First of all – I’m OK, there is nothing wrong. Thank you for your concern though. I’ve been busy lately. Both of my children play soccer and we are on the run nonstop. Now it will calm down a little and only consume 3 days per week until it concludes in August. Of course that is when football starts and runs 5 days a week for practice and games on Saturday. Other than that I have gotten back into poker big time. I have to, OK maybe not have to, get 100 points a day and that takes from 1 ½ to 2 ½ hrs a day. I try to do this poker time while the family is sleeping most of the time. And finally bringing up last place for time consumption is my pysch courses. So as you can see I haven’t had a lot of time to spend online. I have even neglected to read any blogs lately. When I’m playing online poker I have 8 tables going at once, which requires me to make decisions every few seconds, which leaves no time for web surfing. I am on vacation again for 12 days.
The sad thing about my vacation is why I took it at this particular time. You see, I work that odd 4 on-4 off schedule so my days and nights at work progress forward 1 day a week. Well I absolutely hate day shift. That is when all the big wigs are at work and I have to deal with them all shift. But in my business and needing to do things with my production, which causes havoc more often than not. Plus I absolutely hate a few of my bosses. One because he is a bully type that has to stroke his own ego whenever possible, plus he thinks he is intelligent when his intellect is mediocre at best, and the other boss due to his utter lapse from reality. I’m telling you this guy breathes flowers and shits sunshine. He is quite educated, yet he believes the world should be perfect and when it isn’t he doesn’t get it. He thinks everyone should just want to do extra things like joining teams and extra work for the good of the company and not for monetary reasons. Employees should just put forth extra effort and be happy to give up their time. So he is basically ignorant and totally unrealistic in all of his opinions and goals. So he always comes up with these projects that I then have to go back to my people and try to gain support by way of his brainless propaganda. Everything is to make him look good in the eyes of his superiors. So when he starts one of his rants you better have your sun-screen with you because he is about to pump sunshine up your ass. He is basically a cardboard cutout with an ever-present faux smile on his fake façade. So back to the main point of this short story of a paragraph: I took a vacation solely to avoid my job. Also the most stressful day during the week on dayshift is down day, which occurs on Thursdays. The mill is shut down and maintance is performed on countless mechanical and electrical items. I am then in charge of over 50 people and have to keep them on a tight schedule. At times I have to be a stern taskmaster, is uncharacteristic for my demeanor. I’m not a soft leader, but I’m not an unquestionable dictator. I govern through the old adage of treating people the way you want to be treated. I show respect and thus I’m respected and given great loyalty from my close-knit crew. Not to say that I never snap; I don’t think any bipolar individual could proclaim that. But with this extended group I have to regulate with a stronger arm sometimes although I show respect. So this day is the most difficult day of my job. It always seems to go wrong; nothing ever starts up smoothly. This day only happens, due to my schedule, once a month or so. To remedy this stressful time comprising of Down Day and working on days for my entire 4 days on I took a vacation. I guess that is what a vacation is for really: to relax and relieve stress. But I feel weak for this maneuver.
I should have plenty of time for blog-life and extra studiousness very soon. My division of the corporation is feeling some hard times due to the anemic housing market. The 3 plants making our product are taking some downtime for product curtailment. Starting in July we are taking 2 weeks down. We will then produce our exterior siding for a month and then shut down the mill for another 2 weeks. We will continue on this schedule for the remainder of the year. For most employees this means 2 weeks every month and a half for 6 months. Only salary employees will remain during the down weeks. I am luckily one of the few. There are 125 employees at my workplace and less than 20 are salary. So all my whining about not getting overtime or paid for my extra time during Smoke School week has its counter balance. I will continue with my regular wage which is sorely needed since my wife has been off of work for a year now with an injury. That is a solace that I am grateful for. I sure hope work doesn’t go under, that would be a life altering situation, just as if I lost my temper again in a manic rage and lost my job. The good side is that I will be left to my own vices for the down times, unless my dick of a boss tries to make me a laborer on occasion. On nights I would be alone in the large facility, but they put another department head with me for safety reasons. He will likely live in his office as will I, which will give me unadulterated time to myself.
On the mental front I am still feeling that sense of normalcy for the most part. Though I am habitually playing and thinking poker, poker, poker. Maybe I am not manic; maybe it’s just my addictive tendencies. I do think maybe I am a little manic though. If I don’t take my Seroquel I don’t get tired, I just continue to click that mouse while playing a plethora of tables at once. Also I both 2 jerseys off of Ebay totaling $100 with my favorite pro poker player’s name on them. I also bought a huge box of cards with 26 packs in them. They are expensive all-plastic casino quality cards and I got a great deal on them. But that seems a little obsessive now that I have bought them. I will never have to buy another deck of cards in a few decades. I am not overly emotional. I get irrated less often. Normal people get agitated and they aren’t considered different, so maybe I getting a little pissed here and there is normal too. While I guess I will end this extended entry with a weight update. 2 weeks of silence and now a novel. For those of you that haven’t given up on me - I thank you and have missed your thoughts and blogs. A week ago on Saturday I had broken the 200 threshold weighing-in at 197lbs. But I’m guessing I’m currently sitting at 202 or so. I have been a little naughty this week. See you soon.
Later, Ash out…
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Weight and an Update
I didn’t lose any weight this week. A little solace is that I didn’t gain any either.
Another good week. I almost feel like I’m normal. I don’t feel BP. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I hope it keeps up. Summer is almost here people, so likely we will all feel that solar happiness. Later guys.
Another good week. I almost feel like I’m normal. I don’t feel BP. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I hope it keeps up. Summer is almost here people, so likely we will all feel that solar happiness. Later guys.
Cool Story
Excerpt: Second Person, Present Tense – Daryl Gregory
When I want to freak out, “I” think about “me” thinking about having an “I.” The only thing stupider than puppets talking to puppets is a puppet talking to itself.
Dr. S says that nobody knows what the mind is, or how the brain generates it, and nobody really knows about consciousness. We talked almost every day that I was in the hospital, and after he saw that I was interested in this stuff – how could I not be? – he gave me books and we talked about brains and how they cook up thoughts and make decisions.
“How do I explain this?” he always starts. And then he tries out the metaphors that he’s working on for his book. My favorite the Parliament, the Page, and the Queen.
“The brain isn’t one thing of course,” he told me. “It’s millions of firing cells, and those resolve into hundreds of active sites, and so it is with the mind. There are dozens of nodes in the mind, each one trying to out shout the others. For any decision, the erupts with noise, and that triggers…how do I explain this…Have you ever seen the British Parliament on C-SPAN?” Of course I had: in a hospital, TV is a constant companion. “These members of the mind’s Parliament, they’re all shouting in chemicals and electric charges, until enough of the voices are shouting in unison. Ding! That’s a ‘thought,’ a ‘decision.’ The Parliament immediately sends a signal to the body to act on that decision, and at the same time it tells the Page to take the news- “
“Wait who’s the Page?”
Dr. S explains that the Page isn’t one thing, but a cascade of neural events in the temporal area of the limbic system that meshes the neural map of the new thought with the existing neural map – but by then I know that “neural map” is just another metaphor for another deeply complex thing or process, and that I’ll never get to the bottom of this. Dr. S said not to worry about it, that nobody gets to the bottom of it. “The Page takes the news of the decision to the Queen.”
“All right then, who’s the Queen? Conscience?”
“Exactly right! The self itself.”
“The Page,” he said, “delivers its message to Her Majesty, telling what the Parliament has decided. The Queen doesn’t need to know about all the arguments that went on, all the other possibilities that were thrown out. She simply needs to know what to announce to her subjects. The Queen tells the parts to act on the decision.”
“Wait I thought the Parliament had already sent out the signal. You said before that you can see the brain warming up before the self even knows about it.”
“That’s the joke. The Queen announces the decision, and she thinks that her subjects are obeying her commands, but in reality, they have already been told what to do. They’re already reaching for their glasses of water.”
Read the last three paragraphs closely and tell me that isn’t impulse anger and BP outbursts summed up and neatly and succinctly put.
Later, Ash out…
When I want to freak out, “I” think about “me” thinking about having an “I.” The only thing stupider than puppets talking to puppets is a puppet talking to itself.
Dr. S says that nobody knows what the mind is, or how the brain generates it, and nobody really knows about consciousness. We talked almost every day that I was in the hospital, and after he saw that I was interested in this stuff – how could I not be? – he gave me books and we talked about brains and how they cook up thoughts and make decisions.
“How do I explain this?” he always starts. And then he tries out the metaphors that he’s working on for his book. My favorite the Parliament, the Page, and the Queen.
“The brain isn’t one thing of course,” he told me. “It’s millions of firing cells, and those resolve into hundreds of active sites, and so it is with the mind. There are dozens of nodes in the mind, each one trying to out shout the others. For any decision, the erupts with noise, and that triggers…how do I explain this…Have you ever seen the British Parliament on C-SPAN?” Of course I had: in a hospital, TV is a constant companion. “These members of the mind’s Parliament, they’re all shouting in chemicals and electric charges, until enough of the voices are shouting in unison. Ding! That’s a ‘thought,’ a ‘decision.’ The Parliament immediately sends a signal to the body to act on that decision, and at the same time it tells the Page to take the news- “
“Wait who’s the Page?”
Dr. S explains that the Page isn’t one thing, but a cascade of neural events in the temporal area of the limbic system that meshes the neural map of the new thought with the existing neural map – but by then I know that “neural map” is just another metaphor for another deeply complex thing or process, and that I’ll never get to the bottom of this. Dr. S said not to worry about it, that nobody gets to the bottom of it. “The Page takes the news of the decision to the Queen.”
“All right then, who’s the Queen? Conscience?”
“Exactly right! The self itself.”
“The Page,” he said, “delivers its message to Her Majesty, telling what the Parliament has decided. The Queen doesn’t need to know about all the arguments that went on, all the other possibilities that were thrown out. She simply needs to know what to announce to her subjects. The Queen tells the parts to act on the decision.”
“Wait I thought the Parliament had already sent out the signal. You said before that you can see the brain warming up before the self even knows about it.”
“That’s the joke. The Queen announces the decision, and she thinks that her subjects are obeying her commands, but in reality, they have already been told what to do. They’re already reaching for their glasses of water.”
Read the last three paragraphs closely and tell me that isn’t impulse anger and BP outbursts summed up and neatly and succinctly put.
Later, Ash out…
Monday, May 28, 2007
A Week's Worth of This and That
I have been in a weird place this week. I don’t really know how to describe it. I just am. I’m not depressed and I’m not overtly happy. I just am. I actually feel normal at the moment. I do kind of feel mania in the back corners of my mind wanting to be released.
I have been neglectful in my med maintenance; I let my Lamictal run out and didn’t get it filled for a few days. I just got in back yesterday and already I have forgotten to take it once. I took my morning dose and forgot to take my night dose. I don’t know what this is all about, but I need to remedy it before it becomes a habit.
I haven’t listened to the stress relief CD’s yet. I burned myself copies yet haven’t taken the time to listen to them. I have to go see my P-doc on Weds and I will have to admit this or lie; I haven’t quite decided which to do yet. I lost my appointment card so I will have to call for the time. Thurs I have my T-doc appointment. I’m guessing he will totally remove me from the Risperdal. That will leave me with Lamictal and Seroquel. I can live with that. Now that I think about it, since the reduction of Risperdal I have been feeling normalcy to a certain extent. Likely just a coincident. I’m pretty sure of it.
I feel poker wanting to comeback into the picture fiercely. It really makes no sense to me. All winter while it was shitty out and playing countless hrs of online poker would seem a typical escape I didn’t have the urge whatsoever – or barely anyways. Yet now when it is beautiful outside and I should be out frolicking in the wildflowers I feel the twinge of gambling entering my thoughts more and more. I have just this past week put in more time at it than in the month prior. Luckily I have always used bankroll management and have none of our money online; I play with profits, having long-since taken my seed money off the internet. In don’t mind really that I will be playing more soon, it’s just that it seems to have arrived at the wrong time of the year. I will try to manage my time during this foray into my poker realm and spent most normal hrs with my family and not neglect them for the sweet shimmer of the computer screen. I will not get back into that mode where I am in my own little world although it is calling stronger day by day. At least this time I know what’s happening and won’t let it take total control.
I am ashamed to say that I have possibly neglected my health. I had a 6 month check-up slip come in the mail months ago. And I do mean months ago. I was put on meds due to high cholesterol. Due to my BP meds and the horrible over-eating that ensued. But the BP meds and the cholesterol possible could hard my liver. So I was supposed to wait like 6 to 8 weeks and get my liver function checked just to be safe. I am embarrassed to say that I am afraid to needles. I hate giving blood. It is a real phobia for me. I don’t know why I am so fearful of a fucking little poke, but sadly that is the case. I have a panic attack every time, but I deal with it long enough for them to draw blood. They often ask if I will be alright. I dread it so bad that I didn’t get my liver function checked of my cholesterol. The last time that I gave blood they gave me a young check likely still training and she poked me 3 times and dug around in my arm for a few excruciating minutes. But this week I am going to make that appointment and get my bloodwork done. It is truly irrational, I know, but for some reason I have this fear. When I was a child the uncle that I lived with for a while always stated that he was afraid of needles. I wonder if something as simple as your elder expressing fear could evolve subconsciously into a phobia for a youngster. I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’m going to schedule bloodwork and a Dr’s appointment this week. Pray for me LOL. I'm such a puss.
I lost another 3lbs this last week. I now weigh-in at 202lbs. That’s 14lbs in month 1. I am pretty happy with that. 3 more pounds and I will be in the 100’s. That shows me that my eating habits were horrid. I haven’t exercised yet. That means that I was merely over-eating. I’m not obsessing and eating healthy either. I am just pushing the plate away with a little caloric goodness still sitting unconsumed on it. I have been taking healthier snacks to work more often than not though: yogurt and fruit. I still buy my beloved pretzels on occasion. So really I have just calmed down my consumption. That is good enough for me for right now. I am proud.
I have been neglectful in my med maintenance; I let my Lamictal run out and didn’t get it filled for a few days. I just got in back yesterday and already I have forgotten to take it once. I took my morning dose and forgot to take my night dose. I don’t know what this is all about, but I need to remedy it before it becomes a habit.
I haven’t listened to the stress relief CD’s yet. I burned myself copies yet haven’t taken the time to listen to them. I have to go see my P-doc on Weds and I will have to admit this or lie; I haven’t quite decided which to do yet. I lost my appointment card so I will have to call for the time. Thurs I have my T-doc appointment. I’m guessing he will totally remove me from the Risperdal. That will leave me with Lamictal and Seroquel. I can live with that. Now that I think about it, since the reduction of Risperdal I have been feeling normalcy to a certain extent. Likely just a coincident. I’m pretty sure of it.
I feel poker wanting to comeback into the picture fiercely. It really makes no sense to me. All winter while it was shitty out and playing countless hrs of online poker would seem a typical escape I didn’t have the urge whatsoever – or barely anyways. Yet now when it is beautiful outside and I should be out frolicking in the wildflowers I feel the twinge of gambling entering my thoughts more and more. I have just this past week put in more time at it than in the month prior. Luckily I have always used bankroll management and have none of our money online; I play with profits, having long-since taken my seed money off the internet. In don’t mind really that I will be playing more soon, it’s just that it seems to have arrived at the wrong time of the year. I will try to manage my time during this foray into my poker realm and spent most normal hrs with my family and not neglect them for the sweet shimmer of the computer screen. I will not get back into that mode where I am in my own little world although it is calling stronger day by day. At least this time I know what’s happening and won’t let it take total control.
I am ashamed to say that I have possibly neglected my health. I had a 6 month check-up slip come in the mail months ago. And I do mean months ago. I was put on meds due to high cholesterol. Due to my BP meds and the horrible over-eating that ensued. But the BP meds and the cholesterol possible could hard my liver. So I was supposed to wait like 6 to 8 weeks and get my liver function checked just to be safe. I am embarrassed to say that I am afraid to needles. I hate giving blood. It is a real phobia for me. I don’t know why I am so fearful of a fucking little poke, but sadly that is the case. I have a panic attack every time, but I deal with it long enough for them to draw blood. They often ask if I will be alright. I dread it so bad that I didn’t get my liver function checked of my cholesterol. The last time that I gave blood they gave me a young check likely still training and she poked me 3 times and dug around in my arm for a few excruciating minutes. But this week I am going to make that appointment and get my bloodwork done. It is truly irrational, I know, but for some reason I have this fear. When I was a child the uncle that I lived with for a while always stated that he was afraid of needles. I wonder if something as simple as your elder expressing fear could evolve subconsciously into a phobia for a youngster. I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’m going to schedule bloodwork and a Dr’s appointment this week. Pray for me LOL. I'm such a puss.
I lost another 3lbs this last week. I now weigh-in at 202lbs. That’s 14lbs in month 1. I am pretty happy with that. 3 more pounds and I will be in the 100’s. That shows me that my eating habits were horrid. I haven’t exercised yet. That means that I was merely over-eating. I’m not obsessing and eating healthy either. I am just pushing the plate away with a little caloric goodness still sitting unconsumed on it. I have been taking healthier snacks to work more often than not though: yogurt and fruit. I still buy my beloved pretzels on occasion. So really I have just calmed down my consumption. That is good enough for me for right now. I am proud.
Monday, May 21, 2007
MEDITATION
I did read some of that book that she gave me last visit. I tried one of the meditation exercises. I thought that it wouldn’t affect me. My super intellect…right? Don’t try to get in my head…the walls are high with battlements and crenulations…plus you wouldn’t like what you’d find. I read it first before trying. It wasn’t hard to remember. You started with your toes and feet and worked your way up your body as you focused on releasing stress and tension. I was truly skeptical. I then read the sun meditation exercise, where you are walking on an imaginary sandy beach. You go through the same imagery basically as the muscle relaxation technique except that you start up top and work your way down. And instead of merely releasing tension and stress you are focusing warm rays of sunshine massaging each body part as the tension melts away. After reading it I decided to give it a try. I was at work and couldn’t be totally at peace. I also had my door open so someone might walk by and think I was trying to sleep, which is what happened once, but hey I’m the boss. It was just a short interruption though. I started with the muscle relaxation and slowly worked my way upward. My feet had a lot of tension. I could feel them even as I worked my way to the thighs. At some point my feet were relaxed and my mind didn’t focus there any longer. As I moved up focusing on each part the body parts a few steps back were no longer there in the same way any longer. They were deadened in a way. I completed it all with only a little trouble. The neck and shoulders were a bitch. I then delved right into the sun exercise. When I was all done and opened my eyes I was super calm. I was in a daze, feeling a bit disoriented. It was pretty cool. I got a lot out of it, but we are talking probably 20 mins or so with my eyes closed. I put this book on my Amazon wish list so when I get the urge I can purchase it.
This visit she gave me a stress relief CD that she wants me to give a few listens to over the next couple of weeks. I burned them so I can have them. I figured that people that used mediation and yoga and Buddhism philosophy and shit like that did get something out of it. The mind is a powerful thing. I just didn’t think I was able to follow it. Strong mind you see. Actually it seems that it takes a strong mind to accomplish this inner peace that they feel. I still see myself with much bravado and machismo so it is hard to let go. I bet no one found enlightenment without working towards it. Hopefully I can be one of those legs crossed happy nerds.
This visit she gave me a stress relief CD that she wants me to give a few listens to over the next couple of weeks. I burned them so I can have them. I figured that people that used mediation and yoga and Buddhism philosophy and shit like that did get something out of it. The mind is a powerful thing. I just didn’t think I was able to follow it. Strong mind you see. Actually it seems that it takes a strong mind to accomplish this inner peace that they feel. I still see myself with much bravado and machismo so it is hard to let go. I bet no one found enlightenment without working towards it. Hopefully I can be one of those legs crossed happy nerds.
Unbridled
Introversion is an opaque window
A two-sided mirror that beckons
I see my childhood
My insecurities must remain secure
Dread a strong emotion
Often his power is underestimated
Misconstrued in myself
Self yet sustains me
My past defies me
I turn to stone
Your eyes upon me
Needless hate
I deserve better
I bloom without you
I defy all before me
I am evil look-see
Genes don’t buy love
Flesh of flesh
I need no one
I am my maker
Adore me now
Dead to my hand
I now live free
Powerful in my efficacy
Move on
You block my path
I need not
You need now
No
My flame autonomous
Tow my line
Mastered your game
I live on
Needless
One
A two-sided mirror that beckons
I see my childhood
My insecurities must remain secure
Dread a strong emotion
Often his power is underestimated
Misconstrued in myself
Self yet sustains me
My past defies me
I turn to stone
Your eyes upon me
Needless hate
I deserve better
I bloom without you
I defy all before me
I am evil look-see
Genes don’t buy love
Flesh of flesh
I need no one
I am my maker
Adore me now
Dead to my hand
I now live free
Powerful in my efficacy
Move on
You block my path
I need not
You need now
No
My flame autonomous
Tow my line
Mastered your game
I live on
Needless
One
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Week 3
Pay no attention to the shaved man-junk!
I lost 2lbs this week. That is 11 total. 6lbs more and I will be under $200lbs. The only thing that sucks is that each week I have lost less and less. Hopefully this trend stops or it won’t be long before I start gaining weight. I haven’t exercised yet so I have to be happy for the weight loss. At some point I will have to exercise to continue to loss weight is my guess. All I am doing is eating less. I have stopped stuffing my gullet at every meal. I have begun to eat fruit and veggies throughout the day. I still snack a little at bedtime. I usually eat pretzels. Not the greatest for me, but at least I’m not heading to the fridge anymore and making a meal. If I could stop eating at bedtime that would be best, but I’m not there yet. Seroquel still has its insidious grasp about my throat. Overall…I’m happy with my progress.
Later, Ash out…
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