T-Doc and Homework

Another reason that I know I was manic on Weds was because of what happened while at the T-doc’s. I talked way too much. I wouldn’t say that I’m usually succinct to her probing questions. But today if she asked an open-ended question I was all over it, branching off into other similar topics and my personal analysis and views on the topics. Her pen was a blur on the page. I was babbling. She knew I was manic. Oh yea, funny thing that happened. I do think I might have pissed her off. If I did, she covered it well. But I know how it pisses me off someone does it to me. Anyway, while she was on a drawn-out diagnosis of one of my mental inadequacies, I get this shit-eating grin on my face. You know the kind. Where it is obvious that you think something is hilarious and are holding back. She stops what she was saying. She says, “do tell what you are thinking right now.” I say, “I don’t know,” yet it makes me smile even more. To my defense, I honestly didn’t know why I was smiling. She says in a nonchalant, non-pissed-off way, like she was actually curious, “no really, I’d like to know what you are smiling about.” I start laughing and say, “me also.” She bored of the verbal tit-for-tat and went back to her analysis of ineptitudes. About 10 mins later we go through the same conversation again because a smile snuck through my earnest attentive façade.

I tell you what, I have a guy that works for me that does that shit, and a few times when I was in a irritable frame of mind, I snapped on him. If I remember right, it went something like, “what the fuck’s so funny?” followed up with a quick, “what the fuck you smiling for then?” I am working on it guys so bear with me. These outbursts are few and far between for a while now. But I’m medicated now and also more atoned and cognizant of my moods and actions.

I told her of my quest to solve this thing and that I have begun schooling in psychology. Of course my analytical mind thinks that there has to be a finite solution to this illness. Actually there is, but neuroscientists and geneticists haven’t yet pinpointed it. Maybe in my lifetime, yet if not, definitely in my children’s lifetime. OK, I digress, back to the paragraph’s topic. I think sometimes that it irks them a little that I’m studying their craft. Like I might be second-guessing their diagnoses. They seem to calm down on the superfluous psychobabble a little bit, as if I might say BS or something. Maybe it’s just my insecurities. That’s more likely. It’s just that quick look in their eyes when you first say it.

Another thing that we decided about me is that I feel that I’m intellectually superior than most people. I agree with her. Not that I am per se, but that mentally I feel that way. She says that it is part of my disorder. I told her that I know that it is irrational and that ultimately I know that I’m not brighter than everyone around me. But I do at times just seethe at peoples’ incompetence. I can’t help it. We discussed that everyone is better at certain things than the next person. Everyone has their attributes and that I must learn to humble myself somewhat. This will be hard for me; my opinions just seem so right. LOL. She told me if I get to lofty about myself to remember that I’m bipolar and most people are normal. Damn, she slapped me down. I can handle it; I’m a big boy. I have a lot of different things to work on. Time to delve in.

She game me homework. I already have enough on my plate, but I guess healing has a cost. So I must put in some effort. BOoo. She said that what I will be working on is, catastrophic thinking, cognitive restructuring, and what if – self talk. She gave me a course book with a couple of post-its in it. One is an exercise – the daily record of dysfunctional thinking. I hate charting shit, especially personal feelings and shit. This will be tedious at best. The other one is a chapter on visualization. What the hell do these 2 chapters have to do with the 3 things I am supposed to be learning about. I have to go back on Mon so I need to invest a little time with this book. As I learn every week, I plan on commenting and analyzing my treatment and posting here. Hopefully we all can learn from my P-doc.

Lastly – does anyone else feel raped and dirty after a therapy session? I’ve only had 2 and I already feel stripped and naked after I leave. I feel like I divulged some deep dark secrets that I usually hide in the dark corners of my psyche. She knows how to pry loose things that I don’t even think about and never really realized how they actually affected me. I don’t know if I like this. I know that it is part of the healing process, but this is my personal info. My dad has already been blamed for some of my social and relations foibles. Makes me wonder how much I’ve fucked up my kids. Hopefully I have time to counteract some of the negative traits that they have learned by environment osmosis.