Snippets

I have just weighed myself at 9:30PM after watching my beloved Detroit Pistons whip the shit out of the Bulls. Fuck you Wallace; we don't need you, you money grubbing bitch. I now weigh 210lbs. That is -6lbs in week 1.

I have drank a lot of red wine tonight after my last day of work and I can't truly say why. Who fuckin' cares.

HATE. Death and Destruction. Bring it fuckers.

I hate my job and take my considerable vacation time around when I work days. Recap: I work 4, 12hr days, 7am to 7pm – 4 days off – 4, 12hr nights, 7pm to 7am. My T-doc and P-doc both say that this is a very hard schedule for me and that it is unhealthy physically and mentally. I don’t take vacation to do things: I take vacation to reduce my stress. You see, Mon–Fri 7am-4pm the bosses at my plant are there. I hate this time at work. Thursdays are the very worst for me. On Thurs we shut down the whole mill and every department. – Green End, Production, Finish End, Electrical, Mechanical, environmental, and Quality Control all work on upkeep of their individual processes. All in all I am responsible for making sure that they complete there work on time; lets round it off at 100 individual people. I walk around and make sure everyone is working at a productive pace. I need to find out who is going to hold my start-up up. They damn sure better have a good reason. We go down at 7:30am thru 3:30pm - 8hrs: 480mins. That is my allotted time to keep the mill down. After that my personal Crew is docked efficiency for every min that the mill doesn’t run. This is a very tedious process, which I have been one of the best at since I started running my crew 5 years ago. I was a tyrant to some and a mentor to others. I kept people to task. I was told in my evaluations that I take my job too seriously and put too much stress on myself. That I am the top performer usually, with the most talented crew, and therefore I should relax and slow the pace a bit. I have always strove to do my best. Sometimes my assertiveness would kick-in as I tried to perform. I sometimes would snap at people and tell them of their incompetence. I was a stern taskmaster. You either performed or you felt my wrath. I would be the best and you better not be the weakest link. Don’t take this to mean that I showed no compassion. I was respected and loved by my crew. I treated my crew like a coddled, cherished prize. I covered up their mishaps and fuck-ups. I saved many jobs at risk to my own employment. My crew was my family and they would do anything for me. They performed for me alone. But sadly I kept expecting more from everyone that wasn’t a part of my crew, especially on D. days. You must realize that these other people on Down Days weren’t my guys, they reported to others, although I was ultimately responsible for their performances on D. Day. I was manic a few too many times and I was reported to management as an antagonist to put it lightly. Incompetence, I just couldn’t stand. I am a perfectionist and I need to be validated as the best of the best or I can’t relax and sleep at night. Honestly they expect this of me. They are the Man. They are Conglomerate. I am a fucking pawn, people. It is expected of me, but just don’t get a bad wrap. I hate my fucking job. I have no true friends. Everyone has an ulterior motive. Brown-nosing bastards. Aren’t you glad that I’m drunk and opening up a bit. I took it too far. I got turned in a few too many times for snapping, and they tried to fire me. My crew, whom I have treated like gold all went up front to management and protested. My job was spared due solely to the love my crew had for me because of how I treated them. I was placed on days for 6 months of probation. This wasn’t due solely to my treatment of incompetent bastards that didn’t deserve their jobs in the first place. I had a bad reputation of going up front in the management meetings and calling department heads incompetent in front of everyone. I would normally know when to shut-up, but when I was manic, the beast would come out and I would snap at the board meetings. Imagine that I am accountable for every min (720min) of my 12 hr shift. No matter which dept was at fault, I was still ultimately the culprit and I better understand every aspect of every damn min that the mill isn’t running. We actually have a screen on the wall that the computer projects every min that I wasn’t making product. I have to explain why we weren’t running and what I did to remedy the problem. You see, I am a very anal person that needs to know every aspect of every fucking thing. If I had to explain it, you better bet your ass that I can tell you what the problem was. I would tell department mangers what was the problem because I had researched deeply, at much stress to myself. I would inform them of the problem. I would then go on my for days off. When I came back I was finding that they hadn’t fixed the problems that I had told them about 4 days earlier. I would snap and tell them that they weren’t doing their jobs efficiently. After a while of butting heads with the highest people at your plant, the Plant Manager will slap you down, right or wrong. Months after being taken from my crew I was allowed back because I had excelled again with the small day crew that I was given and had maintained calm. Being put on days was an embarrassing time for me. Assholes leaked why I was on days. I was told if I have just one more major outburst it is the end of my job. At first I thought I would end up being sabotaged and framed by people – ambitious or people that have a grudge. But that didn't happen. Actually it was tried once but it didn't work because enough people were present to counter a few peoples' lies. I was placed back on my crew over a year ago. I took them and put them back on top and was the best performing crew once again. At my evaluation I was given the highest raise among Sup’s, yet I was once again docked for lack of professional communication. My manic ass once again snapped a few more times, yet not nearly as bad. I can usually repress my opinions and take them home and run them over and over though my mind, but when I’m manic I tell the people at the morning meetings that they suck and aren’t doing their best. It is my BP at it’s best that tries to take my job. I was told that I was the smartest and most responsible Sup that they had, but that I needed to calm down and let the mill run without my stern arm. That I was out-performing everyone, so I just needed to not worry so much. Just let pieces fall as they may. I have this year tried that philosophy as of yet and I just sit in my office mostly. I could do so much more, but this is what they ask of me. Sadly this is how the other Sup's spend their days and they don't get near as stressed as I do. I need my job; I hate my job. It sucks when someone tells you to do less than your best. I need to feed my family so I will play their game. So back to the beginning of this super long paragraph, I now try not to work on days Mon – Fri. If I have to work Mon thru Thurs on day or Tues thru Fri on days I just take that week off of work. That keeps me away from all the bosses and a D.D. You would be amazed at the stress that I escape by taking this vacation. Sadly you shouldn’t hate your job that much. But where else would an under-achieving GED fuck flourish. God I hate my life, but I’m willing to endure for the security of my family. What is my soul worth anyways?

I think I have a gambling problem that I am infecting others with. I have played poker at work today with certain members of my crew. Now that's a close-knit crew.

Oh yea, I got a couple of responses back from blog advertising sites that I applied for back when it was just my poker site. They want me now that I have people actually reading a fuckin' blog of mine. I plan to review ads for these sites. I hope that doesn't make me a sellout. I figure if I'm going to be blogging anyways for what I truly believe in, I mind as well get paid.

What does 6 lbs mean when the world is shit . FTW.

Later, Ash fuckin' out.