What a Bad Boy I Have Been

OK, since my last post I have not been doing too well. I am still pretty manic, especially with poker and WoW. But, the real problem is anger this week. I haven’t been able to get a handle on it. I have been yelling again. I feel the frustration building. Now that I realize it I should be able to counter the issue. Everyone aggravates me currently. The kids’ voices grate on my nerves. Ash-boy has really been irritating me lately. I’m not totally sure if it just my mood or if his teenage antics are the issue. Likely both. But I think the majority is me. I will accept responsibility for my actions. I actually called my wife a bitch today. That is something that I just don’t do. In our 14 years of marriage I can likely count myself calling her that on my fingers. I apologized but I still shouldn’t have done it, especially not in front of my kids. That just goes to show how bad I am and my current mood swing. I WILL control my anger.

Another thing that I have done that I’m not proud of is that I have been smoking lately. It all started early in the year. I would have a few squares while at poker parties while drinking. I then wouldn’t have another until the next game, which would be anywhere from two weeks to a month later. I figured that that wasn’t too bad. I didn’t hide this fact from my wife. Sadly this planted the seed in my addictive personality as well as giving my wife vindictive thoughts. You see we both quit 8 years ago. I was smoking 3 packs a day at that time. Well when we split-up for that week months ago she started smoking with the excuse of stress and the fact that I was puffing on occasion. I was pissed but I let her quit on her own. It took her a few months but she did it. During this same time I occasionally would bum one at work. Well it got the point that I was bumming a lot of smokes. Then I finally took the big plunge 2 weeks ago and bought a pack so I wouldn’t be a bumming punk. Then starting 2 weeks with that pack I lasted 3 of my 4 days working with that 1 pack. I then bought another and smoked my last day working and started sneaking 1 to 3 sigs a day on my 4 days off. Last 4 days at work I started smoking a pack a day. That whole 2 weeks as well as the occasional bummed smoke I was hiding from my wife. Like a teenage punk. Well after my last night she smelled it on me. We got into a big argument and talked for an hr or more. I quit that night and have been good for 4 days now. We both hid the smoking from our kids. We have been adamant with them on the detrimental effects of smoking and if they ever knew, we would be total hypocrites in their eyes and they might one day try them. So I will quit if for no other reason than for my kids.



BTW, that is not me;)

Later, Ash out…