Manic Ramblings

I am quite manic today. My mind is swimming. I can’t focus. Thoughts are spinning. I am searching for something. It is intangible and fleeting, but I am feeling for it. Searching. I should be studying right now because within the next few days I have my semester exam. I keep opening my book, but my mind wanders away before I even get through one paragraph. I really need to study.

I feel light and lofty. It is what they call a euphoric state. My thoughts and emotions almost seem to be able to lift off away from myself. I don’t feel whole, but in a good way. I need something. I haven’t left my office but a few times yet today. I keep zoning out, daydreaming about odd things. I want to sketch and draw for some reason.

Pat said that he was standing outside my office staring at me zoning for a few mins. I didn’t notice him until he started walking. I’m not grumpy today, I am actually happy. Not really happy, but carefree. Nothing seams to really matter at the moment because I’m not focused on reality at the moment. My time is mine. Hopefully I have a good day at work with no issues so I can continue in this mood. My head is tingling. I almost feel high in a way. Maybe my blood sugar is low. LOL.

I feel creative, that’s it. They say that many famous people throughout history were likely bipolar. Creative minds: philosophers, artists, inventers, writers, etc. I’m not comparing myself to them, just my current mood. They say that bipolar people do some of their best work when they are in a euphoric manic mood.

All cylinders are clinking at their optimum. Not that nothing can go wrong in this state. I’m sure if I went to the store right now I would spend way too much money. I would be hyper-impulsive and buy, buy, buy. I would surely start a few new hobbies or buy things that I have great plans for. I likely would then wake up tomorrow or come down later today and those plans would never come to fruition. That is the extreme manic’s shortcoming. Your ambitious motives that aren’t somehow saved while manic are often utterly lost. Like a dream that you just can’t quite remember the way it was; you just recall a feeling that encompassed everything about the dream.

I wish I were home so I could maybe try to watercolor or even play some poker. I’m sure that whatever I decided to focus in on right now, I would do my very best at. Other than try to study that is.

So you have your good and bad. But hey, that is the very nature of the illness. There is a difference between manic and extreme manic. Euphoria isn’t a byproduct of being normally manic I don’t think. Not in my experience anyways. My senses are at a heightened state but usually I get irritated with others. I think that might be a narcissistic kind of issue, thinking that I am partially superior or at least intellectually. My opinions and logic seems almost simple and common sense like and if someone thinks otherwise they are just wrong or misguided. I lose empathy; I think that is it. Maybe I see their perspective, I just find it second to mine. Am I rambling enough for you yet. I really don’t think I’m a conceded person, but maybe I actually am somewhat.

I think that this blog has already begun to help me. At least it is getting me to document my different emotions so far. I am an extremely observant person about certain things, but I don’t retain that observation for long. Unless it is things that I care about or am interested in. I might notice something, but if you ask me tomorrow, it is gone. My wife can tell things that I have totally blocked from my memory until she brings it back up. She recalls with supreme clarity. On the other hand I am very selective in what I retain. If I find it superficial, it is than that night when my neurons are doing their nightly housekeeping. So I guess what I’m saying is that if I didn’t write this stuff down about how I’m feeling mentally and emotionally, I would forget and only remember when my wife brought up specific instances. That’s why when I go to see my Dr I usually don’t mention the bad weeks or days that I had, I only talk about how I am currently feeling. I forget all the times I slept 16 to 18 hrs and day just because I didn’t feel that I had anything important enough for me to get up for. How I hate myself and find myself worthless. How I get so wound up that I think my head will burst if I don’t find some alone time. How I get so stressed that I actually want to cry and maybe just end it all. How I walk to the edge of high places at work and just think about jumping and actually have to walk away because I can’t think about anything different but the plunge. How I sometimes think about steering the car into the other lane and going head on with a semi or and car and just start fantasizing about the aftermath to the point that I have to find something on the radio to zone-out on. I forget the few times that I just snapped at the kids and screamed like a banshee at the smallest thing with evil in my eyes. I forget getting irritated at the slightest noise and taking offense at the slightest question, like my family and everyone around me is somehow beneath me or my time. How the slightest noise could pierce my skull and make me cover my ears and have to get away from everyone’s droning voices. How even the TV torments my sanity sometimes with it’s incessant babble. I don’t mean to do any of these things. I love my wife and kids, though I sometimes don’t think I deserve them. They shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around me. I love them so much. Fuck everyone else. I am sick but I seem to forget these issues when I go visit the Doc.

I was diagnosed by a different Dr in the beginning. I liked him so much. He actually talked to me and seemed to understand what I was going through. But then the hospital downsized the Psych Dept. and he lost his job. I really miss him. He talked to me. He asked the right questions. I was secure and felt safe with him. I was able to tell him things. I wasn’t embarrassed as much by my thoughts and feelings. I could confide in him without worry of ridicule or thoughts of inadequacies. I think maybe it was because he was my first Dr and he was the one that figured out what was wrong with me. I didn’t tell him everything and likely I won’t tell you all, because they would lock me up to keep the world safe.

I actually like my new Dr but I haven’t connected with him. We don’t talk. It’s not his fault really. He asks open-ended questions I just don’t respond. We basically discuss my meds and if I think any chances are needed. But you know, If I don’t tell the guy anything, maybe he does think I’m doing fine. How could he know otherwise? I must breakdown a few walls and admit that I have issues. Shit, I should, I’m fucking crazy. I must work on our communication. I will tell him that I’m not doing that well. That I have fought bouts of depression. That I’ve felt worthless. That I have been irritable often. That I’m not in good control of my emotions. That I snapped a few different times. That my wife left with the kids for a few days because I snapped during an argument and threw a half-empty can of pop at her. That I sort of snapped at work a few times. That I have said things because I just couldn’t hold them back even though I knew I was pissing my boss off and that me might fire me at any moment and continued even after he told me that I was disrespecting his authority. That I am swinging from depression to manic often. That I don’t truly think I am stable at the moment. That I am sick of being sick. Yes, I must talk to him. My meds probably need to change. I don’t want to be over-medicated and zombified, lethargically trudging my way through life. That life just wouldn’t be worth living. I love to think; I couldn’t take being muddled. But I need help. I am stressed beyond belief. I just can’t take it.

I have come down, likely because I swing quickly or possibly because my guys came in my office and wouldn’t take a hint and leave. I am very irritated right now. I have a headache. I wonder how my Dr will react when I tell him that I don’t think I’m well at the moment. Hopefully he doesn’t do anything to drastic. I won’t tell him everything this time. But hopefully he can fix me. I still need something. I am searching.