I Need Help

I really need treatment before I lose everything I have. 2 days after returning from my trip and I already spazz-out angrily and scare my family. I really feel like having a breakdown right now. Nothing seems to be going right. Something is amiss. Something is wrong.

Everything was going fine. My son had his birthday party today over at his grandparents house while I slept for work. They came home and brought me some McDonald’s. I ate and got up. Everything was fine. I hung out in the living room with everyone while I got ready for work. Everything was good. I was happy. I had to leave so I gave everyone a hug and a kiss and walked out the door.

There was a snowdrift by the driver door so I went to the passenger door. It wouldn’t open. It looked like it was unlocked to me. I jerked on it a few times. Nothing. I walk around to the driver door through the snow. I try the door and it wouldn’t budge. I start jerking on it, half thinking that it was frozen shut and half thinking that it was locked. The door handle broke off in my hand. BOOM, I went nuts inside.

Instantly I remember seeing my set of keys on the hook inside the door. I walk inside with the handle in the air for effect, all wild-eyed, and scream who the fuck locked my door. My wife said that she did and that there had been some suspicious kids hanging around while I was gone. She told me to just take her car. I screamed and threw the handle on the ground and commenced to have a temper tantrum like a little kid. I kicked the door and started shaking the coat rack. When I looked back around my wife had her pant leg up and was rubbing her chin. So obviously my handle bounced off the floor and struck her leg. I said sorry and that I didn’t mean for it to hit her. She didn’t look up and said nothing. The kids were crouched up on the back of the couch with fear and terror in their eyes. Seeing how this all had played out sent me into a defeated rage. I screamed that I couldn’t have shit and started rampaging again. I kicked the door again. I shook the coat rack on the wall trying to rip it off because I couldn’t find he keys there. Then I lumbered across the room and pounded my fists on the table as I screamed where the fuck are the keys. She found them and handed them to me. I them ran across the room and kicked the screen glass door, hoping to break it, as I stormed out of the house. I got in my car shaking with tears in my eyes.

I called home twice when I go to work. I needed to apologize. I don’t know how much longer I will have a family. I don’t deserve a family. I just terrorized my family. Just think how they saw it. Dad walks out to go to work with a smile on. 2 minutes later he busts the door open and rampages the room as he screams and throws shit. I am truly shit. If I don’t get help quick I will lose my family. And then I don’t know what I will do.

It is hard. I love my family so much that I want to be with them. The problem is that I love them so much that I should make them leave me. I am too selfish to do that. My P-doc appointment is in a week. I will then get a T-doc. Hopefully we can all work together to quell the beast in me. I will try to call again. I hope they are home when I get there. How many times can you apologize before apologies don’t hold any meaning any longer and become merely words? I need this to all stop. I need to treat my family right or make them go. I need them to be home in the morning.