Chronological Update

Weds, 17th – Day 9

I visited my P-doc for the first time. She seemed nice and more importantly, competent. I told her about my 4 major issues amidst her probing questions. Anxiety attacks; being distant; sleep issues; and anger and its subgroups: hyper-irritability, uncontrollable anger, and impulse anger. She said we will start with the uncontrollable anger. We talked about when I was having this form of anger and found that I was usually geeking my own self up. She called it catastrophic thinking. It is when you just keep think about and issue, ruminating about it, harping on how pissed you are at the issue or person, and running scenarios and rebuttals and the like over a period of time. It doesn’t have to be a long time. So when you do get into the situation, you are quick to anger. Quite often your anger is irrational, leaving you to take simple comments as initiated confrontation, and compounding your anger. I agree with this assessment. I know that I do this to myself. I am actually horribly guilty of this. When I finally get in the situation I have bad anxiety and I’m ready to be condescending and will likely snap at the slightest perceived transgression. So anyways, she is getting me some materials on the subject together for next week’s appointment for me to take home with me. I guess there are techniques to defuse this catastrophic thinking before it leads to anger and emotional instability.

Did quite a bit of IM’ing with Ash-wife and the kids. She was very open in our conversation. It was a lot more personal than the earlier e-mails. The live human element added to our openness and healing as a couple.

Thurs, 18th – Day 10

I went to see my P-doc. He lowered my Resperdal in half. His goal is to totally eliminate it because he says that it is merely a duplicate of my Seroquel and isn’t really needed. I saw him for 15 min. It was a 2 hr drive there and 2 hrs back. My new goal: find someone closer.

I went to Walmart and bought the kids some things, myself a surround sound system, and an impulse item – half a dozen roses for ash-wife. I call Ash-boy on my way into town and told him to be ready to get the gifts when I stop out front.

Soon as I get home the phone was ringing. It was Ash-wife personally on the phone. This, as you are well aware, was my first communication with her without an intermediary. She thanked me for my generosity and for thinking of her. We talked for 25 min or so. I put on my best “good guy” charm. It was sincere fully. I talked about my treatment and how it might be a while before any real solid results. I told her, hell it was going to be another week before we even would see each other again. I mentioned her coming home with the kids on multiple occasions, with the promise of being on my best behavior while getting better. She said she’d think about it.

Fri, 19’th – day 11

I stayed up all night Thurs with my Bro playing internet poker. I finally took my Seroquel at 9am and ended up falling asleep at 10:30. I awoke to the front door opening at 4pm and Ash-wife standing at the foot of my bed. We had a heart-to-heart as Ash-boy was sent to bring all of their stuff back into the house from the SUV.

I WILL treat them better. I WILL remain calm as I get help with my illness. We both realize that I will get upset at times because it is the very nature of the beast. I am sick. But I will put forth every effort that I can to be a good father and huband.

Thanks everyone for all of your support through this moment in time as I stood at a main crossroad in my life. I have been blessed to traverse the path that I have asked for. Now let’s see where it leads. Wish me luck.