Bombarded by Stress

I am really stressing myself out right now. I have 3 big things about to go on in my life and career, and I want to do well on all of them. We all have the need of accomplishment, I think. The drive to do well. Anyways, here they are and a few thoughts on each.

1 - First and foremost is my Psychology exam. It is a proctored timed exam. I think the timed part is what is getting to me and of course the perpetual doubts and thoughts that I’m not good enough. I just hope my thoughts don’t become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t think the Psych part will be much of an issue. It is the business courses that worry me the most. And I can’t find it in myself to study. I checked last week in I could take it, but it hadn’t reached my proctor yet. I called and it should be there any day now. I need to do it soon as possible because next month is shaping up to be a hectic schedule. I can do it, I hope. Damn stress.

2 – I have a business trip in a week. I have to go to Smoke School and will be gone for 4 or 5 days. It is in Minneapolis, MN. You learn how to read smoke and what the limits are. It is environmental training. At the end of the training you have to go outside and be tested on your ability to read opacity. Industry Factories, Plants, and Mills have smoke stacks that give of forms of pollution. Basically what I am being trained for is so that when I’m at work I can be responsible for the emissions coming from our smoke stacks. We have an Environmental Department that is solely employed for that very purpose. I find it unfair to add this extra criteria to my job. I could actually be held accountable on the rare occasion that a system was malfunctioning and giving off high opacity levels and I did nothing about it. I could actually get a jail term for this. I think that I would have to show neglect in some way for the accountability to be that extreme. I would have to know that it was out of parameters and purposely run the equipment anyways. I could just see me being the fall-guy for some corporate negligence just because I was working during the permit offence. This isn’t very likely, mainly because it would be an extremely rare occasion that we would be polluting. It would have to be a complete malfunction of equipment, personnel, chart recorders, and contingence plans. The big concern for me is passing this test. There are for of us Production Shift Supervisors (all) going. We all run and are accountable 24/7/365 days a year of the whole multi-million dollar operation, which is fucking stressful enough. Now throw this shit in my lap. The test is very subjective. It is based on 5% increments of opacity. You can only be off like 10% either way. Put it this way is you see no smoke that is 0% opacity; if you can’t see through the smoke at all that is 100% opacity. Wind makes it more difficult. I have actually gone once before years ago when they made Relief Sup’s do it. The Environmental Lead Man and I both passed, but the Plant Environmental Manager himself failed to pass the test. I hope I do well. You get more than one chance to pass. Hopefully I pass and if I don’t I’m not the sole failure of my peers.

3 - I have a business trip at the end of April. Another Sup and I have been elected to do this. Whoopee. I was being sardonic there. I think this sucks. I have to go to the University of Tennessee for an SBC training course. Statistical Process Control. I will be there for a week. The sun and warmth will do me good. Not looking at snow for a week will be kickass. So there is actually a positive aspect to the trip. Rock and I were volunteered to go due to our background in Quality Control. Testing, charting data, plotting dots and all that jazz. The other 2 Sup will go at a later date, they say. I am worried that I won’t pass, even if there is a test. I will likely do well but I have that nagging feel of failure that just eats at me.

I don’t know why I am so stressed. I guess I don’t want to lose face. I am fiercely competitive and my biggest opponent is myself. And truly the biggest issue bringing about this stress is the fact that I need to personally perform well at everything that I do. I truly think that perfectionism is a symptom of bipolar disorder. It seems evident in most of your blogs. I think the fear of failure actually plagues us with depressive thoughts sometimes. I am rarely ever satisfied with anything that I do, art, writing, projects, grades, achievements, etc. It is a character flaw.