I"m Shit With Money and I Hope I Get Manic Over Rocksmith

Amazon just shipped my latest want/need list item. My wife will likely snap when all my other shopping cart items start showing up in the mail. I thought guys weren't supposed to be shoppers? Honestly how can impulsive/excessive shopping be a real symptom of bipolar, people would ask. I can tell you that it always has been I real problem in my life. My wife has to step in and ask me to calm down or stop spending quite often. I hate to say it, but my wife was appointed my payee by my Psychiatrist. I can't even legally cash my own fucking checks. I am so ashamed. I truly am shit. And just to prove that fact will be 2 weeks of packages showing up on the doorstep to which my wife will likely have to give me "the talk".

Off the top of my head, I ordered:

• Rocksmith (I want to learn guitar + videogame media = mania sandwich with positive benefit)

• 3 different colors of paracord. (survival item, bracelets and whatnot)

• 4 piece firesteel set. (surv item, impulse buy pictured on paracord page)

• 5 piece mini LED keyrings. (surv item, impulse buy pictured on firesteel page)

• Dororo 2 (I think, I hope) dvd (current Samurai/Japanese film obsession)

• Dororo dvd (How can you buy part 2 but not own the original? Thus throw it in the shopping cart!) Now on my shortlist of absolute favorite films. It is English subtitled and although I normally hate reading while watching a movie, this film was worth it. This movie is a masterpiece, compressing multiple genres and classic storylines, and weaving them into an original deeply beautiful fantasy. If you haven't watched it I think most people would love the story even if they aren't into Japanese culture per se. It's on Netflix and I know Amazon has it. lol.

I can't think right now, but I think I ordered 1 or 2 other things.

I did delete the Elton John and Queen double disc Greatest Hits Albums from my order. That was $40 I could see not a adding to my Ipod at the moment or explaining.

I hate losing my right to control my own finances, but I understand. I'll be 37 years old next week and I have to be treated like a baby. I do feel emasculated, less than a man, less than a husband, less than human. But, I am sick and would likely be a penniless hoader, chin-deep in junk, without my loving wife's support.

She often can't take me to the store and walmart is safely an hour away from my magnetic manic fingers. You ever notice when you're shopping, those random items that are just stuffed on the wrong shelf in the totally wrong department. That is my wife sneaking my stuff surreptitiously out of the cart while I'm off on another impromptu cool stuff search. I feel high when I'm in Walmart. I mean who doesn't love movies. And these drug dealers put a thousand dvds priced for $5 in gargantuan tubs all around the store so everyone can get their fix sorting throw mostly junk B-movies. When people start vying for room at the dvd trough and knocking over my shitty pile of zombie cult classics, I just want to jump right in the middle of the box, and play king of the hill of dvds, and bask in their emotions and expressions. I could do this; I'm crazy. I'll tell the cops that it was a social experiment. But in stead I'll get like a box of lego or a lego fantasy d&d-like board game that should have been around before I lost the important part of my imagination. I get it home and the only thing touching it is dust. By proxy I am touching it due to the dust's make-up, which is kind of a gross natural process.

To be honest, I say that a lot, when it comes to mail order, I don't know what I love more, receiving the package or opening the box to get my stuff. Weird really. To add to the mystique, when you buy multiple items, you not only get the rush of mail and your stuff, but also what exact thing that you ordered is in the package that day.

I really should start titling my posts at the end of typing in stead of before my rambling neurons tale their tales.

I doubt she will bitch at me too much because, Hey, It's My Birthday!! Damn, I'm a manipulative bastard. Judge me harshly, I deserve no better.

I Understand Why Many Cultures Believed the Sun was a God

Since Christmas I went outside only 10 to 15 times. It was a bad winter for me although it was an incredibly short winter for my area. We don't open our curtains in the winter, which isn't really psychologically healthy I'm guessing. But Friday the kids came home from school and said it was beautiful outside. I opened the back door and the snow was gone. There is still snow banks where plows have made mounds, but everything else is clean. Not really green out yet, but spring is here. I wanted to do so many things. I have a long spring to-do-list and research/survival projects. I walked around the backyard for a minute, but knew I had to finish film editing or I would start focusing on Spring/outside.

Today, Saturday, my wife, daughter and I drove out to our favorite cross-country trails and took a walk with the dogs. For our Husky Meeka, it was her first time ever in the woods. It was 67 degrees and the warmth and light were so powerful, I just felt imbued with energy and life. Like the weary doldrums and icy grip of winter has lost its depressive weighty cloak that seems to darken my life each year. I think I should buy a UV light and sit under it like a lizard next year. (I say that every year) I understand Sun worship. I'm going outside tomorrow for sure! When everything is green I will really shake this cabinfever.

A few clips of my goofy dogs from today's first walk of the spring. It's not green yet, but you can see the ground.

Updares <-- Updates = Fat Fingers and Randomness

Let's play Thought Fact Bullshit.

Thought: Everyone needs an Alzheimer's list IMO. Write down absolute favorite things, i.e. books, movies, music, tv series, etc.

Fact: I haven't played Skyrim this week, and I honestly feel like I am neglecting a chore.

Bullshit: I tell my Psychiatrist everything, thus end up with the correct meds and make my existence the best possible.

Thought: My wife and I think possibly I repress memories as a defence mechanism to protect me from myself.

Fact: I have heard voices a few times in my life and I was equally ashamed and scared.

Bullshit: I hate the parents that abused me as a child. 

Fact: The above was all spontaneous and had nothing to do with the updates or randomness.

I am just taking a quick break to post a few thoughts. I am editing my son's football footage, because his coach is a D-bag. I am stressed out. I actually had the heart pangs of acute anxiety attacks multiple times over past few days reading and writing e-mails. E-mails!! I am sadly, yet obviously, the intermediary in Beelzebub's love triangle between me, D-bag football coach, and paid college recruiter. The recruiter gets with me to deal the coach because he doesn't comply with video highlight requirements. I've been dealing with his broken promises for over a year now. But it is a delicate situation where I have to be frank and forthright, but not piss him off enough be vindictive towards my son. At the moment he was supposed to turn in a game film to the recruiter but he didn't follow any of the guidelines so the recruiter asked me to get with the coach and get clip numbers. Instead I downloaded editing software and the footage. I have been learning the software on the go and having to also chop every play clip manually down to the second. Then I need to check on upload formats and how to do that. I'll figure it all out.

Ok. Quick randomness because I promised. I have always needed my escapes more than most I think. Fantasy and Sci-fi has always been there to hide from demons and demons. James Cameron films, and no not Titanic, have brought me much escape. But Avatar truly was an immersive masterpiece that has jumped up to one of my altime favorites. Two more Avatar films are to start hitting theartres in '14. I am really looking forward that as much as The Hobbit this Dec. But Cameron is actually putting his movies in jeopardy along with his own life with a "passion" or "goal". Just last week he set a record for deepest manned sub dive at 38,000 ft. All types of equipment broke on that dive due to extreme pressure. later this year he is attempting to dive the Marianas Trench again deeper. I honestly wish him the best, but I do have a little apprehension.

The Media's Negative Obsessive War With Bi-Polar Disorder Part 2: Charlie Sheen Example

Last year Charlie Sheen was being diagnosed with bipolar disorder on every TV network, often by anchor-persons, sports analysts, meteorologists, and any other goofball that likely never opened a intro to psych book. Even Dr Drew labelled him, without ever personally meeting him. He also said that Charlie was in a hypo-manic state and pleaded that someone intervene before he did something really bad. Maybe he is BP, but that can't be determined by an act or a 3 minute call on your cells. Blackberries are smart-phones, but damn, are they that smart?

Bipolar isn't an action.

Bipolar isn't a person.

Bipolar is a specific disorder with a multitude of characteristics and symptoms that can't off-handedly be stamped on people's foreheads on the evening news and by celebrity gossip smut peddlers. If it was that simple then I should be in essence and action like every other BP. I therefore should be a time-tested-successful-millionaire-actor with multiple pornstar groupies. If that is what bipolar means, sign me the hell up! A little over the top there maybe. But to be honest Charlie Sheen has been in the limelight his entire life due to his father and then more on his own starting in the 80's. Therefore there is a large database documenting his personal and emotional background and he has really filled the file. But if it isn't official, no one ethically should blatantly state it as fact.

In summation of this rant, I'd like to reiterate that the media doesn't have to fact-check anymore. They have paid subject experts that spew WOW-factor bullshit for ratings. The bought experts speak eloquently, in formal tones, in a way ambiguous enough to not get sewed when saying slanderous, erroneous, unfounded, unresearched, or down-right lies, because they were only implied and not stated as fact.

And if bipolar was merely some uncontrollable, hedonistic, violent, hate machine, I wouldn't be writing this, I'd be on my way to TMZ Studios to kick in the door to say "Here's Johnny!" or better yet, "I'm a lawyer!"

To be continued...

Duality of Facebook Photo of the Day

Although it has duel meanings, (maybe more with the bottle) i'm sure a deep depressive episode didn't get much thought. But, who am I to shit on a free e-card, on a free social network site, that changed my personal page to a timeline? Nobody, that's who. Lol. But, I honestly found it funny and even [LIKED] it. I love satire. If I couldn't laugh at negativity, I'd sleep nonstop like the goofball in the picture. I merely thought it odd that only certain people would find correlation.

Overdose Poem

Candid glimpse at a dark day in my life. In no way am I trying to glorify attempting to take my life, as my muse or to romanticise the selfish act or for inspiring me the fodder for poetry. What I am showing you is, what I wrote that day, in a gelatinous state of delirium as my neurons frantically fired to keep my respiratory system from shutting down. Overdose and suicide are bad words in most circles, but it happens, and I figured it shouldn't be too taboo of a topic on a bipolar blog. I will at some point fill in a missing piece or two about the 4 years absent from my sidebar, but not tonight. I could barely see and my writing was sloppier than my usual scrawl. It was in 2 inks. This is what I wrote, punctuation and all. I only vaguely recall that day and I still don't know exactly what we meant to convey, yet I am content with all I can discern.

Have you seen the light?

It is the way for many

The theologians ask have you seen the light*

Meet a wayfarer in the darkest cave system. Have you seen the light, heard out.

Dead, to call one back, have you seen the light

Our " The/Our?" "cusstain?" once and without it we are lost

Have you seen the light, the real light.

Theologians have you seen the light?

The spelunker wandering asks where the light may be.

Dead, the body finds dirt in his face and the light has forsaken him.

Mental HEALTH Discrimination or Advanced Delusionary Schizophrenia With Involuntary Narcissistic Rage

They like to say mental health to imply vitality and positivity, but no, let's be clear, it's mental "illness". Mental "health" is just psychology's modern, politically correct, euphemism meant to manipulate society into using a positive term/label to unknowingly bring about humanization and faux acceptance, i.e. special, gifted children, handicapable, and my personal happier label, bipolar. That rephrasing really helped break the cycle of the negative stygma surrounding the term manic-depression. They just made the term shorter so the media can really get the ever-popular, socal-pariah/might-snap-at-any-second/murder-suicidEE inflections just right when saying "BipolAR"!!

Honestly, if mental health was so healthy or viewed positively, a larger percentage of the mentally ill wouln't have to hide their health from family and friends and fake Facebook friends that only need you to get the cool tractor in Farmville.

What's your damn point you say? Relax, we are only 300 words in! It is currently acceptable morally, ethically, and finacially, to differentiate between mental and pysical healh to treat, compensate, cover, etc.

Blue Cross Blue Shield, likely the top "health" insurance provider, pays different percentage amounts under the same policy for the same premium. I had coverage at 80% paid Heath coverage, yet under same policy I was only cover 50% for Psychiatric appointmts, only $20 per therapy session, and a low per year cap. And that was 2 years ago, but when I was diagnosed in '05 the divisions were even larger in contrast.

Standard Insurance is/soon to be, was, my short-term/long-term disability supplier. Under their policy a physical disability exists as long as you are physically disabled, but mental illness has a timelimit no matter if your Dr and Government consider you disabled. Typical. Insurance companies are organized crime syndicates. A rep called me and left a voicemail and he said, (I'm paraphrasing but in no way changing intent) we understand bipolar disorder but we are wondering if you have any physical issue limiting your ability to find employment, and we would need these Drs' info if that be the case. I then received a letter stating that they are closing my case in June because their policy doesn't cover mental and medical disability for the same time period.

I don't really know what to do. It all just makes me think of the disorder that Jim Carrey's character Hank had in Me, Myself, and Irene: Advanced Delusionary Schizophrenia With Involuntary Narcissistic Rage. Is that fuckin' physical enough fuckface? Or do we need to get more physical than that punk? Sorry, that was the Hank persona. And still good ol' rational Ash. Physical? Really! How about my brain, which is made up of matter, (Real Actual, Factual, PHYSICAL matter - opposite of the empty amoral skulls of the cold, dead ethics of your policy lawyers. ) doesn't work like a normal healthy human's. How about this for a physical impairment limiting my ability to procure gainful employment. Neurons communicate by sending and receiving electrical and chemical signals/stimuli via neurotransmitters communicating at a synapse point between those two neurons. That was a healthy example of how neurons control who and what we are to a certain extent as their healthy communication is responsible for thoughts, feelings, emotions, the Centrol Nevious System. Neurons are actually the lagest structures in the human body. They are made up of pysical material called neural cells and make up the CNS which control everything, including emotions, depression, rage, mania, sleep normalcy, obsessions, creativity, impetuousness spontaneity, lust, concentration, apathy, sympathy, empathy, grandiosity, fleeting thoughts, anxiety, conspiracy theories including co workers collusion, delusions, voices in head, addictive tenadencies, OCD like obsessing, emotional immaturity. There a thousands of these clogged neurons misfiring every second in the bipolar brain. These non-communicating neurotransmitters can't pass on this information at correct ratios and/or they build up mass amounts of process chemicals. Both of those aforementioned physical malfunctioning bipolar neurotransmitters manifest physically some or many of the bipolar characteristics as we try to function in a world that considers us scary and disenfranchises us with unfounded stereotypes. Meds can help by releasing or blocking these chemical and informantion, yet nothing is a cure-all and there is always relapse.



Quick analogy of an example of Physically Unhealthy communication between 2 malfuncting/non-reciprocating neurotransmitters: Our hands (neurotransmitters) coming together to meet palms in the middle (synapse) to recipricate normal healthy physical communication (neurotransmission).

My hand: opened, is prepared to give and receive stimuli, which is normal.

Your hand: closed, unprepared to give and receive stimuli, which is "not" normal.

Stimuli: goodfaith coverage. In other words, open your scroogesque, unethical corporate hand and give me my damn money!

I think I will call and get a copy of the policy from Standard. I feel like writing my Congressman and Governor about toleration and blindeye this Country has towards mental illness.

INTERMISSION

I figuered I' d also use my blog to document dates for recall for myself and Dr about issues, stressors, meds, mania, depression, obsessions, feelings, fears, symptoms, etc.

Meds:

* Often I forget to take my morning meds. Sometimes for days. Sometimes I remember but don't feel like taking them. And when I am mentally off I'm not sure if is a problem with meds or me not taking them right.

Procrastination/anxiety/apathy:

* Sometimes I don't bathe for days.

* Often I don't change my clothes for days.

* I average going outside once every week and a half.

* I rarely answer my phone.

* my scraggly beard and hair is more a product of my lack of motivation and less of a statement of my crappy sense of style.

Obsessions:

* Skyrim - Manned some bigtime real hrs since Christmas. Like hundreds!

* Survival - reading, writing, researching, buying, preparing, testing, making videos.

* Bi-polar blogs - reading, writing, researching.

My brain fights to pick one of the three to maniacally digest its ifno until the next sleep.

I keep a pen and pad on me at most times and fill it with everything like new items to obsessions to research, diagrams for equipment or visual help for when I review the info and misc thoughts.

Very manic last week. I put a pen and pad in each hoodie hand pocket. They each had a subject and I paced the house and basement writing in both almost non-stop. I put on my IPod andt old the family to leave me be becaue I wasn't feeling well. I was getting my survival bag ready for a winter test. Next Afternoon I went in the woods with my dog and made a camp with a tarp, a garbage bag, and a small bedroll, in 2' of snow and 20-10*F weather.

Stressors:

*LTD called me and said that they are closing my case because their policy doesn't rate mental and medical disability the same. Under their policy a physical disability exists as long as you are physically disabled, but mental illness has a timelimit no matter if your Dr and government consider you disabied. Typical. Insurance companies are organized criminal syndicates.

Son's Football:

*Getting coach to do his job and lay off the empty promises.

*NCSA - so much to do.

*Football footage and audio viewing has been an obsession off an on.

I feel like a lazy, crazy, dirty, slob that would help my family more if I was gone.

The Media's Negative Obsessive War With Bi-Polar Disorder

I'm sick the media instantly and without records, knowledge, or justification sterotyping every violent or hanus crime or TMZ breakdown to be perpetrated by a bipolar person. Does anyone else notice this bigotry on talkshows, news broadcasts? (networks and locals.) Is anyone else getting frustrated of every crime, school shooting, or out of control celebrity being diagnosed on the spot, by news anchors and "expert contributors" paid for the network. This bi-polar talk is being broadcasted sometimes while the person isn't even in custody and without any prior knowledge of the personal mental or medical or psychatric history.

To start down the path of labeling crimes to mental disorders and illnesses is a dangerous game. I notice often in the media cases of sick multiple murders, where the talk is all about how crazy he is and that he is definitely BP. Then everyone is outraged when he pleads insanity. They want him on death row or life in prision. They don't want him merely confined to an asylum, so they change their tune and think he is faking it. It is on True TV daily. So that is why labels are dangerous for everyone. Because if we quantify particular crimes with particular mental health types then if a person is diagnosed with that mental illness,  the crime has no real consequences and therefore no justice for anyone.

Let's just throw out the labels and actually do some investigative reporting. Fact checking used to be a part of reporting, now the news says what it wants by sneaking in qualifiers like alledgedly, presumed, supposed, according to my sources, etc. With that slimy lawyer loophole you can slander anyone to a certain extent.

Drop the labels because some people are pieces of shit. They are dead inside. Psychopaths that are hedonistic vultures that prey on the weak. Some are evil, and if it feels good, that is all that concerns them. It makes them happy. They don't care about the victim or their families. And some criminals if brought up differently, would be police officers, guarding your stuff, not stealling it.

To be continued...