Lately I've Been on the Up's

I’ve had a good week guys. I truly did. The family came home. I was on vacation from work. I think sometimes life can trigger your moods. I had very little stress = I am happy. I have nothing to stew over. I slept well also. All that combined to make Ash a happy camper. Oh yea, also I only have 1 day of LSS sponsor training and 1 night to work this week. I took the last 2 days off. That equates to 6 days off again and 6 total days at work this month.

Today I felt real good. I honestly think I am a bit manic at the moment. I mentioned as much to Ash-wife and she kind of got curt with me and stated, “Can’t you just be happy?” She thinks that I like to blame my illness for things sometimes. The reason that I said that I thought that I was manic was due more to the increased thoughts that were plaguing my brain. I keep getting sidetracked with the random thoughts that keep popping in. But I didn’t tell her that. Just let her keep thinking she knows what’s going on in my head.

Here’s another reason that I know I’m manic. It felt like the car was barely moving. I kept looking down and finding myself speeding. I kept doing this the whole way to my therapist’s office. I would try to watch my speed and then go on autopilot while some stray thought took over. The problem was that autopilot thought he was in a jet. I actually put the car on cruise on a street that the speed limit was 40mph. I then commenced to zone-out and when I looked down I noticed that I had pushed down the gas pedal even though I was on cruise. I was doing 60. Well, it caught up with me on the ride home. I decided to surprise Ash-wife with an extra value meal from McDonald’s. As I was going home, I was laughing and talking to myself, mimicking my therapist’s facial expressions and gesticulations. I look up and there’s a cop coming. I look down and I running 70mph. I slow down and watch as he does a U-ey. I surreptitiously watched in the rearview like if I didn’t move much he might just zoom around me on his way to a murder or something. But no, he flips on the dome and I turn on the blinker and pull over to the curb. I think to myself if God is testing me today. I feel like Lieutenant Dan from Forest Gump up in the crow’s nest in the storm. “Is that all you got!”

Side note: I think I’ve figured out why they take so long behind you before they finally pull you over. No not an obvious reason like running your plates so they know to call backup or not. No, it’s to make you sit there and suffer while you are thinking up excuses and just hoping he won’t pull you over. It’s all about the suspense and delivery baby. Assholes.

He walks up to the car and asks the standard, if I knew how fast I was going. I lie and say no. He throws back at me 70 in a 55. I put on my best puppy-dog eyes, but he couldn’t see them due to my shades. He asks how my driving record is. I tell him crystal – just perfectly clear. Then I add in. “I’m not a speeder sir. Well, I guess I am today, but I don’t normally speed sir. (I thought about telling him that I was trying to get these fries home before they got cold, and that he was currently fuckin’ up that plan. But I restrained myself. Hey, maybe I wasn’t too manic today anyways.) Standard license, registration, and proof of insurance BS. I have to tell him that I was in the wife’s car and that my wallet was actually in my vehicle. I then rummage around in the glovebox. I find the registration quickly, but all I find after much duress is an out-of-date proof of insurance. So he heads back to his squad car as I stew about Ash-wife’s upcoming bitch-session. I know their will be a lot of blame and paying the bills talk, over and over and over till the point that I get pissed-off. I just know this will be another test of my control of my anger. While I’m still beating myself up for my stupidity he comes back. He says that he waived my speeding ticket and my license issue. I think my jaw dropped because he paused. Maybe it was just for effect. He then tells me that he only cited me for the no proof of insurance and that I had 10 days to show proof at the court house and that I’ll likely get a $10 fine or something like that. I thanked him profusely. Drama extinguished, I went home with our cold fries to tell of my/our good fortune. Damn I dodged a bullet there. I would say good Karma, but I was speeding because I was dogging my therapist’s foibles. I’m such a dick. LOL.

I only got angry once this week. The wife and I got in an argument over something that we both disagreed strongly over. I removed myself from the situation after only arguing a little. I felt myself heating up, wanting to start yelling, so I told her I was stepping out for a few, and the boy and I went to the movie store and took our time finding a few movies. I calmed down very quick. I made a few, “your mom drives me nuts sometimes,” comments and then I let it go. I got home and didn’t even bring it up. I didn’t have to “win” like I usually feel the need to do. A character flaw on my part I realize, but it is a hard one to work on. So I am proud of that small step toward not being an overbearing asshole.

Later, Ash out…