Long Post: Trip Report

I passed my test. I was so stressed out until I passed. Total undue pressure. Just to think that I now have to go through this shit every 6 months. I was the first one of our group to pass. We had 10 tries over 2 days to pass. I failed my first test by one reading. That truly sucked. You could have up to a 15% deviation on any reading and pass, although on average you couldn’t be off more than 7.5% for the 50 reading. I had one reading that I missed by 20% and that was all she wrote. Damn was it cold. We were in a suburb of Minneapolis and St Paul. At the DOT center. We were outside at 8:30 am to start the test. It was +2 degrees with wind chill added in. Probably 15 degrees actual. I didn’t really pack for that kind of weather. I layered up with a hoody taking most of the brunt. Let me just say, holy shit was it cold. My hands were frozen. You should have seen all the people fidgeting around trying to stay warm – it looked like a torret’s/ADHD convention. Test 2 I failed 2 readings. There were 25 readings with white smoke and then 25 readings with black. 2nd test I made it all the way to to number 43 with good results and then bang 2 in a row off by 20%. Failure. It was lunch time. We all were pretty worked up about the tests. We were all analyzing how everything played-out and measuring ourselves against how each other performed. I actually was having anxiety attacks during each test and as they were calling out the right answers. Not strong ones but strong enough. Test 3 didn’t seem any different than the first 2. They started reading out the results. I made it through the white with only one out by 15%. I about shit when he called the number. I thought at first I was out. I was actually slightly hyperventilating during the calling of the right answers. My ears were on fire and I was flush and shaking. I hate feeling like that. I got down to the last few and knew I had passed the 20% rule. I had to go sit down and tally up my score and found that I was less than 5% ave. and had passed. The other guys were already back to the vehicles to warm up. I handed in my test and they told me that they would get back with me soon. I don’t smoke, but I asked for a cig and smoked it. I really must stop this. I just started lately smoking a little when I drink. I did have 3 Bud Lights at lunch so I guess you could chalk that one up to drinking. They have been tasting good, plus giving me that initial buzz, and then the relaxing feeling. I used to smoke 3 packs a day. My wife and I both quit 8 year’s ago and just recently I’ve been doing that BS drinking/smoking excuse. I will stop right now. This is how stressed I was. I couldn’t relax until they called out my name and said I passed; I was afraid my math was off somehow. It felt like a giant weight was lifted from my shoulders. Ain’t that sad that I allowed myself to get that worked up. I then went back to the Hotel and waited for the others to come back. Schmuckal passed on the 4th try. We had to stay an extra day because the other 2 didn’t pass until the next day on the 7th test. I’m telling you that it was a very subjective test with very little science to it. I never realized how many shades of gray there were.

Boy I’m glad to be back. It really sucked on some levels and in some ways it was nice. It was cool to do something different for a change. The ride sucked; 10 hr drive, with around 6 hrs through Wisconsin. Damn… nothing but barns and silos and fields. God bless radio. OK, time for another positive. Hanging out with the other Sups was nice. It’s odd, although we compete, we don’t hold much animosity towards each other. That is good. I’ve known all 3 from before we moved up the internal ladder. I could go back and forth for a while longer with the +/-, but I’ll just hit those others up more thoroughly.

I had a tough time sleeping. This is actually an ongoing issue that I need some resolution to at some point very soon. I think my biggest problem was that my bed seemed large without my wife taking all the room. It was a king size bed so it was large. Empty was the problem. I never went to bed before midnight all week and I was usually pretty well intoxicated. I then would take 300 mg seroquel and go to sleep. I had no problem going to sleep; it was staying asleep that was the problem. I would wakeup at least once an hr. Often I would wake up to terrible dreams. I would fall right back to sleep. 2 nights I turned on the TV very low to try to combat the evil feelings permeating my room. I still awoke hourly. I felt like a wimp, but hey, at least I could go back to sleep.

Went to Mall of America. Man was it big. It was 4 floors high with a plethora of shops and myriad of restaurants. And in the middle of it all was an amusement park. We spent like 3 hrs there looking for Schmuckal a pr of shoes. Every time his picky ass found a pr that he liked they didn’t have his size. Mall of A-fuckin’-merica and noboby carries 11 ½’s. We said the hell with it and went to Hooter’s. I had never been there. They are supposed to have the best wings around. That’s why I went anyways. LOL. As we were leaving we found a place called Underwater Adventures. We paid the $17 to get in and it was worth it. It was an aquarium that had a glass tunnel throughout. You could either walk or ride the conveyor belt and look all around yourself at the fish. They had fresh and saltwater fish. Bass to Sharks. They also had a touch pool where you could handle the stingrays and the like. I put the Crock Hunter out of my mind and played with them. No really, it was a good time.

I definitely gained a little weight. We ate well all week - three meals a day. A lot more than I usually eat, but the company with fitting the bill, so I indulged myself. Not a good excuse, but I did. I also drank all week. I don’t drink too often, so I really hammed it up while there. I’m sure that wasn’t too good on the waistline. It’s time for a diet I think.

When we spent time alone during the day I would just turn down the TV and go to sleep. I woke up every hr during these naps also.

Schmuckal and I went to the bar one night downtown Minneapolis. The other 2 didn’t feel like going. I almost got in a fight. I don’t think this was due to my mood disorder or any swings or cycles. This guy was just a dick. I’m not the fighting, tough-guy, macho type. I actually feel that you should be able to use your intellect for the most part. Usually it’s when you outsmart someone that they want to fight, because they mentally can’t battle you. But you came only push me so far. Not to say that I don’t lose it quick sometimes. My wife doesn’t call me trigger for nothing. Anyways, I don’t start fights; let’s just put it that way. This dude was kinda hanging around our table. He came up to me and says that he’s not trying to offend me, but that we look like small town guys. I said that he guessed it right. Ain’t it weird how when people say “I don’t mean to…” that is exactly what they mean. The cabbie pulled the same crap the night before when he commented that he didn't want us to thhink that he was robbing us by taking a different route which conveniently costed us $10 more than the trip home with another driver. LOL. The comment bothered me a little but I was rather congenial about it and told him that it didn’t offend me, although by the way he said it, it was obvious that he though himself my better. I was raised in all over Wake County NC so I’m really small town per se. But I think he thought that because we were laid back in our attire. I had on a Led Zeppelin hoody and a Tarheels cap and Schmuckal had on a Polaris jacket and a Detroit Lions hat, so it didn’t take a rocket scientist to analyze the evidence. A far cry from the Metrosexual guys with their greased back hair and their preppie clothes. A little later we were standing next to each other watching the band, when he reaches over with the back of his hand and pats my stomach and says’ “A little fat there aren’t ya?” I once again gave the guy the benefit-of-the-doubt here and remained calm. I jokingly held up my beer and said that they don’t come cheap and they come at a price as I patted my belly. I could tell that he meant it in a derogatory manner. Shit, how else can it be meant? But I decided not to let it ruin my good mood and let it slide. A little later I go outside to have a smoke. There I go again with the smoking. There is no smoking in Minneapolis, so this place had a canopied pavilion out back. He then comes out and starts smoking a cigarette. About halfway through the smoke he says hey, do you want to wrestle. At this point I get pissed and I’m feeling belittled by this jackass. I should have told him to go over wrestle with Schmuckal. He was the North American Muay Thai Light Heavy Weight Champion. That’s what I should have done. But no I blow up and tell the guy that my small town ass would knock him the fuck out. He then tries to give it another ego-driven effort and give me the stare-down. I told him that I wasn’t playing and that I was going to knock his ass out. He then starts stammering and stuttering and apologizes over and over. Schmuckal comes over and tells me to calm down and we go inside. I kinda ruined the rest of the night for Schmuckal because he stopped drinking after that because the guy had 2 friends with him. The guy keep coming up to me and apologizing over and over and buying me drinks. I really don’t know if I over-reacted or not. It just hit me wrong I guess.

So I guess as far as my BPD goes, I had only a few issues this week while gone. And maybe I’m just blaming BPD for a few problems. If I was alone in my room I was sleeping. No TV, no movies, just trying to sleep. Even if we were all going to meet up in 2 hrs or so, I would still lay on the bed and go to sleep. I was actually ashamed of myself for this defeatist BS. Another issue was, once, I woke up and was getting dressed when Schmuckal knocked on my door. Being by myself I didn’t realize that I was irritable. I snatched open the door and half-yelled, what the fuck are you knocking so loud for. He walked in without saying anything. I apologized and he said not to worry about it and that he was used to me getting that way. I hate how people have to put up with my shit. He has been a close friend since we were teens and he knows about me being bipolar. The anxiety attacks while training were another sign. I’m really starting to hate these. I don’t know if these are part of my disorder or come from something else. I had bad anxiety issues the night before the trip. A guy from work called and said that some guys in town were having a poker tourney. Of course I was inconsiderate and could say no, the night before my trip, where I would leave my family for a week. During the game I had a few times were my heart was banging in my chest, my eyes were blazing, my hands were shacking so bad that I couldn’t barely handle the chips, and I was worried about how everyone was see me. Hopefully this is something that I can work on with a therapist when I get one. This is one of my major issues. I am very impulsive when I get this way. This is were I get myself into trouble. Oh yea, I came in 2nd in the tourney BTW.

The trip ended on a big Negative, when we got back to Michigan, there had been a spring snowstorm and there was well over a foot of snow in my yard. It had just finally all melted last week and now it is back. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks it will be gone again. So overall no a bad trip, yet I would rather have stayed home and slept in my own bed, and of course no freakin’ tests.