Tid Bits

Growing up I always was afraid of the dark. I’m guessing it was because I had such a vivid imagination. My mind was skilled and morbidly demented enough to envision all the worst things that could be lurking in the dark I guess. I would get out of bed and turn the light back on every time I awoke. I also sleep with me eyes partially open so dreams seem to fade into my immediate surroundings allowing the creatures of my mind to stalk me. Throughout my life I have always had shades or hooded entities torment my dreamworld, chasing me but never quite catching me. When these dreams became frequent I often didn’t sleep until the dawn’s first rays came through my bedroom window. But I haven’t had these dreams in months now. The dark doesn’t really affect me anymore, except the occasional eerie twinge that spontaneously creeps up at times. I just push it away and remember that nothing bad has ever happened in the darkness in my 32 years and all seems right in the world again.

For those that have read all my posts, you know that I live in my own fantasy world. I need escape from the mundane world. I always have an obsession that occupies my thoughts. I don’t find that to be unhealthy, except when I become totally enthralled and become excessively introverted, thus neglecting my family and waking life. My mind is always turning. I am always thinking. My life isn’t bad but I always need more in it. I am never sated with just living. I need something that is always right out of my grasp. I never feel whole. So a book, RPG game, poker, internal fantasy realm, art, crafts, and so on, helps to feed that void that can never truly be filled. I honestly think it is a symptom of our disorder. Our minds are wired differently and I think that we require those escapes to cope with our internal struggles against the dark-side of our illness that wants to depress and harm us. Yet we must remember to compromise and balance our time as to not negligent the ones we love, all the while navigating that inner crevasse that threatens to consume us.