They Are Home But I'm Far From Whole

They came home Sunday Afternoon. My wife and I have talked a lot. My daughter and I have taked a little but she is still a bit uneasy. My son wants nothing to do with me. We think it would be good for them both to see counselors. I am totally willing to have therapy with my son. Maybe a therapist can help me get through all my cold hearted baggage of my upbringing and bipolar brain and get him to understand just how deeply I love him. I have to go slowly and teach myself via my counseling to open up and show my family the love inside before it's too late. He leaves for college in one year. This is likely my last hope for the relationship I envision.

I Guess I Left Them Before They Left Me

My family left me Friday night after I snapped. I'm sure I scared them with my selfish, mean-spirited, intimidating comments and actions. Abuse is abuse, even if verbal or fear of psychosis . It is like what countless people (teachers, bosses, friends) have always had to say to me: there is nothing wrong with what you said, it was how you said it.

They are staying at her parents'. It is Sunday morning now. My son slipped in sometime this morning and left his car for me and my phone. I tried to call Amber but she didn't answer. I'll leave a message next time I call; say I'm sorry and ask them to come home. If nothing else, let her know that I'll leave for a little while so they can grab some things.

I'm very depressed, but not in a depressive episode. I would never kill myself in this situation. I'm a selfish bastard, they is obvious to me, but not enough to leave my family false guilt that they caused or played a part in my suicide. Weird how one can be good and shit inside at the same time. I find myself looking to the driveway habitually just like our dogs. I hope they give me a chance to get help. This is the whole reason I decided to start seeing a counselor. Pills can only do so much. I need to talk through my issues and know my triggers. To make myself worthy of their love, be the best father/husband I can be. Too bad my first appointment isn't until the end of the month. At least they brought my phone. I'm pretty that means she wants some type of communication. I wouldn't blame them if they left me. No one should have to put up with a bipolar person, because even when they love with all their heart, their mind is broken. This is the exact reason that I tried to kill myself last month. They put up with me because they love me, I know. The good times are better than the bad with me, but really how fair is that to them. So as much as I love them and need them, I will honor their decision. I will take it slow and leave only one message and then let them choose to reciprocate.

I'm not a bad person inside, I was just put together wrong. I am at fault. I want no pity. I just want my family back.