Day 4 and Counting

Well here I am drunk and wanting. I don’t drink often. Well that’s not exactly true. I have been drinking a bit more as of late. I know my wife is worried about that.

She dropped the kids off after school today. That was nice. They acted weird around me. I explained the situation again. My son couldn’t really look at me. My daughter gave me many hugs; they boy at entrance and exit. Ash-wife sent a letter with them. I had tears in my eyes as I read my fate. I really didn’t quite understand parts, but it was brutally honest and negative. I don’t think she is coming back for a little while. She ended it with, “the ball’s in your court.” So I think once I get a little therapy she will try again to deal with me. Her big statement was that she had to protect the kids and that they were somewhat afraid of me. They apparently asked about what if I snapped while they were with me. I assured them not to worry. They hung around for 2 ½ hrs and made an appearance and then said they wanted to go back to mom. I hugged them and dropped them off.

I actually have to give her props for being strong enough to what she is doing. Leaving the security of financial stability and a long relationship must be tough. She has always been strong. Shit she told my dad to fuck off and he isn’t even allowed at my house anymore. I think her strength is what has held me together all these year. Before I met her I was a druggie and a drunk that worried more about partying than working.

So I sit here alone watching Gladiator on the 51” flatscreen. The sound system utterly sucks; there is a constant hum. I will buy a cheap surround sound soon. I have downed 8 beers as of yet. I hate being alone. Last night I took my 200mg of Seroquel at 11pm last night and it was 4:30am before exhaustion forced the Sandman’s hand. I awoke every hr until 2 when the dogs’ incessant rolled me out of bed.

I stopped being a negative punk and went down and talked to my proctor and set up my exam for Monday. Shit I haven’t studied in 2 months. Hopefully I pass. If not fuck it, I have a retake of the course exam that I fail. At least I am stepping up to the plate and giving it a swing.

I got the phonebook out. I call Pathways (a mental heath outfit) to maybe setup a local appointment with a therapist. They gave me the runaround, making sure I wasn’t totally unstable and ready to put the pills in my mouth. They basically told me to get with my P-doc. Thanks assholes. She did have one good idea though; she said that maybe they could get me an appointment with a T-doc and the same day as my P-doc appointment, which is on the 19th. I called my fucking P-doc’s office. The main receptionist said that he was out for the day. 2 fucking days and not even the decency for a callback. What if I was in crisis? She said she’d send me to his personal receptionist. I got an answering machine. Real nice. Now it’s the weekend.

I’m going to get drunk now later, Ash out…