I have been in a weird place this week. I don’t really know how to describe it. I just am. I’m not depressed and I’m not overtly happy. I just am. I actually feel normal at the moment. I do kind of feel mania in the back corners of my mind wanting to be released.
I have been neglectful in my med maintenance; I let my Lamictal run out and didn’t get it filled for a few days. I just got in back yesterday and already I have forgotten to take it once. I took my morning dose and forgot to take my night dose. I don’t know what this is all about, but I need to remedy it before it becomes a habit.
I haven’t listened to the stress relief CD’s yet. I burned myself copies yet haven’t taken the time to listen to them. I have to go see my P-doc on Weds and I will have to admit this or lie; I haven’t quite decided which to do yet. I lost my appointment card so I will have to call for the time. Thurs I have my T-doc appointment. I’m guessing he will totally remove me from the Risperdal. That will leave me with Lamictal and Seroquel. I can live with that. Now that I think about it, since the reduction of Risperdal I have been feeling normalcy to a certain extent. Likely just a coincident. I’m pretty sure of it.
I feel poker wanting to comeback into the picture fiercely. It really makes no sense to me. All winter while it was shitty out and playing countless hrs of online poker would seem a typical escape I didn’t have the urge whatsoever – or barely anyways. Yet now when it is beautiful outside and I should be out frolicking in the wildflowers I feel the twinge of gambling entering my thoughts more and more. I have just this past week put in more time at it than in the month prior. Luckily I have always used bankroll management and have none of our money online; I play with profits, having long-since taken my seed money off the internet. In don’t mind really that I will be playing more soon, it’s just that it seems to have arrived at the wrong time of the year. I will try to manage my time during this foray into my poker realm and spent most normal hrs with my family and not neglect them for the sweet shimmer of the computer screen. I will not get back into that mode where I am in my own little world although it is calling stronger day by day. At least this time I know what’s happening and won’t let it take total control.
I am ashamed to say that I have possibly neglected my health. I had a 6 month check-up slip come in the mail months ago. And I do mean months ago. I was put on meds due to high cholesterol. Due to my BP meds and the horrible over-eating that ensued. But the BP meds and the cholesterol possible could hard my liver. So I was supposed to wait like 6 to 8 weeks and get my liver function checked just to be safe. I am embarrassed to say that I am afraid to needles. I hate giving blood. It is a real phobia for me. I don’t know why I am so fearful of a fucking little poke, but sadly that is the case. I have a panic attack every time, but I deal with it long enough for them to draw blood. They often ask if I will be alright. I dread it so bad that I didn’t get my liver function checked of my cholesterol. The last time that I gave blood they gave me a young check likely still training and she poked me 3 times and dug around in my arm for a few excruciating minutes. But this week I am going to make that appointment and get my bloodwork done. It is truly irrational, I know, but for some reason I have this fear. When I was a child the uncle that I lived with for a while always stated that he was afraid of needles. I wonder if something as simple as your elder expressing fear could evolve subconsciously into a phobia for a youngster. I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’m going to schedule bloodwork and a Dr’s appointment this week. Pray for me LOL. I'm such a puss.
I lost another 3lbs this last week. I now weigh-in at 202lbs. That’s 14lbs in month 1. I am pretty happy with that. 3 more pounds and I will be in the 100’s. That shows me that my eating habits were horrid. I haven’t exercised yet. That means that I was merely over-eating. I’m not obsessing and eating healthy either. I am just pushing the plate away with a little caloric goodness still sitting unconsumed on it. I have been taking healthier snacks to work more often than not though: yogurt and fruit. I still buy my beloved pretzels on occasion. So really I have just calmed down my consumption. That is good enough for me for right now. I am proud.
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4 comments:
funny ash, my son has a real problem with needles too. he'll cut himself, burn himself with cigarettes, punch concrete block walls - but can't handle the poke of a needle.
the doc told him about asking for lidocaine when he gets his blood draw - but she told him the lidocaine may burn a little. he said, i don't care if it burns my whole arm - i'd rather be on fire than feel that needle poke!
This is great well kinda!
I recently had some blood work done, nd arrived with requests and demands.
1. My ipod stays on and loud.
2. My sun glasses stay on
3. Use a butterfly needle.
4. ONE poke.
5. Remove all blood laced things immediately.
I can't stand the sight of blood either.
I feel less weird :-)
Hey Ash...202! That's AWESOME!
Don't think you have to lie to your doc - he/she has heard it ALL before and won't even be disappointed in you, TRUST me. I've told my t-doc every time I've OD'ed on Seroquel, and he's never blinked once, nor judged me. I'd like to think those days are behind me!
I read a Bipolar Basics book awhile back that helped me tremendously. It said that keeping a schedule was imperative for us. Your wake/sleep habits, not missing your meds, etc., is crucial. Once I got that in my head, things started to get better (than what they were) by leaps and bounds.
And who actually goes out and "frolicks with the wildflowers"? HAHA, that made me laugh it was so cute. :-) I feel the same way, though...but I'm just not an outdoorsy type - and I think that's ok?
KS out...:-)
TY guys. Yea, my P-doc works for me, but it still seems weird to tell all my personal shit.
I still haven't done the blood work thing yet or set up that Dr's appointment.
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