I HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER;
BIPOLAR DISORDER DOESN'T HAVE ME.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Good News
Ash-wife went in for her biopsy. We were at the hospital for 6 ½ hrs. The Dr. came in and said that it was totally gone. That is very odd, yet the best outcome possible. I’m guessing that is was actually a cyst and it broke, but what do I know? Our stress level has gone do considerably. It does piss me off though that her regular Dr. told us that it looked like cancer.
I’m doing well. I lost my P-doc because he went to a new practice. He is going to see if my family Dr. will just prescribe my psych meds. Hopefully this works out. If I have some bad issues or episodes I will get another one or see a therapist.
Later, Ash out…
I’m doing well. I lost my P-doc because he went to a new practice. He is going to see if my family Dr. will just prescribe my psych meds. Hopefully this works out. If I have some bad issues or episodes I will get another one or see a therapist.
Later, Ash out…
Monday, June 23, 2008
Quick Update
I have been doing rather well, although I am still dealing with the irritability issues.
We are rather busy at the moment. Both kids have soccer, which takes up 3 to 4 days a week.
It isn’t looking good with Ash-wife’s test results. We have an appointment on the 2nd to go over the results. But our family Dr told my wife the other day at her appointment that by the blood work it looks like cancer. He told her that she has had a horrible young life with medical problems and that she should really start praying. That is currently scaring the shit out of us.
I have been playing poker a lot lately due to being on a 14-day win streak. I’m up $800 in those 2 weeks. I always when in the long-term, but this is one hell of a rush that I’m on. I haven’t spent any of my own $ in years, since I started back in 2006. I have made over $7000 that has helped supplement our income since Ash-wife got injured. That is a great hobby if you ask me. Getting paid for something that I love. I’m averaging $20/hr.
Here is quick pic of one of my finished projects. It was made entirely out of Plaster of Paris and then painted. It relaxes me while I watch TV with the Fam. It is 28 cm. Scale. No taller that 4’’.
Weight update: I now have been living at 173 to 175lbs for 3 months or so. I am happy about this.
My camera sucks, I know.
Later Ash out…
We are rather busy at the moment. Both kids have soccer, which takes up 3 to 4 days a week.
It isn’t looking good with Ash-wife’s test results. We have an appointment on the 2nd to go over the results. But our family Dr told my wife the other day at her appointment that by the blood work it looks like cancer. He told her that she has had a horrible young life with medical problems and that she should really start praying. That is currently scaring the shit out of us.
I have been playing poker a lot lately due to being on a 14-day win streak. I’m up $800 in those 2 weeks. I always when in the long-term, but this is one hell of a rush that I’m on. I haven’t spent any of my own $ in years, since I started back in 2006. I have made over $7000 that has helped supplement our income since Ash-wife got injured. That is a great hobby if you ask me. Getting paid for something that I love. I’m averaging $20/hr.
Here is quick pic of one of my finished projects. It was made entirely out of Plaster of Paris and then painted. It relaxes me while I watch TV with the Fam. It is 28 cm. Scale. No taller that 4’’.
Weight update: I now have been living at 173 to 175lbs for 3 months or so. I am happy about this.
My camera sucks, I know.
Later Ash out…
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Not So Good News
I have been doing well for the most part. I have been a bit overly irritable lately. My wife said that I have been snappy with her the past few weeks. I told her that I would stop it and I have done well recently.
I got my evaluation the other day and the “unprofessional communication” comment has reared its ugly head again. All salary personnel now have a performance plan and get evaluated quarterly now. WhooHoo, kick ass. One solace is that now us supervisors don’t have to attend the morning meetings any longer. This will help me greatly because I will seldom interact with management, thus giving me less chance of an outburst. I still need to work on this for myself though. I think my biggest problem is ruminating on things that aggravate me, so when the discussion/confrontation arises I am already worked up.
One last thing is that my P-doc is leaving, so I will have to find another psych. That sucks. It will be my third one. I hate having to rehash my flaws over and over to new people, but I do need my meds.
On the poker addiction front. I have really been doing OK here. I played the bare minimum during the last 3 months. YET, that will likely change now. I bought a laptop. I can now sit in bed and play. I still don’t plan to play more during the day or so much that I neglect everyone. I have been very good with sticking to a few hrs a day, around half the month.
Today’s Pet Peeve: People that don’t have a conception of one’s private space. Everyone has an invisible “territorial Bubble” surrounding them. That is my space. If you want to talk to me, go ahead and stay a good 2 feet away and state your business. I don’t need, want, or except you getting 6 inches from my face and wanting to converse back and forth. (Especially if you spit on your “S’s” or if your funky breath wafts out on your “H’s”). If you can’t hear, ask me to speak up. If you can’t talk loud enough for me to hear, don’t worry, I will occasionally nod and/or kick-out an acquiescence so you think I give a shit about what I’m not listening to anyways. Curt summation: Get out of my damn face.
Ash-wife’s medical update. We had a hearing with comp last month. TheY got an extension to get their ducks in a row. 2 ½ years and they need extra time to get everything together. That is sad. Our next hearing is June 5th. She has so much documentation that I can’t see her losing the case. We will see.
She just went in for an EEG the other day and they found seizure activity. She never had those before her accident. We don’t see the neurologist until the very day of the hearing so hopefully she can obtain the EEG report itself for evidence. It is amazing what a 20lb. box to the head can do to one’s body. Luckily she has had the same Dr. for a long time, who can verify how active she was and without these medical issues before the accident.
As if my wife hasn’t had a bad enough time medically, we have a new issue that is causing a lot of stress in our lives at the moment. My wife has had a cyst on one of her ovaries for years. Over the last few years it has gotten bigger. (The size of a golf ball.) Finally her Dr. decided that she should get a Pap Smear to check it out. He found that it had grown to the size of a baseball. Also it was attached to the outside of her uterus. This was making her body believe that she was pregnant to a point. She has lactated for many years and we always thought it was kind’a weird. Not full baby rearing boobs, but occasionally they would ache and she could pinch her nipples and get a little milk out. Anyways, they just did an ultrasound the other day and found to our dismay, that in fact it was a tumor. They will do tests within the next few weeks and we will know if it is benign or not. She also has a small mass on her liver that has been there for years. We are very afraid. She has not told her mother yet due to her mother’s heart problems. No reason to get her worked up before we know one way or the other. When the doctor thought it was just a cyst attached to her uterus, he was going to do a partial hysterectomy and leave the other ovary so she didn’t do the menopausal hormone thing at her age. Now he wants to go in and biopsy a piece. I have heard too many horror stories of cancer spreading when they mess with a cancerous tumor or organ. They were going to remove everything anyways, so we are going to discuss them just removing the whole thing in one shot and biopsy it once it is out of her, as not to take the risk. Wish us the best and pray for her.
I got my evaluation the other day and the “unprofessional communication” comment has reared its ugly head again. All salary personnel now have a performance plan and get evaluated quarterly now. WhooHoo, kick ass. One solace is that now us supervisors don’t have to attend the morning meetings any longer. This will help me greatly because I will seldom interact with management, thus giving me less chance of an outburst. I still need to work on this for myself though. I think my biggest problem is ruminating on things that aggravate me, so when the discussion/confrontation arises I am already worked up.
One last thing is that my P-doc is leaving, so I will have to find another psych. That sucks. It will be my third one. I hate having to rehash my flaws over and over to new people, but I do need my meds.
On the poker addiction front. I have really been doing OK here. I played the bare minimum during the last 3 months. YET, that will likely change now. I bought a laptop. I can now sit in bed and play. I still don’t plan to play more during the day or so much that I neglect everyone. I have been very good with sticking to a few hrs a day, around half the month.
Today’s Pet Peeve: People that don’t have a conception of one’s private space. Everyone has an invisible “territorial Bubble” surrounding them. That is my space. If you want to talk to me, go ahead and stay a good 2 feet away and state your business. I don’t need, want, or except you getting 6 inches from my face and wanting to converse back and forth. (Especially if you spit on your “S’s” or if your funky breath wafts out on your “H’s”). If you can’t hear, ask me to speak up. If you can’t talk loud enough for me to hear, don’t worry, I will occasionally nod and/or kick-out an acquiescence so you think I give a shit about what I’m not listening to anyways. Curt summation: Get out of my damn face.
Ash-wife’s medical update. We had a hearing with comp last month. TheY got an extension to get their ducks in a row. 2 ½ years and they need extra time to get everything together. That is sad. Our next hearing is June 5th. She has so much documentation that I can’t see her losing the case. We will see.
She just went in for an EEG the other day and they found seizure activity. She never had those before her accident. We don’t see the neurologist until the very day of the hearing so hopefully she can obtain the EEG report itself for evidence. It is amazing what a 20lb. box to the head can do to one’s body. Luckily she has had the same Dr. for a long time, who can verify how active she was and without these medical issues before the accident.
As if my wife hasn’t had a bad enough time medically, we have a new issue that is causing a lot of stress in our lives at the moment. My wife has had a cyst on one of her ovaries for years. Over the last few years it has gotten bigger. (The size of a golf ball.) Finally her Dr. decided that she should get a Pap Smear to check it out. He found that it had grown to the size of a baseball. Also it was attached to the outside of her uterus. This was making her body believe that she was pregnant to a point. She has lactated for many years and we always thought it was kind’a weird. Not full baby rearing boobs, but occasionally they would ache and she could pinch her nipples and get a little milk out. Anyways, they just did an ultrasound the other day and found to our dismay, that in fact it was a tumor. They will do tests within the next few weeks and we will know if it is benign or not. She also has a small mass on her liver that has been there for years. We are very afraid. She has not told her mother yet due to her mother’s heart problems. No reason to get her worked up before we know one way or the other. When the doctor thought it was just a cyst attached to her uterus, he was going to do a partial hysterectomy and leave the other ovary so she didn’t do the menopausal hormone thing at her age. Now he wants to go in and biopsy a piece. I have heard too many horror stories of cancer spreading when they mess with a cancerous tumor or organ. They were going to remove everything anyways, so we are going to discuss them just removing the whole thing in one shot and biopsy it once it is out of her, as not to take the risk. Wish us the best and pray for her.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
...And Kids That Was The First Time I @#*%ed $*%# For Crack
I’m sorry all; I just haven’t been with it lately. I’m not going to make a bunch of promises about my procrastinating ways. I’ll just say that I will try harder to post more often.
On Ash-wife’s medical front, it isn’t going too well. It is a very slow process. I see her spiraling daily into depression and defeatism. The neuro-surgeon said that she has some minor structural damage, but nothing that can be helped surgically. They all say that there isn’t any or much compression of the nerves or spiral cord - not enough to necessitate surgery that is. They want her to learn to deal with the pain or continue on pain meds the rest of her natural life apparently. Our lawyer had a hearing with Comp, but all that occurred was an extension to a later date in June so Comp can get more medical reports together. We have an appointment with a Comp Dr coming up in a few weeks. I’m guessing that is going to be a farce and a half. My wife is totally stressed about it and can’t shake thinking about it. On the plus side, my wife has lost around 15 lbs in a month or so, to which makes her happy in this otherwise drear and tumultuous phase in her life. She looks better and is getting compliments and non-stop queries on how she is accomplishing it. Since she can’t exercise due to her injury she has done this all by her on diet program. She eats a small portion every 2 hrs throughout the day. She eats what she wants too, not just healthy foods. I am actually quite amazed at how well this is working for her. She feels good about herself in this respect and that makes Ash a happy man.
I have never really gone through DT’s before. When I quit smoking for the first time years ago –yea that sucked. But I’m telling you I took a kick to the junk last week. I’ve run out of lamictal multiple times in the past and never really had too many withdraw symptoms. I ran out of Seroquel last week and OMG did it kill me. I had chest pains, heart pains, heart palpitations, migraines, chills, sweats, muscle aches, fatigue, vomiting, inability to eat, and barely any sleep for days. I honestly thought I was dying. I could barely move; I was in so much misery. Sorry about the whine session guys, but I have never felt anything even close to that. I was like that dude from the original Grease on Celebrity Rehab. LOL. What pisses me off about it all is that I now have to go through a mail order prescription service through my work insurance. I called my P-doc and he called it in for me, but for some reason it sat in the research department at the mail order assholes for close to a week. I don’t know what the issue was, but they should be able to resolve whatever issues they were having with my script a bit more promptly. Hell, what if it was someone’s heart pills or maybe a BIPOLAR person that might just snap at any moment and lose their relationships, livelihood, sanity, and/or freedom. My wife figured out what the problem was – DT’s. It got so bad that my wife called my P-doc back and got them to fax me a 10-day supply at my local pharmacy. An hr after taking my pills I was totally better. Baby got his crack back!!!
I hope everyone is doing well. Later, Ash out…
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I'm Feeling Pretty Good Right Now and Other Ramblings
I still feel well; great actually. I really think that the fish oil pills do help keep me stable. I am less irritable also, which is beautiful.
One thing that is darkening my mood a bit is the perpetuity of winter here in the UP. I still have 6 to 8 ft snow banks in my yard. The roads are still packed-snow covered. I haven’t seen anything green in months on end. It is truly getting old. Spring might in reality be here, but not where I live. No wonder all the elderly people that can afford it live in Florida in the winter. They are called snowbirds. I might think about light therapy next winter. Maybe. It’s an option anyway. I’ll feel like a pet lizard under the Vita-light.
On the work front, I finally got a great yearly review. I got Meets and Exceeds on my evaluation. I was told that I got the highest raise in the mill. That makes me feel good. My only negative section ever on my salary evals was my lack of professional communication. And obviously we all understand why that was. First undiagnosed and then a transitional period with my meds trying to find the right mix to quell my anger and impulsivity among other things. No blow-ups last year and only one incident the year prior. We had this crotchety, backstabbing, semiskilled, nurtured and pampered receptionist that only kept her job because guys at work thought she was hot. She complained about everything and everyone. The two other women in the office and her hated each other. She had a pet name for them when they weren’t around. She always referred to them as “The Cunts,” and talked shit about them to anyone that would listen, which was a lot of salary guys, who would loiter around her deck checking out her revealing attire and bask in her flirtation. We got along at first, but then she ran her mouth about me up front one day, likely really pissed at me because I didn’t ogle and show her the attention that she expected from everyone from the male species. My boss was told about her ranting and raving and making a scene up front by someone other than her when getting back from lunch. He misconstrued something in the telling and thought that I was personally up there arguing with her, instead of innocently by proxy. He confronted me and wouldn’t believe that I had nothing to do with it. He threatened my job and as it became heated. After that he started sending me notes with 1, 2, and 3 exclamation points after her written queries. I confronted her in front of my boss and explained exacted what exclamation points mean, especially used in the manner in which she was using them. I even brought the dictionary. LOL. I will admit that I even though I knew what she was doing it was wrong of me to make a confrontation out of it. Yet, I was having a slightly unstable episode at the time. I didn’t raise my voice, but I was hyperventilating, my eyes were hatred personified, and I was talking to her as if she was a lower life form; a virus of vile contagion and pestilence maybe. Ha ha. I don’t know if I have come across with my view of her, but let me reiterate; I despise her as a person. LOL. I was called into a meeting with my boss and the plant manager and verbally reprimanded for the incident. It also was mentioned on that year’s eval. I admitted wrongdoing and honestly did feel bad because I was pretty intense and it scared both my boss and her. They were stunned. I am not a mean-spirited person. It ultimately happened because she was being an ass and I was ruminating about it every time she sent me a memo or request with 3 loud “!!!” on the page. She quit recently when she got a new boss, and it was rumored and I believe, he wouldn’t coddle her and expected her to actually be capable of her position. There is no love lost and I am happy as shit that she is gone. Anyways, to end this uber drawn-out paragraph, I finally got a raise and recognition that I worked so had for. Believe me when I say that I had many moments last year that I felt compelled, almost beyond my ability, to argue and snap with pure unadulterated lividness. I just made curt answers and really never divulged anything verbally that wasn’t specifically asked of me. They are missing out on many things that I know and can solve or help them with, but it is their loss, because if keeps me from getting worked up, that is the way my professional relationship with the management team will remain. It is a testament to therapy, my psychology studies, contemporary medication and sheer will and effort that I was able to restrain my internally-lamented bipolar tendencies. I have come far with my inner demons and I am proud of myself.
I was also recently offered a job that is a gateway job likely resulting in a corporate position. I turned it down because I am currently stress-free – nearly stress-free – in my position and I see no reason to purposely add undue stress to my life. Plus, Ash-wife’s mother isn’t in the best of health and there is no way see would relocate to Nashville after 2 or 3 more years here. Plus, my kids are established here in school. I know what it is like to move and change schools perpetually and I will not inflict that personal, emotional, and social chaos on my children if I can possibly help it.
Well, tomorrow Ash-wife and I go down state to see a neurosurgeon. Hopefully he will give us good news. Good and bad really. Good meaning that he will do surgery on her neck, which will give her back some sort of a normal existence. Yet, bad meaning that she needs a dangerous surgery. It has been over 2 years since her accident and she still hasn’t really had any treatment other than pain drugs. Plus, Comp stopped paying her wages 2 years ago now and it really has been a strain on our finances. But ultimately the worst of it is that she feels helpless, negative, and fatalistic about everything. She has PTSD and clinical depression steaming from the accident and her subsequent medical treatment by the medical community. She has been injured since she was 29 year’s old. That is just wrong. Please, let this guy help us.
Lastly, I will try to post a pic of my WIP. (work in progress)It is a 28mm scale model of a Medieval inn. Man is it a lot of work.
Wish us luck. Later, Ash out…
One thing that is darkening my mood a bit is the perpetuity of winter here in the UP. I still have 6 to 8 ft snow banks in my yard. The roads are still packed-snow covered. I haven’t seen anything green in months on end. It is truly getting old. Spring might in reality be here, but not where I live. No wonder all the elderly people that can afford it live in Florida in the winter. They are called snowbirds. I might think about light therapy next winter. Maybe. It’s an option anyway. I’ll feel like a pet lizard under the Vita-light.
On the work front, I finally got a great yearly review. I got Meets and Exceeds on my evaluation. I was told that I got the highest raise in the mill. That makes me feel good. My only negative section ever on my salary evals was my lack of professional communication. And obviously we all understand why that was. First undiagnosed and then a transitional period with my meds trying to find the right mix to quell my anger and impulsivity among other things. No blow-ups last year and only one incident the year prior. We had this crotchety, backstabbing, semiskilled, nurtured and pampered receptionist that only kept her job because guys at work thought she was hot. She complained about everything and everyone. The two other women in the office and her hated each other. She had a pet name for them when they weren’t around. She always referred to them as “The Cunts,” and talked shit about them to anyone that would listen, which was a lot of salary guys, who would loiter around her deck checking out her revealing attire and bask in her flirtation. We got along at first, but then she ran her mouth about me up front one day, likely really pissed at me because I didn’t ogle and show her the attention that she expected from everyone from the male species. My boss was told about her ranting and raving and making a scene up front by someone other than her when getting back from lunch. He misconstrued something in the telling and thought that I was personally up there arguing with her, instead of innocently by proxy. He confronted me and wouldn’t believe that I had nothing to do with it. He threatened my job and as it became heated. After that he started sending me notes with 1, 2, and 3 exclamation points after her written queries. I confronted her in front of my boss and explained exacted what exclamation points mean, especially used in the manner in which she was using them. I even brought the dictionary. LOL. I will admit that I even though I knew what she was doing it was wrong of me to make a confrontation out of it. Yet, I was having a slightly unstable episode at the time. I didn’t raise my voice, but I was hyperventilating, my eyes were hatred personified, and I was talking to her as if she was a lower life form; a virus of vile contagion and pestilence maybe. Ha ha. I don’t know if I have come across with my view of her, but let me reiterate; I despise her as a person. LOL. I was called into a meeting with my boss and the plant manager and verbally reprimanded for the incident. It also was mentioned on that year’s eval. I admitted wrongdoing and honestly did feel bad because I was pretty intense and it scared both my boss and her. They were stunned. I am not a mean-spirited person. It ultimately happened because she was being an ass and I was ruminating about it every time she sent me a memo or request with 3 loud “!!!” on the page. She quit recently when she got a new boss, and it was rumored and I believe, he wouldn’t coddle her and expected her to actually be capable of her position. There is no love lost and I am happy as shit that she is gone. Anyways, to end this uber drawn-out paragraph, I finally got a raise and recognition that I worked so had for. Believe me when I say that I had many moments last year that I felt compelled, almost beyond my ability, to argue and snap with pure unadulterated lividness. I just made curt answers and really never divulged anything verbally that wasn’t specifically asked of me. They are missing out on many things that I know and can solve or help them with, but it is their loss, because if keeps me from getting worked up, that is the way my professional relationship with the management team will remain. It is a testament to therapy, my psychology studies, contemporary medication and sheer will and effort that I was able to restrain my internally-lamented bipolar tendencies. I have come far with my inner demons and I am proud of myself.
I was also recently offered a job that is a gateway job likely resulting in a corporate position. I turned it down because I am currently stress-free – nearly stress-free – in my position and I see no reason to purposely add undue stress to my life. Plus, Ash-wife’s mother isn’t in the best of health and there is no way see would relocate to Nashville after 2 or 3 more years here. Plus, my kids are established here in school. I know what it is like to move and change schools perpetually and I will not inflict that personal, emotional, and social chaos on my children if I can possibly help it.
Well, tomorrow Ash-wife and I go down state to see a neurosurgeon. Hopefully he will give us good news. Good and bad really. Good meaning that he will do surgery on her neck, which will give her back some sort of a normal existence. Yet, bad meaning that she needs a dangerous surgery. It has been over 2 years since her accident and she still hasn’t really had any treatment other than pain drugs. Plus, Comp stopped paying her wages 2 years ago now and it really has been a strain on our finances. But ultimately the worst of it is that she feels helpless, negative, and fatalistic about everything. She has PTSD and clinical depression steaming from the accident and her subsequent medical treatment by the medical community. She has been injured since she was 29 year’s old. That is just wrong. Please, let this guy help us.
Lastly, I will try to post a pic of my WIP. (work in progress)It is a 28mm scale model of a Medieval inn. Man is it a lot of work.
Wish us luck. Later, Ash out…
Thursday, March 6, 2008
I'm Feeling much better now
I am feeling much better now, although I don't feel as regulated as a few months back. I am back on my meds. You would think that psychiatrists and their nurses would be more diligent with mental illness prescriptions. You know what I mean? What if I would have lost my job due to their negligence? I am still having bouts of irritability for some reason. I hate it. I don’t like being that person. I will have to work on this. Maybe start taking my omega 3 fish oil again.
Well, everyone I will update again soon. I hope everyone is doing well. Take care of yourselves and remember you can do anything you put your minds to. We are not handicapped; we are just challenged, so we must work harder than most. Don’t let our illness be a crutch or excuse to procrastinate and not fulfill your true potential. Be strong and you will persevere.
I myself, need to work on my motivation in regards to my psychology studies. Merely a 2 page essay has taken me 2 months so far. I just don’t feel like doing it for some odd reason. I will force myself to complete it this next week at work. Let’s see if I can update with that small accomplishment. Baby steps. Baby steps. LOL.
Thanks for sticking with me through these last few months where I have neglected my blog.
Later, Ash out…
Well, everyone I will update again soon. I hope everyone is doing well. Take care of yourselves and remember you can do anything you put your minds to. We are not handicapped; we are just challenged, so we must work harder than most. Don’t let our illness be a crutch or excuse to procrastinate and not fulfill your true potential. Be strong and you will persevere.
I myself, need to work on my motivation in regards to my psychology studies. Merely a 2 page essay has taken me 2 months so far. I just don’t feel like doing it for some odd reason. I will force myself to complete it this next week at work. Let’s see if I can update with that small accomplishment. Baby steps. Baby steps. LOL.
Thanks for sticking with me through these last few months where I have neglected my blog.
Later, Ash out…
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