Is Anyone Else Always Wired and Have to be Shutdown With Medicinal Cntl-Alt-Delete?

Does anyone else's mind always run non-stop? Manic even when in a depression. Obsessing about being depressed. I have to take prescribed sleeping/something pills plus ativan just to knock me out at night. It still takes 4-6 hrs for them to put me out, so I have to estimate when I would like to sleep. Sometimes I have to add a few OTC PM pills if I'm really focused on a subject, positive or negative subjest matters not. Get so miserable you just keep popping pill until you find yourself waking up. You really shouldn't have to fear an overdose just to get your mind to shutdown. And no, I'm not talking occasionally. This is me everyday. And when I let my script run out the last 2 times, I was awake 40+ hrs until I got the pills refilled. And that was with taking many PM pills to no avail. And I wasn't happy super productivity time. No, after the first day or so DT's kick in and I feel like I have a moster flu throughout my whole body. Vomitting and the sensation that my brain has become untethered and is sloshing around in a viscous liquid both painful and pressurized every time I move and hit walls of my skull. Running out of Lithium also causes me these DT's.

I have to see my psych today. My anxiety level is already at a 3 or 4.

Sorry About My Regularity...I Need More Fiber...or is it less

Sorry I haven't been around much as of late. I have been doing a lot of nothing and a little of something. My thoughts are everywhere lately, which counterintuitively means less productivity overall. Family calls... 2 things i would like to discuss at length are my p-doc appointment on Monday and 2 days of anxiety and tumbling and turbulent thoughts. I am starting to think I'm an emotional moron. How can I be so good at reading others but so weak with in controling my own mind. Family calls...later for now.

I'm Crafty or 2 Weeks of Stressful Stress

I'm slowing down as of last Friday! I have been pulled in so many directions at once. My anxiety was palpably tangible to anyone around me. My eyes seemed to not blink. Crazy eyes everyone has always called it. Although my mind has slowed I still have many, many things pulling me; I just don't feel as much pressure. I can handle more thoughts than those damned normies I would wager, not that it is a positive quality. My thoughts don't bottleneck due to the faulty circuitry. My WI-FI sucks is the real issue.

Current obsessions:

• Guitar - I'm not playing Guitarsmith as often, but I spend time on Youtube or practicing chords or beginner riffs. I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I don't practice enough. I think I'm afraid that if I lose focus I will lose interest and drop it like so many other things that once had allure. I know I have talent and I'm good at so many things in ways, yet I'm not great at anything. Like the saying "jack of all trades yet the master of none. I have the hope that maybe guitar/songwriting might be my one great talent and love that never leaves me. Not likey, but I will always be searching until I find it or my journey ends.

• Herbs, wild edibles, and natural remedies - Reading, practicing, gathering and researching wild edibles in my new books and on that there internets. Now I have an itch to walk at different locations in my area and look for and identify new plants for my knowledge. I love primitive skills, buchcraft, and woodscraft of all sorts.

• Survivalism/prepper/minimalism/self reliance and sustainability - No I don't think the world's apocalypse is going to occur on the year's winter solstice and our supposed galactic alignment. I'm not that crazy! It is going to fun to watch the real crazies at year's end though. I bought Jiffy Pop specially for the show. I love history and primitive, natural, and little remembered skills and technologies. I'm also a big science buff and when you delve into the ifs and and buts, you realise that there are many viable, practical, scientific scenarios that could create a short or long-term collapse of society. And like everything I do, I do it maniacally. I hope it never happens, but if I just turned a blind eye to this arrogant, decadent, jacked-in world, and didn't learn all that I can just in case, that just wouldn't be me. Storing extra food and water and medical supplies in case of a natural or man-made disaster or societal upheaval isn't really as extremist-ish as most normal rational folks would believe. I rotate my stored foods so they don't spoil. Plus we normally eat and enjoy everything I store, so basically we merely have a big pantry. Also I try to buy in bulk, not that much but extra, while I notice stuff on sale. And now if we run a little short before checks, we have tastier options that PB&J's and ramen. So don't be alarmed when I talk survival talk because I mean everything from weaving a basket for flowers to using that same weaving technique to make a fish weir. It is all to feed my hungry aggravating need for knowledge, romance with modern and ancient cultures and wisdom, and the security those things can help me bring to my loved ones if the need were to ever arise. But yes I understand that go a little deeper than normal at times. Like to camping by myself in 2 ft of snow and twenty degrees out to test my equipment.

• Son's football - This was the big part of my anxiety overload. I even was getting the chest pains and the deep sighs. An asst coach of a DIII collage e-mailed and asked for some info and implied that he was interested in my son. It is only a very informal first step, but it also means a lot at the same times. That took my brain to spazz-mode and I got online and researched this from every angle on how the process works, examples of how others normally responded, and on and on. My son doesn't help my stress level because he acted all nonchalant and off-handily joked that you treat it like a first date, so you have to let it simmer for at least two days, as to not look too interested. It sat like a rock in my chest until I finally felt educated on the topic to respond in the normal manner. That was the weight that has lifted in the past few days. Now I have a better understanding of the communication process, which should alleviate some stress. The unknown kills me. I feel the pressure to do everything correctly. I over-analyse most situations. I still have to communicate with his high school coach to get the last of his game films for editing. I then will have to dissect all 4 full games to extract any highlight-worthy segments to send to NCSA for their film department for final editing.

• Checking my online for changes - This is rather conceded, egotistical, and needy and makes me feel stupid and pathetic, yet I do this at minimum 5 or 10 times daily. I get on and check my e-mail, facebook for comments and notifications, this blog for comments and pageviews, my Youtube channel inbox, views, notifications, and my son's football recruiting profile for coach views. I hate that I do it but I'm guessing that it might be somewhat normal to a lesser extent is today's socially jacked-in global network.

• P-doc appointment - They cancelled once. It took me forever to set it up the first time. I just fucking hate being psychoanalysed. I just hate going in and airing my dirty laundry. I just hate that my P-doc makes my wife come along so he can get the real truth out of my current state. I feel like a baby. I hate that my check doesn't come in my name or at least I can't legally cash it myself. I set up a new appointment for the end of this month. Now my thoughts will just randomly wander to the upcoming ordeal. He is 37 just like me. A few visits ago he said that owns the same Star Wars shirt that I was wearing. In some weird way that comment made me compare our lives and the forks in the roads that my faulty neurons helped me become lost. That he was my better, more pure alter ego. Like we appeared the same but for my pointy evil-beard. At least it is a tele-med appointment and I don't have to personally shake his hand and lay on his couch. That is a small solace and it feels slightly less real emotionally. I can't ever be too honest with him or even my wife because he will force me into the ward until I play the positivity, monkey-see-monkey-do game. He has asked me to go in of my own volition a few times but I told him I couldn't afford it without insurance. Just typing this, I find myself anxiety ridden. I can't wait for it to get over with. No one can truly know my thoughts for I even repress them. I am not a bad person. I am actually pretty rational, just hurting and crazy, but I want no pity in this life, just maybe some understanding.

• Reading my collapse medical book - I love this book. Not enough diagrams for my liking, but the knowledge is priceless if you become an injured or wounded victim's last resort and no ambulance is coming and there is no hospital. My 10 years of first aid, CPR, AED, and other training, helps me feel a little more prepared to absorb some of this great book's info. I will share some of the info on medications that I found eye-opening, yet not surprising in our elitist, corporate world.

• Spring collection in woods - Primitive items for survival, crafts, and experience, i.e. bones, obsidian, cattails, pine sap, birch bark, fat wood, walking stick worthy tree/limb for carving, and now also searching for herbs and edible/medicinal plants, etc.

• Making a birch bark box with porcupine quill designed lid - It is so much harder than I thought to make this primitive box for my mother-in-law. She has breast cancer and I would feel proud to gift her a box handcrafted by me. I haven't told her about it due to my tendency to procrastinate or lose motivation or interest all together. Research and design ideas are becoming tedious. Processing the quills is slow going. I had to pluck a stinking porky. I have been poked many times by the pitiless barbed modified hairs since the start of this project. I had to size, sort, and grade a far amount of quills. I had to wash the quills and dry. Now I have to trim one end of each hollow quill to help with dyeing process color saturation uniformity. I will then have to separate them into 5 or so different size-blended batches for dying different colors. So no matter the size or diameter quill I need for stitching, the colors will match. All this is research so hopefully my first batch turns out well. I wanted to go traditional on the dyes, but some of the color ingredients aren't likely to be around in spring, and with her illness one never knows a time frame or hopefully a remission. Then on to the fabrication phase which I am currently very hazy on. I have ideas but I want done right. I will keep this first quill design semi-simple because I want it done quickly and I am a novice with the whole project really. I will try to post pics here when finished.

As with everything else on this huge obsession list, I feel pulled by anxiety, need, want, and guilt, by an unseen powerful taskmaster all demanding to get my utmost attention. That is a lot of directions. This is all tearing me apart. Day in day out pulling. It is so hard to satisfy so many mental obligations in this fucked bipolar brain of mine. It feels like I am fighting to stay atop the dwindling grains of sand. I have wrote so much to post, but I get side-tracked away before I get to proofread and post. I promised myself when I started up this blog again that I would use it to document all my issues, thoughts, stresses, symptoms, etc. for future reference, yet I even hide embarrassed from others of similar minds and dysfunctions. Sometimes life feels like a punch to the gut and every time I catch my breath in comes another shot to the sternum. Sorry for the novel. I have spent way too long on this post I surely must be neglecting something. Hopefully not the family.

Boys' Night Out

Well my wife and daughter backed-out of the trip, due to a birthday party and an Easter egg hunt. My son wasn't happy about it and I wasn't either to be honest. But I understand. So my son and I drove over an hr and went to Walmart before his tattoo appointment. Got new tires put on also so we had some time to kill before that would be completed and his tat. I wrote up a small checklist. Actually I have been jotting stuff down for this trip for a week and forgot to consolidate them to a single list. Plus, while there, I didn't even look my notebook so preplanning was non-existent. Here is my list of Items bought.

• Dog walking packs - 2 Repel 40% deet bug dope pens - Damn bugs

• Dog walking pack - 1 Repel 20% deet bug dope/sunscreen pen - no reason to get burnt and bitten

• Survival/walk packs - 2 pack of safety flares/firestarter - I actually said aloud, holy shit they have flares, cool. I will have to test one, soon, sweet!

• Survival/glovebox - Coleman travel towels In A Tube - compressed, add water and towel. Like grown-up bizzaro shinky dinks. Yea, in the cart.

 

• Survival/Walk packs - 2 mosquito head nets - 2 seemed like a good even number that may or may not give me good luck for the day.

 

• Survival - braided fishing line.

 

• Survival - 2 plastic waterpoof match tubes.

 

• Survival packs - 3-pack combo of compression dry bags.

 

• Survival/lake/shade - 5'x7' backpacker's light weight tarp.

 

• Survival/glovebox - 4 piece spork set. got to have 4 - another round number.

 

• Med Kit - Extra large gauze roll.

 

• Med Kit - Triple antibiotic + pain relief.

 

• Med Kit - Neosporin.

 

• Survival - Compass carabiner combo. A use shall come to be.

 

• Survival pack - Gold Bond foot powder.

 

• Survival - 4 function safety whistle.

 

• Walk pack - camper's compressed rolls of TP.

 

• survival/walk pack - Bite valve tips for water bladders

 

• Survival pack - 32oz metal breakdown cup/bottle.

• Wife - nice laptop - she will be mad at first, but when she realised how much it sucked sharing my son's laptop, she we be happy about it.

 

•  Son - Some Silent Hill game. He is big on zombie, horror, and 1st person shooter games. Spends more time texting with his games on pause than actually playing them.

 

• Daughter - Poke Park 2 game. She is big on Pokemon, Sims, Facebook games. Her first love is Manga and Anime so she usually animating on her DS.

 

Getting gas I grabbed a few survival-ish things.

 

• Survival/hygiene pack - pack on unscented wipes. Cleanliness is ...yadda yadda.

 

• Survival pack/fishing kits - Pack of assorted hooks and weights.

 

• Old DJ Friend - 6 80's records. There was one of those "tobacco" shops next to the tattoo parlour. I haven't seen him in years and figured it would make him happy.

 

We ended the boys' night out by watching Wrath of the Titans 3D. We both loved the flick. We talked about many things on the ride home: The movie, football, grades,college, nurture vs nature, critical thinking, religion, the science method, and that it was a natural process to grow beyond me and his mom's and grandparents'' dogmas, ideas, politics, prejudices. I told him never to be ashamed of his personal thoughts, especially to me and his mom. It was a good ride.

Latest Spending Spree

I asked my wife 2 days ago if I could purchase a few items online. She said no problem because 2 of the 3 were not for me personally, but for my son.

• Memories - Son's football highlight dvd.
• Son's recruiting/my Survival vids - Video editing software program.
• Survival/Navigation - A personalised topographic map of my area.

Last night I told her that I had a few things in the Amazon cart and asked her if she would look at it and see what she didn't mind me buying a few. She asked how much it came up to. I said around a hundred with shipping. She said just go ahead, but I could tell she was a little aggravated yet didn't want to say no. I asked if she wanted to know what I was getting and she merely stated no. So I waited until she went to bed and added a few more items so it came up to $110. I got to checkout and it was $145 with shipping. I just clicked the ok button. I felt bad after, but it's like I just can't say stop or say no. It is really dumb. I'm broken, I know. And sadly my brain is full of other items that are aching with need to escape my warped skull. And I have been fighting off my near insane libedo for music and favorite horror and comedy movie, TV show, T-shirt fetish. LOL. I have so many that would like to get before we are back to the fixed budget where I can't afford shit.

• Guitar - 6 pack of rubberised picks.
• Guitar - 6 pack of Pick of Destiny picks.
• Survival/medical kit - 2 Synthetic Suture / Needle Combo kits
• Survival - 2 of 550lb. Type III Paracord 100' Black
• Survivalism - 20 count pack of Ignit-o firestarter
• Survival/art - Israeli M15 Gas Mask Canteen and drinking straw
• Survival/Prepper - Potassium Iodide (anti-radiation) Capsules, 130 mg 120 Capsules
• Survival/Prepper reading - The Wild & Weedy Apothecary: An A to Z Book of Herbal Concoctions, Recipes & Remedies, Practical Know-How & Food for the Soul
• Survival/Prepper reading - Abundantly Wild: Collecting and Cooking Wild Edibles in the Upper Midwest
• Survival/Prepper reading - How to Survive the End of the World as We Know It: Tactics, Techniques, and Technologies for Uncertain Times
• Survival/Prepper reading - The Prepper's Pocket Guide: 101 Easy Things You Can Do to Ready Your Home for a Disaster

Tomorrow it is off out of town to get new tires and the completion of my son's tatoo. I've already got a list for Walmart. I'll try to be conservative, although I won't lie, I already have a strong feeling that I'm going to be a dumbass crackhead.

Doing Better and Current Addictions

I am feeling better. My mind was spazzing/reeling with thoughts of betrayal and I couldn't stop thinking/obsessing over the lies and hiding and isolation that left me isolated in these walls depressed all winter. I was very hurt by the whole thing but I except it now that my wife and I discussed it. I know I have been quite cryptic about this issue and that is because I hate to write down negative things about my wife. She is a very good and ethical person. And no she didn't cheat on me. I will try to explain the issue, but now I much deal with my obsessions before I take my 2am sleeping meds!

Addictions:

Guitarsmith - a lot of waking hrs.

Youtube - vids on guitar chords and beginner songs and techniques.

Survival - Youtube vids and natural supplies from woods.

Youtube - Tenacious D, Beelzeboss, I laugh at this like ten times a day.

Putting items in my Amazon shopping cart and trying not to hit the (proceed to checkout) button.

Also last Amazon post I forgot about a $40 post-collapse medical how-to journal.

And lastly I actually made an appointment to see my P-doc today.

Simulacra and Simulation

Games are fun and fair are rules of relativity, which is general and special. Mind games are uneven dueling courts, where phallus is usually not king. Flaccid I feign, as the cold shoulder pains me. I'm fuckin' crazy so it's my fault by default. This isn't prose. I'm pissed. Somehow downtrodden, depressed, and befuddled, wrapped-up in an, I don't get it and I don't know if I supposed to give a fuck even if I was intelligent enough to get it!

Not happy, not well; but all's well that ends well, I hear. I will be back...soon. Happy or sad or mad, yet sometimes all at once. Now that will make anyone crazy. Ultra Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder. Now that's not only unfair, it's straight-up bullshit. I think I need to make an appointment and let my Dr know that I really am unsure about what pills and at what dose of the unsure pills to take, because lord knows the labels aren't my guide currently. I'm Sick of being Sick. Oh yea, mind games suck and manipulation, although innate in every process, is a pretty selfish system that subsists upon its very self, like a serpent eating its own tail.