My Paradox

Life is a game of misinformation,
Often it's hard to even see the equation.

I'm having issues. Let's just start right there.

I have a very stressful job. I don't have the skills to find another. At least not what I make at my current one. I need my job. I have burned my bridges. I have no road left. I must walk the fine line. I stand on the plate with 2 strikes.

My evaluations state that I a great employee. Better than average in all areas. Except one: Professional communication. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut and just being a normal compliant lackey. I say what is on my mind no matter the consequences, no matter where at.

It's a character flaw you see. It's called spontaneous combustion. It enters my head and BOOM, I blurt it out. I usually even know it is not a good thing to do. Sometimes I can suppress it. It's almost like an addiction. I just can't control it at times. In the last year since I've been medicated, I have handled myself rather well professionally at work. It is the whole reason I went to the Dr in the first place. And why he sent me to a psychiatrist. And why I swallowed my pride and feeling of inadequacy and went to the shrink and found out what I am and why I am what I am. I needed my job. I need not to erupt. I needed to stop getting irritated at a drop of a hat. I needed to stop being so impulsive. I needed to find a way to remain calm.

I have had a few minor blow-ups at work since becoming medicated. Not quite bad enough for them to fire me yet, but they are sick of my shit. All I have to do is spaz-out one time and I'm done. All I have to do is get someone to go up front and say that I acted out against them and I'm done. I truly don't know what I will do if I lose my job. I have had arguments with a few people, but nothing heated enough that they turned it in. Basically, like my boss said, it's not what I say it's how I say it. My points are usually valid. I just don't express them well. I get defensive easy. I get offensive easy when I get defensive. I truly can't help my emotions sometime.

I need to remain calm, but my illness is like the hydra, you defeat one head and 2 more pop up. It is a never ending battle. I must support my family. I must support myself. I must support my illness. If I lose my cool, I lose my job. If I lose my job, I lose my insurance. If I lose my insurance, I lose my meds. If I lose my meds, I lose my stability. If I lose my stability,...

I don't always snap at minor problems, but I do more as of late. I go see the Dr in 2 days. I almost think I am having a near breakdown. I am hyper-stressed. I called in sick today.

I hate my job; I need my job: my paradox.