Once I hit NC I became a total piece of shit. Yes, at 5 year’s old. I now know that it was me acting out to the abusive home environment; my way of coping. Shit, if I was going to get beat at home for nothing, why not be bad at school. I got attention from kids because I was disruptive and the class-clown. I got suspended from school at least once every year from kindergarten until I quit in 9th grade – most years I was not allowed at school for weeks or months. I got expelled from 3 schools – that is where you are never allowed to go there again, at least not that year. I had to live with relatives and friends so I could go to a different school district. My records always went with me, and anything that happened, it was always blamed on me, rightly so in most cases I will admit. I now feel sorry for all those teachers. Shit, once a teacher hit me in the head with a teacher’s addition math book, which made a pencil that I was holding point-up, impel me deep into my upper-lip, and cause stitches. Hell, I was only a 2nd year 2nd grader at that time. I failed 2nd grade the first time due to not being able to read on a third grade level, due to my incompetent parents that wouldn’t read with me. OK, that and for bad grades due to getting in so much trouble. You see, when you’re suspended you aren’t usually allowed to make up that work and you get 0’s on all of that work. And there is no bringing up grades with tons of 0’s let me tell ya. If I have a 100% on one paper and a 0% on the next, that is only a 50% average, and that damn sure ain’t passing. Could you imagine me not having the ability to read proficiently? I can’t. Sheer neglect. I felt ashamed because everyone that I knew was in a grade higher than me. I don’t think that I ever truly recovered from that.
By the 4th grade even my dad gave up on me and told me as much. He told me that there was no reason to waste his time trying to discipline me anymore and that I was a waste of space. I received my last spanking when I broke into or Elementary School that summer, which was closed down for restoration. I was hanging with an 8th grader. I obviously got caught. The police threatened to send me away, but come on, where do you send a 9 year old! They put in cuffs and took me down town in the back of the cop car. I roamed the streets with any free time to not have to go home and my parents didn’t care as long as I got home 15 min. after the streetlights came on. I smoked my 1st cigarette at 5, which my best friend Jason and I stole from his mom.
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2 comments:
You didn't have a good role model, or anyone encouraging you in any way. I haven't lost any respect for you like you mentioned in a previous post - I think you were a very neglected and abused little boy who should be proud that he grew up as well as he did.
I agree with Kansas. You didn't have anyone to show you the ropes, man! Give yourself some credit! It's past due. You are a good guy Ash. I have read every one of your posts. Yeah, you F- up now and then. So do I. You sleep more than you should sometimes. So do I. That is not our fault. It is our Bipolar. No matter what people say. It drains us. I relate to what you say about the way you sometimes just can't stand the noise. I have never been able to put that in words before. You have helped me so much, you just don't know. You have put my thoughts into words. I know it sounds cheesy. I am a girl, so it's okay. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not a bad guy. We are all just different. It's not always bad to be different.
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