Day 6 and a Heartfelt E-mail

Psychology/business exam tomorrow. I probably won’t sleep much tonight even with 300mg of Seroquel. I think I am becoming somewhat immune. My mind is swimming. I have a lot to wade through currently. School, work, and the big one: personal life. School and work can fuckoff. Other than the fact that I want to pass the exam. I don’t really show that fact by my anti-studiousness towards my courses. I just know that I will hate myself if I fail.

The kids came over today. I just couldn’t get up. I was hung over and utter depressed this morning. I did go in the living room where I remained in a catatonic stupor for the first few hours of there multi-visits. (Grandma lives 2 blocks over.) It didn’t affect my children much, as they played out in the back yard mostly. When they were inside, they lived on the computer watching Naruto vids and spoofs on You-tube and other sites that they frequent. Finally we all sat together and laughed while we watched Spongebob and Patrick’s lunacy.

When they left I called over to the in-laws’ house, but Ash-wife said through my son, the intermediary, that she wasn’t ready to physically talk to me, yet would converse via letters or e-mails. The boy called a short time later and said that she sent me an e-mail. She keeps telling me to find myself and love myself so I can give them the love that they deserve. I don’t quite understand these statements. I will print my reply at the conclusion of the post. I would appreciate some feedback here from everyone that is willing. Your honest opinions. Mom your non-bipolar thoughts would be helpful, because you see through her eyes somewhat. Am I irrational guys to think that now is when I need her with me more than ever? 14 years she has put up with my swinging ass and now when I’m right on the cusp of getting a handle on this evil disorder, her, my one strength giving me stability, has left me to my own vices.

My mom then came over while my dad went to church to preach Sunday night service. She acted as though I was some fragile egg that must be coddled. I hate that shit. Let me fucking have it. And as mom usually does at some point, she kicked out the God talk. I told her to leave it be and she did. Sorry church goers, though I respect you, you must respect my decisions also. Me and God just haven’t seen eye-to-eye for a long time. Although my dad is now a preacher, I didn’t grow up a PK. Actually while I was in my vulnerable learning years my father was at times a biker and a drug dealer, yet always an utter asshole that treated my sister, mom, and I all like shit not even worthy for his boot sole. Now that he has changed somewhat he thinks that I should somehow be able forget those years where I meant shit. He made me hate God because he took him in. That is one reason why I feel so bad about how I treat my children. Although I didn’t often spank them while they growing up, the mental abuse wasn’t good. They would often come to me for affection and I would be in manic mode and scream in their little faces like they were shit. I am deeply ashamed at my actions. I was evil and sometimes I still am. Though I have my screaming spells, my current form of mental abuse towards my whole family is my distance. I often live in my own little world and exclude them from my existence. I don’t do this on purpose either, but I know it hurts them as much as my occasional hollering. It was getting to the point that I would sleep all day, then eat in bed, shower, and leave for work. No interaction with dad and husband. How long would anyone be able to put up with that? But truly I think therapy will give me a new lease on life. I will be the Ash that they love, whom has shown up less frequently as of late. But it is going to be a process.

I now leave you with my e-mailed response.

I do not understand what you're saying. How can I show you and the kids the love that you need if I can't see you? I miss you and the kids badly. What is it that you are waiting for in my life? I will likely never love myself; it is part of my disability. The only thing I know for sure is that I love you and I will try anything that this world has to offer that could help me treat you guys right. I don't get angry on purpose. I don’t act distant and hide in my own world on purpose. I don’t mean to neglect my family. I do love you guys; I have trouble expressing that love and affection. I have trouble telling you my feelings because I am a man and am insecure about my shortcomings. A husband is supposed to be strong and protect his family. It hurts me deeply that I am the one that you need to be protected from. I often stay away physically sometimes because I know that I am manic and will be aggravated easily. I am sorry. With therapy I feel that I can treat you all right and be there for you emotionally like a normal family.

This is going to be a process for me to get better. I can't lie to you and say that I will never yell again in my life. I just can't; it is part of my disability. What I can do is get therapy to help me learn to quell the beast inside me. I did not mean to hit you with that handle in the leg. I was having a fit like a fucking little 2 year old and I threw it. But I know it is not the intent, it is the result that counts. I am sorry. I truly am. You don't deserve to be hit. I am not a physically abusive man. I sadly am a mentally abusive fuck. I am sorry for all the years you guys have had to deal with that. But remember that it isn’t because I don’t love you or care about you. It is my illness. I’m not making excuses here, it is the truth. I have been trying. I take my meds and get them tweaked every few months trying to stop these evil things about me. It’s not about fucking finding myself. I have found myself for 14 years and you are it. You keep me sane. You are the love of my life. I need you deeply. I am sorry that I can’t tell you these things daily, but believe me I love you whole-heartedly.

I think you are a very strong woman; for you to put your kids ahead of your feelings for me is something that my mom never had the heart to do. Once again I can't say that I will never snap and yell and throw a tantrum. I can get treatment. I thought that my Psyciatrist was giving me therapy, but as we now know he was just asking how I was doing so he could change my meds. The meds have suppressed my evil streak, but I think only psychoanalysis with a therapist will have the right effect, and make me the Ash you and the kids deserve. But you must understand that therapy is also a life-long procedure. It might take months before I am totally stable. What you need to decide is if you want to come home and support and help me through this tough time or if you want me to try by myself. I truly don't think me sitting in a house lonely and depressed is really the best way from me to get through this. But I will accept your decision. But I will say this. I will try my very best to treat you right while I get my meds changed again and go through therapy if you guys come home. I will try to leave the room if we argue. I will try to talk and smile and be a part of the family daily. These things will be hard for me, yet I promise to give it my best. I love you.

I will never be whole with you not in my life. I need you. The house seems so large. Your tough love is killing me. But I know you are trying to help me and at the same time protect the kids. But honestly I don't know how long it will take before therapy will give you your Ash, but I think you should come home to me and support me through this. I love you guys and will except your decision. But if you aren't coming home until I do something specific, you should let me know what that thing is so I can work towards that goal so I can get you guys back as soon as possible.

Let me know. I miss you.