry, I will occasionally nod and/or kick-out an acquiescence so you think I give a shit about what I’m not listening to anyways. Curt summation: Get out of my damn face.
Ash-wife’s medical update. We had a hearing with comp last month. TheY got an extension to get their ducks in a row. 2 ½ years and they need extra time to get everything together. That is sad. Our next hearing is June 5th. She has so much documentation that I can’t see her losing the case. We will see.
She just went in for an EEG the other day and they found seizure activity. She never had those before her accident. We don’t see the neurologist until the very day of the hearing so hopefully she can obtain the EEG report itself for evidence. It is amazing what a 20lb. box to the head can do to one’s body. Luckily she has had the same Dr. for a long time, who can verify how active she was and without these medical issues before the accident.
As if my wife hasn’t had a bad enough time medically, we have a new issue that is causing a lot of stress in our lives at the moment. My wife has had a cyst on one of her ovaries for years. Over the last few years it has gotten bigger. (The size of a golf ball.) Finally her Dr. decided that she should get a Pap Smear to check it out. He found that it had grown to the size of a baseball. Also it was attached to the outside of her uterus. This was making her body believe that she was pregnant to a point. She has lactated for many years and we always thought it was kind’a weird. Not full baby rearing boobs, but occasionally they would ache and she could pinch her nipples and get a little milk out. Anyways, they just did an ultrasound the other day and found to our dismay, that in fact it was a tumor. They will do tests within the next few weeks and we will know if it is benign or not. She also has a small mass on her liver that has been there for years. We are very afraid. She has not told her mother yet due to her mother’s heart problems. No reason to get her worked up before we know one way or the other. When the doctor thought it was just a cyst attached to her uterus, he was going to do a partial hysterectomy and leave the other ovary so she didn’t do the menopausal hormone thing at her age. Now he wants to go in and biopsy a piece. I have heard too many horror stories of cancer spreading when they mess with a cancerous tumor or organ. They were going to remove everything anyways, so we are going to discuss them just removing the whole thing in one shot and biopsy it once it is out of her, as not to take the risk. Wish us the best and pray for her.
I got my evaluation the other day and the “unprofessional communication” comment has reared its ugly head again. All salary personnel now have a performance plan and get evaluated quarterly now. WhooHoo, kick ass. One solace is that now us supervisors don’t have to attend the morning meetings any longer. This will help me greatly because I will seldom interact with management, thus giving me less chance of an outburst. I still need to work on this for myself though. I think my biggest problem is ruminating on things that aggravate me, so when the discussion/confrontation arises I am already worked up.
One last thing is that my P-doc is leaving, so I will have to find another psych. That sucks. It will be my third one. I hate having to rehash my flaws over and over to new people, but I do need my meds.
On the poker addiction front. I have really been doing OK here. I played the bare minimum during the last 3 months. YET, that will likely change now. I bought a laptop. I can now sit in bed and play. I still don’t plan to play more during the day or so much that I neglect everyone. I have been very good with sticking to a few hrs a day, around half the month.
Today’s Pet Peeve: People that don’t have a conception of one’s private space. Everyone has an invisible “territorial Bubble” surrounding them. That is my space. If you want to talk to me, go ahead and stay a good 2 feet away and state your business. I don’t need, want, or except you getting 6 inches from my face and wanting to converse back and forth. (Especially if you spit on your “S’s” or if your funky breath wafts out on your “H’s”). If you can’t hear, ask me to speak up. If you can’t talk loud enough for me to hear, don’t worry, I will occasionally nod and/or kick-out an acquiescence so you think I give a shit about what I’m not listening to anyways. Curt summation: Get out of my damn face.
Ash-wife’s medical update. We had a hearing with comp last month. TheY got an extension to get their ducks in a row. 2 ½ years and they need extra time to get everything together. That is sad. Our next hearing is June 5th. She has so much documentation that I can’t see her losing the case. We will see.
She just went in for an EEG the other day and they found seizure activity. She never had those before her accident. We don’t see the neurologist until the very day of the hearing so hopefully she can obtain the EEG report itself for evidence. It is amazing what a 20lb. box to the head can do to one’s body. Luckily she has had the same Dr. for a long time, who can verify how active she was and without these medical issues before the accident.
As if my wife hasn’t had a bad enough time medically, we have a new issue that is causing a lot of stress in our lives at the moment. My wife has had a cyst on one of her ovaries for years. Over the last few years it has gotten bigger. (The size of a golf ball.) Finally her Dr. decided that she should get a Pap Smear to check it out. He found that it had grown to the size of a baseball. Also it was attached to the outside of her uterus. This was making her body believe that she was pregnant to a point. She has lactated for many years and we always thought it was kind’a weird. Not full baby rearing boobs, but occasionally they would ache and she could pinch her nipples and get a little milk out. Anyways, they just did an ultrasound the other day and found to our dismay, that in fact it was a tumor. They will do tests within the next few weeks and we will know if it is benign or not. She also has a small mass on her liver that has been there for years. We are very afraid. She has not told her mother yet due to her mother’s heart problems. No reason to get her worked up before we know one way or the other. When the doctor thought it was just a cyst attached to her uterus, he was going to do a partial hysterectomy and leave the other ovary so she didn’t do the menopausal hormone thing at her age. Now he wants to go in and biopsy a piece. I have heard too many horror stories of cancer spreading when they mess with a cancerous tumor or organ. They were going to remove everything anyways, so we are going to discuss them just removing the whole thing in one shot and biopsy it once it is out of her, as not to take the risk. Wish us the best and pray for her.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
...And Kids That Was The First Time I @#*%ed $*%# For Crack
I’m sorry all; I just haven’t been with it lately. I’m not going to make a bunch of promises about my procrastinating ways. I’ll just say that I will try harder to post more often.
On Ash-wife’s medical front, it isn’t going too well. It is a very slow process. I see her spiraling daily into depression and defeatism. The neuro-surgeon said that she has some minor structural damage, but nothing that can be helped surgically. They all say that there isn’t any or much compression of the nerves or spiral cord - not enough to necessitate surgery that is. They want her to learn to deal with the pain or continue on pain meds the rest of her natural life apparently. Our lawyer had a hearing with Comp, but all that occurred was an extension to a later date in June so Comp can get more medical reports together. We have an appointment with a Comp Dr coming up in a few weeks. I’m guessing that is going to be a farce and a half. My wife is totally stressed about it and can’t shake thinking about it. On the plus side, my wife has lost around 15 lbs in a month or so, to which makes her happy in this otherwise drear and tumultuous phase in her life. She looks better and is getting compliments and non-stop queries on how she is accomplishing it. Since she can’t exercise due to her injury she has done this all by her on diet program. She eats a small portion every 2 hrs throughout the day. She eats what she wants too, not just healthy foods. I am actually quite amazed at how well this is working for her. She feels good about herself in this respect and that makes Ash a happy man.
I have never really gone through DT’s before. When I quit smoking for the first time years ago –yea that sucked. But I’m telling you I took a kick to the junk last week. I’ve run out of lamictal multiple times in the past and never really had too many withdraw symptoms. I ran out of Seroquel last week and OMG did it kill me. I had chest pains, heart pains, heart palpitations, migraines, chills, sweats, muscle aches, fatigue, vomiting, inability to eat, and barely any sleep for days. I honestly thought I was dying. I could barely move; I was in so much misery. Sorry about the whine session guys, but I have never felt anything even close to that. I was like that dude from the original Grease on Celebrity Rehab. LOL. What pisses me off about it all is that I now have to go through a mail order prescription service through my work insurance. I called my P-doc and he called it in for me, but for some reason it sat in the research department at the mail order assholes for close to a week. I don’t know what the issue was, but they should be able to resolve whatever issues they were having with my script a bit more promptly. Hell, what if it was someone’s heart pills or maybe a BIPOLAR person that might just snap at any moment and lose their relationships, livelihood, sanity, and/or freedom. My wife figured out what the problem was – DT’s. It got so bad that my wife called my P-doc back and got them to fax me a 10-day supply at my local pharmacy. An hr after taking my pills I was totally better. Baby got his crack back!!!
I hope everyone is doing well. Later, Ash out…
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I'm Feeling Pretty Good Right Now and Other Ramblings
I still feel well; great actually. I really think that the fish oil pills do help keep me stable. I am less irritable also, which is beautiful.
One thing that is darkening my mood a bit is the perpetuity of winter here in the UP. I still have 6 to 8 ft snow banks in my yard. The roads are still packed-snow covered. I haven’t seen anything green in months on end. It is truly getting old. Spring might in reality be here, but not where I live. No wonder all the elderly people that can afford it live in Florida in the winter. They are called snowbirds. I might think about light therapy next winter. Maybe. It’s an option anyway. I’ll feel like a pet lizard under the Vita-light.
On the work front, I finally got a great yearly review. I got Meets and Exceeds on my evaluation. I was told that I got the highest raise in the mill. That makes me feel good. My only negative section ever on my salary evals was my lack of professional communication. And obviously we all understand why that was. First undiagnosed and then a transitional period with my meds trying to find the right mix to quell my anger and impulsivity among other things. No blow-ups last year and only one incident the year prior. We had this crotchety, backstabbing, semiskilled, nurtured and pampered receptionist that only kept her job because guys at work thought she was hot. She complained about everything and everyone. The two other women in the office and her hated each other. She had a pet name for them when they weren’t around. She always referred to them as “The Cunts,” and talked shit about them to anyone that would listen, which was a lot of salary guys, who would loiter around her deck checking out her revealing attire and bask in her flirtation. We got along at first, but then she ran her mouth about me up front one day, likely really pissed at me because I didn’t ogle and show her the attention that she expected from everyone from the male species. My boss was told about her ranting and raving and making a scene up front by someone other than her when getting back from lunch. He misconstrued something in the telling and thought that I was personally up there arguing with her, instead of innocently by proxy. He confronted me and wouldn’t believe that I had nothing to do with it. He threatened my job and as it became heated. After that he started sending me notes with 1, 2, and 3 exclamation points after her written queries. I confronted her in front of my boss and explained exacted what exclamation points mean, especially used in the manner in which she was using them. I even brought the dictionary. LOL. I will admit that I even though I knew what she was doing it was wrong of me to make a confrontation out of it. Yet, I was having a slightly unstable episode at the time. I didn’t raise my voice, but I was hyperventilating, my eyes were hatred personified, and I was talking to her as if she was a lower life form; a virus of vile contagion and pestilence maybe. Ha ha. I don’t know if I have come across with my view of her, but let me reiterate; I despise her as a person. LOL. I was called into a meeting with my boss and the plant manager and verbally reprimanded for the incident. It also was mentioned on that year’s eval. I admitted wrongdoing and honestly did feel bad because I was pretty intense and it scared both my boss and her. They were stunned. I am not a mean-spirited person. It ultimately happened because she was being an ass and I was ruminating about it every time she sent me a memo or request with 3 loud “!!!” on the page. She quit recently when she got a new boss, and it was rumored and I believe, he wouldn’t coddle her and expected her to actually be capable of her position. There is no love lost and I am happy as shit that she is gone. Anyways, to end this uber drawn-out paragraph, I finally got a raise and recognition that I worked so had for. Believe me when I say that I had many moments last year that I felt compelled, almost beyond my ability, to argue and snap with pure unadulterated lividness. I just made curt answers and really never divulged anything verbally that wasn’t specifically asked of me. They are missing out on many things that I know and can solve or help them with, but it is their loss, because if keeps me from getting worked up, that is the way my professional relationship with the management team will remain. It is a testament to therapy, my psychology studies, contemporary medication and sheer will and effort that I was able to restrain my internally-lamented bipolar tendencies. I have come far with my inner demons and I am proud of myself.
I was also recently offered a job that is a gateway job likely resulting in a corporate position. I turned it down because I am currently stress-free – nearly stress-free – in my position and I see no reason to purposely add undue stress to my life. Plus, Ash-wife’s mother isn’t in the best of health and there is no way see would relocate to Nashville after 2 or 3 more years here. Plus, my kids are established here in school. I know what it is like to move and change schools perpetually and I will not inflict that personal, emotional, and social chaos on my children if I can possibly help it.
Well, tomorrow Ash-wife and I go down state to see a neurosurgeon. Hopefully he will give us good news. Good and bad really. Good meaning that he will do surgery on her neck, which will give her back some sort of a normal existence. Yet, bad meaning that she needs a dangerous surgery. It has been over 2 years since her accident and she still hasn’t really had any treatment other than pain drugs. Plus, Comp stopped paying her wages 2 years ago now and it really has been a strain on our finances. But ultimately the worst of it is that she feels helpless, negative, and fatalistic about everything. She has PTSD and clinical depression steaming from the accident and her subsequent medical treatment by the medical community. She has been injured since she was 29 year’s old. That is just wrong. Please, let this guy help us.
Lastly, I will try to post a pic of my WIP. (work in progress)It is a 28mm scale model of a Medieval inn. Man is it a lot of work.
Wish us luck. Later, Ash out…
One thing that is darkening my mood a bit is the perpetuity of winter here in the UP. I still have 6 to 8 ft snow banks in my yard. The roads are still packed-snow covered. I haven’t seen anything green in months on end. It is truly getting old. Spring might in reality be here, but not where I live. No wonder all the elderly people that can afford it live in Florida in the winter. They are called snowbirds. I might think about light therapy next winter. Maybe. It’s an option anyway. I’ll feel like a pet lizard under the Vita-light.
On the work front, I finally got a great yearly review. I got Meets and Exceeds on my evaluation. I was told that I got the highest raise in the mill. That makes me feel good. My only negative section ever on my salary evals was my lack of professional communication. And obviously we all understand why that was. First undiagnosed and then a transitional period with my meds trying to find the right mix to quell my anger and impulsivity among other things. No blow-ups last year and only one incident the year prior. We had this crotchety, backstabbing, semiskilled, nurtured and pampered receptionist that only kept her job because guys at work thought she was hot. She complained about everything and everyone. The two other women in the office and her hated each other. She had a pet name for them when they weren’t around. She always referred to them as “The Cunts,” and talked shit about them to anyone that would listen, which was a lot of salary guys, who would loiter around her deck checking out her revealing attire and bask in her flirtation. We got along at first, but then she ran her mouth about me up front one day, likely really pissed at me because I didn’t ogle and show her the attention that she expected from everyone from the male species. My boss was told about her ranting and raving and making a scene up front by someone other than her when getting back from lunch. He misconstrued something in the telling and thought that I was personally up there arguing with her, instead of innocently by proxy. He confronted me and wouldn’t believe that I had nothing to do with it. He threatened my job and as it became heated. After that he started sending me notes with 1, 2, and 3 exclamation points after her written queries. I confronted her in front of my boss and explained exacted what exclamation points mean, especially used in the manner in which she was using them. I even brought the dictionary. LOL. I will admit that I even though I knew what she was doing it was wrong of me to make a confrontation out of it. Yet, I was having a slightly unstable episode at the time. I didn’t raise my voice, but I was hyperventilating, my eyes were hatred personified, and I was talking to her as if she was a lower life form; a virus of vile contagion and pestilence maybe. Ha ha. I don’t know if I have come across with my view of her, but let me reiterate; I despise her as a person. LOL. I was called into a meeting with my boss and the plant manager and verbally reprimanded for the incident. It also was mentioned on that year’s eval. I admitted wrongdoing and honestly did feel bad because I was pretty intense and it scared both my boss and her. They were stunned. I am not a mean-spirited person. It ultimately happened because she was being an ass and I was ruminating about it every time she sent me a memo or request with 3 loud “!!!” on the page. She quit recently when she got a new boss, and it was rumored and I believe, he wouldn’t coddle her and expected her to actually be capable of her position. There is no love lost and I am happy as shit that she is gone. Anyways, to end this uber drawn-out paragraph, I finally got a raise and recognition that I worked so had for. Believe me when I say that I had many moments last year that I felt compelled, almost beyond my ability, to argue and snap with pure unadulterated lividness. I just made curt answers and really never divulged anything verbally that wasn’t specifically asked of me. They are missing out on many things that I know and can solve or help them with, but it is their loss, because if keeps me from getting worked up, that is the way my professional relationship with the management team will remain. It is a testament to therapy, my psychology studies, contemporary medication and sheer will and effort that I was able to restrain my internally-lamented bipolar tendencies. I have come far with my inner demons and I am proud of myself.
I was also recently offered a job that is a gateway job likely resulting in a corporate position. I turned it down because I am currently stress-free – nearly stress-free – in my position and I see no reason to purposely add undue stress to my life. Plus, Ash-wife’s mother isn’t in the best of health and there is no way see would relocate to Nashville after 2 or 3 more years here. Plus, my kids are established here in school. I know what it is like to move and change schools perpetually and I will not inflict that personal, emotional, and social chaos on my children if I can possibly help it.
Well, tomorrow Ash-wife and I go down state to see a neurosurgeon. Hopefully he will give us good news. Good and bad really. Good meaning that he will do surgery on her neck, which will give her back some sort of a normal existence. Yet, bad meaning that she needs a dangerous surgery. It has been over 2 years since her accident and she still hasn’t really had any treatment other than pain drugs. Plus, Comp stopped paying her wages 2 years ago now and it really has been a strain on our finances. But ultimately the worst of it is that she feels helpless, negative, and fatalistic about everything. She has PTSD and clinical depression steaming from the accident and her subsequent medical treatment by the medical community. She has been injured since she was 29 year’s old. That is just wrong. Please, let this guy help us.
Lastly, I will try to post a pic of my WIP. (work in progress)It is a 28mm scale model of a Medieval inn. Man is it a lot of work.
Wish us luck. Later, Ash out…
Thursday, March 6, 2008
I'm Feeling much better now
I am feeling much better now, although I don't feel as regulated as a few months back. I am back on my meds. You would think that psychiatrists and their nurses would be more diligent with mental illness prescriptions. You know what I mean? What if I would have lost my job due to their negligence? I am still having bouts of irritability for some reason. I hate it. I don’t like being that person. I will have to work on this. Maybe start taking my omega 3 fish oil again.
Well, everyone I will update again soon. I hope everyone is doing well. Take care of yourselves and remember you can do anything you put your minds to. We are not handicapped; we are just challenged, so we must work harder than most. Don’t let our illness be a crutch or excuse to procrastinate and not fulfill your true potential. Be strong and you will persevere.
I myself, need to work on my motivation in regards to my psychology studies. Merely a 2 page essay has taken me 2 months so far. I just don’t feel like doing it for some odd reason. I will force myself to complete it this next week at work. Let’s see if I can update with that small accomplishment. Baby steps. Baby steps. LOL.
Thanks for sticking with me through these last few months where I have neglected my blog.
Later, Ash out…
Well, everyone I will update again soon. I hope everyone is doing well. Take care of yourselves and remember you can do anything you put your minds to. We are not handicapped; we are just challenged, so we must work harder than most. Don’t let our illness be a crutch or excuse to procrastinate and not fulfill your true potential. Be strong and you will persevere.
I myself, need to work on my motivation in regards to my psychology studies. Merely a 2 page essay has taken me 2 months so far. I just don’t feel like doing it for some odd reason. I will force myself to complete it this next week at work. Let’s see if I can update with that small accomplishment. Baby steps. Baby steps. LOL.
Thanks for sticking with me through these last few months where I have neglected my blog.
Later, Ash out…
Sunday, February 24, 2008
I'm Out Of It
First off, I didn’t quit smoking. Hopefully soon I will give this another try.
I don’t feel good right now. As I write this I am feeling down and out of it. I don’t feel normal either. I don’t know how to explain really. It is like I am a passenger in my own reality; like looking through an opaque lens. I’m me obviously, but it isn’t the me that I know. I am just going through the motions at the moment. I have to restrain my comments. It isn’t easy. I have always been a very observant person and right now I am unconsciously critiquing everything and everyone and finding all flaws. And everything is aggravating me. I shouldn’t be a work. I should be home where I don’t have to interact with as many people. I talked to one of my guys and he said that I had my “crazy eyes going all night last night and was very irritable. My wife called me at work and asked who was on the phone. She said that it didn’t even sound like me. She said that I was very curt and short with her. I can’t get coverage at the moment, so I will just have to watch myself until my days off. What I am worried about is that Monday morning all the salary people come in and I have to go to a meeting and explain how the weekend went. I will have to give myself a pep-talk before the meeting and not say too much. Hopefully no one pushes my buttons. I must remain calm, collected and professional.
I have been off my Lamictal for a week now. I can feel the difference. My Doc didn’t send in my script. I will have to call Monday morning and remedy this. I keep getting headaches. I haven’t been getting these for months now, but they are back at the moment. I really need my meds.
Wish me luck, Ash out…
I don’t feel good right now. As I write this I am feeling down and out of it. I don’t feel normal either. I don’t know how to explain really. It is like I am a passenger in my own reality; like looking through an opaque lens. I’m me obviously, but it isn’t the me that I know. I am just going through the motions at the moment. I have to restrain my comments. It isn’t easy. I have always been a very observant person and right now I am unconsciously critiquing everything and everyone and finding all flaws. And everything is aggravating me. I shouldn’t be a work. I should be home where I don’t have to interact with as many people. I talked to one of my guys and he said that I had my “crazy eyes going all night last night and was very irritable. My wife called me at work and asked who was on the phone. She said that it didn’t even sound like me. She said that I was very curt and short with her. I can’t get coverage at the moment, so I will just have to watch myself until my days off. What I am worried about is that Monday morning all the salary people come in and I have to go to a meeting and explain how the weekend went. I will have to give myself a pep-talk before the meeting and not say too much. Hopefully no one pushes my buttons. I must remain calm, collected and professional.
I have been off my Lamictal for a week now. I can feel the difference. My Doc didn’t send in my script. I will have to call Monday morning and remedy this. I keep getting headaches. I haven’t been getting these for months now, but they are back at the moment. I really need my meds.
Wish me luck, Ash out…
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Procrastinator’s Post
Sorry about the downtime with the blog thing. I usually blog at work and I was off on vacation for close to a month. And no, I didn’t do shit; I was just off of work. It was nice.
I have a weird little mood going. Manic – depressive. Well now that I write it, I guess that ain’t too weird; that is what we are. Deep winter is here now. This is always my worst time of the year. Snow banks that I can’t see over. Bitter cold temps. And with my horrible 4 days of 7am-7pm then 4 nights of 7pm-7am schedule, it is never light outside when I am awake. I honestly don’t see the light of day but a few days a week. That is probably the worst thing possible for a Bipolar person. Plus winter is so very long up here in the UP of Michigan. On the flipside I’ve been manic for a month now. The Seroquel is finding it harder and harder to put me to a good night’s rest. I often think that I am not hitting REM sleep and wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep. Guaranteed If I ran out I wouldn’t sleep much. My mind is constantly turning. I thoughts flood out just about everything. When people talk to me I have to make a conscious effort to pay attention and often that doesn’t help and I have to ask them to start over. My eyes are constantly wide and intense. I find myself dominating conversations and unable to shut-up.
I will say that luckily I haven’t had too much rage that usually wells inside during the manic times. A few days everyone’s voices grated my nerves and I got pissy, but overall I remained calm. I have caught myself at work getting irritated and having to reign in my comments that otherwise would seem crass or even belligerent.
I haven’t had any anxiety attacks since last I blogged and this makes Ash very happy. Man do I hate those.
Work hasn’t been too stressful lately, although I have been gone more than there lately. Not being there usually does wonders for stress levels. LOL.
On the weight scene, I now weigh-in at 173 lbs. I weighed 216 lbs at the start of my diet. That is 43 lbs. I am happy with were I’m at now.
I’m still smoking, but plan to quit for good tomorrow. It is expensive, plus I am sick of the morning cough. I am currently smoking over 2 packs a day. That is how I roll with things; either I don’t do something or I do it to extreme. Tomorrow starts the rest of my life. Hopefully by quitting I don’t get an oral fixation (that didn’t sound right, lol) and start chowing-down. I guess I will have to start chewing more gum.
I have started doing something with my art and fantasy obsession and plan to post pics when I’m complete with my first project. I haven’t played nearly as much poker since I started this project.
I have a weird little mood going. Manic – depressive. Well now that I write it, I guess that ain’t too weird; that is what we are. Deep winter is here now. This is always my worst time of the year. Snow banks that I can’t see over. Bitter cold temps. And with my horrible 4 days of 7am-7pm then 4 nights of 7pm-7am schedule, it is never light outside when I am awake. I honestly don’t see the light of day but a few days a week. That is probably the worst thing possible for a Bipolar person. Plus winter is so very long up here in the UP of Michigan. On the flipside I’ve been manic for a month now. The Seroquel is finding it harder and harder to put me to a good night’s rest. I often think that I am not hitting REM sleep and wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep. Guaranteed If I ran out I wouldn’t sleep much. My mind is constantly turning. I thoughts flood out just about everything. When people talk to me I have to make a conscious effort to pay attention and often that doesn’t help and I have to ask them to start over. My eyes are constantly wide and intense. I find myself dominating conversations and unable to shut-up.
I will say that luckily I haven’t had too much rage that usually wells inside during the manic times. A few days everyone’s voices grated my nerves and I got pissy, but overall I remained calm. I have caught myself at work getting irritated and having to reign in my comments that otherwise would seem crass or even belligerent.
I haven’t had any anxiety attacks since last I blogged and this makes Ash very happy. Man do I hate those.
Work hasn’t been too stressful lately, although I have been gone more than there lately. Not being there usually does wonders for stress levels. LOL.
On the weight scene, I now weigh-in at 173 lbs. I weighed 216 lbs at the start of my diet. That is 43 lbs. I am happy with were I’m at now.
I’m still smoking, but plan to quit for good tomorrow. It is expensive, plus I am sick of the morning cough. I am currently smoking over 2 packs a day. That is how I roll with things; either I don’t do something or I do it to extreme. Tomorrow starts the rest of my life. Hopefully by quitting I don’t get an oral fixation (that didn’t sound right, lol) and start chowing-down. I guess I will have to start chewing more gum.
I have started doing something with my art and fantasy obsession and plan to post pics when I’m complete with my first project. I haven’t played nearly as much poker since I started this project.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Hey All
I will update within the next few days. I have been real manic for weeks now. I have also been on vacation for a month now.
Later, Ash out...
Later, Ash out...
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