I had a T-doc visit on Tues. It was a good session sort of. She is saying that some of my issues are due to my illness and some are learned traits from childhood. I guess I agree. It makes it harder to work on my issues. I hate when she asks things about my childhood. My growing up years sucked. My parents sucked. But for some reason I have an instinct to withhold and defend my parents acts. I don’t like to blame my environment for my traits and habits. I know it is true though. I have studied this in my courses. Part of what you are is inherent and some is from the environment in which you were raised and witness to. The inherent things are the hardest things to work on because they are encoded into your very being. It can be worked on, yet it is hard work. On the other hand environmental character flaws are slightly easier to repress or disengage.
She thinks my anxiety attacks come from my perfectionism and need to control every aspect of my environment She thinks that those 2 habits come from my environment growing up. She thinks because my dad was never satisfied with anything that I did that I developed these strong feelings that bring on anxiety. If I’m going to have a confrontation, I might not have control in the situation so I lose control of my emotions and get all the anxiety symptoms. She also thinks that because of my childhood experiences that I have a perpetual need to excel and be perfect. This brings me unbridled stress, which also triggers anxiety and anger. It is also why I procrastinate in most things in life. I am afraid of failing so I never start anything so I can protect myself from my perfectionism. It is a vicious cycle. As much as I hate to admit these flaws about myself I think she is right in her analysis. And as they say: the first step to recovery is acceptance.
It kind of sucks. When you think all of your issues are due to your illness you can deal with that. You can blame it on something that is out of you power. You can blame it on a chemical imbalance. You can blame your neurotransmitters. But when it is just you, you are left bare. You have no disorder to hide behind. You have to start to understand that you are fucked-up. It is you. So I’m fucked-up. Now I must find and fix myself. Hopefully this is the source of my anger so I can work on it and someday (hopefully soon) alleviate and ultimately cure its demonic grasp of my moods.
I am overall happy with therapy. I need help with some things in life and at least I am willing to improve. Some people, especially men, wouldn’t go to a psych much less therapist. I’m starting to see that it isn’t because they are tough or more manly, it is because they are insecure deep down and are afraid of what they might find.
1 comment:
It's hard to realize that somethings are not due to the "illness" because it makes it harder to accept and makes u more vulnerable. I have a bunch of things (issues) that i have taken responsability over and that i've tried to change. But then again I have lots of way to go on other stuff...I guess that's the whole game plan, to conquer and get over one issue at a time....
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