Thank You and How It Went This Morn

First off I’d like to say that your comments since I’ve started my blog a month ago have been invaluable. I can’t express how you guys make me feel. I am finally able to relate, express, and tell about my personal thoughts, feelings, insecurities, and ineptitudes. To have comments for people somewhat like myself is helpful, inspiring, and much needed for a while now. I am happy that I relate, though once you know the real me, I will become the freak of freaks surely. No offense meant. I’m not looking for sympathy guys. I’m not suicidal and don’t need you guys to go out of your way to say nice things to me and tell me that I’m not fucked up. Just be brutally honest with me. I might hate you for it but it’s a chance I’m willing to take. Just joking. If I fuck-up it’s OK to call me an asshole; I’ll respect you for it. In this instance I was in the wrong and there is just no way around it. Although I would never physically harm my wife the handle did bounce up and hit her. If I wasn’t impulsively raging it wouldn’t have occurred. That is the point. That is my issue. It’s not the intent; it’s the result. Thanks for all the support, but feel free to slap me around when deemed necessary.

Well, it didn’t work out the way I was hoping this morning. I got home after my morning meeting at 7:30am. I walked in, the kids were doing their normal post-shower couch lounging while watching cartoons thing, and Ash-wife was cooking them breakfast. I talked to the kids and told them that I was really sorry for my despicable outburst the previous evening. I told them that I was having mental problems and that my emotions were out of whack. I told them that I was sorry for scaring them with my yelling. I told them that I was going to get help and that I was going to see my P-doc and get a T-doc. I told them that I loved them. Ash-wife went to the bathroom. I walked in and asked if I could talk to here. She asked me to please get away from her. I walked out dejected but knowing that she was deserving of her mood. I was the culprit here. She had the right to her space to figure out how she wants to resolve this. I decided to get on the computer and peruse blogs while playing 2 tables of poker all at the same time; multi-tasking at it’s finest. Fill the senses so I don’t have to deal with them; that’s my credo. Anyways, she takes the kids to school. My pills kick-in pretty good and I get groggy. I head to bed. I hear her come in and stay in the living room as I drift off to loneliness. I wake up at 3:30, just about the time she should be home with the kids. I get on the computer and resume my multi-tasking habit. I quickly realize that I am going to be home alone and likely she will likely stay at her parents’ until 7pm when I leave for work. I lose a few bucks playing poker and decide to take a bath and read my fantasy novel. I get out at 6 and get ready for work. I then get in through the passenger side of my car and head to Subway for something to take with me to work. I wonder how long this is going to last. I took a vacation next week; I don’t think I can handle it right now. Hopefully we make up before my appointment next week, my P-doc wanted her account of who or what she lives with. That will be nice to sit and endure.

Later, dejected, lonely, Ash out.