Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Back from the Dead or Week in the Ward

I crashed hard from my weeks of mania. I found myself alone and full of self-loathing. I decided that I was more of a burden on my family alive than dead. I grabbed a notebook and on the back porch I began taking my Adivan one by one as I wrote through teary eyes, a suicide letter. I explained my endless love for my family and gave each a personal good bye and thoughts on my hopes for their future. I didn't remember much of what I wrote (read since) but I do recall falling and ripping out my daughter's section as I blacked out. My family came home and found me soon after.
I awoke in the psychiatric ward of a hospital and then a week of hell that still haunts near every thought currently. I am on some different meds that seem to be helping, although I am having some problems adjusting outside with odd thoughts and feelings. I have a court ordered therapist, because I guess I was very aggressive coming out of the overdose and drugged up. The police escorted me the two hrs to the ward in cuffs, but I don't remember any of it. I had a bad experience with my last counslor, but I think this will be for the best and I plan to keep going to a therapist, so I can get my self respect/self worth issue where it needs to be. Because I will hit the dark spot again no matter what meds I am on. That's just how the bipolar mind works. It just keeps running and ducking and darting as neurons change how and when they communicate. So this next time I need to be ready mentally to fight my selfish need to leave this world.
I am right back to being very manic. My wife and I are worried about another crash. I have been out for four days and I'm not sleeping well. Last night I did but I'm not sure if I was merely exhausted or the PM pill I added was enough to allow the Sandman in.) May wife took over my meds and she doles them to me like a little kid, but at least she doesn't ask to see in my mouth like at the ward!
I hope to post my experiences in the hospital before I forget them.

3 comments:

Jean Grey said...

I'm sorry about your experience. I did something similar many years ago. And under situations like that, they don't usually take you to the nicest hospital.

ashmc2 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ashmc2 said...

Thanks for the support Jean. The pity I felt for some patients was what I took away the most. And the insatiable need to go outside.