I'm Out Of It

First off, I didn’t quit smoking. Hopefully soon I will give this another try.

I don’t feel good right now. As I write this I am feeling down and out of it. I don’t feel normal either. I don’t know how to explain really. It is like I am a passenger in my own reality; like looking through an opaque lens. I’m me obviously, but it isn’t the me that I know. I am just going through the motions at the moment. I have to restrain my comments. It isn’t easy. I have always been a very observant person and right now I am unconsciously critiquing everything and everyone and finding all flaws. And everything is aggravating me. I shouldn’t be a work. I should be home where I don’t have to interact with as many people. I talked to one of my guys and he said that I had my “crazy eyes going all night last night and was very irritable. My wife called me at work and asked who was on the phone. She said that it didn’t even sound like me. She said that I was very curt and short with her. I can’t get coverage at the moment, so I will just have to watch myself until my days off. What I am worried about is that Monday morning all the salary people come in and I have to go to a meeting and explain how the weekend went. I will have to give myself a pep-talk before the meeting and not say too much. Hopefully no one pushes my buttons. I must remain calm, collected and professional.

I have been off my Lamictal for a week now. I can feel the difference. My Doc didn’t send in my script. I will have to call Monday morning and remedy this. I keep getting headaches. I haven’t been getting these for months now, but they are back at the moment. I really need my meds.

Wish me luck, Ash out…