Just When I Thought I Was Out... They Pull Me Back In

Did You even know that there was such a thing as bipolar remission?

That article was the result of searching for how I felt.

Remission. I feel like I am in remission.

There is so much online about remission. I knew it wasn't in my head. Remission really IS what I am going through.

One site said: Bipolar disorder may involve long periods of remission between episodes. Everyone can be lulled into a false sense of security. This fosters denial of the illness and premature medication cessation.

Wow!

Wait, now remission means it could come back. Hmmmm, I guess it's too early to tell if I'm in remission or if I healed myself. My goal is to heal myself, so I'll keep ya posted.

Anyway, I feel great to know this, like I'm more aware and have been given a heads up on an assassin that may try to get me. Or maybe I watch too much Law & Order.

So grateful for info available on the Internet.

Click on Butterfly’s above post to visit her blog. She has some links to sites about BP remission hyperlinked into the same post on her site.

This is exactly how my week has gone. I wasn’t overly happy or anything. I wasn’t overly sad. I functioned with out animosity for the world. I wasn’t affected by noise. My nerves weren’t grated. Humans didn’t seem inferior to my omnipotence. I wasn’t irrational and irritated. I guess you would call it normalcy. I was a lukewarm normal person. I was feeling fine and that was fine by me. I actually started to think that maybe I was regulated somehow. Was it the Omega 3 fish oil that I just started taking? Was it the fact that I wasn’t stuffing myself like a plucked turkey? Was I maybe not really bipolar anymore?

Then came Friday. I awoke to a world of inferior lifeforms that didn’t deserve to be in my almighty presence. Them merely talking among themselves in the living room down the hall was aggravating. Just shut the fuck up. Do you always have to talk I thought? It still didn’t dawn on me that I was being irrational. I got up went into the living room. I got on my computer lifeline. Within 5 min I had already told my children to calm down. Hey be quiet. What don’t we get about be fucking quiet. Stop running all around. I’m not being cranky Ash-wife, they aren’t listening. My mom comes over. Mom you are really aggravating the shit out of me I think. I am very short with her. She is making no sense. She is having a bad day mentally and being totally irrational. She is saying stupid senseless shit that has me on edge. I still don’t really get that I am different. Everyone is making me this way. It isn’t me. I am starting to have an anxiety attack as mom is being irrational. She is ready to leave. She sees that I am in a mood. Dad pulls into the yard. I hug her bye and watch her go out the door. She pops her head back in and says that dad said to tell me that he just caught a big fish. I succinctly and curtly say that’s nice, later, bye. As an afterthought a min later I realize that it wouldn’t be nice to not say hi to dad. I walk out to the truck and say hi and bye, really just wanting them to leave.

Ash-wife tells me that I’m being really mean and short as I walk back in. That I have treated her like shit and the kids like shit since I got up and that I just treated my mom like a piece of shit. It just dawns on me that she is totally right. I am having an episode for the first time in close to a week. Normalcy over. Asshole endured and overcame the fight with remission. Remission you ain’t shit. WaHaHaHa. What were you thinking? That you were a nice person that thought everyone’s thoughts and opinions were just as important as your own. PO’leeze, the world should just be happy that you are in it. You are fucked and defective. Didn’t you know that. You are bipolar. Now deal with it. I tell her that I can’t help it and that didn’t really even realize that I was being that way until she just pointed it out. She asked if there was anything that I could take to calm myself. I told her no but that it was time for my night meds. She said that she was really worried about me going to work that night. She was afraid I was going to continue on my current path of destruction. I told her that there wasn’t anything that I could do, no one to call to cover for me, that I would just have to ride it out. I said lets hope that I have an easy night with no problems so I could stay in my office and not be put in any situations that I had to make snappy decisions. I am calmer as I get ready for work. I think it was due to being aware that I was in a pert mood.

At work I am a little short with my press guys that live in the larger office outside my office. They tell me that I have the crazy eyes going. I try to calm myself. I do. Then I get a call that a machine had broken badly. I put on my radio and head to the problem. I take an assessment and the prognosis wasn’t the greatest. I supervise as my guys work on the situation. I am acutely attuned to every aspect of their job and what they are working on. It was almost like the world was in slow motion. I saw where I could jump in and do things that they were taking too long doing. But hey, when you are on the outside looking in you can see things clearer; it’s not necessarily that I was superior, although it felt that way. I caught myself before I griped at some of the things that they were doing. I was kind of getting a little work-up as I watched. I decided to remove myself from the situation for a minute and let them handle themselves. I am proud of myself for doing this. I took a walk around the facility and cleared my head as I told myself that they were doing a good job; they actually were doing a good job, but my BP was on over-critical mode. I went back and held myself together. I was worked up to the point of running my mouth again in around 20 min because they were checking over the whole machine and taking a long time doing it. Just as I am ready to ruin the moral of my people they buttoned everything up and were ready to rock. I tell everyone good job and that they had done it well with a faked smile. Later we had another problem. This time one of my guys wasn’t very observant and overlooked that there was a problem. He tried to manually run the machine and jammed everything tight ass hell and turned a 10 min problem into a 45 min problem. This time I jumped right in there and helped out because I could see that they were trying to fix it the hard way and that it would have took a long time. As I ran the team I was very positive and didn’t treat anyone adversely. We got finished and I told everyone good job. I then sat with the guys that normally would fix the problem and ran through the whole scenario and taught them how to do it the right way. I told them that we all make mistakes and that even though what happened sucked for all of us, that as long as we learned from the situation, that it would make us stronger, and that I was happy. I was happy with the way I handled the second problem outwardly and emotionally. I didn’t have an anxiety attack – not even slightly. The first problem, I treated everyone well, but inside I was tilting. The second problem I didn’t feel any anxiety even though I jumped in and helped.

I might actually be beginning to get a slight handle on my anger and unfavorable emotions. But I need to get a higher sensitivity to my feelings and emotions; they are a muddled language that is very cryptic and difficult for me to unravel. I just don’t really see it until I hit maximum overdrive. I need to find a way to get more attuned to my inner self sooner so I can repress my ferocity, irritability, and arrogance before it is outwardly noticeable. That is the ultimate goal of the moment. I am afraid that if Ash-wife wouldn’t have pointed my mood out to me that I would have mistreated people that didn’t deserve it. You never know, I might even have had that catastrophic blow-up that ends my current career. Hopefully that day doesn’t come; I have been trying so hard to keep that at bay.