A Quickie

I went to my T-doc appointment on Tues. It was an all right session, although I felt laid bare when I left. It really sucks telling someone personal details about your life and your insecurities and ineptitudes. I think it is a little harder for guys than girls. I’m not saying that it doesn’t feel awkward for women; I’m just saying that it is a scientific fact that women are more emotional and talkative than are men. Men find it hard to show certain emotions and talk about how they feel, due to it being received by our sex as being feminine or unmanly. As we progress in our talks, she is delving into my childhood and my early and teen environment. I had a shitty life growing up and I don’t like blaming some of my negative traits on how I was treated and raised as a kid, although I think there is credence and validity in that assessment. I see my father in many of my acts as a man. I have always fought to break the cycle, and in most was I have or at least made alleviated them due to conscience effort.

Another thing that she thinks is that I have a very addictive personality. She thinks that I am currently addicted to gambling. She isn’t too worried about it because it doesn’t cause too many negative aspects in my life. They as in first my T-doc and now my T-doc, always ask the same questions by rote, if you are spending more money than you should and different questions about using your family’s funds to support your habit. They both were very skeptical of my statements to the fact that I never us any of the family’s money whatsoever and that my earnings often supplement our income, especially since my wife’s income has been gone due to a work related injury. Both times I had to totally explain my whole system of poker bankroll money management. Of course I don’t mind telling this, because at both times I was enthralled with cards, and was just happy for the opportunity to talk about my obsession. I will say that on several occasions in the last few years’ poker has obsessed me to the point that I have become totally engrossed with it and it consumed me full-time. (Every waking hr.) I neglect my family, my health, my studies, and my life. Sadly it takes my wife to step in before I realize just how deep I have delved. This also happens with other things, IE, video gaming, especially RPG’s, and every other thing under the son at one time or the other. I have tried very hard to change this negative characteristic about myself lately. I try to play at night when my wife is going to bed or at least close to heading to dreamland. The kids and I stay up to the wee hrs of the morning watching Adultswim (Cartoon Network) together. I play cards and watch at the same time. This week on my days’ off here was my daily schedule: Get up at 4pm or so, get ready and go to for soccer games until 7:30pm or so, eat and spent time with Ash-wife and kids until 10 or 11, at that point play cards until between 4-6am and then go to sleep, and start it all again. My wife and kids sleep in every morning due to summer and late nights with dad, and then visit her parents on a daily basis, so while I’m sleeping they aren’t home much of that time anyway. That is my routine so you can see I am putting in some major hrs at the virtual poker tables. Although I admit that it is currently in control of my life, as I have played at some point every single day in the last 2 months, I think I am handling it well. The one thing I don’t like is that I find it consuming my thoughts quite often.

I think I am manic at the moment due to the excessive poker thoughts and finding a reason to talk about it to anyone that will listen. Often I think some of these people are merely being polite and really want me to shut the hell up.

I have found myself getting cranky more often. Sometimes noises are hurting me. They are tearing at my gray-matter. I need to get a handle on this before it gets worse. I think it is partially due to my manic mind.

I now weigh 195lbs. I am happy about this. My wife thinks I am being a little obsessed because I don’t often cheat and eat an extra portion or unhealthy treats. I think maybe he is right, but I eat sometimes at night while playing online poker, therefore she doesn’t see me eating as much while she is awake.