Shades of Gray...AKA... Cabin Fever

I always knew I was different, but it wasn’t until the winter of 2004/2005 that I knew something was truly amiss. I’m not the most observant person when it comes to my emotions. Back then I really wasn’t. But that winter I spent 3 months in bed. I knew something was definitely wrong. I had never had a depressive episode last that long. Each winter it was getting worse. I called it cabin fever. I thought it was likely due to me being brought-up in the South. (NC/SC) Then with the move up to the UP of Michigan where the winters can last 5 months or more was a big shock. I just thought that I would likely never become acclimated to the cold gloomy weather. Like I said, I thought it was normal. I would always live in the neurotic/cynical/negative/depression zone during the winters, especially late winter when I just needed it to end. I needed the light, the warm rays upon my face. That 2004/2005 winter was something all together different. I lived in that bed, the only time that I left the house was to go to work. My days off I lived in that bed. I could sleep forever. I was living in that stage one dream realm where the real world vaguely intermingles with the dream realm. I was a very neglectful father and husband during that horrid winter. My 9 and 7 year’s old children actually took care of me instead of the other way around. During one of the rare times in the day that I was awake lying in bed watching TV, they would make me Roman Noodles. I lived on those that whole winter and so did the kids. They cooked for themselves also. If they had issues or questions I was snappy with them. They were tender and gave me hugs often; they could tell something was wrong. I am still ashamed of the way I was that winter. Your young children shouldn’t have to care for you like you’re an invalid. My wife wasn’t real supportive that winter. She just thought I was being a lazy piece of shit. I don’t blame her; she didn’t know. I didn’t know either; I just knew that I couldn’t get motivated whatsoever. I hated myself. I was worthless in all of our eyes. I was shit.

I still didn’t get help until another few months in August of that year. But that is a story for another time. It was the swinging ruthless animosity that brought about reform. Luckily I decided to intervene before I hit rock bottom. I was definitely spiraling out of control.

I think my work also plays a role with my depression. I think you add my schedule to the gloom and doom of a Michigan winter and presto: Depression Squared. I work 4, 12 hr days, then 4 days off, and then back for 4, 12 hr nights. Then it’s back to 4 days off and the cycle begins anew. So basically on the 4 days that I work I only have time to sleep, eat, and bathe. (No real contact with the family) My wife would get home from work when I was on nights, wait a few hrs, make dinner, and wake me up to eat in bed at 5pm. I then would lie in bed until 6 or so, get up and shower, and head to work at 7pm. Try to regulate your life rhythms and cycles around that shit.

Cabin fever is here again this winter. Not as bad as that dark winter, but a negating-ly debilitating coldness that seems not only to bore into the bones, but also into the soul. I have read lately that a lot of you bloggers think spring is a depressive season. I will admit that our short summers are my happiest times of the year, but spring begins the process for me. The sun. The longer days. The meltoff. The birds coming back and singing. The world becoming green and colorful again. Winter is just different shades of gray. I will watch and see how it comes along. I’ll see if it is a depressing time for me. Maybe it is currently a placebo effect for me; I think that it should cheer me up, and so it does. I will watch and learn.

Spring is almost here: I need it. Time to open the drapes and let it wash over my dreary, weary soul. Reading your blogs is really helping me out right now. I have found that thing I’ve been searching for lately. And it is you. My new obsession.