Sleep of the Dead

I have to go see my shrink on Monday. I think I will try to get off my anti-depressant; I think it is actually making depressed or at least intensifying it. The reason that I think this is because I haven’t kept track of my prescriptions well as of late. I ran out of my Zoloft and I procrastinated for 4 days or so before I called and got a refill. After a couple of days I became chipper and happy. This could be mere coincidence I know, but I still want to be sure. I ran around playing with the kids and joking around with the whole family. When I got back on my meds I was back my lethargic self, just kind of lumbering through my days. I would sleep in late. I would then get up for a few hrs and go right back to bed. I would then get back up for a few hrs, take my sleeping pills, and go back to sleep for the night, sleeping in again. I was putting in 16 hrs a day sleeping. I had or have no ambition. I didn’t even play poker this week much. I would get on and soon after get off and go back to bed. I only left the house 3 times in those 4 days. Once I went to get a movie and twice for commitments that I couldn’t shirk. That isn’t living. So I will try to get off my happy pills.

The problem with changing meds is that if they make me unstable, I get uncontrollably irked at the smallest of circumstances and I could easily lose my job. The Zoloft isn’t a mood stabilizer so hopefully it won’t affect me in that way. I am on 2 different mood stabilizers. They seem to work for the most part, but I still find it hard to control my impulses at times. If there is any kind of confrontation, no matter how small, I immediately get livid, my heart beats rapidly in my chest; I start breathing heavily, my eyes bulge, and my voice trembles. I appear totally agitated, which is intimidating to whomever I am talking to. I don’t mean it. I hate this about myself. This is really hard for me. I find it difficult to be couth or respectful at these times; I have a quick wit and spontaneously blurt out comments that I would be better off keeping to myself. Often I do this to superiors or peers. Telling them how I truly feel even when it inappropriate. That is antisocial and also could be detrimental to my future employment.

Depression sucks.