Update and a Dark Secret: Oooh Now That's a Title

How’s it going all? I have been well. I haven’t had a lot of time to post or surf lately due to actually working at work the past few rotations. All the hrly workers were laid-off due to an extremely weak current housing market. That left some chores that needed doing while we are down. So obviously that leaves us salary Sup’s. Man that sucked. We still aren’t back up until next week, but all the work is complete.

Plus, I was on a business trip out of state last week. The guy that we were following took a wrong turn and our already long 9 hr drive there turned into an excruciating 12.5 hr ride. I felt like killing his ass. It was another Smoke School trip. This time I didn’t let it stress me out much. I ended up passing on the 2nd test, which was cool. I failed the 1st one by 1 mark. That sucked and I did start stressing slightly, but luckily I crushed the next test. I have to re-certify on these dumb tests semi-annually. I should buy myself a lap-top so I can play cards online during these trips. It would be better than blowing cash at the bars every night.

Oh yea, the other thing that is also currently taxing my time is Football. I live at Ash-boy’s practices 2 hrs an afternoon/5 days a week and games on Sat. So as you can surmise that doesn’t leave much time for anything else. Brag-time. I have always been half-ass coordinated and could at least kind’a compete at sports, but my son has a god-given gift athletically. He has always been one of the top players on all his teams. In Football, he has always been 1st string on offense, defense, and all special teams, no matter if he was the youngest or oldest on the 2 year teams. Shit, he often doesn’t even get a break. This year he is 12 and is in the 7th grade. He is huge. I wear 10 ½ shoes and while shopping for his school shoes a few months ago he had to buy 11’s. He also was on the A-honor roll all of last year, although he extremely anal about his work and worries way too much about his grades and loses sleep over it some nights. Brag-time over.

Mentally I still have been pretty stable over the last month. I still get manic off and on, but I still haven’t had any depressive episodes. That is a plus. I have had some days where I was uber irritated though. I have recently run out of my Lamictal. My P-doc’s office has some stupid automated script phone service. I was already off for 3 days before I called and it has been 3 days since and still no freakin’ pills at my local pharmacy. I will have to call again. My wife says that she can see a huge difference and that I am very cranky and irrational most days. I honestly can say that I have noticed it a few days myself. Voices are like nails on a chalkboard sometimes. I have screamed at the top of my lungs a few times. I have had to hide on occasions, because I couldn’t control my anger. I really need my meds I guess. Fuck, I was starting to thing that maybe I really wasn’t BP lately. I think I am on just the right amount of meds and for the most part they repress my rage and moodiness. But life couldn’t be that kind; I am still broken. I joked (kind’a) with the wife that maybe I really didn’t need meds anymore and that because they are so wearing on our current finances (Comp still being dicks) that maybe I should try living without them. But after my mood swings since being out of meds she told me to fuck-off drop that notion. If nothing else, I do see him next Monday. Stupid phone automation. Honestly as much as I hate that shit I can see using that system in some endeavors, but for the mentally ill? Come on normal people, use your healthy brains and make some fuckin’ sense for a change. Dumbasses. It’s like having a British nanny watch your toddler - It might work out, but then again, her remedy for a crying baby might be to shake it till it shuts up. (Not-so-recent news analogy.) Without my pills my mental health is going down faster than Idaho Senator Larry Craig in a Minnesota airport restroom. (Current news analogy and slightly less dark.)

I figured it would be best to end with a negative. (You see, I am learning a lot in my psychology courses. LOL.) I have a secret to tell you. Wait for it… wait for it. I never quit smoking; in fact I am puffing more than (I feel another Larry Craig comment coming on, which I will refrain from,) a pack a day. I do need to quit. I am ashamed. After my wife found out I lied and said I quit and hid it for a few weeks until she caught me, AGAIN. I was like a teenager sneaking around behind their parents’ back. I was ashamed but couldn’t stop. When she caught me she immediately went out and bought herself a pack. Damn, women seem to be inherently vindictive. Jokin’ – kind’a. Anyways, we both are now sneaking around hiding this dark secret from our 2 children like the addicted hypocrites that we have become. They will figure it out soon if we don’t get the strength to kick the habit soon. 8 fuckin’ years down the tubes. Maybe I will try taking to my physician. I don’t need sympathy; I need an ass-whoopin’. My parents would shit. Not that I really care too much what they think.

I am happy; just a little pissed at my weakness is all.

Oh yea, I am still living at right at 190lbs. 26lbs ain't all that bad. I can see Little-Ash hanging down there again. It's always nice to see an old friend. LOL. Ok, I'm done being immature now.

Later, Ash out…